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Joke 990

8 Dec

From an email doing the rounds:

  • Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.   Dave Barry
  • In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.   Dereke Bruce
  • You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets.   Nora Ephron
  • Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.   Robert A. Heinlein
  • Whoever said you can’t buy happiness forgot about puppies.   Gene Hill
  • To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs.   Aldous Huxley
  • There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.   Ben Williams
  • Cat’s motto: No matter what you’ve done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.   Unknown
  • Cats were once worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.   Unknown
  • Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.   Jeff Valdez
  • Old age means realizing you will never own all the dogs you wanted to.   Joe Gores
  • I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven’t got the guts to bite people themselves.   August Strindberg
  • In a cat’s eye, all things belong to cats.   English Proverb
  • If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warmer.   Alfred North Whitehead
  • My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That’s almost $7.00 in dog money.    Joe Weinstein
  • Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.   Unknown
  • A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.   Mark Twain
  • Dogs come when they are called; cats take a message and get back to you.   Mary Bly
  • The factory of the future will have only two employees, a man and a dog. The man will be there to feed the dog. The dog will be there to keep the man from touching the equipment.   Warren Bennis
Bucket-headed dog

Bucket-headed dog (Photo credit: Paul Kidd)

From the archive:

*

An old man approached a young stranger in the post office and asked, “Sir, would you address this postcard for me?”

The young man gladly did so, and then offered to write a short note for the old fellow. Finally the stranger asked, “Now, is there anything else I can do for you?”

The old man thought a moment and said, “Yes, at the end could you add, ‘Please excuse the sloppy handwriting’?”

*

I just got back from a statistical probability conference.  It was average.

*

I told my friend about the creative writing class I took, and she said that she had a simile experience.

*

Three old ladies, sisters, died and arrived at the pearly gates, where St Peter greeted them.

“You have led virtuous lives, without sin;  but then you have never been in the way of temptation.  So you can come in but you must look after the ducks.”  They were taken to a huge hangar where the floor was covered with ducks of all ages, and warned that they would be punished if they killed or damaged a single duck.

Sure enough, one old lady tripped, stood on a duck and killed it.  As a punishment, she was handcuffed to the smelliest, ugliest, wartiest old man for eternity. One month later, another old lady stood on a duck and she was similarly punished.  A few weeks later, the third old lady was handcuffed to a handsome young Adonis, the answer to all her secret desires.

“What have I done to deserve this?”  she asks.

“I don’t know, ” said the young man; “but I stood on a duck.”

dog

dog (Photo credit: davidyuweb)

Joke 989

7 Dec

A Beagle dropped the Kindle he was biting and said to the Boxer,

“Go ahead take it. Call me old fashioned but I still prefer a real book.”

*

A sign of the times:

I swore at the judge and he downloaded the eBook at me.

*

Kindle: A popular eBook reader.

Nook: Where you hide your Kindle from your kids.

*

From klerosier.com

That was SO funny!!

That was SO funny!! (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

More from the archive:

*

The barn at Larry and Susan’s farm burned down, and Susan called the insurance company.

Susan: “We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money.”

Agent: “Wait just a minute, Susan…it doesn’t work quite like that. We will determine the value of the old barn and provide you with a new one of comparable worth.”

Susan, after a pause: “I’d like to cancel the policy on my husband.”

*

A man took his dog to the vet. 

“My dog is cross-eyed; is there anything you can do for him?” he asked.

“Well,” said the vet, “let’s take a look at him.”  He picked the dog up and examined his eyes, then checked his teeth.  Finally he said, “I’m going to have to put him down.”

“What?” asked the distraught man.  “Because he’s cross-eyed?”

“No,” replied the vet, “because he’s really heavy.”

*

Two fonts walk into a bar. The barman says to them, “Get out. We don’t serve your type in here.”

*

OLD IS WHEN…
Your sweetie says, ‘Let’s go upstairs and make love,’ and you answer, ‘ Pick one; I can’t do both.’

*

I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest, I only intended to rough him up a bit.

bank charges ATM cash machine cartoon funny DS...

bank charges ATM cash machine cartoon funny DSCN9568 (Photo credit: DrJohnBullas)

 

Joke 988

6 Dec

Edward Lear, the 19th Century landscape artist, once wrote of a favourite duchess who gave magnificent dinner parties, attended by the highest society.

One night whilst entertaining, she let out a huge fart and quickly focused her gaze on Hawkins the Butler, standing behind her.

“Hawkins!” she cried, “Stop that!”

“Certainly, Your Grace,” Hawkins replied with dignity, “Which way did it go?”

*

From Butlers2go

Jokes from the archive:

*

What sound do toddler owls make?

Why…why…why…

*

Somebody’s just thrown a massive lump of cheese at me!

I thought to myself, that’s not very mature.

*

At a wedding reception recently someone yelled, “All the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living.” 

