Joke 695

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Quote…Unquote

• Never judge a book by its movie.   JW Eagan
• Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it. Cullen Hightower
• If you haven’t found something strange during the day, it hasn’t been much of a day. John A. Wheeler
• She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.  Groucho Marx
• My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.  Rodney Dangerfield
• Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.  Sue Murphy
• Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.  Doug Larson
• Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy.  Ernest Benn
• Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don’t need to be done.  Andy Rooney
• The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.  Alfred Hitchcock
• The government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.  Ronald Reagan
• There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.  Will Rogers
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  The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There’s also a negative side.  Hunter S. Thompson

From Will & Guy

Joke 663

Celebrity Gaffes

Stuart Pearce (Photo credit: rich_w)

• So, where’s the Cannes Film Festival being held this year?  Christina Aguilera
• Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.   David Acfield
• My friends, no matter how rough the road may be, we can and we will never, never, surrender to what is right.   Dan Quayle
• I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel. Stuart Pearce
• Do not needlessly endanger your lives until I give you the signal.   General Eisenhower
• Unfortunately, we keep kicking ourselves in the foot.   Ray Wilkins
• If I could drop dead right now, I’d be the happiest man alive.   Samuel Goldwyn
• For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip.   John Motson

From Will & Guy