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Free, Tree And Dead Again Me

21 Feb

When you were 16, what did you think your life would look like?

M (James Bond)

M (James Bond) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Like I was a successful actress.

Does it look like that?

No.

Is that a good thing?

It is what it is.  I never had the courage to pursue it so I have nobody to blame but myself.  Regrets are useless so I don’t have any.  What I do have is a happy marriage and two gorgeous sons.  I wouldn’t trade them for anything.

*

If you could choose to be a master (or mistress) of any skill in the world, which skill would you pick?

Cooking, so I could hang on to this perfect family I am slowly poisoning.

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“It’s never a good idea to discuss religion or politics with people you don’t really know.” Agree or disagree?

Well, dear WordPress prompter, I’d rather not say because I don’t really know you.

*

Write your own eulogy.

Tilly’s death at the hands of irritated WordPress prompters was sudden but inevitable.  She never knew when to quit and they didn’t like her pointing out that she had recently had to write her own obituary and was it personal on their part or had they become FreudPress prompters?

Also, she knew her way around a box of Maltesers, but not a kitchen.

*

Blue Bee

Blue Bee (Photo credit: bob in swamp)

Most of us have heard the saying, “That’s the best thing since sliced bread!” What do you think is actually the best thing since sliced bread?

The internet.  How else would I have discovered a bunch of people around the world willing to send me stuff out of the blue?

Speaking of which, thank you for the book, Bee Blue.  I’d kiss you but I know how you feel about that.

*

Go to the nearest window. Look out for a full minute. Write about what you saw.

A tree.

That’s it.  It’s bigger than our house and blocks the view to everything…no, wait: something’s behind it.  Is that a WordPress prompter with a stick of dynamite in her mask…?

*

Describe your relationship with your phone. Is it your lifeline, a buzzing nuisance, or something in between?

I’m sure that once I discover how to turn it on, we’ll be the best of friends.

*

A genie has granted your wish to build your perfect space for reading and writing. What’s it like?

Actor portraying blue Genie character in Disne...

Actor portraying blue Genie character in Disney’s Aladdin stage show (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It’s like Robin Williams. Since Aladdin, they all are.

*

You have to learn a new skill. Do you prefer to read about it, watch someone else do it, hear someone describe it, or try it yourself?

Why do I need to learn a new skill?  I have my own personal genie.

*

Write about anything you’d like. Somewhere in your post, include the sentence, “I heard the car door slam, and immediately looked a the clock.”

I was reading this post when I heard the car door slam, and immediately looked at the clock.  I knew it was the Grammar Police, come to take away the WordPress prompter who had one too few ‘t’s in his at.

I Like Big Prompts And I Cannot Lie

22 Jan

A pregnant woman

A pregnant woman (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Write page three of your autobiography.

My Mum stood up and said, ‘I don’t remember coughing.’  Then she realised her waters had broken.

[Insert several photographs of an old cottage suite with a damp patch]

*

Tell us about a guilty pleasure that you hate to love.

Where do I start?  Not with anything I’ve already told to death:

  • Maltesers (make me fat)
  • Twilight (makes me stupid)
  • Tormenting WordPress prompters (makes them look fathead stupid and may get me kicked off WordPress one day)

I’ll tell you about my latest guilty pleasure, as of this morning:

The Hub bought me a laptop for Christmas.  My back still aches from sitting at the computer way too long, though regular breaks help (thank you, readers, for the tips).  The Hub nagged until I heard him and, as a result, I have spent this morning lying on the couch, under my Vivquilt and laptop, snug against the cold and resenting toilet breaks.  I may never get up again.  That being so, this couch may end up looking like my mother’s.

 

A writer once said, “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” If this is true, which five people would you like to spend your time with?

  • Jesus (to be good, kind, tolerant and loving)
  • The Hub (to be confident and attractive)
  • Tory Boy (to be smart and funny)
  • Spud (to be smart and funny) (no favouritism from this mother)
  • The head of Mars Confectionery (to be Malteser available at all times)

*

What question do you hate to be asked?  Why?

What exactly is in this dish I’m eating?

‘Don’t ask; don’t tell’ is my motto.

*

Describe your last attempt to learn something that did not come easily to you.


How to turn off my phone.  It did not end well, for the phone or my finger.  Spud showed me an acceptable compromise: how to put it on ‘Silent’.  If only the Hub had such a button.

*

Explore the room you’re in as if you’re seeing it for the first time. Pretend you know nothing. What do you see? Who is the person who lives there?

I see a stain on the couch; it must be my mother’s house.

 

*

 

 

 

Water, Water Everywhere

30 Dec

If there were a real Fountain of Youth, would you drink the water?

English: Bottled water fills an aisle in a sup...

Bottled water fills an aisle in a supermarket (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

No.  One should drink bottled water in foreign climes, or risk the two bob bits.

*

You’re having a nightmare, and have to choose between three doors. Pick one, and tell us about what you find on the other side.

A WordPress Prompter holding a glass of foreign water with my name on it.

*

What’s your ideal Saturday morning?

Filling up plastic bottles with our good Manchester tap water.

Are you doing those things this morning?

No.

Why not?

It’s Sunday.

*

Write a letter to your mom. Tell her something you’ve always wanted to say, but haven’t been able to. 

Dear Mum,

I hope you are comfortable as a pile of ash in a wooden box in the ground in Widnes.

I told you not to drink the water.

Love, Tilly x

*

What is your worst quality?

Using my dead mother as a comedy prop.

*

Tell us about a time when you had to choose between two options, and you picked the unpopular choice.

I could have chosen not to use my beloved dead mother as a comedy prop for a WordPress prompt post, but I just couldn’t help myself.

I am my dead father’s daughter.

*

If you were asked to spend a year living in a different location, where would you choose? 

In the States, under an assumed name after I was hounded out of Britain by outraged mothers who mistook my affectionate ribbing of my mother for a disrespectful poke.

Why the States?

They sell bottled water.

*

*

 

My True Love Is An Idiot

8 Dec
Love ? I love love love you.

Love ? I love love love you. (Photo credit: @Doug88888)

 

Dear Judge,

 

I know I killed my True Love in a fit of rage but I think, once you hear my tale, you will have to acknowledge that I was provoked beyond what any reasonable person could stand.

 

Things started off well.  On the first day of Christmas, my True Love sent me a partridge in a pear tree.  A little weird, I thought, but I let that pass.  To be honest, as the first day of Christmas is Christmas Day, I’d have preferred a turkey.

 

On the second day he sent me two turtle doves.  Romantic, because I believe they mate for life, so I could see the symbolism.  But he also sent me another partridge in a pear tree.  Why?

 

Next day it was three French hens (or should I say, trois French hens?  My little joke, Judge.  I still had a sense of humour at that point) – plus two more doves and another partridge in a pear tree.

 

twelve days of christmas

twelve days of christmas (Photo credit: wiccked)

 

On the fourth day I was afraid to open the door to the postman.  I was right to be afraid: ten birds arrived that morning, four of which were colly birds.  Is there anyone on the planet who knows what a colly  bird is?  I think my True Love made that one up, or he meant calling birds and the shop saw a chance to finally offload the 36 colly birds they had lying around in the storeroom which they had ordered by accident.

 

Probably guessing from my enraged texts and emails that by now I was a little miffed, he had the good sense to send me five gold rings on day five of Christmasgate.  I was mollified enough to think it would be okay to accept day six’s gift.  Boy, was I ever wrong!  Six – count them: one-two-three-four-five-SIX – geese-a-laying.  The eggs would have been acceptable but I couldn’t get near them.  Do you know how protective geese are of their eggs?  I still have the bill marks on my legs.  And it’s not nice to be hissed at by 42 geese (yes, 42; because he sent me six more geese who wouldn’t share every day for the next six days); it’s like being in a really bad pantomime in the comfort of my own home, though there’s not much comfort with 184 birds running around, making a racket and pooping like there’s no tomorrow.  Which there wasn’t for those I managed to store in my freezer…  Not to mention the 42 goslings under my feet, imprinting on me.  It made shopping impossible.

 

You did read that right, Judge: 184 birds is what my True Love sent to me.  226, if you count the babies.

 

But he saved the best for last, which I’ll call Day Seven, because it was.  I may have been a little unhinged by this point.  I refused to open the door so the delivery truck left my idiot boyfriend’s ridiculous idea of a love token in my tiny back garden: seven swans-a-swimming.  Seven swans-a-swimming!  You know what that means, don’t you?  An inflatable pool!  In my pocket garden! And not just one inflatable pool, oh no!  SIX inflatable pools, because he sent me the same gift for the next five days, along with eight maids-a-milking, nine ladies dancing (I don’t even watch Strictly), ten lords-a-leaping (I’m interested in politics, yes, but not to the point of inviting the second chamber into my home – and the ornaments those old codgers broke…), eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming, right through my skull.

 

1st Day of Christmas Partridge in A Pear Tree

1st Day of Christmas Partridge in A Pear Tree (Photo credit: Cindy97007)

 

By the time I got the injunction against my True Love, it was too late – the neighbours had complained about the smell, the music played at full volume at all hours of the day and night, and the illegal poultry farm I had set up, and I was evicted by the council through the Anti-Social Behavioural law.  I was homeless, penniless (I had spent all my money on bird seed and feeding my guests) and furious – mostly because all swans are owned by the Crown, so my True Love had scuppered the chance of me being on any future Honours List.

