Tag Archives: 2012

Writingthisinahurry…

24 Dec
christmas tree

christmas tree (Photo credit: peminumkopi)

IhadintendedtowritealongpostabouthowmuchI’vegottodotoday.

but.

i’vegottoomuchtodotofindtimetowriteaboutit.

so.

ifyoucelebratetheholidays,merryChristmas!

(I’mnevertoobusytoputacapitalletterinfrontofChristmas).

and.

ifyoudon’tcelebrateChristmas,haveagoodmonday!

 

Joke 641

24 Dec
burbank christmas lights

burbank christmas lights (Photo credit: donielle)

IMPORTANT CHRISTMAS MESSAGE
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All employees planning to dash through the snow in a one horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are advised that a Risk Assessment will be required addressing the safety of an open sleigh for members of the public. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night. While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all users of this facility are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks.

The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that, prior to shining his/her glory all around, s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.

Following last year’s well-publicised case, everyone is advised that Equal Opportunities legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr R Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.

While it is acknowledged that gift bearing is a common practice in various parts of the world, particularly the Orient, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded, while caution is advised regarding other common gifts such as aromatic resins that may evoke allergic reactions.

Finally, in the recent instance of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.

 
Thanks to Viv for this, via her son’s Facebook page.

 

So Long As I Don’t Have To Touch It…

23 Dec
Eugène Delacroix - Sketch for Peace Descends t...

Eugène Delacroix – Sketch for Peace Descends to Earth – WGA06217 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I was doing the last of the ironing in the kitchen yesterday when I heard the Hub talking to someone in a gentle voice:

Now what are you doing back here?  Haven’t I put you out three times?  I know it’s cold and wet but you can’t stay here…

There was a pause.  He was obviously thinking.

He came into the kitchen, hands cupped.  I thought it was in supplication until I saw the huge spider dancing over them.

The Hub turned pleading eyes to me:

Please can he stay?  I’ve put him out three times but he keeps coming back in.  You can’t blame him: it’s miserable out there.  Can’t we find a dark spot where he won’t bother you?

Call it the season – not just about getting the ironing up to date, but also about peace on earth and goodwill to all men, women and arachnids – but I caved:

Fine.  Put him behind the trunks at the end of the hall.

The thing I feared has come upon me: the Hub has made me a spider-lover.

Joke 640

23 Dec
Santa and moose

Santa and moose (Photo credit: Jenny P.)

Ron at Scrambled, Not Fried has generously allowed me to lift this intact from his blog.  I would have re-blogged it but I don’t know how to schedule a re-blog and, much as I love Christmas, I’m not getting up at four in the morning to tell a joke.

13 Little-Known Holiday Factoids

  1. Christmas, as we know it today, was invented in 1596. Prior to that year, it was celebrated much like we celebrate Arbor Day today, but without the reverence for trees.
  2. The first three “Yule Logs” burned down the dwellings in which they were burned. The name has been shortened over the years from the saying, “Yule” die if you bring one of those things into the house.
  3. Santa never eats the cookies kids leave out for him. He collects them and donates them as gifts to local soup kitchens. (Keep ‘em coming, kids!)
  4. Most elves are Lithuanian.
  5. Before marrying, Mrs. Claus was a dental hygienist but left that career to become a Vegas Showgirl. This is where she first met Santa.
  6. Santa was (and remains) a “chubby chaser.” He showed no interest in his current wife until she quit her Vegas job and put on about 50 pounds.
  7. Santa has five children: four boys and a beautiful daughter named Belinda.
  8. Modern “Egg Nog” is primarily nog, with only a hint of synthetic egg flavoring.
  9. Santa has NEVER brought anyone a semi-automatic weapon for Christmas. These are invariably purchased by friends or family members, and are only labeled “From Santa” in an effort to avoid potential liability.
  10. A gift is a gift. Wrapping paper is a multi-million dollar racket.
  11. The feces of flying reindeer can burn a hole in your roof. House fires reported around Christmas time are often blamed on faulty wiring, dry trees, etc., but are more usually caused by Blitzen, who suffers from chronic diarrhea.
  12. There are really only 9 Days Of Christmas. Three days were tacked on as a mass-marketing ploy.
  13. Santa has suffered repeated hernias. His favorite joke is to say that carrying that big bag of toys around is the ‘real’ Nutcracker.

