Joke 979

donkey (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.’

Chuck replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’

The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.’

Chuck said, ‘OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.’

The farmer asked, ‘What ya gonna do with him?’

Chuck said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’

The farmer said, ‘You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!’

Chuck said, ‘Sure I can, watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, ‘What happened with the dead donkey?’

Chuck said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00.’

The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’

Chuck said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.’

Chuck now works on Wall Street.

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From paradigmsearch.hubpages.com/

Joke 965

donkey (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A really dreadful shaggy donkey tale for you from Bibledonkeys.com

A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man that this donkey had been trained by the previous owner, a preacher.  The only way to make the donkey go was to say, “Hallelujah!”

The only way to make the donkey stop was to say, “Amen!”

The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher’s instructions.  “Hallelujah!” shouted the man.  The donkey began to trot.

“Amen!” shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately.

“This is great!” said the man. With a “Hallelujah,” he rode off, feeling pleased with his purchase.

The man traveled for a long time through some mountains. Soon, he was heading toward a cliff. He had travelled for so long that he had forgotten the commands.  He could not remember the word to make the donkey stop.

“Stop,” said the man.

“Halt!” he cried. The donkey kept going.

“Oh, no… Bible!….Church!…Please Stop!!” shouted the man. The donkey began to trot faster. He was getting closer and
closer to the cliff edge. Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer: “Please, dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I go off the end of this mountain, AMEN.”

The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff.

“HALLELUJAH!” shouted the man.

 

A Horse Meat Of A Different Colour

Donkeys on the beach at Scarborough. Donkey rides are a common feature on British beaches. These donkeys were photographed while they were taking a break and eating from nose bags. Also on the beach is a small amusement park (left) and the lifeboat station (right) http://www.geograph.org.uk/photo/192382. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

We think we’ve got it bad?

I just read a report in the Mail & Guardian that South Africans are eating ‘beef’ which is really goat, donkey and water buffalo.

Professor Louw Hoffman makes an excellent point:

There’s nothing wrong with eating donkey meat if you like eating donkey meat. It’s not more or less unhealthy than any other species. It boils down to the fact that you want to know what you’re eating.

Although, to be honest, if I’m eating donkey, I don’t think I do want to know what I’m eating.

I found this comment surprising:

The department of agriculture, forestry and fisheries has pointed out that eating unconventional species such as donkey, goat and water buffalo may seem unthinkable to many South Africans but it does not pose an automatic health risk.

What surprised me is that eating unconventional species is ‘unthinkable to many South Africans.’  This in a country which has a wonderful restaurant called The Train (in Midrand), where I have eaten elephant, shark, crocodile, giraffe and warthog.  They also serve water buffalo; but they don’t call it ‘beef’.  They call it ‘water buffalo’.

If you are ever in Midrand, you should visit The Train.  It’s less than R40 a head.  That’s about £3!  Or $4.50.

But be warned: they don’t have  a children’s menu.  Someone ate all the donkeys.

So Many Jokes, So Little Class

I made the mistake last night of wearing winter pyjamas in autumn.  On top of which, the Hub tells me, I flat refused – in my sleep – to share the bedspread. Rolled up in layers, it was inevitable that I would have bad dreams; I always have bad dreams when I’m too hot.

 

I am grumpy this morning because I haven’t had enough sleep because the bad dreams woke me up; and I’m not in the mood to write.  Instead, I present you with a cobbling of two posts from September 2010.

Enjoy.

If you want to stay out of my bad books.

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I spotted this job today, from The Arts Council:

Wanted: Executive Ass.

‘Executive Ass’ as in ‘Executive Assistant’.

An ass is also a bottom.

The picture above is of Bottom in Shakespeare’s A Midsummer Night’s Dream.  Bottom (one of the earliest transformers in literature) became an ass.  Bottom was a bit of an idiot.

Executives are often idiots, therefore the Arts Council ad could read:

Wanted: Idiot’s Idiot.

A synonym for executive is brass; the ad could also read:

Wanted: Brass Ass.

Some other synonyms, courtesy of thesaurus.com:

• Chief Ass
• Controlling Ass
• Head Ass
• General Ass
• President Ass
• Upstairs Ass
• Bureaucratic Ass
• Official Ass
• Presiding Ass
• Ruling Ass
• Supervising Ass

I’m just having fun, but it is entirely possible that at some point these were all genuine jobs advertised in The Guardian.

From Wikipedia:

Ass may refer to:

• DonkeyAmerican English informal term for buttocks
  • Asinus subgenus
  • From the above, slang for “stupid person”
• Arse Old English word for buttocks, from which the American English ‘ass’ is derived. Arse is nowadays used as an informal term for buttocks in British English

According to Wikipedia, a male donkey is known as a jack.  All donkeys are hard-working.  Hence, when Abigail Bartlet calls Jed a ‘jack ass’ in The West Wing (more than once, I might add), she is not really insulting the greatest fictional American president who never lived, but reminding him of how industrious he is.

A female is known as a jenny and her gestation period is twelve months.  She’s a ninny because it’s longer than for a bunny or a nanny goat though she’s canny because expectant mummies tend to be bonny (despite often needing the dunny) and without even a whinny she will regain her figure because vegans tend to be skinny and I’m stopping now because this is no longer funny.

Hee haw.

 

Making An Ass Of Myself

Image by nikoretro via Flickr

 

I started this reply to Flo’s question in the comments section of my previous post, but I had so much fun with it I thought I’d post it here instead.  

‘Executive Ass’ as in ‘Executive Assistant’.  

An ass is also a bottom.  

The picture in the previous post is of Bottom in Shakespeare’s A Midsummer Night’s Dream.  Bottom (one of the earliest transformers in literature) became an ass.  Bottom was a bit of an idiot.  

Executives are often idiots therefore the job is for an Idiot’s Idiot.  

A synonym for executive is brass; the job title is thus Brass Ass.  

Some other synonyms, courtesy of thesaurus.com:  

Chief Ass
Controlling Ass
Head Ass
General Ass
President Ass
Upstairs Ass
Bureaucratic Ass
Official Ass
Presiding Ass
Ruling Ass
Supervising Ass  

I’m just having fun but it’s possible that at some point these were all genuine jobs, advertised in The Guardian.  

  

From Wikipedia:  

Ass may refer to:  

• Donkey
  • Asinus subgenus
  • From the above, slang for “stupid person”
• American English informal term for buttocks
• Arse Old English word for buttocks, from which the American English ‘ass’ is derived. Arse is nowadays used as an informal term for buttocks in British English

Again in Wikipedia, a male donkey is known as a jack.  All donkeys are hard-working.  Hence, when Abigail Bartlet calls Jed a ‘jack ass’ in The West Wing (more than once, I might add), she is not really insulting the greatest fictional American president who never lived, but reminding him of how industrious he is.  

A female is known as a jenny and her gestation period is twelve months.  She’s a ninny because it’s longer than for a bunny or a nanny goat though she’s canny because expectant mummies tend to be bonny (despite often needing the dunny) and without even a whinny she will regain her figure because vegans tend to be skinny and I’m stopping now because this is no longer funny.  

  

 Hee haw.