 

I admit to seeking out my True Love who, while big on romantic gestures, was a slacker when it came to paying for the upkeep of all those birds or feeding 140 people – though the poultry and the eighty buckets of milk did come in handy there, I’ll accept.

 

I also admit to pelting him with rock hard pears (they were out of season; what was the silly beggar thinking?) and, when that didn’t work, belting him with as many pipes, drums and drumsticks as I could lay my hands on.  But the death stroke was, I’m convinced, administered by the swans, who didn’t like it when, weighed down by 40 gold rings, I fell into one of their pools and almost drowned.

 

So, dear Judge, I think you can see that I acted under extreme provocation while the balance of my mind was disturbed and my feet were in three tons of guano.

 

If you let me off, I will be free to marry one of the drummers, Bill, who has promised to give me only chocolates, toiletries and DVDs as Christmas presents.

 

I throw myself on the mercy of the court.

 

Signed, The Moulting Housewife

 

 

Readers Say The Darndest Things

23 Nov

I don’t know if you read all of the comments on this blog, but they are often better than the posts.  My readers are a funny lot.

Yesterday, Charlie from Read Between The Minds left a You Tube clip for me to watch.  

I’ve never heard of Art Linkletter, who had a show called Kids Say The Darndest Things.  Spud, however, was on a British version called Michael Barrymore’s Kids Say The Funniest Things.  Sadly, there’s no tape of it: the show was recorded in February, along with a whole series, but never shown because there was a terrible scandal that summer, when a man died at Barrymore’s home.  The scandal ended Barrymore’s career.

The clip Charlie left is from 1959.  I cried with laughter.  

I’ll tell you my two favourite quotes after the video, because I don’t want to spoil it for you.

I loved the little girl who said that ‘Adam and Eve had a whole mess o’ babies,’ because she’s just the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.

And I love the logic of the little boy who told us that God’s punishment on Eve for causing all the trouble was to make her ‘a housewife.’  Out of the mouths of babes…

Thanks for a huge laugh, Charlie.

 

Top Ten Scariest Receptionists

4 Nov
Nice Reception people at DICE in Stockholm

Nice Reception people at DICE in Stockholm (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Show me a person who doesn’t fear receptionists and I’ll show you the person who runs the organisation and employs receptionists specifically to keep us plebs out.

The law of averages dictates that at least one of my readers is bound to be a receptionist of some sort so I acknowledge in advance that you are absolutely not one of the following monsters who ruin ordinary lives, being the exception that proves the rule.  Though how an exception proves a rule, I’ve never understood: surely an exception disproves the rule?

Dear Reception Exception, you’re not by any chance gatekeeper to someone who can explain that, are you?

&

10.  Switchboard Operators

Receptionists with delusions of grandeur and real power.  Think your partner is having an affair because you can never get hold of them?  They’re not – they just annoyed the Switchboard Operator who won’t now put calls through.

They come in at Number Ten because mobile phones and email are stripping them of their ability to break up your relationship.

9.  Receptionists Who Work in Government Offices

Your taxes pay their salaries so, effectively, they work for you.

Like they care about that.

8.  Conglomerate Receptionists

Professional, attractive, friendly, helpful.

They are the bait that conglomerates use to hook you.  Be prepared for a thorough fleecing and some mixed metaphors.

7.  Office Administrators

Receptionists with delusions of grandeur.  I’ve been one.  I know whereof I speak.  Ask me for a new pen and see how quickly you lose an eye.

6.  Gym Receptionists

Like Conglomerate Receptionists but with sickeningly gorgeous figures in lycra and the ability to shave money from your bank account for an indefinite period of time.

5.  Job Centre Receptionists

How dare you be unemployed!?  Get out, scum.

4.  Hairdressers’ Receptionists

Slim, beautiful, perfectly coiffed and manicured.

Intimidating in an I-can’t-believe-you’d-dare-visit-this-over-priced-salon-in-no-make-up-and-wearing-that sort of way.

3.  Post Office Counter Staff

So unhelpful and unfriendly, they count as Honorary Receptionists.

Tell me I’m wrong.

2.  School Receptionists

‘Grim’ is their default facial expression setting.

I never met one yet who didn’t terrify me.  Though there was one tiny, skinny, middle-aged woman in my high school years who won points for riding a 750cc motorbike in full leathers and helmet to work.  Total astonishment always trumps fear.

1.  Medical Receptionists

My failure to prevent the Hub’s future pneumonia is a case in point.  They get to be Number One because they hold the power of life and death in their appointment book-wielding hands.

*

Weekly Photo Challenge: Mine

1 Oct

Plus the box on my bedside table and the empty one in the recycling bin.  

Don’t tell me I’m not predictable.

Or environmentally friendly.

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