Joke 974

Paradise-Wireless illustration (Photo credit: HikingArtist.com)

Sad Cartoon versus Technology (Photo credit: Sean Loyless)

– How do trees get on the Internet?

They log in.

– What do computers like to eat?
Chips.

– What do you call a space magician?
A flying saucerer.

–

What is a computer’s first sign of old age?
Loss of memory.

– What is an astronaut’s favourite key on the computer keyboard?
The space bar.

– What happened when the computer fell on the floor?

It slipped a disk.

– Why was there a bug in the computer?
It was looking for a byte to eat.

– How did the mouse get out of the Cathedral?
He clicked on an icon and opened a window.

– What kind of doctor fixes broken websites?
A URLologist.

– Have you heard about the Disney virus?
It makes everything on your computer go Goofy.

– What happened when a dragon breathed on several Macintosh computers?
He wound up with baked Apples.

– Why did the chicken cross the Web?
To get to the other site.

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From elon.edu

No Internet

adderall-withdrawal (Photo credit: Life Mental Health)

We had no internet for 24 hours.  I couldn’t blog, email, spend hours playing games or prepare today’s joke.

Here’s the weird part: I didn’t cry, scream, moan, complain, sweat, bitch, or play up in any way.  

I had no withdrawal symptoms at all.

I think I’m sick.

 

Joke 857

Extreme planking in my cubicle at the office #planking #newsfromthecube (Photo credit: slworking2)

Tech Support Calls 

Customer: “My disk ran out of space when trying to save my Word document, so I changed it from double spaced to single spaced and it still wouldn’t fit!”

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Tech Support: “Have you made backups of your software and data?”
Customer: “I didn’t know it had a reverse.”

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Customer: “All my files I saved last week to my C: drive are missing!”
Tech Support: “Do you remember what directory you first saved them in?”
Customer: “No, I don’t. I just know it was on my C: drive.”
Tech Support: “Ok, I’ll walk you through how to find the files.”
Customer: “I wouldn’t think I would be losing files on this computer. Gee, I just had the hard drive replaced in it yesterday.”

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Customer: “Do I need a computer to use your software?”
Tech Support: “Ok, I can help you install the software. Would you like me to do that?”
Customer: “Yes.”
Tech Support: “All right, can you insert the disk in the disk drive please?”
Customer: “How?”
Tech Support: “Place the disk in the opening at the front of the computer.”
Customer: “Will I have to have my computer delivered before we can do this?”
Tech Support: “Um yes, that might be an idea.”

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Tech Support: “Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the ‘OK’ button displayed?”
Customer: “Wow. How can you see my screen from there?”

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Customer: “How do you spell ‘Internet America’? Is there a space between ‘inter’ and ‘net’?”
Tech Support: “No space between ‘inter’ and ‘net’. It’s spelled normally.”
Customer: “Ok. A-M-E-R-I-C-K?”
Tech Support: “That’s A-M-E-R-I-C-A.”
Customer: “I-C-K???”
Tech Support: “‘A’ as in apple”
Customer: “There’s no ‘K’ in apple!”

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From Will & Guy.

Joke 853

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Trash, Compost, Recycling, Google Apps. Microsoft, Redmond Campus, Washington USA (Photo credit: Wonderlane)

 

One of Microsoft’s finest technicians was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

 

 

 

The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, “It’s leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!”

 

 

 

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Apologies for the delay in posting today’s joke – I had problems accessing the internet.

 

 

 

This one came from ahajokes.

 

 

 

Joke 841

The Ghost of Computing Past (Photo credit: AMagill)

1. If you have reached the point where you really understand your computer, it’s probably obsolete.

2. When you are computing, if someone is watching, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

3. When the going gets tough, upgrade your computer.

4. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you’d least expect to find it.

5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

6. To err is human…to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, in fact it’s downright natural.

7. He who laughs last, probably has a back-up.

8. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

9. A complex system that doesn’t work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

10. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.

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From Will & Guy.

Joke 818

4 – 1878 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

INSTALLING HUSBAND 1.0

 

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance — particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.  In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0. And Golf Clubs 4.1.  Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.5 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

 

 

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: “http: I Thought You Loved Me.htm” and try to download Tears 6.2 and don’t forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.  If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.  

But remember, over use of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5 Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background, that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

Also, do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7

Good Luck, 

Tech Support

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Thanks to Charlie at readbetweentheminds for this one.

   

Joke 776

Old Timers’ Views On Computing

• Memory was something you lost with age
• An application was for employment
• A program was a TV show
• A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
• A cursor used profanity
• A keyboard was a piano
• A web was a spider’s home
• A virus was the flu
• A hard drive was a long trip on the road

From Will & Guy.

