Tag Archives: Dogs

Joke 949

28 Oct

Ask a dog to change a light bulb…

Funny Dog Door Mat

Funny Dog Door Mat (Photo credit: pberry)

  • Golden Retriever: The sun is shining the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
  • Border Collie: Just one?  And then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.
  • Dachshund: You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp!
  • Rottweiler: Make me.
  • Funny dog

    Funny dog (Photo credit: kattebelletje)

    Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

  • Labrador: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?  Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
  • German Shepherd: I’ll change it as soon as I’ve led these people from the dark, checked to make sure I haven’t missed any, and made just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
  • Jack Russell Terrier: I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls and furniture.
  • Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? What light bulb?  I can’t see anything.
  • Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still mess on the carpet in the dark.
  • Yorkshire Terrier: Sure; let me just bark and bark and bark at it first. Where’s my treat?
  • Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there…
  • Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?
  • Australian Shepherd: First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle…
  • Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it.  By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
A funny picture of a cat on streets in Riga, L...

A funny picture of a cat on streets in Riga, Latvia. Visit http://www.startlatvia.com for more information about Latvia. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The Cat’s Answer: ‘Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs.  

So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?’

Proving once again that, while dogs have masters, cats have staff.

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From a jokeaday.com

Let Snoring Dogs Lie

24 May
English: Road north from Little Snoring to Gre...

English: Road north from Little Snoring to Great Snoring (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’m off to see the Ear, Nose & Throat doctor this afternoon, about my snoring.  I have begun to suspect that all of this bad weather is caused by my sucking in the sun every time I inhale in my sleep.

Yes, I am that bad.

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If you are wondering where Patrecia, Miss Whiplash, she who was always thinking about things, has gone to, it’s to a new blog, God’s Creatures, about animals.

She forgot to tell you what she was doing before she deleted her old blog.

I bet she snores; it’s hard to remember things when your head is aching from sleep-sniffing the entire contents of your bedroom.

Patrecia writes about animals, including her dogs.  

Did you know that the calculation of 7 human years for every 1 dog year is incorrect?  And did you like my smooth segue from one topic to another without the use of an asterisk?  I should be on TV.

According to BBC News, it works like this:

For first two years:

  • 12.5 years per human year for the first two years for small dogs
  • 10.5 years per human year for the first two years for medium-sized dogs
  • 9 years per human year for the first two years forlarge dogs

For years 3+:

  • Small: Dachshund (Miniature) 4.32, Border Terrier 4.47, Lhasa Apso 4.49, Shih Tzu 4.78, Whippet Medium 5.30, Chihuahua 4.87, West Highland White Terrier 4.96, Beagle 5.20, Miniature Schnauzer 5.46, Spaniel (Cocker) 5.55, Cavalier King Charles 5.77, Pug 5.95, French Bulldog 7.65
  • Medium: Spaniel 5.46, Retriever (Labrador) 5.74, Golden Retriever 5.74, Staffordshire Bull Terrier 5.33, Bulldog 13.42
  • Large: German Shepherd 7.84, Boxer 8.90
The Village sign, Little Snoring, Norfolk

The Village sign, Little Snoring, Norfolk (Photo credit: Wikipedia) I can only dream…

Time for my favourite-ever joke (from the film, Dumb & Dumber):

What do you get if you cross a Shih Tsu with a Bulldog?  

A Bullshit.

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Despite the funniest joke in the world, I think I’m in a bad mood. My head aches: my dog woke me an hour early for his breakfast, and wouldn’t take ‘no’ (or ‘Get lost, you horrible dog!’) for an answer.  You’d think at age 39.34 he’d be able to fix his own breakfast.

He’ll be wanting me to run his shower for him next.

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I think I’m mostly in a bad mood because a popcorn machine arrived this morning.  

Do you like a lot of salt on your Hub?

Pimp My Dog

13 Jan

My Dog Was In Season And I Was In Distress

It was that time of year: Molly was in heat and we had covered all seats and ourselves with old throws.  She spent her time licking her bottom and ignoring my reproachful and repelling looks.

I had never been around a dog in season before.  I can’t say I was in favour of it.  I don’t think she was either: she was confused and didn’t know what to do with herself when her tongue was at rest.

The Hub took charge, having grown up around breeding dogs and cats.  He is a great believer in female domestic animals having a litter before sterilisation, particularly when, like Molly, they have had a phantom pregnancy.  He found a mate for her in Bolton. 