The bartender was nearly crushed to death.

*

My mate’s wife left him last Thursday; she said she was going out for a pint of milk and never came back.

I asked him how he was coping and he said, “Not bad, I’ve been using that powdered stuff.”

*

Important Statistics

 

Joke 987

5 Dec
frein

frein (Photo credit: Ludie Cochrane)

The first three jokes are from Reader’s Digest.

These holiday “headlines” — concocted by the satirists at the Onion — are completely fabricated. And yet they have the ring of truth. 

• Coal Now Too Expensive to Put in Christmas Stockings 
• Study Finds Link Between Red Wine/Letting Mother Know What You Really Think 
• Accountants Pack Times Square for Fiscal New Year 
• Book Given as Gift Actually Read

*

My friend reviewed her young son’s fill-in-the-blank homework. One line: “At Christmas, we exchange gifts with ____.”

His response: “Receipts.”

*

As we were putting out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve, I accidentally dropped one. “No problem,” I said, picking it up and dusting it off before placing it back on the plate.

“You can’t do that,” argued my four-year-old.

“Don’t worry. Santa will never know.”

He shot me a look. “So he knows if I’ve been bad or good, but he doesn’t know the cookie fell on the floor?”

*

And from the archive:

*

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson went camping. After sharing a good meal and a bottle of wine, they retired to their tent for the night.  At about 3 a.m., Holmes nudged Watson and said, “Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied, “I see millions of stars.”

Holmes asked, “And what does that tell you?”

Watson replied, “Astronomically, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and we are small and insignificant. Horologically, it tells me that it’s about 3 a.m.  Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes retorted, “It tells me someone stole our tent.”

*

And on a similar theme, this one is from real life.

The Hub: I fancy watching a new series coming on, Pet Detectives.

Spud: Do you know who solves the mysteries?

The Hub [walking straight into it]: No.

Spud: Sherlock Bones.

 

Joke 986

4 Dec

Thanks to Vivinfrance for today’s joke.

*

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.

“Wow!” said her father.  “That was short.  You usually talk for two hours.  What happened?”

“Wrong number,” she replied.

Ribbons!

Some more from the archive:

*

A man died and his wife phoned the newspaper to place an obituary.

She called the obituary department and said, “This is what I want to print: Bernie is dead.”

The man at the newspaper said, “But for $25 you are allowed to print six words.”

The woman answered, “OK. Then print: Bernie is dead. Toyota for sale.”

*

Navy regulations prohibit underwater promotion to the ministry.

Doing so would constitute insubordination.

*

Government Philosophy:

If it ain’t broke, fix it ’til it is.

*

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.

Talk about Dyson with death. 

*

What noise does a grammatically correct owl make?

‘Whom.’

Joke 985

3 Dec

My nine-year-old daughter walked in while I was getting ready for work. “What are you doing?” she asked.

“Putting on my wrinkle cream,” I answered.

“Oh,” she said, walking away. “I thought they were natural.”
*

From Readers Digest

Two more from the archive:

*

What do you call a cat that cuts your grass?

A lawn meower.

The Evolution Of Math

1950:
A lumberjack sells a truckload of lumber for $100.  His cost of production is 4/5 of this price. What is his profit?

1960 (traditional math):
A lumberjack sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of this price, or in other words $80. What is his profit?

1970 (new math):
A lumberjack exchanges a set L of lumber for a set M of money.  The cardinality of set M is 100, and each element is worth $1.  Make 100 dots representing the elements of set M.  The set C is a subset of set M, of cardinality 80. What is the cardinality of the set P of profits, if P is the difference set MC?

1980 (equal opportunity math):
A lumberjack sells a truckload of wood for $100. His or her cost of production is $80, and his or her profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

1990 (outcome based education):
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, a lumberperson makes $20. What do you think of his way of making a living?  In your group, discuss how the forest birds and squirrels feel, and write an essay about it.

1995 (entrepreneurial math):
By laying off 402 of its lumberjacks, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.

1998 (motivational math):
A logging company exports its wood-finishing jobs to its foreign subsidiary and lays off the corresponding half of its US workers (the higher-paid half). It clear-cuts 95% of the forest, leaving the rest for the spotted owl, and lays off all its remaining US workers. It tells the workers that the spotted owl is responsible for the absence of fellable trees and lobbies Congress for exemption from the Endangered Species Act. Congress instead exempts the company from all federal regulation. What is the return on investment of the lobbying?

A nurse is giving a new intern a tour of the hospital.

The intern approaches one bedridden patient and asks, “Why are you here?”

The patient replies, “Wee sleket cowerin’ timrous beastie/O, what a panic is in thy breastie.”

The intern moves on to the next bed and asks the same question.  

The patient answers, “O, my luve’s like a red, red, rose that’s newly sprung in June.”

At the third bed the intern asks again, “Why are you here?” 

