Joke 823

An old joke from America.

Never, ever, think outside the box (Photo credit: Mrs eNil)

For a couple years I’ve been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I’m tired because I’m overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million.

104 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.

And you’re sitting at your computer reading jokes.

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From ajokeaday.com

 

Joke 677

You know you are addicted to your computer

Computer addiction starts at a young age (Photo credit: seanabrady)

when… 

· You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved, and you don’t have a clue when it happened. 

· Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like. 

· All of your friends have an @ in their names. 

· Your dog has its own home page. 

· You can’t call your mother; she doesn’t have a modem. 

· You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed. 

· You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse. 

· You get a new suit that says, “This best viewed with Netscape 4.01 or higher.” 

· The last girl you asked out was only a jpeg. 

· Your wife says communication is important in a marriage…you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.  

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From ajokeaday.com

Joke 674

Two barber shops were in red-hot competition.

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

One put up a sign advertising haircuts for 7-dollars.

His competitor put up one that read, “We repair 7-dollar hair cuts.”

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From ajokeaday.com

 

Joke 10

A businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted.

His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall, cool drink and a comforting word. “My, you look tired,” she said. “You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?”

“It was terrible,” her husband shuddered. “The computer broke down and we all had to do our own thinking.”

Joke 8

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, “Pull, Nellie, pull!” Buddy didn’t move.

Then the farmer hollered, “Pull, Buster, pull!” Buddy didn’t respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, “Pull, Coco, pull!” Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, “Pull, Buddy, pull!” And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, “Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn’t even try!”

I guess this is proof you can lead a horse to motors, but you can’t make him think.

Joke 6

One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where he meets the Lord Himself.

The Lord says to the cat, “You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know.”

The cat thinks for a moment and says, “Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor.”

The Lord stops the cat and says, “Say no more,” and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to heaven.

Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.

The mice answer, “All our lives we have been chased.

We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms.

Running, running, running; we’re tired of running.

Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don’t have to run anymore?”

The Lord says, “Say no more” and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.

Weeks later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow.

The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, “How are things since you got here?”

The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, “It is wonderful here.

Better than I could have ever expected. And those ‘Meals On Wheels’ you’ve been sending by are the best!”

 

Joke 5

Son: Dad, would you do my maths homework for me?

Dad: No, son, it wouldn’t be right.

Son: Well, at least you could try.

 

Joke 4

The Hub sat down and stared hard at our marriage certificate.  After a long time I asked, ‘What are you looking for?’  He replied, ‘The expiration date.’

Joke 3

Image via Wikipedia

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.  ‘Give me your money,’ he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, ‘You can’t do this – I am a United States congressman!’  ‘In that case,’ said the mugger, ‘Give me MY money.’

Joke 2

After the christening of his baby brother in church, a boy sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.  His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, ‘That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, but I want to stay with you guys.’

 

Joke 1

Image via Wikipedia

I figure you can never laugh too much (except at funerals) so I’m going to post a joke every day for the next 1001 days.  I’d better warn you now: on the whole, these will not be great jokes.  They will be excruciating, wince-making, pun-aching jokes that I have grabbed off the internet.  I don’t have the joke-composing gene so what else can I do but steal somebody else’s? 

From http://www.ajokeaday.com/

In a grammar lesson in eighth grade Mrs. O’Neill said, “Paul, give me a sentence with a direct object.”

Paul replied. “Everyone thinks you are the best teacher in the school.”

“Thank you, Paul,” responded Mrs. O’Neill, “but what is the object?”

“To get the best mark possible,” said Paul.

 

 

Too Good To Keep To Myself

Image via Wikipedia

I got these from ajokeaday.com but I’ve seen them doing the email rounds.  As, to judge from the reaction to my previous post, I’ll be going to court myself soon, to fight internment, I thought they were apposite.

Enjoy!

They are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters – who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were taking place.

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Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July 15th.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

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Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

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Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?

A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

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 Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

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Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

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Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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