Joke 866

• Why are fish no good at tennis?   They don’t like to get too close to the net
  

  Funny Fish Cartoon (Photo credit: Mr. Daniel Ted Feliciano)

• Why did the optician go ice fishing?   He had perfect ice sight
• There was an awful fight at the seafood restaurant.  Four fish got battered
• What lies at the bottom of the sea and shakes?   A nervous wreck
• What do you call a man with a large flatfish on his head?   Ray
• What side of a fish has the most scales?   The outside
• How do you post a fish?   You send it COD…or first bass mail
• What do you use to cut the ocean?   A seasaw
• Where do you go to meet the best fish?    It doesn’t matter – any old plaice will do
• What kind of a fish does a Parrot sit on?   A Perch
• What is a knight’s favourite fish?   A swordfish
• What fish is best to have in a boat?   A Sailfish
• How do you get around fast on the bottom of the sea?   Skates
• How do a group of dolphins make a decision?   Flipper coin
• Does a dolphin ever do something by accident?   No, they do everything on porpoise

From photosbykev

 

Joke 780

Fishing for Youths (Photo credit: djwudi)

Far, far away, in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea.  One was called Justin and the other was named Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally, one day, Justin said to Christian, “I’m fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn’t have any worries about being eaten.”

A large, mysterious cod appeared and said, “Your wish is granted.”

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his friend.

Time passed and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.  All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them, because of his menacing appearance.

While swimming alone one day, he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back.  He approached the cod and begged for help and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into his former self.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.  Looking around the gathering at the reef, he realized he couldn’t see his old pal.

“Where’s Christian?” he asked.

“He’s at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark,” he was told.

Eager to put things right, Justin went to find his friend.  He banged on the door and shouted, “It’s me, Justin, your old friend.  Come out and see me again.”

Christian replied, “No way, man, you’ll eat me. You’re a shark, the enemy, and I’ll not be tricked into being your dinner.”

Justin cried back, “No, I’m not. That was the old me.  I’ve changed!  I  found cod. I’m a prawn again, Christian.”

Thanks to Grannymar for this one!

 

Joke 767

Some smelly old jokes for you.

• What sea creatures always win in a fight?   Mussels.
• What fish goes up the river at 100mph?   A motor pike.
• How do you communicate with a fish?   You drop it a line.
• 1st kipper: ‘Smoking’s bad for you.’   2nd kipper: ‘It’s OK, I’ve been cured.’
• What kind of fish is useful in freezing weather?   Skate.
• Where are most fish found?   Between the head and the tail.
• What do fish sing to each other?   Salmon Chanted ‘Evening’.
• What do you get if you cross a trout with an apartment?   A flat fish.
• What is purple, lives in the sea and weighs 5000 pounds?   Moby Plum.

Thanks to photosbykev for these jokes.

Joke 687

Time for some old groaners:

Funny Fish Cartoon (Photo credit: Mr. Daniel Ted Feliciano)

• What did the sardine call the submarine?  A can of people
• What’s the difference between a fish and a piano?  You can’t tuna fish
• What do you call a dangerous fish who drinks too much?  A beer-a-cuda
• Where do fish parts come from?  Finland
• Which fish dresses the best?  The Swordfish – it always looks sharp
• What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?  Monkfish
• What kind of fish will help you hear better?  A herring aid
  

  fish (Photo credit: mary hodder)

• What do romantic fish sing to each other?  Salmon-chanted evening
• What do you call a big fish who makes you an offer you can’t refuse?  The Codfather
• Why is a swordfish’s nose 11 inches long?  If it were 12 inches long it would be a foot
• Which fish can perform operations?  A Sturgeon
• What’s a sea serpent’s favourite meal?  Fish and ships
• Where do fish wash?  In a river basin
• Why are fish so gullible?  They fall for things hook, line and sinker
• Where do little fishes go every morning?  To plaice school

fish on the old Barbies (Photo credit: forkergirl)

From photosbykev

We Are A Grandmother

Margaret Thatcher famously used the Royal ‘we’ when son Mark’s wife gave birth.

my male albino kribensis (Photo credit: sshingler)

We are a grandmother of a different sort; and I accidentally killed the little blighters.  About forty of them.

The Hub’s Kribensis gave birth.  An Albino Kribensis at that.  The Hub likes Kribensis because they care for their young instead of giving them a twelve-hour head start and then eating them.  He bought a special spawning net for a nursery, because the other fish don’t respect babydom when there’s the chance of a good meal.  The net floats near the top and is attached to the glass by suction pads.  The Hub is soppy over his fish.

