Joke 931

Killing Joke (2003 album) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A distraught older woman [about my age] is looking at herself in the mirror and crying. Her voice shakes as she says to her husband, “I’m so old. I’m so fat. I look horrible. I really need a compliment.”

Her husband, determined to quickly give his beloved the comfort she needs, exclaims, “Damn, you have good eyesight!” 

*

From ajokeaday.com

Joke 895

Why Seniors still need newspapers:

I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

“This is the 21st century, Dad,” she said. “We don’t waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad.”

I can tell you this…that fly never knew what hit him.

*

Thanks to my friend Bluebee

Watch out old people!! (Photo credit: Calamity Meg)

for this one.

***

A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to one local hospital and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients’ bedsides.

When he finished he said, in farewell, “I hope you get better.”

One elderly gentleman replied, “I hope you get better, too.”

*

From desicomments.com

Joke 879

Modern art, or absent-mindedness? (Photo credit: Wrayson)

I think I may have posted a few of these before but some of them are new and all of them are funny.

Points To Ponder As You Get Older

• If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
• A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.
• A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while a tortoise doesn’t run and does nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.
• Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
• I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
• My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and All Bran.
• I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
• Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
• Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
• If all is not lost, then where the heck is it ?
• It was a whole lot easier to get older than to get wiser.
• I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few of them.
• Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
• Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
• It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
• The world only beats a path to your door when you’re in the bathroom.
• If God wanted me to touch my toes, he’d have put them on my knees.
• When I’m finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
• It’s not hard to meet expenses . . .they’re everywhere.
• The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
• These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. . .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I’m here after.
• Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.

*

From Fropki.com

Joke 854

Oh Noes! I’m Getting OLD! (Photo credit: amalthya)

 

 

 

Two old men were sitting in the yard outside their care home one day.   Tim turned to Tom and said, “Tom, I’m really feeling my age today.  I just hurt all over. How are you feeling?”

 

Tom replied, “I feel just like a new born babe.”

 

Tim looked at him, startled. “A new born babe? Really?”

 

“Yep. I have no hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.” 

 

*

 

From ajokeaday.com

 

Joke 794

What I’ve Learned As I Have Aged

• I’ve learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
• I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
• I’ve learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.
• I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others – they are more screwed up than you think.
• I’ve learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.
• I’ve learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you’re finished.
• I’ve learned to not sweat the petty things, and not to pet the sweaty things.
• I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
• I’ve learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
• I’ve learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

From Will & Guy

Joke 743

On Growing and Being Old

I confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.  She turned to me and asked, ‘Are you having it catered?’

*

Just before the funeral service, the undertaker asked the elderly widow, ‘How old was your husband?’

’98,’ she replied; ‘two years older than me.’

‘So you’re 96,’ the undertaker commented.

She responded, ‘Hardly worth going home, is it?’

Age Gets Better With Wine (Photo credit: Jill Clardy)

*

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: ‘And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?’

The woman replied, ‘No peer pressure.’

*

I’ve sure gotten old!  I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.  I’m half blind, can’t hear anything  quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. I have poor circulation and can hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.  I can’t remember how many years it’s been since my 85th birthday.  But thank goodness, I still have my driver’s licence.

*

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.  I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.  I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.  But by the time I got my leotard on, the class was over.

*

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.  First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

‘Wal-Mart?’ the preacher exclaimed.  ‘Why Wal-Mart?’

‘Then I’ll be sure my daughters will visit me twice a week.’

*

My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.

Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.

Want to know how to prevent sagging?

Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

*

It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

*

THE SENILITY PRAYER

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Thanks to Granny1947 for forwarding this email doing the rounds.

Joke 714

Recently, I was diagnosed with AAADD – Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

An animated cartoon of a person table wrestling (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This is how it manifests itself:

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.  I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the rubbish bin under the table, and notice that the bin is full.  I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the rubbish first.

But then I think, since I’m going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.  I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only one cheque left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of coke that I had been drinking.

Age Gets Better With Wine (Photo credit: Jill Clardy)

I’m going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the coke aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over. I see that the coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye: they need to be watered.  I place the coke down on the work surface, and I discover my reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning.  I decide I’d better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the work top, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone has left it on the kitchen table.  I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the lounge where it belongs, but first I’ll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall, trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
* The car isn’t washed
* The bills aren’t paid
* There is a warm can of coke sitting on the work surface
* The flowers don’t have enough water
* There is still only one cheque in my cheque book
* I can’t find the remote
* I can’t find my glasses and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I’m really tired. I realise this is a serious problem, and I decide I’ll search online to see if I can get some help for it, but first I’ll check my e-mail.

