Of This, That ‘n’ T’other

In my inbox this morning:

From the Arts Council: Do It Yourself Taxidermy, LIVE.

I literally have nothing to say.  Except…I pity the poor pet who drew that straw.

It gets better.  We are told:

The audience is encouraged to participate and generally be involved.

Stuff that!  I thought.

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And talking of animals…

You should know by now that I live in Stockport.  Stockport is a town.  An ordinary, English town.  No bush, no savannah, not even a zoo.  Imagine my surprise, then, on reading this headline in The Stockport Express:

Snake alert in Stockport: Police search after reports Cobra is on the loose

Unless, of course, they are referring to the group of people the government cobbles together in an emergency.  I can just see our esteemed cabinet ministers slithering through Alexandra Park on the way to attack an unsuspecting Labour voter. 

We are so unused to snakes here in Stockport that one woman assumed they come with legs:

Mum-of-three Sharon Gregory, 39, said […] “Now it’s quite nerve-wracking wondering if a snake is going to jump out.”

The Police are on the case, of course; determined to find – you’ve gotta love British legalese – ‘the alleged cobra.’ 

With our great British talent for understatement, the report concludes:

Officers are currently carrying out licence checks to see who – if anyone – might have mislaid a large venomous snake. 

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You may remember that a month or so ago I wrote that the producers of Come Dine With Me were looking to film in Stockport in August.  Either they are not yet done with the Julian Calendar or they are running a little behind, because I received an email asking me to ask again: if you fancy cooking for the telly, read my original post for details.

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And finally…

After he left for school yesterday morning, Spud sent me a text:

Got a lift of Barry.

Who’s Barry?

He came home safe and sound but I was furious with him and I said so:

How many times do I have to tell you?  It’s not ‘of’ it’s ‘off’!?

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Related articles

• Snake alert in Stockport: Police search after reports Cobra is on the loose (menmedia.co.uk)
• Come Dine With Me In Stockport (thelaughinghousewife.wordpress.com)

Come Dine With Me In Stockport

If you think that’s an invitation from me, hunger must have made you hallucinate.  Unless you like hysterical harridans serving inedible plates of unidentifiable mush?

I don’t really do dinner invites.  Visit me any time, yes, and welcome.  Sandwiches, a buffet, Christmas Dinner: no probs.  But an evening meal?  With all the food ready at the same time?  I have been married twenty-six years and I still panic if the eggs go in the pan before the bacon is burnt.  I once prepared chippolata sausages at my brother’s house and had a meltdown because the Hub wasn’t there to tell me when to stop cooking them.  At least I learned where charcoal comes from.

My favourite meal is leftovers and chips, because the food that has survived me well enough to end up in the fridge only needs warming in the microwave.  I get through microwaves like I get through deep fat fryers.

No, dear reader, your stomach is safe; and safer still if you don’t live in Stockport or the surrounding areas.  The television show Come Dine With Me is to film in Stockport in August, and they want you to provide the meal and the entertainment for the viewing public, with the possibility of a thousand pound prize at the end of it.  Ain’t that grand?

Here’s the blurb (they asked me to post it up in my window but the grease blocks the view):

Come Dine With Me

follows FIVE strangers, all budding chefs, as they take it in turns to try and prepare the best meal, be the best host and hold the best all-round dinner party for the others. The best host at the end of the competition wins £1,000 cash!

We’re looking for anyone over 18 years old, from any walk of life, who feels they have what it takes to throw a great dinner party!  So if you are passionate about cooking and you’d like to find out more, or if you know someone who could be a perfect candidate for our show, then please get in touch with us as soon as possible and leave your contact details on:

0871 244 4142

(Callers from a BT landline will be charged a set up fee of 10p per call plus 10p perminute. Calls from other networks may be higher and from mobiles will cost considerably more.)

Or email: cdwm@itv.com

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So, if you fancy being on telly while eating, as opposed to being in front of the telly while eating, give them a call.    My commission is only £10 and a taste.

Disclaimer: This has got nothing to do with me (that’s life).  I am the blogging equivalent of the lamppost that holds the poster advertising your lost cat.

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