 

Rain, Rain, Nothing But Rain

22 Dec

The dog is going stir crazy.

IMGP2163

Just the one dog: Toby loves his walks but not in the rain.  He’s a Yorkshire Terrier and terriers believe in sniffing their way around a walk.  You can’t sniff anything in a puddle so what’s the point in going?  If it’s raining, he won’t go out and that’s that.

Unfortunately, it has done nothing but rain for a week.  There were at least two days when we didn’t get out, and on other days we managed ten-minute walks in the hiatus between one lot of clouds moving on and the next lot of clouds rolling in, but it’s not enough for a Squirrel Chaser (First Class) such as Toby.  

He’s driving me mad with his incessant nagging.  I have to open the front door every time he starts, letting the rain soak the carpet because the wind is always blowing in this direction.  

The problem is, dogs don’t think in the abstract; they live in the now as in:

I want a walk now, I want a walk now, I want a walk now!  Good, she’s putting on my coat, my harness, my lead, her coat, her scarf, her gloves, her shoes, what’s that big stick that opens up?  At last, I’m having my walk at last, at last – I’m not going out in that!  It’s filthy and I can’t smell anything.  Heels in; I like a good tug of war.  Let her get wet if she likes; I’m not that daft.

And then we have to take off the coat, the harness, the lead, the coat, the scarf, the gloves, the shoes.  I’m never sure which one of us is most disgruntled but I know who sulks the most.

Molly is a different kettle of dog:

It’s past September?  No thanks; I’ll walk in April.  

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Go here to join in the Six Word Saturday fun.

Joke 639

22 Dec
Kris with huge christmas dinner

Kris with huge christmas dinner (Photo credit: mrlerone)

What’s the most popular Christmas wine?

‘I don’t like Brussels sprouts!’

Husband (in all fairness, not mine):

A man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until 24 December to do his Christmas shopping.

What do you call a bunch of Grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

What do you call Santa’s helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.

What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh, Ho, Ho, Swoosh?

Santa caught in a revolving door.

What goes oh oh oh?

Santa walking backwards.

What’s it called when Father Christmas takes a rest?

Santa Pause

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?

Santa Jaws

Who sings ‘White Christmas’ then explodes?

Bang Crosby

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Be naughty – save Santa the trip.

From manwalksintoajoke.

21 Dec

I promised Tinman that, if we were all still here when the deadline passed, I’d reblog this post.

Please do yourself a favour and read it – it explains everything.

Worth Doing Badly

It began with a boy band.

Cojonez, the teen sensations who made Mayan maidens swoon with their renditions of other people’s ballads, and especially with their song about human sacrifices being tossed into the volcano (“Flying Without Wings”) wanted to “give something back to their fans”, in other words find some sort of merchandise that said fans would pay a lot of money for.

They went to see young local artist Hotwotlbotl and got him to do a calendar for the coming year, 250 BC, with a picture of one of them on each page. By March they had all sold out, so they asked him to start on 249 BC (no, I don’t know either). Then, well aware that the popularity of boy bands can be fleeting they got him to do the next five years as well.

They had woken a sleeping dragon. Hotwotlbotl had been the kind…

View original post 574 more words

So Long, And Thanks For All The Hits

21 Dec

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It’s the end of the world today.

See you on the other side.

Or tomorrow; whichever comes soonest.

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Joke 638

21 Dec

Signs You’ve Had Too Much Holiday Cheer

  • You strike a match and light your nose. 
  • You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad. 
  • You hear a duck quacking and it’s you. 
  • Christmas ElfYou tell your best joke to the rubber plant. 
  • You refill your glass from the fish bowl. 
  • You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet. 
  • You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket. 
  • You tell everyone you have to go home…and the party’s at your place.
  • You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
  • You pick up a roll, and butter your watch. 
  • You yawn at the biggest bore in the room and realize you’re in front of the hall mirror. 
  • You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear. 
  • You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.

From ahajokes.