I just remembered: I left the water running.

*

*

From Will & Guy

Joke 679

Main complications of persistent high blood pressure. Sources are found in main article: Wikipedia:Hypertension#Complications. To discuss image, please see Template_talk:Häggström diagrams. To edit, please use the svg version, convert to png and update both versions online. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

At a nursing home, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains. 

“My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee,” said one. 

“I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can’t even see my coffee,” replied another. 

“I can’t turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,” said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement. 

“My blood pressure pills make me dizzy,” another contributed. 

“I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old,” winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. 

There was a short moment of silence. 

“Well, it’s not that bad,” said one woman cheerfully. “At least we can all still drive.”

*

From ahajokes.

Now That The Festive Season Is Over…

…I am enjoying the restive season

My middle-aged bones are not what they were.  I could once prepare for Christmas throughout the whole of December, look after a big house and a small family, host as many as twenty-two people for Christmas Dinner and four grandparents for a week, throw in a New Year’s Eve party with guests sleeping in the lounge, bakkie and their own tent in our large garden, manage the cooking, cleaning and washing, and still wear make up and a big smile at the end of it.

Now, five of us for Christmas Dinner and my legs ache, my back creaks, my tired body slept until nine this morning and make up?  Forget it.  The Hub knows what I look like with a naked face.  If he doesn’t like it, he can hobble through the door.

Roll on grandkids, when my sons can start hosting Christmas.

PS That NYE party when guests camped in our garden?  They woke on New Year’s Day to find their tent smothering them.  Our Doberman had chewed through the ropes in the night.

English: Christmas is over 2 It must have been some kind of party in Gillingham around New Year’s Eve 2010. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

For more Six Word Saturdays go here.

Joke 528

Another joke from Cliff.

60KM/H Speed limit sign in Australia. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The Perks Of Old Age

*

• In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.
• No one expects you to run.  Anywhere.
• People call at 9 (a.m. or p.m.) and ask,  ‘Did I wake you?’
• People no longer view you as a  hypochondriac.
• There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
• Things you buy now won’t wear out.
• You can eat supper at 4p.m.
• You can live without sex (but not your glasses).
• You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
• You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
• You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
• You sing along with elevator music.
• Your eyes won’t get much worse.
• Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
• Your joints are more  accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
• Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
• Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
• You won’t remember who sent you this list. 

ONE IMPORTANT THING: 

NEVER, NEVER, NEVER,  under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Joke 220

Thanks to Beeblu for this one.  It’s one of my favourites so far.

A group of girlfriends, aged 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch.  Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there were handsome, with tight pants and nice bums. 

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch.  Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food was good and the wine selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch.  Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could dine in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean. 

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.  Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had an elevator. 

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.  Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before. 

Joke 213

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang.

Picking up, he heard his wife, her voice high with anxiety, warn him, “Henry, I just saw on the news that there’s a car driving the wrong way on Highway 880. Please be careful!”

“One?” replied Henry, “You’ve got to be kidding me. I see at least a hundred!”

*

Thanks to Patti for this cartoon:

Joke 202

Thanks to Siggie of Maine for this one.

OLD IS WHEN…
Your sweetie says, ‘Let’s go upstairs and make love,’ and you answer, ‘ Pick one; I can’t do both.’

OLD IS WHEN…
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.

OLD IS WHEN…
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

OLD IS WHEN…
You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.

OLD IS WHEN…
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of the police.

OLD IS WHEN…
‘Getting a little action’ means you don’t need to take any fibre today.

OLD IS WHEN…
‘Getting lucky’ means you find your car in the parking lot.

OLD IS WHEN…
An ‘all-nighter’ means not getting up to use the bathroom.

OLD IS WHEN…
You are not sure if these are jokes or facts.

Joke 195

Thanks To Cindy for this one.

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR… 

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it  in for a newer model. I’ve got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a  little dull.  But that’s not the worst  of it. 

My headlights are out of focus and it’s especially hard to see things up  close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here’s the worst of it: almost every time I  sneeze, cough or sputter, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires.

Joke 184

This is from Michelle in South Africa.

Why the old are rich:

Silver in the hair
Gold in the teeth
Crystals in the kidneys
Sugar in the blood
Lead in the ass
Iron in the arteries
And an inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas.