Tag Archives: Aging

Joke 854

25 Jul
Oh Noes! I'm Getting OLD!

Oh Noes! I’m Getting OLD! (Photo credit: amalthya)

 

 

 

Two old men were sitting in the yard outside their care home one day.   Tim turned to Tom and said, “Tom, I’m really feeling my age today.  I just hurt all over. How are you feeling?”

 

Tom replied, “I feel just like a new born babe.”

 

Tim looked at him, startled. “A new born babe? Really?”

 

“Yep. I have no hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.” 

 

*

 

From ajokeaday.com

 

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Joke 794

26 May

What I’ve Learned As I Have Aged

  • I’ve learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
  • I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
  • I’ve learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.
  • I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others – they are more screwed up than you think.
  • I’ve learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.
  • I’ve learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you’re finished.
  • I’ve learned to not sweat the petty things, and not to pet the sweaty things.
  • I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
  • I’ve learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
  • I’ve learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

From Will & Guy

Joke 714

7 Mar

Recently, I was diagnosed with AAADD – Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

An animated cartoon of a person table wrestling

An animated cartoon of a person table wrestling (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This is how it manifests itself:

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.  I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the rubbish bin under the table, and notice that the bin is full.  I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the rubbish first.

But then I think, since I’m going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.  I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only one cheque left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of coke that I had been drinking.

Age Gets Better With Wine

Age Gets Better With Wine (Photo credit: Jill Clardy)

I’m going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the coke aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over. I see that the coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye: they need to be watered.  I place the coke down on the work surface, and I discover my reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning.  I decide I’d better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the work top, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone has left it on the kitchen table.  I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the lounge where it belongs, but first I’ll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall, trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
* The car isn’t washed
* The bills aren’t paid
* There is a warm can of coke sitting on the work surface
* The flowers don’t have enough water
* There is still only one cheque in my cheque book
* I can’t find the remote
* I can’t find my glasses and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I’m really tired. I realise this is a serious problem, and I decide I’ll search online to see if I can get some help for it, but first I’ll check my e-mail.

I just remembered: I left the water running.

*

*

From Will & Guy

Joke 679

31 Jan
English: Main complications of persistent high...

Main complications of persistent high blood pressure. Sources are found in main article: Wikipedia:Hypertension#Complications. To discuss image, please see Template_talk:Häggström diagrams. To edit, please use the svg version, convert to png and update both versions online. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

At a nursing home, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains. 

“My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee,” said one. 

“I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can’t even see my coffee,” replied another. 

“I can’t turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,” said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement. 

“My blood pressure pills make me dizzy,” another contributed. 

“I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old,” winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. 

There was a short moment of silence. 

“Well, it’s not that bad,” said one woman cheerfully. “At least we can all still drive.”

*

From ahajokes.

Joke 528

2 Sep
Another joke from Cliff.

60KM/H Speed limit sign in Australia.

60KM/H Speed limit sign in Australia. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The Perks Of Old Age
*
  • In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.
  • No one expects you to run.  Anywhere.
  • People call at 9 (a.m. or p.m.) and ask,  ‘Did I wake you?’
  • People no longer view you as a  hypochondriac.
  • There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
  • Things you buy now won’t wear out.
  • You can eat supper at 4p.m.
  • You can live without sex (but not your glasses).
  • You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
  • You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
  • You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
  • You sing along with elevator music.
  • Your eyes won’t get much worse.
  • Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
  • Your joints are more  accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
  • Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
  • Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
  • You won’t remember who sent you this list. 

ONE IMPORTANT THING: 

NEVER, NEVER, NEVER,  under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Joke 453

19 Jun

 

English: Symbol for a restaurant

English: Symbol for a restaurant (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Grannymar let me steal this one.

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, ‘Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.  I would recommend it very highly.’

The other man said, ‘What’s the name of the restaurant?’

The first man thought and thought and finally said, ‘What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?  You know…the one that’s red and has thorns?’

‘Do you mean a rose?’

‘Yes, that’s the one,’ replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, ‘Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?’

*

Joke 220

30 Oct

Thanks to Beeblu for this one.  It’s one of my favourites so far.

A group of girlfriends, aged 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch.  Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there were handsome, with tight pants and nice bums. 

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch.  Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food was good and the wine selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch.  Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could dine in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean. 

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.  Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had an elevator. 

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.  Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before. 

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