Tag Archives: Advice

Joke 806

7 Jun

advice columns

Image taken from Answer It’s blog.

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Flight Attendant’s Announcement:

Please decide what you will be doing before you enter the lavatory, as once you enter there is no turning around.

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If at first you don’t succeed, don’t try skydiving.

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Jokes from familyfriendjokes.com

 

 

 

Joke 526

31 Aug

 

From Will & Guy.

Advice For Women

Torso di Barbie

Torso di Barbie (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

  • Aspire to be Barbie.  That girl has everything.
  • If the shoe fits, buy them in every colour.
  • Take life with a pinch of salt.  A wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila.
  • Go on the 30 day diet.  I’m on it and so far I’ve lost 15 days.
  • When life gets you down, put on your big girl panties and deal with it.
  • Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just your personality.
  • Don’t get your knickers in a knot.  It solves nothing and makes you walk funny.
  • When life gives you lemons, turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka.
  • Remember: wherever there is a good-looking, sweet, single man – there is probably some woman tired of his behaviour.
  • Keep your chin up: only the first 40 years of parenthood are the hardest.
  • If it has tyres or testicles, it’s going to give you trouble.
  • By the time a women realizes her mother was right, she has a daughter who thinks she’s wrong.

 

Joke 356

14 Mar
English: Badgemore Park Golf Club This is one ...

Image via Wikipedia

Dear Abby,

I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice.  I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs – if the home phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she hides her phone…that sort of thing.

My wife has been going out with ‘the girls’ a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, ‘Just some friends from work, you don’t know them.’ I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn’t want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with ‘the girls’. It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the golf shop where I bought it?

Thanks, Jim

A Housewife’s Work Is Never Done; That Must Be Why We Don’t Get Paid

14 Feb
1957 - Ouch!

Image by clotho98 via Flickr

If you could go back in time and have a 5 minute conversation with yourself ten years ago, what would you say?

‘Don’t wait to get a degree before applying for jobs.  Trust me: it will only help if you’re already in work.  And think again before eating every Malteser on the planet: a billion past the lips means inches on the hips…heart disease…diabetes…a crane hoist.’

Why is it only work if it’s paid?  Cooking and cleaning and tidying and child care and child minding and child ferrying about from school to club to friends’ to doctor/dentist/hospital, the decorating, the shopping, the clearing out, the nursing, the ironing, all of it: why is it ‘work’ if I pay someone else to do it; but not if I do it myself?  The twenty years I’ve spent looking after my family and all the volunteer work, is not really ‘work’ because I never thought to ask for payment.  Silly me.

According to a study in 2008, I should be on £30,000 a year for my ‘nine-hour days’ (nine hours – I wish).  Okay, I might not quite make the regulation 71 minutes of cleaning and tidying – or even 7.1 minutes, if I’m honest – and if a chambermaid takes fourteen minutes to make a bed then I should be on a bonus for my 1.4 minutes per bed (mine; the kids make their own); but I should be good for at least £25,000.

I don’t mind that I don’t get paid for it (that’s why God gave me kisses from my children, after all); I mind that it’s not considered work.

It doesn’t matter anyway, because I don’t need a degree for the job I really want: this one, advertised on the Arts Council’s website.  Imagine the look of consternation on the face of everyone who ever asked me what I do for a living, and I could reply: Freelance Didgeridoo Artist.

If I’m going to make that happen I’d better get back to my carpentry; the roof extension won’t build itself.

The Wackiest But Most Useful Advice I’ve Ever Received.

15 Jan
I am lovely crocodile!!

Image by Thai Jasmine (Keep Smiling.g..g.g :-)) via Flickr

What a shame!  I’ve already blogged on postaday2011’s prompt over on sapoems, just a few days ago.  If you didn’t read it, here’s the link.

What is the wackiest but most useful advice you’ve ever received, Laughing Housewife? I hear you ask.

My reply? How not to be eaten by a crocodile. 

You weren’t interested at first, but you’re itching to check it out now, aren’t you?

I imagine that even if you only need to use that advice once in your life, you’ll be glad to know it.  It’s why I’ve never forgotten it.

The other piece of advice I’ve never forgotten, which isn’t wacky but has saved me a lifetime of housework and is therefore worth passing on: don’t put it down; put it away.

If you can bludgeon your family into following it as well, you’ll be my fan for life.

Six-Word Memoirs

22 Aug

This was a fun exercise, found here (via Vivinfrance; thanks Viv). Take the same headings as mine and write a six-word memoir for each one. You can be as honest or as vague as you like.


Best Advice Given Or Gotten:

Don’t put it down, but away.

Milestone Birthdays:

Eighteen: my parents set me free.
Forty: my age set me free.

Holiday Traditions:

Tree up together; tree down: mother.
Everybody’s home; everybody eats; everybody laughs.

A Memorable Meal:

The Spur: Christmas Dinner. Steak sucks.

Siblings:

Two brothers; one older; one younger.

Cheating Death:

Eldest Child: Pool. Slip. Alert friend.
Youngest Child: biltong: slap: sore back.

The Trip That Changed My Life:

First flight to South Africa. Sigh.

What A Child Taught Me:

We’re polite to strangers, not family.

Revenge Is Sweet:

But it belongs to the Lord.

The Worst Mistake I’ve Ever Made:

Paid ten cents: saw modern art.

Met Very Young:

My husband; our marriage matured us.

Growing Old Together:

We’re grey, cuddly and in love.

My Life Overall:

Has been happier than many another.

 

 

 

 

 


 

 

 

 

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