Tag Archives: Doctor

Joke 981

29 Nov

Thanks to Siggi of Maine for forwarding these. The original author is Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA.

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One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.  

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a ‘massive internal fart.’

funny doctors and nurse

funny doctors and nurse (Photo credit: ReSurge International)

 
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall.

‘Big breaths,’ I instructed. 

‘Yes, they used to be,’ replied the patient.

Joke 966

14 Nov
Scheme of digestive tract, with vermiform appe...

Scheme of digestive tract, with vermiform appendix marked. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

As a doctor I routinely get woken up during the night. One night a guy calls me at 3:30 in the morning and starts screaming that his wife’s appendix is inflamed.

I said calmly, “I took out your wife’s appendix last year. Have you ever heard of having a second appendix?”

He yells at me,”Have you ever heard of having a second wife?”

*

A couple were driving their teenage daughter to the hospital, where she was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy.  They discussed how the procedure would be performed.

“Dad,” the teenager asked, “how are they going to get me to keep my mouth open the whole time?”

Her father replied, “They’re going to give you a phone.”

Read more: http://www.funniestcleanjokes.com/joke/keep-your-mouth-open-joke#ixzz2kd02JWYG

 

Joke 927

6 Oct
Cheer-Up Playing Card

Cheer-Up Playing Card (Photo credit: andertoons)

A doctor remarked on his patient’s ruddy complexion.

“I know,” said the patient, “it’s high blood pressure; it’s from my family.”

“Your mother’s side or father’s side?” questioned the doctor.

“Neither, it’s from my wife’s family.”

“What?  That can’t be;  you can’t get it from your wife’s family.”

“Oh yeah?” the patient responded.  “You should meet them sometime!”

*

This one is for the Hub 🙂

Read more: Blood Pressure Joke – Doctor Jokes http://www.greatcleanjokes.com/1581/blood-preasure-joke/#ixzz2gsCWsXXY

Joke 892

1 Sep
doctor_doctor_joke08

doctor_doctor_joke08 (Photo credit: Alan O’Rourke)

At a party of professionals, a doctor was having difficulty socializing. Everyone wanted to describe their symptoms, and get an opinion about diagnosis. The doctor turned to a lawyer acquaintance and asked, “How do you handle people who want advice outside of the office?”

“Simple,” answered the lawyer, “I send them a bill. That stops it.”

The next day the doctor, still feeling a bit reserved about what he had just finished doing, opened his mailbox to send the bills; there sat a bill from the lawyer.

*

From ajokeaday.com

 

Joke 875

15 Aug
doctor_doctor_joke28

doctor_doctor_joke28 (Photo credit: Alan O’Rourke)

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to the new doctor.

At the first house a woman complained, “I’ve been a little sick to my stomach.” The older doctor said, “Well, you’ve probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you’ve been eating and see if that does the trick?”

As they left the younger man said, “You didn’t even examine that woman. How’d you come to your diagnosis so quickly?”

“I didn’t have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick.”

Doctor Who Joke #1

Doctor Who Joke #1 (Photo credit: Rooners Toy Photography)

“Huh,” the younger doctor said, “pretty sneaky. I think I’ll try that at the next house.”

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with another woman. She complained that she just didn’t have the energy she once did, “I’m feeling terribly run down lately.”

You’ve probably been doing too much work for the church,” the younger doctor told her. “Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.”

As they left, the elder doc said, “Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?”

“Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed.”

*

Thanks to Grannymar for this one.

Joke 742

4 Apr
Diptheria? Why doctor, Mary hasn't been anywhe...

Diptheria? Why doctor, Mary hasn’t been anywhere except school!!! (Photo credit: Government & Heritage Library, State Library of NC)

Patient: Doctor, doctor. I’ve come out in spots like cherries on a cake.

Doctor: Ah, you must have analogy.

*

From the Daily Mail again.


Joke 741

3 Apr

A man goes to the doctor and says, ‘Doctor, there’s a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom.’

Remember Your 5-a-day

Remember Your 5-a-day (Photo credit: smig44_uk)

The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him.

The man asks, ‘Is it serious, doctor?’

And the doctor replies, ‘I’m sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.’

From the Daily Mail, of all places.

 

Joke 697

18 Feb
Doctor Who Joke #2

Doctor Who Joke #2 (Photo credit: >Rooners)

A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn’t help.

On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn’t do any good.

On his third visit the doctor told the man, “Go home and take a hot bath. As soon as you finish bathing throw open all the windows and stand in the draft.”

“But Doc,” protested the patient, “if I do that, I’ll get pneumonia.”

“I know,” said the doctor, “but I can cure pneumonia.”

It’s feeble, I know, but so am I at the moment.  From workjoke.com

 

Joke 112

14 Jul

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse.  One day, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

“But how will I let you know the baby is born?” she asked.

He replied, “Just send me a postcard and write “spaghetti” on the back. I’ll take care of expenses.” Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by, and then one day the doctor’s wife called him at the office and said, “Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, something about spaghetti, and I don’t understand what it means.”

The doctor said, “Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you.”

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

The wife picked up the card and read: “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.  Two with sausage and meatballs; two without.”

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