When I put on the tank light the other morning, two of the Siamese Fighters appeared to be trapped between the tank wall and the net.  Fish need to keep swimming to breathe, something to do with the movement and the water creating their oxygen.  Here endeth the science lesson.

I pulled the net away and prodded the Fighters to make sure they were still alive. They swam away in a huff.   The Hub told me later that they don’t need to move as much as most fish and like to snuggle in that space from time to time.

I was rather pleased with my act of charity.  The net frame had come away from the suction pads but it still floated so I didn’t wake the Hub to fix it.

The Hub came downstairs a little later and did his usual fussing over the tanks, talking the baby talk he reserves for his millions of little fishies in his five – yes, five – tanks.  He got to the big tank last and exploded with angst-ridden rage: in the

My siamese fighter. (Photo credit: LHG Creative Photography)

nursery net he found a bloated Siamese Fighter, licking its lips and smiling smugly.

I don’t know why it was so smug – it missed the two baby Kribensis hiding in the corner.

It transpired that the nursery net had somehow come away from the suction pads and sunk just enough for the Siamese Fighter to jump in and participate in some fine dining.

I confess, I blanched.  I considered packing my handkerchief and stick and running away to the circus.  All that stopped me is that I don’t have a handkerchief big enough for my Malteser stash.

I blanched again.  I confessed.  I told my sorry story of mistaken heroics to the Hub, and he forgave me.  He’s like that.  It’s so annoying.

Several days later, I decided it was time to put the kitchen voile back up on the window.  I took it down for the Christmas lights and, once washed, stuck it in the ironing cupboard.  

The ironing cupboard holds the iron (three of them, for no reason that I can fathom; I’ve no idea where the other two came from), several tons of clean washing (always, no matter how much ironing I do which, okay, isn’t a lot, but even so…), bits of material that we kept from the many, many costumes our kids have worn on school activity days (Obi-Wan Kanobe?  Here’s an old brown blanket and a bit of Hub wizardry.  Punk rocker?  Let us just zip one up), sundry items like the sewing kit (never sewed anything), silver polish (never polished anything) and kitchen roll (never rolled around the kitc…oh, wait…blush).

I picked up the voile; it was rather small.  There was another piece, also rather small.  I put the two pieces together – talking of pieces, in church on Sunday, our vicar got the biggest laugh of the morning when the congregation read on the overhead projector, The piece of the Lord be always with you.  We wondered which piece it was – I put the two pieces together and there was a huge hole in the centre.

I’d no idea what had happened but I knew who to blame.  I didn’t want to rollick him when he had just woken up so I left a heart-shaped note and a snippet of voile stuck to the Hub’s mug when I took him his coffee.  It read: I love you but you are in BIG trouble.

He was pretty sheepish when he came downstairs because he realised what he’d done.  His explanation was that, when the Kribensis gave birth, his little catching net broke, it was late at night, and he needed to repair it quickly so that the other fish wouldn’t eat the babies.  He went in the ironing cupboard, found what he thought was a bit of spare material (what?  From the time one of the boys played a bride?) and the rest is history…

I haven’t forgiven him yet.  He finds that so annoying.

 

Joke 668

Red Fish Tsukiji Fish Market Tokyo (Photo credit: hitthatswitch)

Here are some fish puns for you.  Really bad ones.  Please send me some jokes; I’m scraping the fish barrel here.

*

Where does seaweed look for a job?

In the ‘Kelp-wanted’ ads

What do you call a naked fish?

Bare-a-cuda

Why are fish smarter than humans?

Ever seen a fish spend a fortune trying to hook a person?

What was the name of Tom Sawyer’s fish?

Huckleberry Fin

What was the Romanovs’ favorite fish?

Tsardines

From photosbykev

Joke 648

The worse fish (fake!) (Photo credit: The PIX-JOCKEY’s FAKE SHOW by Roberto Rizzato)

What kind of money do fishermen make?

Net profits

*
What do you get if you cross a salmon, a bird’s leg and a hand?

Birdsthigh fish fingers

*

What TV game show do fish like best?

Name That Tuna

*
Where do fish wash?

In a river basin

*

What do you call a literary fish?

Salmon Rushdie

*

What part of a fish weighs the most?

Its scales

*
What fish do road-menders use?

Pneumatic krill

*

Who sleeps at the bottom of the sea?

Jack the Kipper

 

Joke 646

There are two fish in a tank.

My 10G Fish Tank (Photo credit: Miwok.)

One turns to the other and says, “Do you know how to drive this?”

*

Thanks to Gabrielle Bryden for letting me use this one.

 

Joke 581

The Wishing Fish Clock in the Regent Shopping Arcade, Cheltenham, may be the world’s tallest mechanical clock. The vertical distance from the duck to the fish is 14 metres. It weighs 3 tons. On the hour the fish that is suspended under the clock revolves and blows out bubbles. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

From photosbykev.

*

Noah started building several arks for various parts of the animal kingdom.

One was a split level job for all the fish – a multi-storey carp ark.

*

*

Two parrots are sitting on a perch.

One says to the other, “Can you smell fish?”

*

*

What is dry on the outside, filled with water and blows up buildings?

A fish tank.

*

Joke 509

From jokesareawsome.com.

Fisherman (Photo credit: sergej zlahtic / serzz)

Many years ago, a fisherman and his wife had twin sons, but they didn’t know what to name them. The husband said, “Let’s just wait. If we wait long enough, the names will simply occur to us.”

After several weeks, they noticed something peculiar about the children. When left alone, one boy would face the sea, and the other would face inland.  “Let’s call the boys Toward and Away,” suggested the fisherman, and his wife agreed.

Years passed, and one day the fisherman told his adult sons, “It’s time that you learned how to make a living from the sea.”  The fisherman and his sons provisioned their ship and set sail for a three-month voyage.

At the voyage’s end, the fisherman returned alone.  “What happened?” his wife cried.

“We were barely one day out to sea,” the fisherman explained solemnly,”when Toward hooked a great fish.  Toward fought long and hard, but the fish was great and strong.  For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves, yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Toward was pulled over the side.  He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again.

“Oh dear!” the wife cried.  “What a huge fish that must have been!  What a terrible fish!  What a horrible fish!”

“Yes, it was,” her husband sadly replied, “but you should have seen the one that got Away.”

Joke 459

 

Goldfish (Photo credit: Miles Metcalfe)

A this-one-might-take-a-second from my friend Cliff.

 *

A man goes to the vet with his goldfish.  “It keeps having fits,” he tells the vet. 

The vet examines it then says, “It looks okay to me.”  

The man replies, “I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet.”

Joke 91

In order to show a profit, the floundering gourmet seafood restaurant was allowed to cook its books, since there is no accounting for taste.

http://www.punoftheday.com/pun/3875

My Fascist Goldfish

Here’s the thing: the Hub loves animals.  I think you know that.  He’s always mooning over the geese in the park; yesterday he trained three scared mothers and their even more scared offspring to not only feed the geese but to let them take the bread from their hands.  A good day’s work.

That would be fine if his love of animals stayed in the park, but it spills over into our home and makes the thing I hate most in the world: clutter.  We don’t have one gerbilarium, we have three, all different sizes.  We have seven bags of food that our dead gerbil will never eat.  We have three leads per dog and one spare in case we lose five; the dogs have two and five coats (Molly is nesh); boxes of dog treats; boxes of gerbil treats; and – and I really wish I was exaggerating here but I’m not – four huge binbags full of gerbil toys, courtesy of Freegle and car boot sales.  How sad that you can’t take it with you, or Callie would be the happiest gerbil in heaven and I would be the happiest housewife on earth. 

A cage the Hub built for the gerbils to exercise in. It's stuffed behind the couch now.

As well as all that, we have the fish.  You may remember I rescued Bill last year from his little plastic tank and his lonely existence.  The Hub approved so much that he immediately bought a proper tank and five other fish for company.  Bill is thriving, as are the other four (one was a weakling who couldn’t cut it in the big world, sadly).  So much so, they outgrew their tank and the Hub insisted we get them a bigger one.  To be fair, the small big tank was horribly dark and dank compared to the big big tank. 

The Hub replaced the stones with sand, bought more fresh plants, rocks and wood.  And four shrimp; ostensibly because ‘they’ll clean the tank’ but really because ‘they’re sooooo cute.’

The tank is lovely. 

But there was one horrible, unforeseen and appalling side-effect: if the fish can see us, we can see the fish.  Here’s Jock:

Or Adolf, as he’s now known.

