Tag Archives: Airplane

Joke 749

11 Apr

Here are the last few from flyingjokes.  I’m glad you seem to have enjoyed them!  There are more if you want to read them, but you’ll have to visit the site because they are too rude for this blog.

I was a Pan Am 727 Flight Engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich, Germany. I was listening to the radio since I was the  junior crew member.  This was the conversation I overheard:

Lufthansa (In German):  “Ground, what is our start clearance time?”

Ground (In English):  “If you want an answer you must speak English.”

Lufthansa (In English):  “I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak  English?”

Beautiful English Accent (before Ground could answer):  “Because you lost the bloody war!”

More from our “Don’t get wise with us” file:

A United Airlines 747 captain tries to make light banter with Sydney, Australia, Approach Control …

Captain: “Good morning, Sydney, this is United XXX, we’re 50 miles out and have your island in sight …”

Approach: “Roger, United … you’re cleared to circle the island twice, then it’s okay to land.”

Once upon a time BA and Virgin decided to have a boat race on the Thames. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach peak performance. On the big day they were as ready as could be and Virgin won by a length. BA were discouraged and senior management set up a project to investigate the problem. Its conclusion was that the Virgin team had 8 people rowing and one person steering. The BA team had one person rowing and eight people steering. Senior management immediately hired consultants to study team performance. Millions of pounds were spent and several months later they concluded that there were too many people steering and not enough rowing. The following year the team structure was changed to 4 steering managers, 3 senior steering managers and one executive steering manager. A performance/appraisal system was set up to give the rower more incentive to work harder and become a key performer. They concluded he must be given empowerment and enrichment. The next year the big day arrived and Virgin duly won. BA laid off the rower for poor performance, sold off the paddles, cancelled capital investment and halted development of the new boat. Then they gave high performance awards to the consultants and distributed the money saved among senior management.


Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud said, “Man, I wish we had something to drink!”

Jim says, “Me too. Y’know, I’ve heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?” So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.

The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels, in fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then The phone rings… It’s Jim.

Jim says, “Hey, how do you feel this morning?”

Bud says, “I feel great. How about you?”

Jim says, “I feel great, too. You don’t have a hangover?”

Bud says, “No, that jet fuel is great stuff – no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.”

“Yeah, well there’s just one thing…”

“What’s that?”

“Have you farted yet?”

“No…”

“Well, DON’T, ’cause I’m in PHOENIX!

 

 

Joke 747

9 Apr

From flyingjokes.  I knew there was a reason I don’t like flying…

Snakes on a Plane! (The Cake)

Snakes on a Plane! (The Cake) (Photo credit: bzibble)

Basic Flying Rules:

1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.
2. Do not go near the edges of it.
3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.

*

LH741: “Tower, give me a rough time-check!”
Tower: “It’s Tuesday, Sir.”

*

A young and stupid pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies.  He was approaching a field during the night time.  Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: “Guess who?”

The controller switched the field lights off and replied: “Guess where!”

*

Ground Control: “123DG, bear to the left, disabled aircraft on the right.”

Pilot: “123DG, Roger, I have the disabled aircraft in sight, but I don’t see the bear yet.”

*

On a very quiet night:

Pilot: “Fark I’m bored”
Tower: “Would the aircraft reporting boredom please identify yourself”
Pilot: “I said I was farking bored, not farking stupid.”

*

beware low flying planes

beware low flying planes (Photo credit: badjonni)

Tower: You have traffic at 10 o’clock, 6 miles!

Pilot: Give us another hint, we have digital watches!

*

Eggenfelden Info: D-EXXX please report persons aboard.

D-EXXX (C-172): Pilot and two pax and one dog.

Eggenfelden Info (after Cessna finally bounced to stop):  Assume the Pilot in Command was the dog ?

*

Pilot: “…Tower, please call me a fuel truck.”

Tower: “Roger. You are a fuel truck.”

*

Unknown landing signal officer to carrier pilot after his 6th unsuccessful landing: You’ve got to land here, son. This is where the food is.

Joke 727

20 Mar
Etch-A-Sketch Airplane

Etch-A-Sketch Airplane (Photo credit: Eliya)

An airliner flew into a violent thunderstorm and was soon swaying and bumping around the sky.

One very nervous lady happened to be sitting next to a clergyman and turned to him. “Can’t you do something?” she demanded angrily.

“I’m sorry ma’am,” the reverend said gently, “I’m in sales, not management.”

From Desicomments.com

 

Joke 707

28 Feb
Flying Cow Airplane

Flying Cow Airplane (Photo credit: kfergos)

As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.

When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. “Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?” she asked. 

“No, thanks,” replied the vultures.

“They’re carrion.” 

*

From ahajokes.

 

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