Tag Archives: Facebook

No Need To Nag

15 Jan

I had an email from Facebook: ‘Today is Alex Cosgriff’s birthday.’  

To be honest, I was offended; as if I need some mindless, faceless mass to tell me the date my child was born.

Get lost, Facebook.








Uh…oh…um…nearly forgot: happy birthday, Spud.

Linda & Alex 15011996

Joke 996

14 Dec

Some not particularly funny jokes about Facebook:

  • Did you hear about the website where you can find a collection of Twitter’s best jokes?  It’s called Facebook.
  • When I was kid, my social network was called “outside”.
  • When FaceBook, MySpace and Twitter merge into one super social networking company what will it be called?  “My Twit Face.”

From jokes4us.com

Some so-so Facebook statuses:

  • My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
  • The average power nap is 20 minutes. This works out well because I can fit 3 of them evenly into one hour.
  • I am wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of “liking” my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I’m awesome :p
  • I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
  • I love in horror movies how the person yells out “hello?!” as if the killer is gonna say “yeah I’m in the kitchen, want a sandwich?”

From blog.thoughtpick.com

Some late night jokes about Facebook:

  • “It’s an interesting new feature. Soon you’ll be able to find anything you want on Facebook, except for the thousands of hours of your life you lost going on Facebook.” – Jimmy Kimmel
  • “Some people use Facebook to check up on ex-boyfriends or ex-girlfriends. That just seems creepy to me. I like it the old-fashioned way. If you want to check up on an ex, go through their trash.” – Craig Ferguson
  • “Mark Zuckerberg got married. Their reception was annoying, though. Right when everyone got used to the seating arrangement, Zuckerberg changed the layout for no reason.” – Jimmy Fallon
  • “As of Friday you’ll all be able to buy shares of Facebook. This is perfect for anyone who’s ever logged on, looked at pictures of their friend eating a sandwich, and thought, ‘Now there’s a sound investment.'” – Conan O’Brien
  • “This week investors will be able to buy shares of Facebook stock for the first time ever. It’s great — now you can lose all your money in the same place you lost all your time.” – Jimmy Fallon
  • “There’s a new Facebook app that will post a final status update for you after you die. That’s ridiculous. I don’t need someone to change my status when I die. I need them to water my Farmville crops.” – Jimmy Fallon
  • “Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg has been named Time magazine’s Person of the Year. They said he has single-handedly changed the way we waste time at work.” – Jay Leno

From politicalhumourabout.com

From the archive:


The Hub was explaining to me last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.

I said, ‘I’d like to come back as a cow.’

He said, ‘You’re obviously not listening.’


The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.

Talk about Dyson with death.


I’m in trouble with the wife. We were in bed and she asked what I would like to do most with her body.

Apparently, “Identify it” wasn’t the right answer.


A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.


Velcro – what a rip-off.


Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job?

She couldn’t control her pupils.


Joke 932

11 Oct
Happy Furry Friday, folks!

Happy Furry Friday, folks! (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Friday Facebook & Twitter Statuses

  • Before I lose my phone, end up naked, high, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish you all a Happy Friday.
  • I would like to thank you people for letting me know it’s Friday every week. It’s thoughts like this that keep me on Facebook.
  • Instead of that daylight savings crap why don’t we just move the clock ahead an hour every Friday at noon so we get outta work early , then on Sunday move the clock back an hour at like 3AM so we can sleep that extra hour.
  • I’ve never met a Friday I didn’t like!
  • Family…Friends….Fun…Fridays. All good things start with “F”.
  • Coffee makes my mornings. But Friday makes my week.
  • Every day can be Friday if you’re really irresponsible.
  • My boss just informed me that “It’s FRIDAY” is not a legitimate excuse to start drinking at 8am.
  • Why are you all so excited it’s Friday? Monday will be here in 5 minutes.
  • If my boss knew how unproductive I am on Fridays, he wouldn’t want me here either.
  • Thursday doesn’t even count as a day, it’s just the thing that’s blocking Friday…
  • Finally Friday! Felt like it took a week to get here!!
  • Welcome to Friday. In preparation for take off, please ensure all negative attitudes are properly stowed. On behalf of your captain, welcome aboard. I expect sunshine and good attitudes today for our trip. Enjoy the ride.
  • Being awake during a Saturday Morning sunrise is a sign of a good Friday Night.
  • Well, it’s easy to tell I’m married. It’s Friday night and I’m at home updating my Facebook status…
  • It’s Friday night… So many innocent beers have no idea what’s coming for ‘em.
  • Friday!!! I’m so glad you are back. I’m sorry you had to see me with Monday-Thursday, but I swear I was thinking of you the whole time.

From thejokecafe

The Laughing Penguin

26 Jul

If this doesn’t make you all gooey, you have a heart of stone and you’re in the wrong blog:

Thanks to my friend Pam for sharing it on Facebook.


I Have Facebook Shares

6 May

Some recent Facebook posts which I want to share with you:

Photo: Yeah! Stop pestering him! *Pip

And this one, made especially for me by my friend Pam.  Thanks Pam!


Hoist With My Own Facebook

15 Apr
Funny Church Signs

Funny Church Signs (Photo credit: au_tiger01)

You know how I like sharing church bulletin errors for my daily joke?

I may be in the next one.

My church is made up of three congregations which merged two years ago. When it became clear that the Vicar, David, was going to implode under the weight of the work, seven ministries were set up to help him.  I am the team leader for our Communications Ministry (hey, desperation makes even the likes of me look attractive).

Tomorrow night, we have a Ministry Teams Leaders’ meeting at the vicarage, at which we will most definitely, absolutely and certainly not complain (it is vital that you know this, because of what follows).  We have nothing – and no-one, especially not vicars – to complain about,  because we all love what we do and don’t need paying for it, not even one hundredth of a dong (you don’t believe me?  So xu me).

One of my jobs is to post details of our activities on Facebook.  If you are not on Facebook, I’d better explain something: when you type Such and such is happening @ such and such, the @ causes Facebook to offer names for you to link to, and puts it in the appropriate spot.  I always ignore them.  Or so I thought…

Today’s Facebook post – check Tuesday at 19:30:


But you know what really incensed me?   The space I created between tomorrow night’s meeting and Wednesday’s date disappeared.  

Formatting errors – now that is a crime.


Previous Two Words:

Weltschmerz: sentimental pessimism.  Kind of how I feel every time I read my friends’ Facebook statuses.

Vilipend: to regard or treat as of little value or account.  What I just did to my Facebook friends, right before they all de-friended me.

Animal Magic

17 Feb

We haven’t had a news round-up in a while.  It’s all about animals today, from The Telegraph website.  Visit the site for full details.

Giant Rabbit Sees Off Burglar

A petrified burglar fled a family home in the middle of the night - after coming face to face with their giant pet rabbit.

A family’s pet rabbit disturbed a burglar and made such a racket, he frightened the thief away.

The rabbit sleeps in a labrador cage in the house.  He was pretty shaken up and tried to go for a policeman who came to investigate.

I’ve never liked rabbits since I took Tory Boy on a pre-school trip to a local farm and we were warned not to let the children put their fingers through the bars because the rabbits often mistake them for carrots…

Owl Radiates Anxiety

This poor bird was hit by a car and became trapped in the grille for 24 hours. Fortunately, observant motorists (not the driver, obviously) spotted it and it was rescued, unharmed.

How Much Is That Doggie In The Window Annoying You?

This story sounds amusing but it’s really not: a woman suffering a form of tinnitus known as musical hallucination has heard the song, How Much Is That Doggie In The Window? in her head for three solid years.

And now you will too:

And Finally…

I came across this one on Facebook.  It’s a hamster who likes to play dead:


The ‘Ahhhh!’ Factor

28 Nov

My friend Pam shared this on Facebook yesterday.  It’s not her cat, by the way.


Three Things

15 Nov

Tragedy by Steps at Merseyway Xmas lights last night

When I read this on Twitter today about my home town, I thought, ‘Oh no!’

