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Exciting News! (For Me, Anyway)

17 Feb

So guess what I did yesterday? You’ll never guess. I’ll just tell you, shall I?

I did this:

That’s me signing something.

Shall we have a poll? We haven’t had a poll in years. Let’s have a poll!


I may be a little giddy with excitement: I’ve always wanted my own Malteser factory. I mean, I’ve always wanted to put the Hub away. No, no, I mean, my first poetry collection is coming out in the summer.¬†

Here’s my publisher’s website. They are based in Marple and have been going for about twenty years.

Did you catch that? ‘Here’s my publisher’s website.’ Giddy doesn’t begin to cover it ūüôā¬†



Tag, You’re It

5 Nov
funny tag

funny tag (Photo credit: Phil Denton)

My tag line is There’s Always A Silver Lining.

On another blog just now, I wrote in the comments, focus on the silver lining, not the cloud.  

I’ve been thinking of changing my tag line for a while, if I can only find the time between Bomp Bomp games; this is what I was thinking of: Sharing the laughter.

So, dear readers, which of them shall it be?  

I will abide by the majority vote.*

*And then change it to something else when you’re not looking, if I don’t like it.

Coughsnotty And A Poll

18 Feb
Toilet roll holder

Toilet roll holder (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

You know those times when you are there but not all there? ¬†(Don’t say that’s just me) ¬†That’s how I’ve been this week in the blogging world.

Sorry the posts have been weak and unfunny. ¬†I don’t know if it’s because this is a particularly nasty bug or because it takes longer to recover as we get older, but my head hasn’t been in the game. ¬†Mostly, it’s been buried in a box of tissues (and then a toilet roll, when the tissues ran out).

I thought I was feeling better yesterday: I showered, walked the dogs and cooked a proper meal.  Then I collapsed into bed in the afternoon, too weak to watch Dancing On Ice while catching up on comments.

I’m fed up with myself and to add to my misery, a couple of commenters mentioned that Word Ads have appeared on my blog. ¬†I haven’t signed up to them so I must investigate. ¬†That’s where the poll comes in:

I tried signing out of my blog to look for myself, but I can’t see any adverts. ¬†If you answered ‘Yes’, would you mind leaving a comment saying where they appear?

I need to know so I can kick up a fuss.  As soon as I have the energy to raise my leg.


Poo Picks

15 Sep


Time to vote:

pick a title

If you have arrived here from Six Word Saturday, here’s a quick catch-up: I intend to publish a book of poems about poo and I need a good title.

Thank you to everyone who left wonderful and funny and wonderfully funny suggestions.  I had intended to include them all in the poll, but I was showered with names and the poll would have been too long, like those cold calls you get that swear it will only take five minutes and by the time you get off the phone your children have grown up and left home.

I had to make an arbitrary selection and this judge’s decision is absolutely final. Unless you want to take a look at the original post, see what I’ve left out, and make a formal request to have your favourite included.



Polls & Up The Pole (I Must Be)

6 Mar
Six degrees of separation.

Image via Wikipedia

Results are in!

According to my readers, the correct definition of the word eubodicly is:

A particularly successful bowel motion

That’s about your level, I guess.

Did I mention that mine was the vote that tipped the balance?


You guys are cheats, or I am slow: there is no six degrees of separation now that Google is King.  Many of you found Shanea Vernon by typing her name and clicking search.  Have you no romance in your internet-withered souls?

Well done to Aquatom, at least, who knows Kevin Bacon via the movie Mystic River, which he hasn’t seen (it’s too complicated to explain; read his comment here).

I emailed my friend to ask her to get her Louse to check the business card for details (which I did not want to do, believing that the six degree thing was more fun.¬† Apparently¬†I’m alone in that), and it is indeed¬†the Shanea Vernon who works for Entertainmentpc, though she is now the managing member, not a sales representative.¬† I think¬†it is party planning.

I have requested to become her friend on Facebook.¬† If she accepts, and I don’t get locked up for stalking, I’ll explain to her how a stranger in Stockport came to know of her existence on the other side of the world, and proceeded to tell the whole world about her.¬† If I’m still not locked up for stalking, I believe she’ll be happy, because any publicity is good publicity, right?¬† Right?

Where’s my orange jumpsuit?

C Is For ‘Choice’

2 Mar

63 - Goa Dr Jack De Souza Statue, Dona Paula F...

I love choices, so long as they are unimportant.¬† Ask me to choose a new house, new furniture or the winner of the X-Factor and I pick the first one I see, to avoid meltdown.¬† Better yet, I get the Hub to choose: if it all goes wrong, it’s his fault.¬† What you call a win-win situation.

But ask me to participate in a survey or poll, and I’m your man.¬† I never met a doorstep pollster I didn’t invite into my home.¬† I helped redefine the Open University’s website during the 2000s, by my simple yeas or nays to their proffered options.¬† I love knowing that I’m one of the eight out of ten owners who said their cats preferred it.

