The Beginning Of The Enderverse

Regular readers of this blog know, having been told over and over (and assuming that they were paying attention), that Ender’s Game by Scorson Ott card…let me re-type that, I’m so excited!…by Orson Scott Card, is my Desert Island Book. Assuming, that is, that they give you a book on top of the Bible and The Complete Works of Shakespeare.  If not, I might have to take it as my luxury item instead of the giant vat of Vaseline I had set my heart upon.

Vaseline is fabulous:

• Lubricant: to grease rusted screws from washed-up airplane parts that I can turn into three-storey homes and life rafts
• Skin softener: to protect me from the harsh elements
• Lip salve: Vaseline’s most vital function in my own universe: have you ever tried smiling at strangers when your lips are cracked?  Don’t.  It frightens them
• Frying grease: I’ll need all my fat stores, obviously, because I can’t hunt or grow vegetables.  My best hope will be to eat suicidal sharks.  I’ve eaten shark.  It tastes fishy.  But I don’t do sushi, hence the Vaseline.  Fat stores are the reason I don’t diet – in case of desert island castawaying.  I find a good precaution is never wasted
• Sore sealant: it’s what they put on boxers’ cuts to stop the blood obscuring their vision as they pound each other to pulp.  Which brings me back to Ender’s Game:

My beloved eldest son (this month’s favourite child as a result of what I’m about to tell you) sent me a link yesterday: the film of the book is FINALLY made!

The book was written in 1985 and is beloved around the world, but various attempts to film it were defeated because the Battle Room was just too difficult to turn into hard copy.

Thankfully, CGI is now so sophisticated, the dream has become reality. Imaginary reality, of course, but you get my drift.  Remember – the enemy’s gate is down!

I’m sure it won’t be the only book in the series to be filmed, but I do hope they go the Bean route rather than the Ender route.

You don’t know what I’m talking about, but I don’t care: I’m happy in my own little world.  Unlike poor Ender, a lonely child soldier.

Dystopian futures – I love ’em.  Ho!

 

 

My Top Ten Movies

I had a toss and turn sort of night and if I got three hours of sleep, it was a miracle.  Consequently, I have an excuse for reposting this from two years ago.   

Be warned: the colour-coded asterisks are back.  Forgive mezzzzzzzzzz………

Insomnia smiley (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Okay, I’d better start by admitting that there are actually fifteen films on the list.  I did manage to rate them but I couldn’t leave out the last four; I can’t hurt their feelings, I’m afraid.  And yes, I know celluloid/digital things don’t have feelings…I suppose my anthropomorphism* of them comes from the same logic that led me to never say in my mind the code of the padlock to the outside bin cupboard in case identity thieves or secret government agencies read my mind** and accessed my shredded documents and potato peelings.  I only stopped doing it when it occurred to me that if the government has the power to read minds then they could probably get past a three-for-a-pound padlock without too much difficulty.  It was about that time I also decided to stop wearing the foil hat.

The List:

