Happy Valentine’s Day?

14 Feb

I’m not in the mood (or the position) to make retailers rich today, but I am in the mood to make you laugh, and laughter is the greatest gift, so it’s a win for you, a win for me, and a win for my pocket. Assuming, of course, that my story, originally posted in 2012, amuses you. Image result for twelve days of christmas funny

A story of true love, it begins at Christmas…

Dear Judge,

I know I killed my True Love in a fit of rage but I think, once you hear my tale, you will have to acknowledge that I was provoked beyond what any reasonable person could stand.

Things started off well. On the first day of Christmas, my True Love sent me a partridge in a pear tree. A little weird, I thought, but I let it pass. To be honest, as the first day of Christmas is Christmas Day, I’d have preferred a turkey.

On the second day he sent me two turtle doves. Romantic, because I believe they mate for life, so I could see the symbolism. But he also sent me another partridge in a pear tree. What was that about?

Next day it was three French hens – or should I say, trois French hens? My little joke, Judge. I still had a sense of humour at that point. Plus two more doves and another partridge in a pear tree.

On the fourth day I was afraid to open the door to the postman. I was right to be afraid: ten birds arrived that morning, four of which were colly birds. Is there anyone on the planet who knows what a colly bird is? I think my True Love made that one up, or he ordered calling birds, but the shop saw a chance to finally offload the 36 colly birds they had lying around in the storeroom which they had ordered by accident.Image result for true love funny

Probably guessing from my enraged texts and emails that by now I was a little miffed, he had the good sense to send me five gold rings on day five of Christmasgate. I was mollified enough to think it would be okay to accept day six’s gift. Boy, was I ever wrong! Six – count them: one-two-three-four-five-SIX – geese-a-laying. The eggs would have been acceptable but I couldn’t get near them. Do you know how protective geese are of their eggs? I still have the bill marks on my legs. And it’s not nice to be hissed at by 42 geese (yes, 42; because he sent me six more geese who wouldn’t share, every day for the next six days).  It’s like I’m living in a really bad pantomime in the comfort of my own home – though there’s not much comfort to be had with 184 birds running around, making a racket and pooping like there’s no tomorrow. Which there wasn’t for those I managed to store in my freezer… Not to mention the 42 goslings under my feet, imprinting on me. It made shopping impossible.

Image result for true love funny

And yes, you did read that right, Judge: 184 birds in total is what my True Love sent to me. 226, if you count the inevitable babies.

But he saved the best for last, which I’ll call Day Seven, because it was. I may have been a little unhinged by this point. I refused to open the door so the delivery truck left my idiot boyfriend’s ridiculous idea of a love token in my tiny back garden: seven swans-a-swimming. Seven swans-a-swimming! You know what that means, don’t you? An inflatable pool! In my pocket garden! And not just one inflatable pool, oh no! SIX inflatable pools, because he sent me the same gift for the next five days, along with eight maids-a-milking, nine ladies dancing (I don’t even watch Strictly), ten lords-a-leaping (I’m interested in politics, yes, but not to the point of inviting the second chamber into my home – and the ornaments those old codgers broke…), eleven pipers piping, and twelve drummers drumming, right through my skull.Image result for true love funny

By the time I got the injunction against my True Love, it was too late – the neighbours had complained about the smell, the illegal poultry farm I had set up, and the music played at full volume at all hours of the day and night.  I was evicted by the council for antisocial behaviour.  I was homeless, penniless (having spent all my money on bird seed and feeding guests) and furious – mostly because all swans are owned by the Crown, so my True Love had scuppered the chance of me ever appearing on any future Honours List.