Imagine my ecstasy, then, when I discovered WordPress had a poll feature.¬† I brought you polls on what I should call my first-born; which Friend you are; what theme I should use; what I should post;¬†when I should post; if should I post polls at all…you said ‘no’ to that last one, so I stopped canvassing your opinion and sulked a bit.

Today, because it’s spring, because I have nothing to write about, and because I really do value your opinion, I bring you a new poll.¬† Ignore it if you want, but remember: you provided the answers in the first place; and¬†if you want to be one of the eight out of ten bloggers who said their readers preferred it, you need to say so.

Going Off Grid

9 Nov
Totem Pole Park

Image by Travis S. via Flickr

I have a couple busy days of ahead, will I¬†which tell you about they’re once¬† done, so I not be may around to visit your comments or¬†answer your blogs. I posting will still be¬† and I catch will visit for a up as done soon as I’m, so bear please with me.

To show you I value your opinion, here’s a poll:

Though your¬†seems to be opinion that my polls you like don’t (are you listening, Big Al?), so perhaps I opinion don’t your value as much as I think you do.


4 Oct

File:Harrison's Chronometer H5.JPG

I tend to post at the following times (GMT, or whatever they’re calling it these days because they have to meddle all the time and it’s really not good to meddle with time as I realised this morning when I got up at 5:30 thinking it was 6:30):

  • Joke of the day: between five and six a.m.
  • Daily post: between 9:30 and 10:30 a.m.
  • Afternoon post, if I have one: between 14:30 and four p.m.

I’m thinking of spreading myself more thinly (it’s the only way that’s going to happen):

  • Joke of the day: between five and six a.m.
  • Daily post: between 12:30 and 14:30 p.m.
  • Evening¬†post, if I have one: between 21:30 and¬†eleven p.m.

What do you think?¬† Leave the scheduling as it is, or spread it out a bit?¬† To help my foreign readers (most of you; why is that?¬† And why is my biggest audience in the States?), here’s a time and date site so you can work out when it is now in the UK relative to where you are.

Let’s put a poll in the field (that’s why!¬† I can quote Aaron Sorkin at will):

Oops! And Other Things

22 Sep

A Letter From The Editor

Dear Subscribers,

Today you have received two Joke 182 emails.  This is not due to a technical hitch or over-enthusiasm on the part of WordPress or because the moon is in the seventh house.

It is because I am a dopey mare.¬† I forgot to check my scheduled posts last night before preparing today’s joke.¬†

You may also have received two other posts from my drafts.¬† Please ignore.¬† I have had four hours’ sleep and my brain has forgotten how to operate a blog.¬† [I had just typed that last sentence when I noticed a new email had come in; it is from Pun of the Day and I swear this is the actual joke: Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.]

Apologies for two jokes; apologies for two posts sent in error; apologies that this is the fifth email you have received from me today; apologies that¬†for some of you, it’s more.

The Management take such matters seriously so be assured I will punish myself by…took me a while to think of something, I nodded off; but here it is – and it’s about as painful a punishment as I’ll ever get:

I will post this post with all errors still in place.  No proofreading.  No editing.  No checking for mistakes three times, go to the toilet, three times more.

I don’t think punishments come harsher than that, do you?

Yours truly,

Dopey Mare.


What’s In A Name?¬† Mother Is Not Impressed

Last week a number of you voted on Tory Boy’s new name, having first suggested them all.¬† From this I learned:

  • My readers do not always have the courage of their convictions –¬†eight of the suggested names received no votes, not even from their suggesters.
  • You like polls.¬† No one voted for Another poll? Do you think I have time to waste reading all the options? I could be slumped in front of the tv.
  • 23% of you dislike change.¬† Wait until your purse is permanently empty and then tell me you dislike it: there is no sight so beautiful as a handful of coppers when you’re nine pence short of the price of milk.
  • My son is an idiot.

It was Tory Boy who suggested a name change in the first place.  It was Tory Boy who suggested asking my readers to come up with his new name.  It was Tory Boy who voted for Tory Boy.

More apologies, therefore, for wasting your time with a redundant poll: Tory Boy remains Tory Boy.  My new name is Rollinmyeyesindespair.


The Sky Is Falling!  The Sky Is Falling!

A satellite is due to fall on our heads tomorrow.  Time to buy a hat.  Or 26 hats, to be precise: according to The Huffington Post:

An estimated 26 pieces ‚Äď representing 1,200 pounds ‚Äď are expected to survive.

But don’t worry:

re-entry will occur over the Pacific late Friday afternoon, Eastern Time. But that’s give or take 14 hours.

I’m no scientist, or even¬†good at maths, but isn’t¬†fourteen hours more than enough time to cross the Pacific in a rowing boat, never mind a¬†whacking great chunk of metal hurtling through gravity?

Maybe a bowler hat?


I Did Not Have Punctual Relations With That Exclamation Mark…Semi-Colon

I tried; I really did.¬† But the addiction has gone too deep with me: I confess…I proofed this post; and then I proofed it some more.¬† I guess I’ll have to give up Maltesers for the day instead.

