Tag Archives: Facebook

No Need To Nag

15 Jan

I had an email from Facebook: ‘Today is Alex Cosgriff’s birthday.’  

To be honest, I was offended; as if I need some mindless, faceless mass to tell me the date my child was born.

Get lost, Facebook.

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Uh…oh…um…nearly forgot: happy birthday, Spud.

Linda & Alex 15011996

Joke 996

14 Dec

Some not particularly funny jokes about Facebook:

  • Did you hear about the website where you can find a collection of Twitter’s best jokes?  It’s called Facebook.
  • When I was kid, my social network was called “outside”.
  • When FaceBook, MySpace and Twitter merge into one super social networking company what will it be called?  “My Twit Face.”

From jokes4us.com

Some so-so Facebook statuses:

  • My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
  • The average power nap is 20 minutes. This works out well because I can fit 3 of them evenly into one hour.
  • I am wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of “liking” my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I’m awesome :p
  • I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
  • I love in horror movies how the person yells out “hello?!” as if the killer is gonna say “yeah I’m in the kitchen, want a sandwich?”

From blog.thoughtpick.com

Some late night jokes about Facebook:

  • “It’s an interesting new feature. Soon you’ll be able to find anything you want on Facebook, except for the thousands of hours of your life you lost going on Facebook.” – Jimmy Kimmel
  • “Some people use Facebook to check up on ex-boyfriends or ex-girlfriends. That just seems creepy to me. I like it the old-fashioned way. If you want to check up on an ex, go through their trash.” – Craig Ferguson
  • “Mark Zuckerberg got married. Their reception was annoying, though. Right when everyone got used to the seating arrangement, Zuckerberg changed the layout for no reason.” – Jimmy Fallon
  • “As of Friday you’ll all be able to buy shares of Facebook. This is perfect for anyone who’s ever logged on, looked at pictures of their friend eating a sandwich, and thought, ‘Now there’s a sound investment.'” – Conan O’Brien
  • “This week investors will be able to buy shares of Facebook stock for the first time ever. It’s great — now you can lose all your money in the same place you lost all your time.” – Jimmy Fallon
  • “There’s a new Facebook app that will post a final status update for you after you die. That’s ridiculous. I don’t need someone to change my status when I die. I need them to water my Farmville crops.” – Jimmy Fallon
  • “Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg has been named Time magazine’s Person of the Year. They said he has single-handedly changed the way we waste time at work.” – Jay Leno

From politicalhumourabout.com

From the archive:

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The Hub was explaining to me last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.

I said, ‘I’d like to come back as a cow.’

He said, ‘You’re obviously not listening.’

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The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.

Talk about Dyson with death.

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I’m in trouble with the wife. We were in bed and she asked what I would like to do most with her body.

Apparently, “Identify it” wasn’t the right answer.

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A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

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Velcro – what a rip-off.

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Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job?

She couldn’t control her pupils.

 

Joke 932

11 Oct
Happy Furry Friday, folks!

Happy Furry Friday, folks! (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Friday Facebook & Twitter Statuses

  • Before I lose my phone, end up naked, high, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish you all a Happy Friday.
  • I would like to thank you people for letting me know it’s Friday every week. It’s thoughts like this that keep me on Facebook.
  • Instead of that daylight savings crap why don’t we just move the clock ahead an hour every Friday at noon so we get outta work early , then on Sunday move the clock back an hour at like 3AM so we can sleep that extra hour.
  • I’ve never met a Friday I didn’t like!
  • Family…Friends….Fun…Fridays. All good things start with “F”.
  • Coffee makes my mornings. But Friday makes my week.
  • Every day can be Friday if you’re really irresponsible.
  • My boss just informed me that “It’s FRIDAY” is not a legitimate excuse to start drinking at 8am.
  • Why are you all so excited it’s Friday? Monday will be here in 5 minutes.
  • If my boss knew how unproductive I am on Fridays, he wouldn’t want me here either.
  • Thursday doesn’t even count as a day, it’s just the thing that’s blocking Friday…
  • Finally Friday! Felt like it took a week to get here!!
  • Welcome to Friday. In preparation for take off, please ensure all negative attitudes are properly stowed. On behalf of your captain, welcome aboard. I expect sunshine and good attitudes today for our trip. Enjoy the ride.
  • Being awake during a Saturday Morning sunrise is a sign of a good Friday Night.
  • Well, it’s easy to tell I’m married. It’s Friday night and I’m at home updating my Facebook status…
  • It’s Friday night… So many innocent beers have no idea what’s coming for ‘em.
  • Friday!!! I’m so glad you are back. I’m sorry you had to see me with Monday-Thursday, but I swear I was thinking of you the whole time.