They even had video:

I just read this on Facebook:

Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk but only one of them knows about it.

A couple of weeks ago, we received a reminder card through the post that Toby and Molly were due to have their booster jabs.  There was also an offer to download a money-off coupon.  The Hub phoned the vet, made the appointment, and off we went yesterday.

They had no record of our appointment but fitted us in anyway.  Turns out Toby didn’t have his booster last year because, at the time we took the dogs, his lesions had returned, he needed antibiotics and he couldn’t have the booster at the same time.  He was injected several times at several appointments and we had thought as we cried into our wallets that one of those was his booster jab.  

Never mind – at least we had the money off coupons to make it a little easier this time.

No, we didn’t.  The coupons weren’t valid for this particular branch.  

We came away unimpressed yesterday – not only had our beloved dog been unprotected for a year, he needed to start a whole new course of immunisations at a boosted price, they wouldn’t accept our coupons and they hadn’t even known we were going to turn up despite the Hub making the appointment a week earlier.

When we got home there was a message on the answering machine:

Hello!  This is anonymous from another vet’s.  Toby and Molly missed their appointment for their boosters today.  If you would like to make another appointment, please call back on number given.

The Hub had made the appointment and downloaded the coupons for one vet’s practice, but we had visited another.


It’s All Facebook’s Fault

7 Oct
Bad Mood Today?

Bad Mood Today? (Photo credit: Frank Wuestefeld)

I wrote this on Facebook yesterday:

Writing workshop this morning; eldest son home this afternoon; Dr Who tonight. Can this day get any better?!!

(Without the italics, of course; Facebook seems to be averse to correct punctuation.  I don’t understand that(.

My friend posted this reply:

Workshop – awesome. Your son visiting – epic. Dr Who – not on until Christmas. Gutted 😦

I was gutted, too.  She compensated by:

  1. Giving me a gift of cute post-it notes – so that I could write cute love notes to the Hub, because we ‘like that sort of thing.’  She doesn’t know me very well.  I got the present so that my ‘birthday week doesn’t have to end yet.’  She knows me so well.  She also gave me a box of Maltesers.  I think I love her.
  2. Giving me a lift to the workshop, which was forty miles away.   Thank goodness I had the sense to book her on it when I booked my place.

I’d forgotten that British TV now does that stupid season break thing.  America, I love you, but what’s with that?  Why can’t your TV shows act in a civilised manner and air until they are finished?  Lucky for you I’ve got extra Maltesers and I wrote nine poems yesterday, or I’d be a tad grumpy.

Now I am grumpy – what an irritating word ‘tad’ is.  I can’t believe I used it.

Time for a quick Malteser fix, I think.


Malteser (Photo credit: Olaf_S)

…peel off the chocolate…allow the malt to tease my taste buds…swig of Earl Grey…aaahh!  My universe has righted itself.

That was the moment Hub chose to break it to me that eldest son was not coming home yesterday (I hadn’t noticed, being high on chocolate and poetry).

Someone pass me a dictionary; my mood is a tad violent….

My Cousin’s Wife’s Facebook Statuses

23 Jul
Carrots of many colors.

Carrots of many colors. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I am friends with my cousin’s wife in New Zealand.  She is a funny lady.  Putting on my stalker hat, I started saving her Facebook statuses because they make me laugh.  

A condition of the restraining order is that I be allowed to share them with you.