• Terminator & Terminator 2 – T1 because it’s the greatest love story ever told and T2 because it’s the story of a mother’s love and redemption.  The fact that there’s loads of violence is simply a fortunate coincidence.  I never watched a violent movie until I saw T1: we were newlyweds living in a flat in Jo’burg and my brother and his girlfriend came to stay, bringing movies that had blood and guts but no romance, I thought, including Mad Max (if ever there was a prescient name for Mr Gibson, that’s it) and The Terminator.  I didn’t want to watch any of them but I was a new hostess and soppy in love with the Hub back then, and allowed myself to be persuaded.  I’m so glad I did.  I was glued to the screen (my brother’s a great practical joker) and I have loved T1 ever since.
• Love Actually – what’s not to love, actually?  Great ensemble cast, interwoven characters, humour, pathos, the best wedding scene in the history of film, and Hugh Grant calling Margaret Thatcher ‘a saucy minx’.
• It’s A Wonderful Life – the best Christmas film ever made.  We made the boys watch it with us one Christmas Day.  Tory Boy protested loudly right up to the first five minutes in (particularly that it was in black & white), and then became engrossed in the film and outraged at George Bailey’s rotten luck and unfair shake at the world.  I’ve only ever seen him that indignant over a scratched dvd, so it was quite a conversion.
• Forrest Gump & Field Of Dreams – I’ve read both of the books on which the films were based and much prefer the movies.  Forrest, Forrest Gump is an ‘idiot savant’*** and gets to hump a lot and Shoeless Joe Jackson is no Ray Liotta.  Mind you, neither is Ray Liotta these days: have you seen his face?  Euggh.  Why people have plastic surgery thinking it will fix growing old is beyond me.   
• The Muppet Christmas Carol – the best Christmas film ever made: ‘Light the lamp, not the rat!  Light the lamp, not the rat!’  Brilliant!
• Signs – M. Night Shyamalammmmm is a genius and I hope one day to be able to shake his hand and ask him, ‘How do you pronounce your surname?’  This film is the most scared I like to be, and it terrifies me every time I watch it even though I know the ending.  Which makes me about as bright as a dog who attacks his own leg.
• The Last of the Mohicans – the one with Daniel Day Lewis.  It’s the only film in which I ever thought he was attractive; I guess I must like my men with long hair and wearing smelly moccasins.  We drove 100kms to watch this on our tenth wedding anniversary.  Mum babysat Tory Boy and we went for a meal and a movie.  I didn’t want to see it but the Hub was desperate, it was on its last week in cinemas, and I was still somewhat in love.  Of course, it was Terminator 1 all over again, but without the annoying sibling.  I once watched it on M-Net three times in one week.
• You’ve Got Mail – the best three little words ever (I’ve been married a long time).  Although, here in Britain it is, ‘You have mail, sir,’ from our butler.  We Brits tend to be more formal.
• The Sound of Music – singing nuns and singing Nazis?  You’d have to be daft not to love it.
• Moulin Rouge – any film that contains an Elephant Love Medley and an unconscious Argentinian gets my vote.
• The Santa Clause – the best Christmas film ever made.  I love it.  Are you sensing a pattern?  All of these Christmas movies bang on about the spirit of Christmas and the true meaning of Christmas without once mentioning the story of Christmas.  But hey, that’s Christmas for you.
• Joseph and the Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat – Donny Osmond.  Sigh.
• The Untouchables – Kevin Costner in a mac and Sean Connery in the worst Irish accent ever, plus a fabulous soundtrack.  I love it.

And there you have it.**** 

Now, what does my list say about me? 

It says that I have an obsession with Christmas, I love musicals and violence is fun.  It says I like Kevin Costner, Tom Hanks, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Rizzo the Rat i.e. I don’t have a type.  Therefore, my favourite all-time film would be a violent musical about Christmas, starring the thinking woman’s beefcake rodent.

*A word used deliberately to dispel the scurrilous rumour that my readers are all better read than I am.

**Not as nutty as it sounds; there’s not much in there.

***I use inverted commas because I’m quoting from the book.  I’m not sure in this pc world of ours if this term is still in use; though I have to say this is one time I’m in favour of political correctness because it’s a horrible way to describe someone.  If anyone knows another term, I’d appreciate you leaving a comment letting me know, and I’ll change it.

****Not quite: I desperately wanted to include Scrooged but a Top Ten stretched to sixteen and starring four Christmas films was a step too far, I’m afraid.  Carol Kane’s kicking fairy will have to go on another list: Mythical Film Creatures or, Why I Don’t Have Any Friends.

Now tell me about your favourite movies, please.  I’d love to know, in case I missed a good ‘un.  And what do you think your list says about you?

Joke 595

From ajokeaday.com.

Password (game show) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Fifteen things we wouldn’t know if it wasn’t for the movies

1. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

2. You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

3. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

4. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

5. If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in their most diaphanous underwear, which is just what they happened to be carrying with them at the time the car broke down.

6. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

7. If someone says, “I’ll be right back”, they won’t.

8. Computer monitors never display a cursor on screen but always say: Enter Password Now.

9. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations. And none of your friends have to knock when they come for a visit.

10. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

11. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.

12. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

13. If you decide to start dancing in the street everyone around you will automatically be able to mirror all the steps you come up with and hear the music in your head.

14. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

15. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

And one that I noticed myself: no matter how large the house in which a single person lives, guests always sleep on the couch.

101/1001 (Week 67)

Time for a challenge update.

Find 26 unfamiliar words, one for each letter of the alphabet; then use them in a post a day for 26 days. (Words: 23/26)

I still need words for the letters J/U/Y.  Any more ideas? 

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Make thirty submissions to competitions or publishers (21/30)

I’ve made three in the last seven weeks.  One you know about – the Bolton Arts Trail; I’ve been shortlisted for another.  I can’t remember what the third was but you know that if I get good news, I’ll share it. 

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Bridesmaids (2011 film) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Watch 101 new films (63/101)

I’ve seen five films new to me since my last 101 post.  I can only remember two: Bridesmaids, which was amusing in parts but over-hyped; I don’t know what all the fuss was about.  I did think the main character had an underlying sweetness to her, which redeemed the gross-out parts, but I doubt I’ll watch it again.  It’s no You’ve Got Mail.  Now there’s a romcom worthy of the name.

The other was Repeaters:  it was Groundhog Day with drugs and guns.  I thought it was an interesting study of living a life with no consequences.  But I won’t watch it again.

*

Some of my failed/not yet tackled challenges:

• Find another 64 challenges for the list. (32/64) All suggestions gratefully received but not necessarily acted upon. I’m a wimp.
• Get a job.
• Save £1 for each completed task. Once I get £101 together, I can treat my family. £1 per task is my limit because, as the saying goes, there’s always too much month at the end of the money. (0/101)
• Do a REAL spring clean.
• Leave my poems in 101 locations. (0/101)
• Answer all comments received in one day with song lyrics.
• Walk the dogs for 1001 hours (338.55/1001)

My miserable lack of success in these areas can be blamed on the rain and/or the recession.  You try walking two reluctant Yorkies in a downpour and see how long you spend in the dog box.

I still need 32 challenges for the next eighteen months.  If you have one that is cheap, free or fun and cheap/free, let me know.

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I have completed three challenges:

Blog 1111 times (1115/1111)

I claimed to have done this in my last 101 post, but my maths was faulty: 1017 is less than 1111, not greater than. I have posted 98 times in the last seven weeks, however, so I really have met the target this time.

What should my new target be, do you think? Before you start toying with me, bear in mind that you have to read any posts I write…

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Learn how to scan photos for my blog.

I can’t believe I did this, but I did. Here’s proof:

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Not play on King.com for a total of 101 days (101/101)

Day 101 was yesterday.  It was not the triumph I had envisaged: when I set this task for myself, I was addicted to King.com.  Now I am addicted to blogging and don’t play many games.  Maybe I should set a task of not blogging for a total of 101 days…

As if!

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Film Review: The Dictator

I’d better come clean up front and tell you that I haven’t seen it.  Don’t be cross – at least I can’t accidentally give anything away.

The Hub and Spud have seen it, however, and here are their reviews:

Spud [16]

It was brilliant – really funny – do you remember that bit, Dad, when – aw, Mum, you should have come with us, it was hilarious.  There was this one bit – it was so funny, I couldn’t stop laughing – I can’t wait to see it again – it was hilarious…

And that’s all I’ve heard since Wednesday.

Hub [47]

Yeah, it was okay.

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Joke 345

FromWill & Guy.

