Joke 928

He hasn’t noticed yet. (Photo credit: Nathan McCoy)

A group of doctors were out duck hunting, when a large bird flew overhead.

The family doctor raised his gun to shoot, but then lowered his gun saying, “I am not sure that is a duck.”

The psychiatrist raised his gun, but then lowered it again saying, “I know it’s a duck, but I’m not sure that it knows it’s a duck.”

The surgeon raised his gun and blasted the bird out of the sky. He turned to the pathologist and said, “Go see if that was a duck.”

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From ajokeaday.com

Joke 512

From Will & Guy.

Doctors can be so frustrating.

You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and when he examines you he says, “I wish you’d come to me sooner.”

Joke 304

Not jokes, exactly; but I’m not convinced they’re true.  Thanks to Sarsm, anyway!

What The Doctor  Wrote: the following quotes were taken  from actual medical records as dictated by physicians.

• By the time he was admitted, his  rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
• Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
• On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
• She has had no rigors or shaking  chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
• The patient has been depressed ever  since she began seeing me in 1983.
• Patient was released to outpatient  department without dressing. I have suggested that he loosen his pants before  standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall  to the floor.
• The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
• Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
• The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. ***** to dispose of him.
• Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
• The patient refused an autopsy.
• The patient has no past history of  suicides.
• The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
• Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
• The patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past  three days.
• She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
• The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with picture of acute pulmonary oedema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.
• The patient had waffles for breakfast  and anorexia for lunch.
• The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
• Since she can’t get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up.
• She is numb from her toes down.
• Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
• Patient was alert and  unresponsive.
• When she fainted, her eyes rolled  around the room. 
• Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

Joke 149

This one is courtesy of WonderfullyWired

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A man walks into a doctor’s surgery with a carrot up his nose, a cucumber in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

He asks the doctor why he is continually sick and the doctor answers, “Because you’re not eating properly.”

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There’s No Business Like Snow Business

Ghosts of Christmas past

I was too busy to blog yesterday.  I have packed so much into the last two days I can’t believe it’s not next week.  I have had doctor’s appointments and dentist’s appointments: no details for you, but let’s just say that the turkey isn’t the only bird this Christmas to have people rummaging around its orifices.  I have bought last-minute gifts, groceries and enough cakes to stop a French revolution.   I have been visitor and visitee and wined about it.  I have walked through mountains of snow without falling down; and taken my son and his friend sledding.  I even had a go myself, which was fun and utterly undignified.  I have eaten free toast in Stockport before ten in the morning: I met a Writing Friend and we exchanged gifts and Christmas horror stories: Had to queue for two minutes at the supermarket; ridiculous!  Took a child shopping and regretted it.  Was forced to drink copious amounts of alcohol and enjoy myself in order to be a good hostess; it’s so unfair.  My WF gives me a lift to our writing class and won’t accept petrol, saying I should just buy her a coffee instead.  I finally got the chance to do it yesterday.  She very fortunately chose a cafe that offers two free rounds of toast with each brew sold before ten, which made me look generous but only cost me £3.  I like those kinds of deals. 

Today is Christmas Cleaning Day.  I always spend Christmas Eve Eve cleaning, getting all washing and ironing out-of-the-way, making sure I don’t have to do anything but cook and enjoy myself for about five days.  You may not know this, but I don’t like cooking as a rule, but Christmas cooking has a festive spirit (largely brought on by a glass or three of wine) that marks it out as quite different.  I cook the meat on Christmas Eve because I refuse to spend all of Christmas Day in the kitchen, no matter how good the wine.  The Hub carves it all up and I just have to warm some on Christmas Day when I cook the vegetables.  Also, it means the juices have had time to set and the fat has risen to the top, giving delicious roast potatoes. 

I am suddenly starving hungry; I don’t know why.  See you tomorrow!