The third patient replies, “The best laid plans of mice and men, may often gang awry.”

At this, the intern turns to the nurse and asks, “What ward is this anyway?”

The nurse answers, “It’s the Burns Unit.”

[Tilly Bud math]

 

Joke 984

2 Dec
I am told the end justifies the means

I am told the end justifies the means (Photo credit: Graela)

 Mike walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.  The barmaid looks at the creature and asks Mike what he calls it.

 ‘Tiny’, answers Mike. 

‘Why’s that?’ enquires the barmaid.

‘Because he’s my newt.’

*

[Think about it…]

*

From Will & Guy

***

This is from May 2010, Joke 51:

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.  Suddenly, the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and lose), he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5:00 AM.” He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 a.m. and he had missed his flight.  Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t woken him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, “It is 5:00 a.m.  Wake up.”

***

And a bonus joke (49), because it rings so true:

Two philosophers were in a restaurant, discussing whether there was a difference between misfortune and disaster.

“There is most certainly a difference,” said one. “If the cook suddenly died and we couldn’t have our dinner, that would be a misfortune – but certainly not a disaster. On the other hand, if a cruise ship carrying the Government was to sink in the middle of the ocean, that would be a disaster – but by no stretch of the imagination would it be a misfortune.”

Funny Old Fart Cartoon 001

Joke 983

1 Dec
Camouflage

Camouflage (Photo credit: robdownunder)

The sergeant-major growled at the young soldier: “I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning.”

“Thank you very much, sir.” 

*

From ajokeaday.com

*

From the archive:

Q. What do you call a line of rabbits walking backwards?

A. A receding hareline.

The Winding Up Begins

30 Nov
English: Joke shield of Princess Beatrice of York.

English: Joke shield of Princess Beatrice of York. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

As I tell the last few jokes of the challenge, I thought it would be fun to share some of my favourites of the previous jokes.

Every day, I will post a new joke and an old joke.  I’m sure you won’t mind.

I’ll share this joke to start the ball rolling; it’s one of my favourites simply because it’s Joke 1, posted on March 25, 2011.  It’s actually rubbish but I have a sentimental fondness for it:

*

*In a grammar lesson in eighth grade Mrs. O’Neill said, “Paul, give me a sentence with a direct object.”

Paul replied. “Everyone thinks you are the best teacher in the school.”

“Thank you, Paul,” responded Mrs. O’Neill, “but what is the object?”

“To get the best mark possible,” said Paul.

*

From ajokeaday.com

 

Joke 982

30 Nov
Coffee flowchart at the office

Coffee flowchart at the office (Photo credit: supercooper)

A couple argue about who should make the coffee in the morning.

Wife: I think you should do it because you get up first.

Husband: The kitchen is your domain, and you do all the cooking so you know where everything is. I think you should make the coffee.

Wife: No way.  You should do it. The Bible even says so.

She grabs the family Bible, thumbs through, and points to the appropriate section: “Hebrews”

funny pictures

funny pictures (Photo credit: Philippe Lin)

From ajokeaday.com

Just So You Know…

29 Nov
scary candy

scary candy (Photo credit: bunchofpants)

…I don’t want to frighten you, but there are only twenty more jokes to be told before I reach my target of telling a joke a day for 1001 days.

I thought I’d better mention it.

Joke 981

29 Nov

Thanks to Siggi of Maine for forwarding these. The original author is Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA.

*

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.  

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a ‘massive internal fart.’

funny doctors and nurse

funny doctors and nurse (Photo credit: ReSurge International)

 
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall.

‘Big breaths,’ I instructed. 

‘Yes, they used to be,’ replied the patient.

Joke 980

28 Nov
Marriage Proposal Cartoon

Marriage Proposal Cartoon (Photo credit: Mr. Daniel Ted Feliciano)

A man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, “I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.”

The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”

The man replies, “That would be my wife.”

*

From paradigmsearch.hubpages.com

Joke 979

27 Nov
donkey

donkey (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.’

Chuck replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’

The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.’

Chuck said, ‘OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.’

The farmer asked, ‘What ya gonna do with him?’

Chuck said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’

The farmer said, ‘You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!’

Chuck said, ‘Sure I can, watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, ‘What happened with the dead donkey?’

Chuck said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00.’

The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’

Chuck said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.’

Chuck now works on Wall Street.

*

From paradigmsearch.hubpages.com/

I Have The Cruellest Readers

26 Nov

Here are my doppelgängers, as per your mocking:

Salvador Dali

English: Salvador Dali with ocelot and cane.

English: Salvador Dali with ocelot and cane. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

As suggested by Gabrielle.

The Laughing Housewife

DSCN2296

Hercule Poirot

Hercule Poirot

Hercule Poirot (Photo credit: elena-lu)

As suggested by Patrecia and Laurie

When I said no compliments…

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