Joke 535

Linea nigra dark midline streak on a 22 weeks pregnant female. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

From jokesabout.

Pregnancy Questions Part I

Q: Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
A: Yes, but you’ll have a better chance if he doesn’t wear anything at all.

Q: Can a woman get pregnant from a toilet seat?
A: Yes, but the baby would be funny looking.

Q: What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A: Have sex once a year.

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true?

A: The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.

Q: Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A: Yes, your bladder.

Q: What is a chastity belt?

A: A labour-saving device.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My blood type is O-positive and my husband’s is A-negative. What if my baby is born, say, type AB-positive?
A: Then the jig is up.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: ‘Cause you’re fatter than they are.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
A: So what’s your question?

Q: Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labour?
A: When the sex is between your husband and another woman.

Q: What’s the difference between a nine-months pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold?
A: Nothing, if the pregnant woman’s husband knows what’s good for him.

Q: How long is the average woman in labour?
A: Whatever she says, divided by two.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you’re pregnant.

Weekly Photo Challenge: Merge

 

I’m late with this one because the summer holiday weeks all merged into one.  

Rather like my children.

Take this photo:

I’m almost certain it is Spud because it’s taken from the left – my hospital bed was on the left wall when I had him and on the right when I had Tory Boy.

Is it terrible that I can recall the position of my beds after childbirth but not what my new children looked like?

The problem is that both boys looked like their father at birth which means they also looked like each other.  It’s been sixteen/twenty-two years and my memory isn’t what it once was, and that wasn’t much.  

I say Spud looked like his father and brother, but he also looked like someone else.  I had him by Caesarian and the anaesthetist (why does childbirth have so many aes?  Coincidentally, A+E stands for Accident and Emergency in the UK – the equivalent of the American ER – and accidents often result in emergencies that include childbirth nine months on.  Well it does in my family), a lovely man, held me up as the gynaecologist (see!) yanked him out.

What emerged was a fat, blue and crinkly Spud.  My first thought – I swear this is true – was, ‘Oh, he looks like the alien baby from V.’

Tell me I’m wrong: