March Repeats

Here are some bits ‘n’ pieces from March 2010, because nothing says ‘tired blogger’ like recycled writing.

On a Broken PS3

Sony, intimidated by my threat to mobilise the world, have fixed the problem. Or, to be strictly accurate, the PS3 has fixed the problem itself. Just what we need: intelligent computers. A few tiny steps from sentience and then we’ll have Arnold Schwarzenneggers all over the place.

Let me terminate this topic by telling you that Spud is at this very moment catching up on last night’s playing; I can hear him muttering parent-approved swear words under his breath (blast/fart/crap).

He reminds me of his father, who would come home from work in the early days of our marriage and play games on his monochrome screened, 20 megabyte hard driven computer, and scream the foulest language at it. When I asked him why he played them when they had such a deleterious effect on his mood, he replied, ‘Because it relaxes me.’

Proving that even back in the Eighties computers were already smarter than some people.

On a Horse

I read this years ago and I have always wanted to share it.  It is supposed to be a true story;  you’ll have to decide for yourself.  I soooo hope it is.

The Queen was entertaining a visiting head of state; they were parading down the Mall in a horse-drawn carriage, chatting nicely, when one of the horses made what can only be described as a rude noise.

QEII: I’m so sorry about that.

HoS: Please don’t apologise; if you hadn’t said anything, I’d have assumed it was the horse.

On Exercise

I was cheered by a report in the Telegraph* that says dog owners get more exercise than non-dog-owning, gym-going folk. 

*Yes, I know the report appeared months ago but give me a break; I’m exhausted from all the walking.

This is true (it says so in the papers so it must be).  My dog has short legs – shorter even than mine – and it was recommended that he get half-an-hour’s walking a day, which means that I get half-an-hour’s walking a day.  He often gets more, of course, but only if it’s not cold, not wet, not dark, not boring and I’m annoyed with the Hub.  If I’m being honest, if it was just the last qualification we would have daily three-hour walks.  

Toby also runs around a lot in the house – she’s standing up: there must be food!  He sneezed; I wonder if there’s any food?  The big one’s home; I bet she makes food.  He likes to play tug with his gezillion toys, which means that we play tug with his gezillion toys as well.   He’s very demanding; maybe we should have had another kid instead; at least they grow up and leave you: we’re stuck with this fella until he departs for that great park in the sky.  Hope there’s less poo up there.

I was also chuffed to notice a related article which claims that playing Sudoku burns off more calories than is contained in a Hobnob.  Me, I am liking this newspaper.  When I spotted that ‘Comfort eating does work’ and that superdiets are ‘based on myths’, I had to roll around in a box of Maltesers to celebrate.

*

I am a little surprised, given this rigorous exercise & diet regime, that I don’t look like Posh Spice**.  Next time I am exercising the dog  I will put away my Sudoku puzzle as I sit virtuously on my park bench, and exercise the little grey cells instead: I’m sure M. Poirot will be able to help me.

After all, we look so alike.

**I first typed, ’I am a little surprised that I don’t like Posh Spice’.***  Think it was a Freudian slip?  I don’t; I rather like her, but why does she never smile with all that she’s got to be happy about?  I bet she’s hungry.  She should follow my diet then she could look terrific and be cheerful.

***Then I corrected it and accidentally wrote, ‘I am a little surprised that I don’t loo like Posh Spice’.  Don’t think we’ll go there.

Joke 439

 

 

Potato bag (Photo credit: kalleboo)

Thanks to my friend Sue for this one.

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER FIFTY

• Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
• With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.  Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
• Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
• After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
• Graduate slowly to 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.  (I’m at this level.)
• After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

   

Joke 231

I went out for a run this morning and tripped over.

I could have been wearing the wrong size shoes; I haven’t seen the footage yet.

Exercise…I’ve Heard Of It

Image by Cornell University Library via Flickr

Do you wish you had more money or time?

Yes.

If you were God, how would you have started it all?

At the risk of sounding pompous, I wouldn’t presume to second-guess the Lord.

What is your favorite way to get physical exercise?

I have a really good system: I spend all morning at the computer, exercising my brain and fingers at your blogs.  At some point I fall into a dead faint, which tells me I’m hungry.

• walk from computer to kitchen
• put kettle on
• walk back to computer
• walk from computer to kitchen
• make tea
• prepare cereal
• walk back to computer
• eat cereal whilst reading blogs
• walk back to kitchen
• get piece of fruit (also known as ‘packet of crisps’)
• walk back to computer
• eat frusps whilst reading blogs
• walk back to kitchen to dispose of fruit packet
• get another piece of fruit (also known as ‘chocolate’)
• walk back to computer
• eat other fruitlate whilst reading blogs
• walk back to kitchen to dispose of other fruit packet
• walk back to computer with tea, now at perfect drinking temperature (adding weights to an exercise regime gives a better workout)
• drink tea whilst reading blogs
• walk back to kitchen with almost-empty mug (it is impolite to drain the cup)
• walk back to computer
• read blogs

As you can see, I get a lot of aerobic exercise on a daily basis.  Time to celebrate with a slap-up meal!