I admit to seeking out my True Love who, while big on romantic gestures, was a slacker when it came to paying for the upkeep of all those birds or feeding 140 people – though I’ll accept, the poultry and the eighty buckets of milk did come in handy there.Image result for true love funny

I also admit to pelting him with rock hard pears (they were out of season; what was the silly beggar thinking?) and, when that didn’t work, belting him with as many pipes, drums and drumsticks as I could lay my hands on. But the death stroke was, I’m convinced, administered by the swans, who didn’t like it when, weighed down by 40 gold rings, I fell into one of their pools and almost drowned whilst trying to pry the human leech off me.  I did manage to escape though he, sadly, did not.  All was not lost however – the sale of the forty rings to Gold ‘R ‘ Us paid for his funeral, and the cortege, comprised of my personal aviary, attracted media attention and led to my new career in reality TV, specifically, Come Dine With Me (which I won, thanks to some exotic poultry dishes), How Clean Is Your House? (not very, as it happens), and Farmer Wants A Wife.

So, dear Judge, I think you can see that I acted under extreme provocation while the balance of my mind was disturbed and my feet were in three tons of guano.

If you let me off, I will be free to marry one of the drummers, Bill, who has promised to give me only chocolates, toiletries and DVDs as Christmas presents.

I throw myself on the mercy of the court.

Signed, The Moulting Housewife


17 Responses to “Happy Valentine’s Day?”

  1. slpmartin February 14, 2018 at 17:44 #

    Thanks for the laugh this Valentine’s day!


  2. Patrecia (with an E) February 14, 2018 at 18:02 #

    Egg-sell-aunt..?.think about it

    Liked by 1 person

    • The Laughing Housewife February 15, 2018 at 13:52 #


      I still can’t access your blog. How are the pets these days?


      • patrecia February 15, 2018 at 16:19 #

        My blog is no more l dont think..its months since l even looked at it. Dogs are all fine..now 6 but no more! We also have a dog on front garden that we feed and house in a kennel but he was neighbours dog..now dead.neighbour not dog..also feed two others in an old wood yard..and one just had pups. The man who owns the yard also feeds and cares for them.
        Keeping reasonably well but not getting youngerp

        Liked by 1 person

  3. restlessjo February 14, 2018 at 20:02 #

    Happy Valentine’s Day, Tilly! 🙂 🙂 My husband had a chuckle at my…ahem… beautifully drawn handmade card, and we are currently scoffing naughty Portuguese sweets.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. colonialist February 14, 2018 at 21:41 #

    I have never understood the aversion to the pear trees. Just handy for planting an orchard for later pear consumption

    Liked by 1 person

    • The Laughing Housewife February 15, 2018 at 13:51 #

      An orchard in a South African garden, yes. But in mine…? Where would I swing the cat?

      Liked by 1 person

      • colonialist February 15, 2018 at 20:30 #

        Between pear trees, of course! And you could do away with the driveway/path to front door in favour of some Tarzan-type vines up in the branches. That would make it easier to pick pears, too.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Debra February 15, 2018 at 02:13 #

    It seemed like an odd juxtaposition this year to have Ash Wednesday fall on Valentine’s Day. You didn’t give up Maltesers for Lent, did you? (Wine is medicinal, isn’t it? No need to give that up!)

    I did get a very hearty laugh over this story, Tilly! It’s also really nice to hear from you. You picked a good day to spread a little cheer! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • The Laughing Housewife February 15, 2018 at 13:50 #

      Thanks, Debra!

      I hardly ever eat Maltesers these days. Trying to cut back on the junk before I develop various conditions associated with ageing and the western diet.

      Come to think of it, that’s probably why my blogging slowed down – I’m too miserable to be happy…


  6. Elaine - I used to be indecisive February 15, 2018 at 03:13 #

    😀 Thank you for the Valentine’s Day smiles.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. jmgoyder February 17, 2018 at 13:50 #

    Hilarious as ever! And clever to boot x

    Liked by 1 person

I welcome your comments but be warned: I'm menopausal and as likely to snarl as smile. Wine or Maltesers are an acceptable bribe; or a compliment about my youthful looks and cheery disposition will do in a pinch.

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