A-One, A-Poo, A-One-Poo-Wee

15 Dec

This is not the band you are looking for…but last night’s band did play this wonderful piece of music

Last night I went to a brass band concert with my friend Alison.  Brass bands are as vital to celebrating Christmas as chocolates and migraine so I was glad to go.

Alison has been renovating her house, so we called early, for a tour and a brew. She lives some distance from us so the Hub drove me there, and afterwards dropped us off at the hall where the concert was taking place.

Alison dotes on our dogs and asked us to bring them along.  As it had been raining all day we carried them in, to avoid their muddy paws marking her brand new and expensive carpets.  Although the paws weren’t muddy, of course, because the dogs refuse to walk in the rain and had been indoors all day.

The dogs adore Alison, in the purest form of cupboard love there is, because she brings them sausages (cooked especially) and treats whenever she visits.  As soon as they realised the car was heading her way, they whined and cried in slavering excitement.

We had the usual mad-circle run around and hysterical barking (not all of it from the dogs: I told you, she dotes on them) and it was all too much for Molly, who wet herself in joy, right there on the new carpet.  Fortunately, Alison is tolerant of their misdemeanours and assured me that the carpet could take bleach if necessary, and a little excited piddle wouldn’t harm it.  Her husband Pete smiled benignly, as he always does, being the easiest-going man I’ve ever known.

The Hub apologised, ‘It’s our fault; they haven’t been out all day because of the rai…TOBY!  NO!’  All heads whipped around to a perfect view of Toby’s backside, also known as crouching terrier, impending poo.  The Hub grabbed the dog and ran with him for the door, and the rest of us watched the plop-plop-plop of the unstoppable excrement as it carpet bombed the, well, the new carpet (and the couch: the angle at which Toby was snatched up allowing for a sideways trajectory).

Mortified, apologetic but laughing, I cleaned up the mess while the Hub and Toby stood out in the rain in disgrace.  The carpet was easily cleaned and looked none the worse for wear.  The miscreants were allowed back in.

Drama over, we all sat down to relax and drink our tea.  I felt suddenly warm and thought, but I haven’t touched mine yet, when I realised the warmth was not a hot flush if it was emanating from my lap.  I looked down to see Molly, squatting on my knees, doing the longest wee I’ve ever had the misfortune to sit under.

We think she must have seen Toby’s flight and thought she’d be better off with Mum than on the carpet.

If you thought a brass band was loud, you should have heard my scream of horror.  I jumped up, sending Molly flying across the room without the benefit of a Hub hold, and there was complete uproar – most of it from four people laughing uncontrollably, me the loudest.  I had lost it by this point and if I wet my knickers in hysteria, at least no one would know.

Alison gave me a cloth to disinfect my pants; I had a wash; and then sat on her bedroom floor in my sweater, socks and underwear, using her hairdryer on the crotch-soaked jeans because we didn’t have time for me to go home and change before the concert.

I sat in the hall, steaming quietly and stinking of disinfectant-combined-with-Brut (to disguise any unpleasant odour), and got quietly sozzled on a bottle of wine.  

It’s okay; I knew where the toilets were.



16 Responses to “A-One, A-Poo, A-One-Poo-Wee”

  1. misswhiplash December 15, 2014 at 14:47 #

    There’s not a lot one can say about that except oh ‘poo’.

    I can only add that you must have some really really good friends if they are ever going to let you or your delicious pooches back into their house again!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. judyt54 December 15, 2014 at 14:51 #

    i cant stop laughing. oh the poor dogs, poor you… its like dealing with furry diaperless babies, isn’t it. One starts and they all get the idea at the same time. I still cant stop laughing, and your friend Alison is a jewel.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. vivienne blake December 15, 2014 at 15:11 #

    As Jock says, that’s another house you can’t go back to, not even to apologise!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. laurieanichols December 15, 2014 at 20:57 #

    This could have been a movie and I would have paid gladly to have seen it all; the theatrics, the panic, the horror and poor Molly and Toby I haven’t even gotten to their parts. Oh did I laugh. You need to mail this to the BBC they will swipe you up as a comedy film writer. I promise you. xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Janie Jones December 15, 2014 at 21:03 #

    Oh, no! Oh, my! Uh-oh! I’m glad I peed before I read this post or I might have wet myself from laughing.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Barb December 16, 2014 at 04:46 #

    Dogs are like kids – they know when to embarrass you! You have some good and very tolerant friends.


  7. sharechair December 16, 2014 at 12:40 #

    oh my oh my …… that is SO funny!! As a yorkie mommy myself, I can picture the this “adventure” perfectly. I often think about how fortunate we are, while cleaning up the messes, that these are tiny dogs. Tiny dogs = tiny messes. 🙂


  8. SchmidleysScribbling December 16, 2014 at 17:31 #

    Dogs will be. Dogs. Mine do this whenever my cleaner arrives. She takes it in her stride.

    The band wasn’t too bad after the hey warmed up. Glad you’re having a good holiday.


  9. catterel December 17, 2014 at 23:59 #

    There’s a reason dogs are known as POOches! That’s the best test of friendship I’ve ever heard of! 😀


  10. Rorybore December 18, 2014 at 05:08 #

    kinda glad I have a cat right now. LOL but honestly, I can’t blame them – I pee a little bit when I get too excited too, not gonna lie. 🙂


  11. Musings December 20, 2014 at 19:56 #

    OH yikes! OK… this is not a good incentive for me to get a pet. Then again, they do seem to add laughter and delight.


  12. beeblu December 26, 2014 at 13:09 #

    What is it with you and poo?
    No matter how far
    You roam from home
    It always seems to find you.


  13. sarsm January 22, 2015 at 01:18 #

    At first I was going to write: oh my dog won’t walk in the rain either. She hates getting wet.

    Then I read on.

    After that I was going to tell you about that incident when I took her to the local pet store. She got all excited by the smells and did a wee on the welcome carpet. OK in all honesty it’s happened twice. In the same store. But luckily the second time an assistant told me that it’s happened before.

    Then I read on.

    I read about the ‘poo’ incident and the ‘lap’ incident and I was wordless. Which as you know me well, you know doesn’t happen very often.

    Brilliant. This will be one to tell for YEARS to come!!!

    Liked by 1 person


  1. Miss Liberty at Sheffield University | The Laughing Housewife - December 8, 2015

    […] That’s about as interesting as it gets; if you want the poo story, I suggest you re-read last year’s visit. […]


I welcome your comments but be warned: I'm menopausal and as likely to snarl as smile. Wine or Maltesers are an acceptable bribe; or a compliment about my youthful looks and cheery disposition will do in a pinch.

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