Joke 677

You know you are addicted to your computer

Computer addiction starts at a young age (Photo credit: seanabrady)

when… 

· You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved, and you don’t have a clue when it happened. 

· Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like. 

· All of your friends have an @ in their names. 

· Your dog has its own home page. 

· You can’t call your mother; she doesn’t have a modem. 

· You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed. 

· You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse. 

· You get a new suit that says, “This best viewed with Netscape 4.01 or higher.” 

· The last girl you asked out was only a jpeg. 

· Your wife says communication is important in a marriage…you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.  

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From ajokeaday.com

Joke 456

 

English: This is a reproduction of two variants of one woman’s face — one masculinized and one feminized. The two computer-created morphs were done by Face Research, a psychological organization that studies human faces. http://www.sciencenewsforkids.org/2009/01/face-values-2/ (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Another one from ajokeaday.com

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.  House, for instance, is feminine: la casa.  Pencil, however, is masculine: el lapiz.

A student asked, “What gender is computer?

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men’s group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender (la computadora) because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women’s group, however, concluded that computer should be masculine (el computador) because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

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Dial ‘T’ For Technept

My netbook and I had a disagreement last night.  It got so nasty, there was a casualty.  I was first on the scene.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

In honour of my dear, departed memory stick, I bring you some of Will and Guy’s computer stories:

These are said to be actual calls to computer technical support reps:

Customer: I’m trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it just doesn’t work. What am I doing wrong?

Tech support: OK, you’ve got the CD in the CD drive, right?

Customer: Yeah…

Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using?

Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven’t got a computer. It’s in the CD player and all I get is weird noises. Listen…

***

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?

Customer: A white one.

***

Customer: I can’t get my diskette out.

Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?

Customer: Yes, sure, it’s really stuck.

Tech support: That doesn’t sound good; I’ll make a note.

Customer: No…wait a minute…I hadn’t inserted it into the computer yet…it’s still on my desk…sorry…

***

Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?

Customer: Yes, I’m sure. I saw my colleague do it.

Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?

Customer: Five stars.

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Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

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Tech support: How may I help you?

Customer: I’m writing my first e-mail.

Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?

Customer: Well, I have the letter ‘a’ in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

***

And if you think these are exaggerated, the Hub used to work in computer support and the first question he was taught to ask, to which the answer was almost always ‘No’, was, Is your computer plugged in?

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Joke 178

You know it is time to reassess your relationship with your computer when….

• You wake up at four in the morning to go to the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed.
• You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
• You decide to stay in university for another year, just for the free internet access.
• You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.
• You start using smileys 🙂 in your snail mail.
• You find yourself typing “com” after every period when using a word processor.com
• You can’t correspond with your mother because she doesn’t have a computer.
• When your email inbox shows “no new messages” you feel really depressed.
• You don’t know the gender of your three closest friends because they have nondescript screen names and you never bothered to ask.
• Your family always knows where you are.
• In real life conversations, you don’t laugh, you just say “LOL, LOL.”
• After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend.

Joke 116

Teacher: How do you spell dog?

Pupil: d, o, g, enter.

Ha Ha, Got Ya, WordPress!…Ow!

Image via Wikipedia

Your phone, laptop, tab, and ipad are dead. Will you make it through a normal working day and evening?

Of course – everything in the world that matters to me is in the living room.  On our pc.

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That’s what I was going to say, but WordPress cheated: the question in the subject line is incomplete; this is the actual question:

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Your phone, laptop, tab, ipad and desktop are dead. Will you make it through a normal working day and evening? What would you miss the most?

My sanity.

Joke 10

A businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted.

His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall, cool drink and a comforting word. “My, you look tired,” she said. “You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?”

“It was terrible,” her husband shuddered. “The computer broke down and we all had to do our own thinking.”

PS: Relieved

Sony, intimidated by my threat to mobilise the world, have fixed the problem. Or, to be strictly accurate, the PS3 has fixed the problem itself. Just what we need: intelligent computers. A few tiny steps from sentience and then we’ll have Arnold Schwarzenneggers all over the place.

Let me terminate this topic by telling you that Spud is at this very moment catching up on last night’s playing; I can hear him muttering parent-approved swear words under his breath (blast/fart/crap). He reminds me of his father, who would come home from work in the early days of our marriage and play games on his monochrome screened, 20 megabyte hard driven computer, and scream the foulest language at it. When I asked him why he played them when they had such a deleterious effect on his mood, he replied, ‘Because it relaxes me,’ proving that even back in the Eighties computers were already smarter than some people.