I had an email from Facebook: ‘Today is Alex Cosgriff’s birthday.’
To be honest, I was offended; as if I need some mindless, faceless mass to tell me the date my child was born.
Get lost, Facebook.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Uh…oh…um…nearly forgot: happy birthday, Spud.
Some not particularly funny jokes about Facebook:
Some so-so Facebook statuses:
Some late night jokes about Facebook:
From the archive:
*
The Hub was explaining to me last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
I said, ‘I’d like to come back as a cow.’
He said, ‘You’re obviously not listening.’
*
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.
*
I’m in trouble with the wife. We were in bed and she asked what I would like to do most with her body.
Apparently, “Identify it” wasn’t the right answer.
*
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
*
Velcro – what a rip-off.
*
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job?
She couldn’t control her pupils.
Happy Furry Friday, folks! (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Friday Facebook & Twitter Statuses
If this doesn’t make you all gooey, you have a heart of stone and you’re in the wrong blog:
Thanks to my friend Pam for sharing it on Facebook.
Some recent Facebook posts which I want to share with you:
And this one, made especially for me by my friend Pam. Thanks Pam!
Funny Church Signs (Photo credit: au_tiger01)
You know how I like sharing church bulletin errors for my daily joke?
I may be in the next one.
My church is made up of three congregations which merged two years ago. When it became clear that the Vicar, David, was going to implode under the weight of the work, seven ministries were set up to help him. I am the team leader for our Communications Ministry (hey, desperation makes even the likes of me look attractive).
Tomorrow night, we have a Ministry Teams Leaders’ meeting at the vicarage, at which we will most definitely, absolutely and certainly not complain (it is vital that you know this, because of what follows). We have nothing – and no-one, especially not vicars – to complain about, because we all love what we do and don’t need paying for it, not even one hundredth of a dong (you don’t believe me? So xu me).
One of my jobs is to post details of our activities on Facebook. If you are not on Facebook, I’d better explain something: when you type Such and such is happening @ such and such, the @ causes Facebook to offer names for you to link to, and puts it in the appropriate spot. I always ignore them. Or so I thought…
Today’s Facebook post – check Tuesday at 19:30:
But you know what really incensed me? The space I created between tomorrow night’s meeting and Wednesday’s date disappeared.
Formatting errors – now that is a crime.
*
Previous Two Words:
Weltschmerz: sentimental pessimism. Kind of how I feel every time I read my friends’ Facebook statuses.
Vilipend: to regard or treat as of little value or account. What I just did to my Facebook friends, right before they all de-friended me.
We haven’t had a news round-up in a while. It’s all about animals today, from The Telegraph website. Visit the site for full details.
Giant Rabbit Sees Off Burglar
A family’s pet rabbit disturbed a burglar and made such a racket, he frightened the thief away.
The rabbit sleeps in a labrador cage in the house. He was pretty shaken up and tried to go for a policeman who came to investigate.
I’ve never liked rabbits since I took Tory Boy on a pre-school trip to a local farm and we were warned not to let the children put their fingers through the bars because the rabbits often mistake them for carrots…
Owl Radiates Anxiety
This poor bird was hit by a car and became trapped in the grille for 24 hours. Fortunately, observant motorists (not the driver, obviously) spotted it and it was rescued, unharmed.
How Much Is That Doggie In The Window Annoying You?
This story sounds amusing but it’s really not: a woman suffering a form of tinnitus known as musical hallucination has heard the song, How Much Is That Doggie In The Window? in her head for three solid years.
And now you will too:
And Finally…
I came across this one on Facebook. It’s a hamster who likes to play dead:
My friend Pam shared this on Facebook yesterday. It’s not her cat, by the way.
When I read this on Twitter today about my home town, I thought, ‘Oh no!’
They even had video:
I just read this on Facebook:
Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk but only one of them knows about it.
A couple of weeks ago, we received a reminder card through the post that Toby and Molly were due to have their booster jabs. There was also an offer to download a money-off coupon. The Hub phoned the vet, made the appointment, and off we went yesterday.
They had no record of our appointment but fitted us in anyway. Turns out Toby didn’t have his booster last year because, at the time we took the dogs, his lesions had returned, he needed antibiotics and he couldn’t have the booster at the same time. He was injected several times at several appointments and we had thought as we cried into our wallets that one of those was his booster jab.
Never mind – at least we had the money off coupons to make it a little easier this time.
No, we didn’t. The coupons weren’t valid for this particular branch.
We came away unimpressed yesterday – not only had our beloved dog been unprotected for a year, he needed to start a whole new course of immunisations at a boosted price, they wouldn’t accept our coupons and they hadn’t even known we were going to turn up despite the Hub making the appointment a week earlier.