Lull

20 Dec
English: Alan Rickman at a Hudson Union Societ...

Alan Rickman. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Things are winding down before they gear up again.  Most of the Christmas shopping is done.  Half of the Christmas cleaning is done.  The bulk of the wrapping so far is done.  I’m waiting to do my fresh bits shop at the weekend and for my two house guests to arrive on Sunday; then the fever starts in earnest on Christmas Eve.

English: Liam Neeson at the TIFF premiere of T...

Liam Neeson (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Friends came to my house last night, banished the menfolk to the bedrooms, ate pizza and crisps, drank a lot of wine and ogled various male actors in Love Actually.  One likes Karl (so pretty, we never got beyond his character’s name); another likes Alan Rickman (go figure); the third tussled with me for Colin Firth until she spotted Liam Neeson.  I took Hugh Grant as a bonus. None of us had drunk enough to ask for Bill Nighy.

Deutsch: Bill Nighy bei der Valkyrie-Premiere ...

Bill Nighy (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I had a good time but my head is banging this morning.  Not from alcohol – I’m such a lightweight, I get drunk just on the excitement of being in the same room as other people who are drinking.  One glass of wine and I’m hogging the karaoke machine; two, and I’m fast asleep in a corner.  

It was the late night and not enough sleep that had me fighting Spud for the paracetamol before he left for school: he also had a late night; he waited up to eat the leftovers.  I suspect that Toby also ate leftovers on the sly – he came downstairs this morning to throw up by the back door and went back to bed without asking for his breakfast.  As he is a dog who hassles Spud to get a move on in the mornings because he knows he will be fed as soon as Spud has left, I was all for calling an ambulance.

The banging has been interspersed with intermittent ringing.  Tory Boy phoned for a chat.  Ninety minutes later, he fobbed me and my sweaty ear off because he was on his way out to try to find a greasy spoon serving a full English breakfast. He lives darn sarf; he didn’t hold out much hope.  Southerners just don’t do greasy little cafés full of germs and tasty sausages like we northerners.

Colin Firth at the Nanny McPhee London premiere

Colin Firth  (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I had just come off the phone when my friend called to tell me she found her lost keys.  Her husband dropped her off here last night and the Hub took her home because her husband was on an early shift.  Pity she had to wake him up to let her in.  Her keys were in his car.  Then my brother phoned to talk about THIS SECTION HAS BEEN CENSORED DUE TO THE DELICATE NATURE OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT EXCHANGES.

English: Hugh Grant at a charity fundraiser he...

Hugh Grant (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I spent the morning watching a bit of Johnny Lee Miller in Elementary and then trawled through old posts to find something of interest to tell you.  I’ve got nothing.  December 2009 it was all snow.  December 2010 it was all snow and the worst head cold I’ve ever had.  December 2011 it was all the worst head cold I’ve ever had.  I know September 2012 I wrote about the worst head cold I’ve ever had.  Either the germs are mutating each year to attack me with more virulence, or I’m a bit of a drama queen.

When I’ve lain down on my chaise longue for a while in my flowing robe, and rested with lavender cloths over my eyes, we’ll talk about it.

Joke 637

20 Dec

There was once a great czar in Russia named Rudolf the Red.  One day he was looking out of the windows of his palace while his wife, the Czarina Katerina, sat nearby, knitting.

The Czar turned to her and said, “Look my dear, it has begun to rain!”

Without even looking up from her knitting the Czarina replied, “It is too cold to rain. It must be sleeting.”

The Czar shook his head and said, “I am the Czar of all the Russias, and Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear!”

I read this one all over the internet.

Dutch Treat

19 Dec
Dutch Treat Club - [cover drawing?] (LOC)

Dutch Treat Club – [cover drawing?] (LOC) (Photo credit: The Library of Congress)

Dutch Treat or, The Kind People You Meet In Blogging.

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Knock knock!

Who’s there?

The courier.

The courier who?

The courier who’s bringing you a parcel and would like to get home for his dinner after a long day of traffic jams, bad weather and suspicious people who won’t open the door and take this *%^£! parcel off my hands so I can get back to my own wife and family.  We celebrate Christmas too, you know; they’d like me to be there.