Don’t be impressed; it won’t be that difficult: I don’t have any in the house at the moment.

Looks like I can’t give up honesty, either.

On a related point, thank you to everyone who told me to ignore that spam fiend, Helen Keller.  I appreciate the support, I really do.  Now I have to go back to Writing School to re-take the Make It Absolutely Clear Your Tongue Is Firmly In Your Cheek class that I failed last year.

I have the best readers in the blogosphere.


I Am An Autocracy

17 Sep
Basic data: C. Cassius Longinus (issuer). 63 B...

Image via Wikipedia

Time to name my first child.

A few days ago, I told you that Tory Boy needs a new name.¬† Your suggestions are below.¬† If you have any more you can leave them in the comments.¬† It’s never too late (if you don’t believe me, wait until you’ve read them all; I’m begging you for more suggestions).

I’d better warn you that your vote, while it will be counted, may not count.¬† When it comes to naming babies (yes, he’s 21, but I’ve told him and I’m telling you: he will always be my baby), parental preference trumps popular vote every time.¬†

Thank you for your input; don’t be offended if I ignore it.

For more Six Word Saturdays, click here. 

101/1001 (21) Another Late Update

21 Aug

I’m sure you’ll forgive me for not keeping to my self-imposed updating timetable when I remind you that I have young visitors; and that there’s really nothing to report.¬†¬† It’s difficult to work on challenges when¬†I have a full house.¬† I suppose that’s part of the challenge.

We do have two welcome new members of our beginning not to be so exclusive club:

Silly Wrong But Vivid Right and Vicrace Designs

You can check out the other members on the right; and while you’re doing that, think about joining us.


As I have nothing to report, I’ll flesh this post out with a general catch-up.


Of some worry to the management was the number of people (28.57%) who willingly admitted to being freaks in the recent Friends poll.¬† At least you’re honest.

More concern was felt at the number of huge fibbers who claimed to have a life (35.71%). If that were the case, you wouldn’t be filling in fatuous polls now, would you?


The number of compliments paid has fallen sharply after my begging letter.¬† Thank you. Especially to those who took it to the other extreme and offered gratuitous insults.¬† It’s nice to know you care.


Finally, something I read this week amused me:

Space is important; vital, really, if you’re a newspaper: this week on the Stockport Express website, there was a headline that ran

Man who looted charity box in Manchester riots in the dock. 

But they ran the story in a narrow left-hand column and it read

Man who looted charity box in Manchester
riots in the dock


Don’t you just love it?

Are You A Friend?

17 Aug
The cast of Friends in the first season. Front...

Image via Wikipedia

I have a theory that everyone who watches Friends chooses the one they think they are most like as their favourite. 

I never said it was a good theory.  Or that I could write a coherent sentence.

Which one are you?


Poll Asked

14 Jun
A=Geographic poles, B=Geomagnetic poles, C=Mag...

Image via Wikipedia

The result of the number poll¬†is sort of in.¬† It’s a case of, whatever [strike hand attitude].

  • 30% Stop writing them now; they suck.
  • 24%¬†I’m wonderful and¬†they’re crazy.
  • 6%¬†¬†¬†Should get out now, while they still can.
  • 9% ¬† Don’t do maths in America.
  • 18% Are addicted to this blog.
  • 12% Couldn’t say.

I hope that’s as clear to everyone as it is to me.¬† Now, could somebody please explain it?

11.6.11 – For The Last And Final Time? *

11 Jun

*Of course it would be the final time if it was the last time, but since when did I let tautology get in the way of a dramatic title?¬† We haven’t¬†all been Freshly Pressed yet, you know.

Today’s topic is brought to you courtesy of Six Word Saturday:

I’m bored with the number posts.

Regular readers know that since 1.1.11 I have been blogging on the year’s fun numbers.¬† At first, on the first day and it being the first time of the year, it was amusing.¬† But we are half way through the year and it’s become repetitive.¬† Look, I’ll show you:

I bet you dozed off before you reached the end of that list, didn’t you?¬† I know I did.¬† It’s natural; real, even.¬† It would be odd if you didn’t.

I didn’t bother writing a 6.6.11 post and no one noticed.¬† That left me positive that¬†the number posts are past their prime.¬† I don’t mean to¬†be negative, but I think these posts are beginning to sound as if they’re written by the numbers – when was the last time I¬† showed you a funny You Tube clip or sunny photo of the Queen to illustrate them?¬†

I figure the best solution is to ask you, my faithful and beloved readers, to¬†work once again; it’s the rational thing to do.¬†

Here’s a poll:

The Noes Have It

14 May
World population distribution

Image via Wikipedia

All Those In Favour Of A Separate Joke Page:  4

All Those Who Think My System Is Perfect (no guesses for which way I voted): 18

Independents (please enlighten me as to what your ‘Other’ was): 1

Total Votes Cast: 23


Democracy in action! 

If by ‘Democracy’ I mean ’23 votes from a total world population of six billion ain’t bad.’


The jokes stay on the front page.



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