Tag Archives: Fish

Joke 866

6 Aug
  • Why are fish no good at tennis?   They don’t like to get too close to the net

    Funny Fish Cartoon

    Funny Fish Cartoon (Photo credit: Mr. Daniel Ted Feliciano)

  • Why did the optician go ice fishing?   He had perfect ice sight
  • There was an awful fight at the seafood restaurant.  Four fish got battered
  • What lies at the bottom of the sea and shakes?   A nervous wreck
  • What do you call a man with a large flatfish on his head?   Ray
  • What side of a fish has the most scales?   The outside
  • How do you post a fish?   You send it COD…or first bass mail
  • What do you use to cut the ocean?   A seasaw
  • Where do you go to meet the best fish?    It doesn’t matter – any old plaice will do
  • What kind of a fish does a Parrot sit on?   A Perch
  • What is a knight’s favourite fish?   A swordfish
  • What fish is best to have in a boat?   A Sailfish
  • How do you get around fast on the bottom of the sea?   Skates
  • How do a group of dolphins make a decision?   Flipper coin
  • Does a dolphin ever do something by accident?   No, they do everything on porpoise

From photosbykev

 

Joke 780

12 May
Fishing for Youths

Fishing for Youths (Photo credit: djwudi)

Far, far away, in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea.  One was called Justin and the other was named Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally, one day, Justin said to Christian, “I’m fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn’t have any worries about being eaten.”

A large, mysterious cod appeared and said, “Your wish is granted.”

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his friend.

Time passed and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.  All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them, because of his menacing appearance.

While swimming alone one day, he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back.  He approached the cod and begged for help and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into his former self.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.  Looking around the gathering at the reef, he realized he couldn’t see his old pal.

“Where’s Christian?” he asked.

“He’s at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark,” he was told.

Eager to put things right, Justin went to find his friend.  He banged on the door and shouted, “It’s me, Justin, your old friend.  Come out and see me again.”

Christian replied, “No way, man, you’ll eat me. You’re a shark, the enemy, and I’ll not be tricked into being your dinner.”

Justin cried back, “No, I’m not. That was the old me.  I’ve changed!  I  found cod. I’m a prawn again, Christian.”

Thanks to Grannymar for this one!

 

Joke 767

29 Apr

Some smelly old jokes for you.

  • What sea creatures always win in a fight?   Mussels.
  • What fish goes up the river at 100mph?   A motor pike.
  • How do you communicate with a fish?   You drop it a line.
  • 1st kipper: ‘Smoking’s bad for you.’   2nd kipper: ‘It’s OK, I’ve been cured.’
  • What kind of fish is useful in freezing weather?   Skate.
  • Where are most fish found?   Between the head and the tail.
  • What do fish sing to each other?   Salmon Chanted ‘Evening’.
  • What do you get if you cross a trout with an apartment?   A flat fish.
  • What is purple, lives in the sea and weighs 5000 pounds?   Moby Plum.

Thanks to photosbykev for these jokes.

Joke 687

8 Feb

Time for some old groaners:

Funny Fish Cartoon

Funny Fish Cartoon (Photo credit: Mr. Daniel Ted Feliciano)

  • What did the sardine call the submarine?  A can of people
  • What’s the difference between a fish and a piano?  You can’t tuna fish
  • What do you call a dangerous fish who drinks too much?  A beer-a-cuda
  • Where do fish parts come from?  Finland
  • Which fish dresses the best?  The Swordfish – it always looks sharp
  • What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?  Monkfish
  • What kind of fish will help you hear better?  A herring aid

    fish

    fish (Photo credit: mary hodder)

  • What do romantic fish sing to each other?  Salmon-chanted evening
  • What do you call a big fish who makes you an offer you can’t refuse?  The Codfather
  • Why is a swordfish’s nose 11 inches long?  If it were 12 inches long it would be a foot
  • Which fish can perform operations?  A Sturgeon
  • What’s a sea serpent’s favourite meal?  Fish and ships
  • Where do fish wash?  In a river basin
  • Why are fish so gullible?  They fall for things hook, line and sinker
  • Where do little fishes go every morning?  To plaice school
fish on the old Barbies

fish on the old Barbies (Photo credit: forkergirl)

From photosbykev

We Are A Grandmother

7 Feb

Margaret Thatcher famously used the Royal ‘we’ when son Mark’s wife gave birth.

my male albino kribensis

my male albino kribensis (Photo credit: sshingler)

We are a grandmother of a different sort; and I accidentally killed the little blighters.  About forty of them.

