Joke 556

 

Thanks to Charlie at Read Between The Minds for this one.  And to Australians, for their great sense of humour.

These were posted on an Australian tourism website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia?  I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).

Location map of Australia Equirectangular projection, N/S stretching 110 %. Geographic limits of the map: N: 9.0° S S: 44.5° S W: 111.5° E E: 155.0° E (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia?  Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? ( USA)

A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle-shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not…Oh forget it.  Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross.  Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees.  Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? (UK)

A: Why?  Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is…Oh forget it.  Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races.  Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? (UK)

A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.  Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.  All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so-called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.  You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.  Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? (France)

A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first.

 

Joke 554

This was sent to me by my friend Pam.

Charles and Diana’s wedding commemorated on a 1981 British Crown (25 pence). (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

1981 & 2005: Two Interesting Years

1981 

• Prince Charles got married
• Liverpool crowned football Champions of Europe
• Australia lost the Ashes
• The Pope died

2005 

• Prince Charles got married
• Liverpool crowned football Champions of Europe
• Australia lost the Ashes
• The Pope died

Lesson to be learned:

The next time Prince Charles gets married, someone should warn the Pope.

Many Happies, Barb!

Image via Wikipedia

Apologies if you received a gobbledygook email from me today; I’m a technept, and things can get out of control if I take my eyes off the keyboard long enough to finish my Christmas Maltesers.

It was the earliest draft of a birthday post for Barb19, who is Passionate About Pets.  Early, but late; because Barb lives in Australia and I always get my time zones confused, so it was going out late in my day because that was early in her day when I was working back to front but then I remembered Sydney celebrates New Year before London and now it kind of is early in her day because she’s probably asleep because her day starts and finishes before my day so, even if she reads it now, she’ll be reading it tomorrow because my present is her future which is cheaper for me, because I usually give gift vouchers.

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Belated Birthday Wishes For Barb

Barb loves pets and plants, she says;
She writes about their funny ways:
Poppy the dog isn’t stroppy –
In fact, she’s incredibly happy
Living out her many dog days
In the great Australian haze.

Barb feels the same and there’s no shame
(With a good man at your side) in being a birthday bride.

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Happy Birthday and Happy 46th Anniversary, Barb!

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If you would like a nonsense birthday post, leave the date and a few details in the comments below.

 

The Twilight Zone

Is there anybody there...?

I have had an odd few days; strange things keep happening, whether it’s the phone activating itself, or opening the fridge to find the Titanic hitting an iceberg.  Okay, I can explain that last one: the Hub drew a picture of a cruise ship on a lettuce packet for a joke; but the rest of the things are weird.

I told you I accidentally locked the dog in the kitchen.  I’m not now convinced that I did because I was certain I left it ajar, and only took the blame because I was the last person in the kitchen before we went out that day.  I wouldn’t have thought any more of it if it wasn’t for the other strange incidents.  Let me explain:

We came home the other night at 10:20 (the day anyone/anything but me locked the dog in the kitchen), having collected Spud from a party.  At 10:40 I saw the phone light flashing to say it was in use; I checked it but there was no-one on the line.  The phone showed a time elapsed of 34 minutes, which means the call started at 10:06 – when the house was empty. 

I woke up on Sunday morning to find my wristwatch on my bedside table: I wear it in bed and never take it off.  The Hub swears it wasn’t him. 

I found coffee splashes on clean dishes in my cupboard – the Hub is the only one who drinks coffee but he never drinks it inside kitchen cupboards, not being small or agile enough to curl up in them. 

Just as I was beginning to think the Hub was playing tricks on me, I dreamt, one night over the weekend, that we caught a rat and ate it for dinner.  Next morning I woke to the news that some of the I’m A Celebrity contestants were to be prosecuted by the Australian authorities for catching and eating a rat.  Unless the Hub was whispering the story in my ears while I was sleeping, I don’t think he can be blamed for that one. 

And he definitely can’t be blamed for this morning: my Little Brother phoned (not odd in itself; we speak once a week).   I was surprised because I spoke to him on Saturday morning and it’s only Tuesday.  In fact, he was a little off with me that day, and I wondered if he was phoning to make amends.  When I mentioned my surprise, he mentioned his surprise because he swears we haven’t spoken since his birthday, ten days ago.  Yet I distinctly remember Saturday’s conversation. 

I’d like to blame my husband, because that’s what they’re for, but I really can’t.  Tell me, am I demented, stressed, hallucinating, psychic or haunted?  I have always been a bit of a normal Norman and this is freaking me out a little.  It is sterling work by who/whatever is doing it to me.  I can’t see the wood for the forest: please, someone, offer me a ray of light.  Tell me I’m going to wake up back where I belong, on the Enterprise.