Weakly Bulletin

What a busy week I have had. Monday was a public holiday and the Hub and I went to a boot sale and bought other people’s junk. Then we had two visitors bearing gifts, my blonde friend and my kind friend. My blonde friend had wrapped a large box in silver paper and filled it with all the silver items she could find, from tin foil to Silver Spoon sugar, and including a lovely picture frame and a gunk catcher for the sink. It was a thoughtful gift and very much appreciated. I am repaying her by confiscating her goldfish. Every time I visit I nag her to buy him some plants for his bowl and she never gets around to it so I told her I’m finding him a new home, which I have: he’s going to be with her mother’s fish, who lives with my nephew who has several. His name is Bob (the fish, not the nephew) and he has been alive for ever. I’m sure he’ll welcome the new fish with open gills.

My kind friend brought a massive bunch of flowers and an envelope containing £50 in Frankie & Benny’s gift vouchers. As the boys were not here, our plan for our anniversary was to get a Nando’s and a dvd, but all plans are subject to change when there’s free food going.

On Tuesday I started my work placement. I was given basic stuff to do but we all have to start somewhere and the morning flew by. After work (still gives me a rush to say things like that) I went to buy my interview outfit. Discretionary grants are available for people to buy suitable clothes; not working for twenty years comes under the general heading of Scruffbag In Desperate Need Of A Wardrobe, so I had no problems qualifying. I got a lovely herringbone suit, white blouse, shoes, and even a box of knee highs. By the way, I am shopping at BHS from now on: I have never before been into a clothes shop and found clothes that actually fit short, dumpy me without needing major alterations or a lot of safety pins. And it was reasonably priced.

Once I found what I wanted I had to have it written up, then I marched up the hill to the appropriate office to have it approved and then I marched back down again to retrieve my job-winning garments. It wasn’t worth going home because I had to be on Underbank at five-thirty to have my photograph taken with the other £100 Shop Local winners and a random councillor who squeezed to the front of the picture before asking us what the photo shoot was in aid of.

I had an hour or so to kill between engagements so I grabbed a cup of tea and a couple of crumpets from a coffee shop, to the rage of the cook, who yelled at the poor waitress for daring to serve me after four when he only had half an hour to clean up. Getting out of there before he started on me for taking too long to eat, I sat on a bench on Underbank and watched the drunks go by. I didn’t know I was going to do that because I had never before noticed the pub I was sitting opposite. A friendly guy about my age sat on the other end of the bench and interrupted my sudoku to tell me I was nice and it was nice to be nice so his dad always said and what was my name? really? he had a sister called Tilly and I was nice and I was nice looking and I had nice teeth* and it was nice that I was so nice. A much-tattooed man asked him for a light and then sat between us and the friendly guy turned to to him and said he had a nice earring and nice tattoos and what was his name? really? he had a brother called Pete and it was nice to be nice, wasn’t it? He really was a very nice man.

*That was when I knew he was drunk.

I was home for about an hour and then the Hub and I went out for our anniversary meal. We had a pizza starter then a rack of ribs for me and chicken & ribs with a steak side order for the Hub. I had apple & rhubarb crumble for afters. We held hands between courses and reminisced about our wedding and early days and then got into an argument about exactly what percentage of my ribs I had eaten. I still say it was eighty percent but the Hub says 66.6%, or two thirds, to give it its correct title. The meal came to £49.15 with our one drink each so we told the waiter he could keep the change.

Yesterday after work (heeheehee) I met the Hub in Edgeley and we spent some of our £100 on earrings (for me), dustpan and brush (for me; the Hub lives in hope), notebooks (for me), make up (for me), biscuits (for me and Toby), and tank plants (for Bob’s new friend). The Hub got to follow me round.

We met another Bob: the jeweller had two dogs. He told us one was called Ben and the other was Bob, his father. I said I thought Bob’s your uncle. The jeweller changed his mind about giving us discount.

Today I had my pre-interview (panic a lot and choose between eating dry bread for lunch or throwing up), interview (when I came out I thought it had gone well; now I realise I waffled the whole time and made a terrible impression) and post-interview (lie on the couch watching Britain’s Got Talent and decide that if I don’t get the job it’s not my suit’s fault).

And that has been my week so far. I can’t remember the last time I had as many engagements in one day as the Queen and I realise now she must lie on her couch in exhaustion and get Philip to bring her cups of Earl Grey and tell her she’s a brave little soldier, then give her lots of kisses and hugs and things. The British cure-all: tea and crumpet.