Unexpected Knowledge Gained From the Movies

• During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
• All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
• The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
• Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
• When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
• A wall light switch will turn off every lamp in the room.
• All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
• Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don’t worry about which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
• It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts – your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
• A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

POSTSCRIPT

Tinman posted these in the comments.  They are too good not to share.

No matter how loudly a police car sounds its siren, a truck will always back out into its path while it is in pursuit of another car.

The more a couple dislike each other at the start of the a film the more certain it is that they will get off with each other before the end.

No-one ever has to unlock their cars before they get in to them.

A driver whose brakes have failed will always stamp the brake pedal several times, just in case they suddenly decide to come back on.

Any police officer who says “just two days to go to retirement” should just shoot himself and save the bad guys the trouble.

Twilight: A Real Horror Movie

I don’t watch horror movies; I watch few suspense movies; thrillers?  Not at all.  I don’t like feeling frightened.  I don’t read scary books.  I had to forego my daily dose of the excellent Kate Shrewsday over Christmas, because she wrote a three-day ghost story.  The Muppet Christmas Carol is as ghostly as it gets for me.

So vampires…forget it!  The Hub, before he fully understood my need to live in a bubble of niceness, made me watch Scream and Interview With The Vampire.  Being clutched from behind in the middle of a deep sleep in the middle of the night by a terrified wife who woke up and hallucinated giant spiders and pretty vampires and knife-wielding masked men gave him so many near-heart attacks that he decided to stop my film-nasties education, and never resumed it.  Particularly after the night I jumped out of bed, screaming ‘Fire!  Fire!’, having watched The Towering Inferno at last, because ‘it is a classic’, and he realised he was living in a nightmare of his own making. 

Cover of Twilight (Two-Disc Special Edition)

 

The Hub likes the Twilight movies.  I bought him the trilogy box set for Christmas, to the amusement of our sons, who laughed at him for being a teenage girl and offered to buy him a Robert Pattinson poster for his wall.

The Hub made me watch the first one.  He assured me I would love it; it wasn’t frightening.  He promised.  He swore.  He was right.  It wasn’t frightening.  I did love it.  It was a romance between a lonely teenage girl and one of the undead.  What could be more natural?

Robert Pattinson was sexy in Twilight; I’ll admit.  It’s not pervy of me to think that because he was seventeen in 1918 which makes him 110 by my reckoning; and that makes him the perv, if you think about it: chasing after a teenage girl.

He was brooding and dark and all of those things women like in a fictional man.  Not so much fun when you have to live with it, I imagine.  Edward (RP) wants Bella (Kristen Stewart); he enters her room while she’s asleep, and watches her.  Just stands there and watches her.  He doesn’t sleep, you see; so that’s okay then.  He follows her, but that’s all right because if he didn’t follow her, he couldn’t save her from the nasty gang of young men who have horrid thoughts about her.  Better the devil you know, I suppose.

Bella is much safer with Edward, because he will protect her from the really mean undead who want to dine on her.  Too bad he’s the one who exposed her to them in the first place.  And it’s fine that he tells her he can’t promise never to kill her, because she trusts him, you see; she loves him.

I loved this film; I did.  I’m eager to watch the sequels.  The Hub was right: it was a romance; it wasn’t frightening.  In the conventional sense.

But sending out the message to impressionable young women that it’s okay to love a man who stalks you and who tells you he might kill you one day?  That’s a real horror story.

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Postscript

Creating Reciprocity left such a great quote in the comments, I have added it here:

Harry Potter is about confronting fears, finding inner strength and doing what is right in the face of adversity. Twilight is about how important it is to have a boyfriend. 

Stephen King

101/1001 (1)

Sarsm had a good idea: let’s do 101 challenges in 1001 days.  I didn’t think it was a good idea at first (too much like hard work), but I’m always banging on about grabbing opportunities so I thought I’d better grab this one and hold it gingerly by the fingertips and see what happened.  Once I’d hit on my first challenge and was able to start with something already done, I began to warm to it. 

