Tag Archives: Age

Joke 714

7 Mar

Recently, I was diagnosed with AAADD – Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

An animated cartoon of a person table wrestling

An animated cartoon of a person table wrestling (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This is how it manifests itself:

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.  I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the rubbish bin under the table, and notice that the bin is full.  I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the rubbish first.

But then I think, since I’m going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.  I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only one cheque left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of coke that I had been drinking.

Age Gets Better With Wine

Age Gets Better With Wine (Photo credit: Jill Clardy)

I’m going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the coke aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over. I see that the coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye: they need to be watered.  I place the coke down on the work surface, and I discover my reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning.  I decide I’d better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the work top, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone has left it on the kitchen table.  I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the lounge where it belongs, but first I’ll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall, trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
* The car isn’t washed
* The bills aren’t paid
* There is a warm can of coke sitting on the work surface
* The flowers don’t have enough water
* There is still only one cheque in my cheque book
* I can’t find the remote
* I can’t find my glasses and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I’m really tired. I realise this is a serious problem, and I decide I’ll search online to see if I can get some help for it, but first I’ll check my e-mail.

I just remembered: I left the water running.

*

*

From Will & Guy

Joke 357

15 Mar

Français : cépage Pinot noir en Bourgogne, à S...

Image via Wikipedia

Thanks to my friend Jayne for this one. 

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new  hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected  to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the  bathroom during the night.

The new  wine will be marketed as Pino More.

I Speak Truth: Don’t Trust Me

13 Feb

Have you ever lied about your age? Why?

I have never lied about my age.  I never saw the point.  I have always looked younger than I am: a pain at eighteen when I was the oldest in our group but the only one who had to show i.d. to get into a disco; not such a bother now.

How old do you think I am here?

Oscar Wilde once said:

One should never trust a woman who tells one her real age. A woman who would tell one that would tell one anything.

Those of you who’ve been reading my blog for a while know that Oscar is probably right.

 

A Denture Adventure

3 Feb

A Denture Adventure

 

A juvenile reaction

to a baby tooth extraction: 

Yeah!

£2!

(Inflation)

 

A middle-aged reaction

to a wisdom tooth extraction:

 Quake

Quiver

Sob

Shiver

Cry

Weep

Pills

Sleep

Moan

Complain

Groan

Pain

 

An elderly reaction

to a last-ever extraction:

 Sigh

  Slurp

  Burp

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