  • In order to cope with the never-ending bombardment of paperwork, I’ve decided to file them into four categories: Don’t care/Don’t know/Don’t wanna know/Are you kidding me?
  • That awkward moment when you realise it’s only Tuesday…
  • The kids and I had KFC for dinner, and me being the good mum that I am,  insisted we stand on one leg for a minute, just to make sure it was a balanced meal.
  • Me:  42 carrots are needed to fill 6 bags; how many carrots would you need if you had 12 bags? Student:  That would depend on the size of the bags. Me:  All the bags are the same size.  Student: What about the size of the carrots?
  • Oh hello Life…I didn’t see you hiding behind all that work.  Please come back, I miss you.
  • Why do they lock the toilets at gas stations?  Are they worried someone might clean them?
  • I have analysed the data, triangulated the results and made an overall teacher judgement to cancel the rest of this week.
  • Hello Friday, I’ve missed you.
  • Hello Friday, you have arrived at your destination.
  • About to have a deep and meaningful conversation with a Brussel sprout to see if I can cancel the rest of the working week.
  • Did you know that in some countries Friday is referred to as POETS day?  It commonly refers to P**s Off Early Tomorrow’s Saturday… brilliant!  We should celebrate Poets everyday, after all, poetry is very educational.
  • So proud of myself – I’ve manged to reduce my carbon footprint by not doing any housework today…it’s been tough forcing myself to sit and listen to music all morning, but it’s for a good cause, so I will force myself to continue.  I will find the strength to boldly continue saving this planet of ours : )
  • Dear *****, Start smiling cupcake, I’m on my way.  Sincerely, Friday.
  • Hello weekend, goodbye work.
  • I’ve cancelled Thursday due to lack of interest…
  • Sarcasm…cuz I’m too short to slap people in the face, and I couldn’t be bothered wearing my stilettos.
  • Oi, Rain, calibrate your GPS, this is not England, therefore you have NOT arrived at your destination.
  • Close window, chuck laptops and iwb’s thru the window…problem solved.
  • Alcohol…cuz having a glass of water just ain’t gonna have the desired effect after a hectic Monday.
  • That moment when a child who very seldom shows emotion, breaks out into a smile because he managed to read an entire sentence correctly…I had one of those moments today, it served to remind me why I love teaching as much as I do.


If you know of an interesting Facebook status, do share it!

Shakespeare, Facebook & Spam

26 Jun

Spud taught me how to download pictures from Facebook!

Shakespeare does the Hokey-Cokey:



A recent Facebook status written by Spud:

“The thing about quotes on the internet is that you cannot confirm their validity.” – Abraham Lincoln.



The photographs of my poems from the Bolton Arts Trail post are too small for you to read.  If you are interested, I posted them on my poetry blog.



And finally:

The name of a spammer in my spam box today – possibly my favourite piece of spam ever:

Home made penis extenders

My mind has never been so boggled. Roll out the chopsticks!



Joke 449

15 Jun


Image representing Facebook as depicted in Cru...

Image representing Twitter as depicted in Crun...
Image via CrunchBase
Image representing YouTube as depicted in Crun...
Image via CrunchBase





Thanks to Katherine Trauger‘s son for this one.


In the near-future, FaceBook, Twitter and You Tube are to merge. 

The new company will be known as YouTwitFace.



Joke 351

9 Mar

I got this one off Facebook.  It has its uses.

The past, the present and the future walk into a bar.  It was tense.


Polls & Up The Pole (I Must Be)

6 Mar
Six degrees of separation.

Image via Wikipedia

Results are in!

According to my readers, the correct definition of the word eubodicly is:

A particularly successful bowel motion

That’s about your level, I guess.

Did I mention that mine was the vote that tipped the balance?


You guys are cheats, or I am slow: there is no six degrees of separation now that Google is King.  Many of you found Shanea Vernon by typing her name and clicking search.  Have you no romance in your internet-withered souls?

Well done to Aquatom, at least, who knows Kevin Bacon via the movie Mystic River, which he hasn’t seen (it’s too complicated to explain; read his comment here).

I emailed my friend to ask her to get her Louse to check the business card for details (which I did not want to do, believing that the six degree thing was more fun.  Apparently I’m alone in that), and it is indeed the Shanea Vernon who works for Entertainmentpc, though she is now the managing member, not a sales representative.  I think it is party planning.

I have requested to become her friend on Facebook.  If she accepts, and I don’t get locked up for stalking, I’ll explain to her how a stranger in Stockport came to know of her existence on the other side of the world, and proceeded to tell the whole world about her.  If I’m still not locked up for stalking, I believe she’ll be happy, because any publicity is good publicity, right?  Right?

Where’s my orange jumpsuit?

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