Tag Archives: Bartender

Joke 960

8 Nov
Drinking on the Job

Drinking on the Job (Photo credit: Lulu Hoeller)

A man goes into a pub, takes a seat at the bar, and orders five shots. The bartender gives him an odd look since he’s all by himself, but he serves up the five shots and lines them up on the bar.

The man downs them all quickly. He finishes the last one and calls out, “Four shots, please!” The bartender serves up four shots and lines them on the bar.

The man downs them all. Then he belches loudly, sways slightly on the stool, and orders three. And one after the other, he knocks them back.

“Two shots!” he calls, and the bartender places two shots in front of him. Down they go. As the man slams the last one down on the bar, he says, “One shot bartender.” So the bartender fills the glass.

The man sits there, staring at it for a moment, trying to focus. Then he looks at the barman and says, “You know, it’s a funny thing, but the less I drink, the drunker I get.” 

 

Joke 922

1 Oct
Vampire Cat

Vampire Cat (Photo credit: moofie)

Three vampires walk into a bar.

“What can I get you?” asks the bartender.

“Blood,” orders the first vampire.

“Make it two,” says the second.

The bartender looks at the third. “What about you, buddy?”

“Plasma,” says the vampire.

“Okay,” replies the barman. “Let me make sure I’ve got this straight. Two bloods and a blood light.”

*

From Inspirational Otter

 

Joke 809

10 Jun
What a funny sign this is!

What a funny sign this is! (Photo credit: Gene Hunt)

A dog walks into a bar and hops up on a stool.  

He looks the bartender in the eye and says, “Hey, guess what? I can talk. Have you ever seen a talking dog before? How about a drink?”

The bartender thinks for a moment and says, “Sure, the toilet’s right around the corner.”

*

From jokes.com

 

Joke 721

14 Mar
Two horses walk into a bar....

Two horses walk into a bar…. (Photo credit: akahodag)

E-flat walks into a bar.

The bartender says, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve minors.’

*

A bartender walks into a church, a temple and a mosque.

He has no idea how jokes work.

*

From my Kindle 101 Best Jokes book.

 

Joke 675

27 Jan

A time-travelling Roman walks into a bar.

Lego Minifigures Series 6 Roman Soldier

Lego Minifigures Series 6 Roman Soldier (Photo credit: cbcd04)

The bartender says, “What’ll you have?”

The time-travelling Roman says, “I’ll have one Martinus, please.”

The bartender says, “You mean Martini?”

The Roman replies,“Oh, no, thank you; I think I’ll start with just one.”

*

Thanks to rarasaur for letting me use this one.

Joke 562

6 Oct

 

It is possible I have told this joke once:

A man walks into a bar carrying jumper cables.

The bartender says, “Hey! Don’t you try to start anything in here.”

Source: http://www.jokebuddha.com/Jumper#ixzz28FzMIiSb

OK Bartender

OK Bartender (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So here’s another, which I might also have told; I’m starting to lose track:

A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $9.00. “But I paid, don’t you remember?” says the customer.

“Okay,” says the bartender, “if you said you paid, you did.”

The man goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can’t keep track of whether his customers have paid.

The man he told rushes into the bar, orders a beer, and pulls the same stunt. The bartender replies, “If you say you paid, I’ll take your word for it.”

Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.  That man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs when, suddenly, the bartender leans over and says, “You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight.  Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did.  The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose.”

“Don’t bother me with your troubles,” the final patron responds.  “Just give me my change and I’ll be on my way.”

Source: http://www.jokes4us.com/

 

Joke 242

21 Nov

Three vampires walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them with suspicion, but decides to serve them anyway. “What’ll it be, boys?”

The first vampire says “Blood. Give me blood.”

The second vampire says “I too wish for blood!”

The third vampire says, “Give me plasma.”

The bartender smiles and says, “Got it. Two bloods, and a blood-light.”

 

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