*

Related articles

• Exercise? (lupuschronicles.com)
• What is your favorite way to get exercise? (thebloggingpath.com)
• What is your favorite way to get exercise? (klling.wordpress.com)
• And you thought walking was simple… (silosmasherswellness.wordpress.com)
• Exercising and Anti Aging (fitnesstipsforlife.com)

101/1001 (16)

One task completed this week:

Manage ten real sit-ups.  (10/10)

I’ve been gradually building up from one and I reached ten a while back, but Spud told me I was doing them wrong so I had to start again.

We have been encouraging each other.  He will walk into the room and quietly ask, ‘Have you done your sit-ups today?’  The answer is always ‘No.’  He then barks at me to drop and give him three-seven-nine-whatever number I’m up to, plus one.

I did my first proper ten yesterday and I can already feel the difference in my stomach: intense pain and an inability to straighten up.

We are encouraging each other for two reasons: to get fit, and to get girls (that last bit is just him).  He has reached 50 sit-ups, 50 press-ups, morning and evening; and ten pull-ups on the crossbar of the swings in the park.  He excitedly showed his Dad and I the real lump in his bicep that has started to appear; not one of those imaginary ones we’ve been feeling since he was three.

He is also fixing up his bike and intends to ride it many miles every day.  I guess the child is serious.  Those girls had better look out: there’s a new boy in town and he’s got a bumpy bicep.

*

Don’t forget to click the links on the right, under 101/1001ers, to see how everyone else is doing.  And think about joining us!

Wilde Bus

Image by gorbould via Flickr

 

Describe the biggest risk you’ve ever taken (and what happened).

Making fun of the WordPress prompter.  I haven’t been booted out of my blog yet; but give it time.

7

Write about the biggest secret you failed to keep.

I refer you to my post of 13 Feb.  Oscar Wilde knew me well.

p

What non-exercise activity do you wish would keep you fit?

You all think I’m going to say ‘Eating Maltesers,’ don’t you?  Guess again.  And keep guessing until I hear something I like, then I’ll use that one.

p

What is the strangest thing that’s ever happened to you on a bus?

The driver was pleasant.  Read all about it here.  And take note of how my blogging has improved.

p

Go to your drafts folder and finish an old post.

What do you think this is?

l

I’m An Exercise Freak: There’s A Report That Proves It

I was cheered by a report in the Telegraph* that says dog owners get more exercise than non-dog-owning, gym-going folk.  This is true (it says so in the papers so it must be).  My dog has short legs – shorter even than mine – and it was recommended that he get half-an-hour’s walking a day, which means that I get half-an-hour’s walking a day.  He often gets more, of course, but only if it’s not cold, not wet, not dark, not boring and I’m annoyed with the Hub.  If I’m being honest, if it was just the last qualification we would have daily three-hour walks.  Toby also runs around a lot in the house – she’s standing up: there must be food!  He sneezed; I wonder if there’s any food?  The big one’s home; I bet she makes food.  He likes to play tug with his gezillion toys, which means that we play tug with his gezillion toys as well.   He’s very demanding; maybe we should have had another kid instead; at least they grow up and leave you: we’re stuck with this fella until he departs for that great park in the sky.  Hope there’s less poo up there.

 

Three minutes after being brushed. Typical adolescent.

I was also chuffed to notice a related article which claims that playing Sudoku burns off more calories than is contained in a Hobnob.  Me, I am liking this newspaper.  When I spotted that ‘Comfort eating does work’ and that superdiets are ‘based on myths’, I had to roll around in a box of Maltesers to celebrate. 

I am a little surprised that I don’t look like Posh Spice**, however, given the rigorous exercise & diet regime I have been following.  Next time I am exercising the dog,  I will put away my Sudoku puzzle as I sit virtuously on my park bench, and exercise the little grey cells instead: I’m sure M. Poirot will be able to help me; after all, we look so alike.

 

 

 

*Yes, I know the report appeared at the end of November but give me a break; I’m exhausted from all the walking.

**I first typed,’I am a little surprised that I don’t like Posh Spice’.***  Think it was a Freudian slip?  I don’t; I rather like her, but why does she never smile with all that she’s got to be happy about?  I bet she’s hungry.  She should follow my diet then she could look terrific and be cheerful.

***Then I corrected it and accidentally wrote, ‘I am a little surprised that I don’t loo like Posh Spice’.  Don’t think we’ll go there.