Hub and Spud took Molly, primped and perfumed to look her best for the great ugly brute about to violate her.  The Brute was another Yorkshire Terrier called Toby.  Our own Toby is de-testicled and has never paid her any attention at all.  I guess, if you can’t find love at home you will play away….

I couldn’t go with them.  I felt like a mother pimping out a beloved child and I couldn’t bear to watch her deflowering.  The Hub, of course, took a camera – for a picture of the babydaddy, I hasten to add.  He intended to document the process, from innocent little girl to being loaned out as a baby factory to motherhood to having her beautiful babies snatched from her bosom…my dog, the pawn star.

Reprieved

My little girl is still virgo intacta –  being only eighteen months old, like any adolescent male Toby was enthusiastic but clueless.  He kept looking to the Hub for help but, even when the Hub lifted him on top of Molly, he couldn’t make the bat hit the ball, if you get my meaning.

Toby finally gave up but she came back exhausted anyway, because they spent an hour running and playing in the garden instead.

She was invited back next season, when it was hoped he’d have done some studying into the matter.

This post first appeared as two posts in January 2011.  

Still no puppies.  Toby never got the hang of it.

Rain, Rain, Nothing But Rain

22 Dec

The dog is going stir crazy.

IMGP2163

Just the one dog: Toby loves his walks but not in the rain.  He’s a Yorkshire Terrier and terriers believe in sniffing their way around a walk.  You can’t sniff anything in a puddle so what’s the point in going?  If it’s raining, he won’t go out and that’s that.

Unfortunately, it has done nothing but rain for a week.  There were at least two days when we didn’t get out, and on other days we managed ten-minute walks in the hiatus between one lot of clouds moving on and the next lot of clouds rolling in, but it’s not enough for a Squirrel Chaser (First Class) such as Toby.  

He’s driving me mad with his incessant nagging.  I have to open the front door every time he starts, letting the rain soak the carpet because the wind is always blowing in this direction.  

The problem is, dogs don’t think in the abstract; they live in the now as in:

I want a walk now, I want a walk now, I want a walk now!  Good, she’s putting on my coat, my harness, my lead, her coat, her scarf, her gloves, her shoes, what’s that big stick that opens up?  At last, I’m having my walk at last, at last – I’m not going out in that!  It’s filthy and I can’t smell anything.  Heels in; I like a good tug of war.  Let her get wet if she likes; I’m not that daft.

And then we have to take off the coat, the harness, the lead, the coat, the scarf, the gloves, the shoes.  I’m never sure which one of us is most disgruntled but I know who sulks the most.

Molly is a different kettle of dog:

It’s past September?  No thanks; I’ll walk in April.  

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Joke 603

16 Nov

From dogbreedinfo.

Breeds like this Doberman were specifically br...

Breeds like this Doberman were specifically bred for guard duty. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Sign on a fence:

Salesmen welcome.  

Dog food is expensive.

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Sign in a vet’s waiting room:

Back in five minutes.

Sit.  Stay.

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Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you?

But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out of the window.

 

Three Things

15 Nov

Tragedy by Steps at Merseyway Xmas lights last night

When I read this on Twitter today about my home town, I thought, ‘Oh no!’

They even had video:

I just read this on Facebook:

Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk but only one of them knows about it.

A couple of weeks ago, we received a reminder card through the post that Toby and Molly were due to have their booster jabs.  There was also an offer to download a money-off coupon.  The Hub phoned the vet, made the appointment, and off we went yesterday.

They had no record of our appointment but fitted us in anyway.  Turns out Toby didn’t have his booster last year because, at the time we took the dogs, his lesions had returned, he needed antibiotics and he couldn’t have the booster at the same time.  He was injected several times at several appointments and we had thought as we cried into our wallets that one of those was his booster jab.  

Never mind – at least we had the money off coupons to make it a little easier this time.

No, we didn’t.  The coupons weren’t valid for this particular branch.  

We came away unimpressed yesterday – not only had our beloved dog been unprotected for a year, he needed to start a whole new course of immunisations at a boosted price, they wouldn’t accept our coupons and they hadn’t even known we were going to turn up despite the Hub making the appointment a week earlier.

When we got home there was a message on the answering machine:

Hello!  This is anonymous from another vet’s.  Toby and Molly missed their appointment for their boosters today.  If you would like to make another appointment, please call back on number given.

The Hub had made the appointment and downloaded the coupons for one vet’s practice, but we had visited another.

 

5 Aug

A lovely, lovely story.

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