Tag Archives: Cats

Cough, Cough

16 Jun

 

It’s my choir’s concert tonight.  We’re doing stuff from musicals, including a fantastic arrangement – by Ollie Mills, our choir director – of Cats.  His alto line for Memory is the most fun I’ve had singing anything, ever, not least because that’s the only bit in the whole show I can sing without mistake.

Don’t tell that to the audience.  I’m pretty sure Ollie and everyone around me already knows, but we still have some tickets available.

We had a rehearsal last night and I coughed all the way through it.  I have had a persistent cough for months, for which I’m now being treated because I finally dragged myself to the doctor after hearing a horror story from a friend about a friend of her friend’s who ignored a persistent cough, and things ended badly.  

Mine is nothing so dramatic; it’s probably a post-nasal drip.

I misspoke when I told my singing chauffeur (the lovely woman who gives me a lift to choir) about it, accidentally calling it a post-natal drip, and we giggled for an hour about me developing a twenty-one-year baby-related condition that wasn’t excess weight.

The cough is always worse after exercise: for example, from the walk to church on Sundays.  I hack through the first half of the service but I’ve noticed that it improves after communion, just from one sip of wine.  That thought brought on a brain wave – I’ll take alcohol with me tonight!  

Alex tells me alcohol is bad for the vocal chords, but we’re not talking great singing on my part; and I’m thinking, better no voice than Coughy McCoughy in the chorus, ruining the best bits.  You might suggest that I could, of course, nobly stand down and not be in the concert tonight; but I’ll thump you if you do.  I didn’t spend six months learning these songs (some of them, anyway; my first paragraph refers) only to sit sulking in the audience on my big night: yodelayee-yodelayee-yodelayeeNO!

I tested my theory when I got in from choir by supping a tot of rum and, yup, no cough after it.  I’m taking a small bottle with me, to sip throughout the concert. I’ll just have to be careful not to get drunk: no one wants to see a sozzled alto tottering around the stage, defending McCavity against the slurs on his character.

Although…if you do, tickets are a fiver.

 

Joke 949

28 Oct

Ask a dog to change a light bulb…

Funny Dog Door Mat

Funny Dog Door Mat (Photo credit: pberry)

  • Golden Retriever: The sun is shining the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
  • Border Collie: Just one?  And then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.
  • Dachshund: You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp!
  • Rottweiler: Make me.
  • Funny dog

    Funny dog (Photo credit: kattebelletje)

    Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

  • Labrador: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?  Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
  • German Shepherd: I’ll change it as soon as I’ve led these people from the dark, checked to make sure I haven’t missed any, and made just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
  • Jack Russell Terrier: I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls and furniture.
  • Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? What light bulb?  I can’t see anything.
  • Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still mess on the carpet in the dark.
  • Yorkshire Terrier: Sure; let me just bark and bark and bark at it first. Where’s my treat?
  • Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there…
  • Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?
  • Australian Shepherd: First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle…
  • Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it.  By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
A funny picture of a cat on streets in Riga, L...

A funny picture of a cat on streets in Riga, Latvia. Visit http://www.startlatvia.com for more information about Latvia. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The Cat’s Answer: ‘Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs.  

So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?’

Proving once again that, while dogs have masters, cats have staff.

*

From a jokeaday.com

Season Hiatus Filler

13 Mar
funny_cats_a_023

funny_cats_a_023 (Photo credit: DrJohnBullas)

Some of you might be finding the Telly Tales rather jejune, so here’s a little something to brighten your day:

I found it on Kittybloger.  If you like cats and, in particular, funny cats, it’s the blog for you.

*

Yesterday’s word was ‘irrefragable’: not be disputed or contested.

I think it’s a good word; don’t you?

funny_cats_a_013

funny_cats_a_013 (Photo credit: DrJohnBullas)

Joke 546

20 Sep

The jokes & quotes are from squarewheels.com.

  • “There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.” Anonymous
  • “Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.” Anonymous
  • “Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” Jeff Valdez
  • “In a cat’s eye, all things belong to cats.” English proverb
  • “As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat.” Ellen Perry Berkeley
  • “One cat just leads to another.”  Ernest Hemingway
  • “Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you.” Mary Bly
  • “Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.” Joseph Wood Krutch
  • “There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.” Anonymous
  • “Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well.” Missy Dizick
  • “Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.” Joseph Wood Krutch
  • “Cats aren’t clean, they’re just covered with cat spit.” John S. Nichols
  • “Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will p**s on your computer.” Bruce Graham

 

 

Joke 498

3 Aug

From ajokeaday.com.

cutest cat in town

cutest cat in town (Photo credit: Mr. Wright)

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars. 

The store owner replies “I’m sorry, but the cat isn’t for sale.” 

The collector says, “Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I’ll pay you twenty dollars for that cat.” 

And the owner says “Sold,” and hands over the cat. 

The collector continues, “Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat’s used to it and it’ll save me from having to get a dish.” 

The owner replies, “Sorry buddy, but that’s my lucky saucer. So far this week I’ve sold sixty-eight cats.” 

When Did Stockport Go Tropical?

19 Jan

First it was the loose cobra, then the kidnapped alligator and anaconda…now, Stockport has a wild cat on the roam.  Not a missing tabby or a feral kitten – ‘a large ‘mountain lion’ type animal’, seen in a local resident’s garden.  Read it here.

Experts dismiss it as a ‘melanistic savannah’.  No, I don’t know what that is, either, so I looked it up (hooray for free speech on the internet!).  Wikipedia tells me it:

 is a medium-sized African wild cat. DNA studies have shown that the serval is closely related to the African golden cat and the caracal.

I’m no wiser.  I guess free speech is overrated.

Here’s a picture of a serval from junglecats.com (quoting the source – better practice than just linking the picture to the original website: dull reading, but I hope it will keep me out of a yankee jail):

Doesn’t look meaner than any other cat, does it? 

I am reminded of my favourite cat quote.  I’ve shared it before, but cats have nine lives, and so do their quotes:

Cats were once worshipped as gods.  Cats have never forgotten this.

Wild cats on the loose in Stockport…I guess I should have stayed in South Africa; it’s probably safer there.  We emigrated from England to South Africa in 1982: first my Dad and younger brother; Mum and I followed six months later.  Mum was on the phone to Younger Brother just after he arrived:

Mum: So what’s it like?

YB: [Joking] Great!  I’m just watching the lions stroll down the street.

Mum: [Screams] [Incoherent babble about getting out of there now!] [Faints]

I could have that conversation with her today, from Widnes to Stockport, and it would be the same in its essentials.

Or maybe it would be me with the [Screams] [Incoherent babble] [Faints]: Mum’s been dead four years.

Joke 143

14 Aug

What does a cat like to eat on a hot day?

A mice cream cone.

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