This is how blogging about the challenge is going to work: I’ll put a copy of this post on its own page, for reference; I’ll update it regularly.  When I do something interesting relating to the challenges, I’ll blog about it as normal.  When I’ve completed a challenge, I’ll highlight it in red and bold. 

1. Accept a challenge I don’t really want to do.
2. Find another 64 challenges for the list.  (0/64) All suggestions gratefully received but not necessarily acted upon.  I’m a wimp.
3. Get a job.
4. Hit 100,000 visitors on my blog (39,036/100000)
5. Learn how to upload new photos from the camera to the computer for my blog instead of relying on the Hub.  I’ve been blogging for almost two years; I think it’s time.
6. Learn how to scan photos for my blog  See comment in Challenge 5.
7. Hug a stranger.
8. Submit thirty poems to competitions or publishers (0/30)
9. Blog 1111 times (1/1111) I don’t think this one is really a challenge for me but I need some that are achievable to keep me going.
10. Try out three new recipes (0/3)  To make up for the last one, this is a huge challenge: I hate cooking; I hate new recipes more than I hate cooking.
11. Try three new foods (0/3)  I’m not adventurous with food but trying new ones is how I discovered peppers, my favourite vegetable, so I’ll give it a go.
12. Read thirty books (0/30)  I lost the habit of reading for pleasure while studying for my degree.  I’m looking forward to this one.
13. Watch 101 new films (0/101)
14. Tell a joke every day for the next 1001 days (0/1001)
15. Visit five new museums/galleries (0/5)  This will be harder than it sounds because I’ve visited all the local ones and travel finances are restricted.
16. Make home-made lemonade. 
17. Manage ten real sit-ups.  Never ever managed it in 47 years of life.
18. Manage twenty real sit-ups.  I was going to make this a challenge on its own but I need to do it in baby steps; I did consider the challenge, ‘Manage 5 real sit-ups.’
19. Write 101 new poems (0/101)
20. Get 101 different flags visiting my blog (134/101) This was a little easier than I expected; I just went to the flag counter and I’ve already had 134 flags visit even before I start the challenge.  So, to make it harder and make up this list…
21. Get 101 different countries visiting my blog (78/101)
22. Save £1 for each completed task.  Once I get £101 together, I can treat my family.  £1 per task is my limit because, as the saying goes, there’s always too much month at the end of the money.
23. Finish editing SA Poems.
24. Send off SA Poems to a publisher.
25. Start learning to play the guitar.
26. Buy a guitar.
27. Walk the dogs for 1001 hours (0/1001)
28. Lose some weight: more than a little; less than a lot.  This is deliberately non-specific because I don’t care enough to work that hard at it, but I could do with shifting a couple of kilos for my health now I’m approaching heart attack season (I suddenly realised the other day that in fifteen years I’ll be 62 – that was enough to give me a heart attack there and then).
29. Go back to computer school.
30. Get the first series of Glee on dvd.
31. Mention Maltesers in my blog for 10 consecutive days (0/10)
32. Don’t mention Maltesers in my blog for 10 consecutive days (0/10)
33. Go to the theatre.
34. Reach 13000 comments on my blog (5204/13000)
35. Learn all the words to the South African National Anthem.  I did start to learn it for the World Cup last year but I never quite got there.  When I know it, I will post a video of me singing it with my eyes closed, to prove I know it.  It will have to be with me singing along, though, if you want some tune to it. 
36. Learn how to post videos on my blog.
37. Decorate our bedroom.  We’ve been in this house 14 years and it has never been decorated (if I discount the sticky-back plastic).

As you can see, my list falls somewhat short of 101 things to do so if you have any decent/amusing suggestions, I’m all ears.

By the way, if you think this sounds like a fun thing to do, why not join us?  You tailor the tasks to yourself and set your own start date.  You’ll love it.  We have a badge and everything! 

At The Movies

Image via Wikipedia

I’ve just watched The Time Traveler’s Wife. 

But he knew that.