From thejokecafe

The Laughing Penguin

26 Jul

If this doesn’t make you all gooey, you have a heart of stone and you’re in the wrong blog:

Thanks to my friend Pam for sharing it on Facebook.

 

I Have Facebook Shares

6 May

Some recent Facebook posts which I want to share with you:

Photo: Yeah! Stop pestering him! *Pip

And this one, made especially for me by my friend Pam.  Thanks Pam!

 

Hoist With My Own Facebook

15 Apr
Funny Church Signs

Funny Church Signs (Photo credit: au_tiger01)

You know how I like sharing church bulletin errors for my daily joke?

I may be in the next one.

My church is made up of three congregations which merged two years ago. When it became clear that the Vicar, David, was going to implode under the weight of the work, seven ministries were set up to help him.  I am the team leader for our Communications Ministry (hey, desperation makes even the likes of me look attractive).

Tomorrow night, we have a Ministry Teams Leaders’ meeting at the vicarage, at which we will most definitely, absolutely and certainly not complain (it is vital that you know this, because of what follows).  We have nothing – and no-one, especially not vicars – to complain about,  because we all love what we do and don’t need paying for it, not even one hundredth of a dong (you don’t believe me?  So xu me).

One of my jobs is to post details of our activities on Facebook.  If you are not on Facebook, I’d better explain something: when you type Such and such is happening @ such and such, the @ causes Facebook to offer names for you to link to, and puts it in the appropriate spot.  I always ignore them.  Or so I thought…

Today’s Facebook post – check Tuesday at 19:30:

DSCN1162

But you know what really incensed me?   The space I created between tomorrow night’s meeting and Wednesday’s date disappeared.  

Formatting errors – now that is a crime.

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Previous Two Words:

Weltschmerz: sentimental pessimism.  Kind of how I feel every time I read my friends’ Facebook statuses.

Vilipend: to regard or treat as of little value or account.  What I just did to my Facebook friends, right before they all de-friended me.

Animal Magic

17 Feb

We haven’t had a news round-up in a while.  It’s all about animals today, from The Telegraph website.  Visit the site for full details.

Giant Rabbit Sees Off Burglar

A petrified burglar fled a family home in the middle of the night - after coming face to face with their giant pet rabbit.

A family’s pet rabbit disturbed a burglar and made such a racket, he frightened the thief away.

The rabbit sleeps in a labrador cage in the house.  He was pretty shaken up and tried to go for a policeman who came to investigate.

I’ve never liked rabbits since I took Tory Boy on a pre-school trip to a local farm and we were warned not to let the children put their fingers through the bars because the rabbits often mistake them for carrots…

Owl Radiates Anxiety

This poor bird was hit by a car and became trapped in the grille for 24 hours. Fortunately, observant motorists (not the driver, obviously) spotted it and it was rescued, unharmed.

How Much Is That Doggie In The Window Annoying You?

This story sounds amusing but it’s really not: a woman suffering a form of tinnitus known as musical hallucination has heard the song, How Much Is That Doggie In The Window? in her head for three solid years.

And now you will too:

And Finally…

I came across this one on Facebook.  It’s a hamster who likes to play dead:

 

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