When we got home there was a message on the answering machine:
Hello! This is anonymous from another vet’s. Toby and Molly missed their appointment for their boosters today. If you would like to make another appointment, please call back on number given.
The Hub had made the appointment and downloaded the coupons for one vet’s practice, but we had visited another.
Bad Mood Today? (Photo credit: Frank Wuestefeld)
I wrote this on Facebook yesterday:
Writing workshop this morning; eldest son home this afternoon; Dr Who tonight. Can this day get any better?!!
(Without the italics, of course; Facebook seems to be averse to correct punctuation. I don’t understand that(.
My friend posted this reply:
Workshop – awesome. Your son visiting – epic. Dr Who – not on until Christmas. Gutted 😦
I was gutted, too. She compensated by:
I’d forgotten that British TV now does that stupid season break thing. America, I love you, but what’s with that? Why can’t your TV shows act in a civilised manner and air until they are finished? Lucky for you I’ve got extra Maltesers and I wrote nine poems yesterday, or I’d be a tad grumpy.
Now I am grumpy – what an irritating word ‘tad’ is. I can’t believe I used it.
Time for a quick Malteser fix, I think.
Malteser (Photo credit: Olaf_S)
…peel off the chocolate…allow the malt to tease my taste buds…swig of Earl Grey…aaahh! My universe has righted itself.
That was the moment Hub chose to break it to me that eldest son was not coming home yesterday (I hadn’t noticed, being high on chocolate and poetry).
Someone pass me a dictionary; my mood is a tad violent….
Carrots of many colors. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
I am friends with my cousin’s wife in New Zealand. She is a funny lady. Putting on my stalker hat, I started saving her Facebook statuses because they make me laugh.
A condition of the restraining order is that I be allowed to share them with you.
*
*
**
*
*
*
*
*
If you know of an interesting Facebook status, do share it!
Spud taught me how to download pictures from Facebook!
Shakespeare does the Hokey-Cokey:
*
**
A recent Facebook status written by Spud:
“The thing about quotes on the internet is that you cannot confirm their validity.” – Abraham Lincoln.
*
**
The photographs of my poems from the Bolton Arts Trail post are too small for you to read. If you are interested, I posted them on my poetry blog.
**
*
And finally:
The name of a spammer in my spam box today – possibly my favourite piece of spam ever:
Home made penis extenders
My mind has never been so boggled. Roll out the chopsticks!
*
*
*
*
Thanks to Katherine Trauger‘s son for this one.
Announcement!
In the near-future, FaceBook, Twitter and You Tube are to merge.
The new company will be known as YouTwitFace.
*
*
I got this one off Facebook. It has its uses.
The past, the present and the future walk into a bar. It was tense.
*
Image via Wikipedia
Results are in!
According to my readers, the correct definition of the word eubodicly is:
A particularly successful bowel motion
That’s about your level, I guess.
Did I mention that mine was the vote that tipped the balance?
*
You guys are cheats, or I am slow: there is no six degrees of separation now that Google is King. Many of you found Shanea Vernon by typing her name and clicking search. Have you no romance in your internet-withered souls?
Well done to Aquatom, at least, who knows Kevin Bacon via the movie Mystic River, which he hasn’t seen (it’s too complicated to explain; read his comment here).
I emailed my friend to ask her to get her Louse to check the business card for details (which I did not want to do, believing that the six degree thing was more fun. Apparently I’m alone in that), and it is indeed the Shanea Vernon who works for Entertainmentpc, though she is now the managing member, not a sales representative. I think it is party planning.
I have requested to become her friend on Facebook. If she accepts, and I don’t get locked up for stalking, I’ll explain to her how a stranger in Stockport came to know of her existence on the other side of the world, and proceeded to tell the whole world about her. If I’m still not locked up for stalking, I believe she’ll be happy, because any publicity is good publicity, right? Right?
Where’s my orange jumpsuit?
I am a little fat. I like food; what can I say? I have dull hair: mousey. I don’t wear much make-up and have no need of a dressing table. If I look like a bag lady, I chose my own clothes. If I look nice, the Hub picked them for me. Despite all this, I am a little vain. This photograph is from 2003. I had to go back that far to find one of me that I liked. But I don’t really care: my husband still thinks I’m beautiful and if he doesn’t, he loves me enough to lie about it. I’m lucky. I have two boys. They never lie to me. Still, you can't have everything.
The Laughing Housewife 
I have the funniest readers in the blogosphere (not necessarily ha ha…)