The ‘Ahhhh!’ Factor

My friend Pam shared this on Facebook yesterday.  It’s not her cat, by the way.

 

Wind Me Up

Image by @Doug88888 via Flickr

Wind.  Cold.  Gale.  Frightening.

The Hub said walking in the park today was like lifting the covers when he gets into bed with me.

The weather reminds me of the Christmas Eve years ago when there was a gale and our six-foot-high garden fence blew down.  Our cat had followed the Hub out to help him investigate, when a gust blew her right across the street.  She ran off.

A couple of hours later the phone rang; the Hub answered it, chatted for a bit, then hung up.

‘Who was that?’ I asked.

‘The cat.  She just phoned to say she was in Birmingham.’

I didn’t believe him, of course: although I was unaware that he’d let her in earlier and she was snug in her basket, every body knows cats can’t use the telephone.  She’d have sent a letter.

Joke 179

A man hated his wife’s cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home. The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away and the same thing happened. He kept on increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept coming home before him.

At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there. 

Hours later, the man calls his wife at home and asked her, “Is the cat there?”

“Yes, why do you ask?” answered his wife.

The man replied, “Put him on the phone; I’m lost and I need directions.”   

  

Joke 110

What do you call a cat that cuts your grass?

A lawn meower.

Joke 96

How many cats can you put into an empty box?

Only one. After that, the box isn’t empty.

Joke 89

What do cats like to eat for breakfast?

Mice Krispies.

Joke 85

Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water?

He set a new lap record.

Joke 73

A slight change of style, but still a joke.

How to give a cat a pill.

1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

4. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws, ignore growls emitted by cat. Get partner to hold cat’s head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

5. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

6. Wrap cat in a large towel and get partner to lie on cat with cat’s head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat’s mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.

7. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take away the taste. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from the carpet with soap and water.

8. Tie the little angel’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining table. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat’s throat to wash down pill.

9. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to A&E, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from your eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order a new table.

10. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell.  Ring pet shop to see whether they have any hamsters.

Joke 6

One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where he meets the Lord Himself.

The Lord says to the cat, “You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know.”

The cat thinks for a moment and says, “Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor.”

The Lord stops the cat and says, “Say no more,” and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to heaven.

Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.

The mice answer, “All our lives we have been chased.

We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms.

Running, running, running; we’re tired of running.

Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don’t have to run anymore?”

The Lord says, “Say no more” and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.

Weeks later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow.

The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, “How are things since you got here?”

The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, “It is wonderful here.

Better than I could have ever expected. And those ‘Meals On Wheels’ you’ve been sending by are the best!”