Quote…Unquote

I’m at an all-day workshop today, so here’s a reblog from two years ago.

The following quotes are from my clippings notebook:

Dilbert quotes, from an old Sky TV magazine:

• Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days you are the statue
• Last night I lay in bed looking up at the sky and stars and I thought to myself, ‘Where the heck is the ceiling?’
• You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter
• Never argue with an idiot.  They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience
• Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups

This next one is from Hagar the Horrible. It’s not that funny but it struck a chord with me because I read it when the Hub was travelling sub-Saharan Africa for weeks at a time and I was trying to think of reasons why that might be a good thing:

Helga: (Sigh) Being the wife of a traveling man is a trade-off…He gets to visit the great cities of Europe for three weeks…and I get a clean house for three weeks!

Only, the house was never clean for three weeks because I always re-arranged the furniture when he was away and it would take days at a time to do each room and the house would be upside down.  He would come back and be walking into things and getting into the wrong side of the bed for ages afterwards.  Served him right for leaving me alone with a baby and bad telly.

An old favourite from Hi And Lois. I can’t remember the characters’ names but it doesn’t really matter:

Mum (enters room where children are watching television): This program is awfully violent.

Boy: It’s just an animated cartoon, Mom, made up of thousands of drawings.  The  characters aren’t real so nobody gets hurt!

(Mum leaves)

Boy: That’s what I call my “Disney Defense.”

 Some Peanuts quotes:

• Sally: I think I’ve discovered the secret of life – you just hang around until you get used to it.
• Charlie Brown: Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.
• Charlie Brown again: Sometimes I lie awake at night and I ask, “Why me?”  Then a voice answers, “Nothing personal, your name just happened to come up.”

My personal favourite, unattributed:

If I were given the opportunity to present a gift to the next generation, it would be the ability for each individual to learn to laugh at himself.

Joke 20

Why Americans Are Tired; by an American.

For a couple years I’ve been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax build-up, poor blood, or anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real reason: I’m tired because I’m overworked. Here’s why: The population of this country is 300 million.

150 million are retired.

That leaves 150 million to do the work.

There are 95 million in school, which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this there are 30 million employed by the federal government, leaving 25 million to do the work.

3.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing vicious dictators. Which leaves 21.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 18,800,000 people who work for state and city governments, and that leaves 2.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 2,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 2,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And there you are sitting, at your computer, reading jokes.

Cartoon Quotes

More from my clippings notebook (I’m running out now so I’ll have to blog about something original in future):

Dilbert quotes, from an old Sky TV magazine:

• Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days you are the statue
• Last night I lay in bed looking up at the sky and stars and I thought to myself, ‘Where the heck is the ceiling?’
• You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter
• Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience
• Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups

This next one is from Hagar the Horrible. It’s not that funny but it struck a chord with me because I read it when the Hub was travelling sub-Saharan Africa for weeks at a time and I was trying to think of reasons why that might be a good thing:

Helga: (Sigh) Being the wife of a traveling man is a trade-off…He gets to visit the great cities of Europe for three weeks…and I get a clean house for three weeks!

Only, the house was never clean for three weeks because I always re-arranged the furniture when he was away and it would take days at a time to do each room and the house would be upside down. He would come back and be walking into things and getting into the wrong side of the bed for ages afterwards. Served him right for leaving me alone with a baby and rubbish telly.

An old favourite from Hi And Lois. I can’t remember the characters’ names but it doesn’t really matter:

Mum (enters room where children are watching television): This program is awfully violent.

Boy: It’s just an animated cartoon, Mom, made up of thousands of drawings. The characters aren’t real so nobody gets hurt!

(Mum leaves)

Boy: That’s what I call my “Disney Defense.”

Some Peanuts quotes; these are from the website http://www.allgreatquotes.com :

Sally: I think I’ve discovered the secret of life – you just hang around until you get used to it.

Charlie Brown: Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.

Charlie Brown again: Sometimes I lie awake at night and I ask, “Why me?”, then a voice answers “Nothing personal, your name just happened to come up.”

My personal favourite, unattributed: If I were given the opportunity to present a gift to the next generation, it would be the ability for each individual to learn to laugh at himself.