An unexpected parcel arrives.

I open it (obviously).

Photo by Best DSC!

Who sent me a notebook?

A broken notebook, because I hear rattling?

No, wait!  It’s even better than an electronic gadget – it’s…food!

Photo by Best DSC!

Dutch food, from my kind and generous blogging friend, KiwiDutch. Please visit her blog, because it’s cheaper than sending a ‘thank you’ card.

We have eaten the perishables (yummy) and saved the rest for Christmas.

Thank you for the lovely surprise, KiwiDutch!

thank you note for every language

thank you note for every language (Photo credit: woodleywonderworks)

And while I’m thanking people:

Joke 636

19 Dec

  • One good thing about Christmas shopping – it toughens you up for the January sales. – Grace Kriley
  • Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it.  Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it. – Richard Lamm
  • Oh, for the good old days when people would stop Christmas shopping when they ran out of money. – Author unknown
  • From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist it would be necessary to invent it. – Katharine Whitehorn
  • The magi, as you know, were wise men — wonderfuly wise men who brought gifts to the Babe in the manger. They invented the art of giving Christmas presents. – O. Henry
  • Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included. – English Proverb
  • Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space. – Dave Barry

From about.com.

 

Father Christmas, My Son

18 Dec

In an Ideal World, Tory Boy would be Santa Claus.

Oh, wait, he is:

IMGP2222

Tory Boy works as an assistant producer for Ideal World shopping channel; an excellent training ground for his future career in politics, getting people to buy what they neither want or need, but it looks good and they talk a great game, so why not?

The presenters needed a Father Christmas; Tory Boy volunteered.  He had great fun ho-ho-hoing around the studio, playing with the toys.

IMGP2217

He sent us a text to let us know he was going to be in front of the camera.   As he lives darn sarf and we haven’t seen him in months, we sat down, excited, to watch.

We cringed with embarrassment.  So did one of the presenters, who made a point of pointing them out: Tory Boy was wearing shoes he bought six years ago, when he was still at school.  We could smell them from several hundred miles away.

I hope he’s added new shoes to his list, so he can bring himself some.

We tried to replace those shoes last Christmas, over my loud and lengthy protests.  The Hub was convinced Tory Boy would love the new pair we bought him.  I was not.

To my joy – it almost never happens – the Hub was wrong; Tory Boy thought they were dreadful.  My joy was short-lived – Tory Boy thought they were dreadful; we ruined his Christmas.  What terrible parents we are.  We bought him lots of other stuff but he didn’t like one of his presents.  We ruined his Christmas. What terrible parents we are.

Photo by Best DSC!

Maybe my son, Father Christmas, can bring himself a new father for Christmas.

Just a new father: it’s a lot harder to replace a mother.  Especially when she’s clinging to your trouser legs and begging you not to leave her to go off to work/university/school/any place she can’t be with you.

In an ideal world, husbands would always be wrong and my children would still need me.  I hope Father Christmas can sort that out this year.  Failing that, I’ll have to undercook the turkey – nothing says ‘I need you, Mummy,’ like food poisoning.  

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The legal stuff:  The first two images are of Ideal World and the transmission belongs to them.

The kid in the red suit and scruffy shoes is mine.  

 

Joke 635

18 Dec
wants to be a dentist

wants to be a dentist (Photo credit: istolethetv)

A guy goes into his dentist’s office just before Christmas, because something is wrong with his mouth. After a brief examination, the dentist exclaims, “Holy Smoke! That plate I installed in your mouth about six months ago has nearly completely corroded! What on earth have you been eating?”

“Well…the only thing I can think of is this…my wife made me some asparagus about four months ago with this stuff on it…Hollandaise sauce she called it…and doctor, I’m talkin’ DELICIOUS! I’ve never tasted anything like it, and ever since then I’ve been putting it on everything…meat, fish, toast, vegetables…you name it!”

“That’s probably it,” replied the dentist. “Hollandaise sauce is made with lemon juice, which is acidic and highly corrosive. I’ll have to install a new plate, but made out of chrome this time.”

“Why chrome?” the man asked.

“Well, everyone knows that there’s no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!”

From dezert-rose.com.

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