The Hub’s Kribensis gave birth.  An Albino Kribensis at that.  The Hub likes Kribensis because they care for their young instead of giving them a twelve-hour head start and then eating them.  He bought a special spawning net for a nursery, because the other fish don’t respect babydom when there’s the chance of a good meal.  The net floats near the top and is attached to the glass by suction pads.  The Hub is soppy over his fish.

When I put on the tank light the other morning, two of the Siamese Fighters appeared to be trapped between the tank wall and the net.  Fish need to keep swimming to breathe, something to do with the movement and the water creating their oxygen.  Here endeth the science lesson.

I pulled the net away and prodded the Fighters to make sure they were still alive. They swam away in a huff.   The Hub told me later that they don’t need to move as much as most fish and like to snuggle in that space from time to time.

I was rather pleased with my act of charity.  The net frame had come away from the suction pads but it still floated so I didn’t wake the Hub to fix it.

The Hub came downstairs a little later and did his usual fussing over the tanks, talking the baby talk he reserves for his millions of little fishies in his five – yes, five – tanks.  He got to the big tank last and exploded with angst-ridden rage: in the

My siamese fighter.

My siamese fighter. (Photo credit: LHG Creative Photography)

nursery net he found a bloated Siamese Fighter, licking its lips and smiling smugly.

I don’t know why it was so smug – it missed the two baby Kribensis hiding in the corner.

It transpired that the nursery net had somehow come away from the suction pads and sunk just enough for the Siamese Fighter to jump in and participate in some fine dining.

I confess, I blanched.  I considered packing my handkerchief and stick and running away to the circus.  All that stopped me is that I don’t have a handkerchief big enough for my Malteser stash.

I blanched again.  I confessed.  I told my sorry story of mistaken heroics to the Hub, and he forgave me.  He’s like that.  It’s so annoying.

Several days later, I decided it was time to put the kitchen voile back up on the window.  I took it down for the Christmas lights and, once washed, stuck it in the ironing cupboard.  

The ironing cupboard holds the iron (three of them, for no reason that I can fathom; I’ve no idea where the other two came from), several tons of clean washing (always, no matter how much ironing I do which, okay, isn’t a lot, but even so…), bits of material that we kept from the many, many costumes our kids have worn on school activity days (Obi-Wan Kanobe?  Here’s an old brown blanket and a bit of Hub wizardry.  Punk rocker?  Let us just zip one up), sundry items like the sewing kit (never sewed anything), silver polish (never polished anything) and kitchen roll (never rolled around the kitc…oh, wait…blush).

I picked up the voile; it was rather small.  There was another piece, also rather small.  I put the two pieces together – talking of pieces, in church on Sunday, our vicar got the biggest laugh of the morning when the congregation read on the overhead projector, The piece of the Lord be always with you.  We wondered which piece it was – I put the two pieces together and there was a huge hole in the centre.

I’d no idea what had happened but I knew who to blame.  I didn’t want to rollick him when he had just woken up so I left a heart-shaped note and a snippet of voile stuck to the Hub’s mug when I took him his coffee.  It read: I love you but you are in BIG trouble.

He was pretty sheepish when he came downstairs because he realised what he’d done.  His explanation was that, when the Kribensis gave birth, his little catching net broke, it was late at night, and he needed to repair it quickly so that the other fish wouldn’t eat the babies.  He went in the ironing cupboard, found what he thought was a bit of spare material (what?  From the time one of the boys played a bride?) and the rest is history…

I haven’t forgiven him yet.  He finds that so annoying.

 

Joke 668

20 Jan
Red Fish Tsukiji Fish Market Tokyo

Red Fish Tsukiji Fish Market Tokyo (Photo credit: hitthatswitch)

Here are some fish puns for you.  Really bad ones.  Please send me some jokes; I’m scraping the fish barrel here.

*

Where does seaweed look for a job?

In the ‘Kelp-wanted’ ads

What do you call a naked fish?

Bare-a-cuda

Why are fish smarter than humans?

Ever seen a fish spend a fortune trying to hook a person?

What was the name of Tom Sawyer’s fish?

Huckleberry Fin

What was the Romanovs’ favorite fish?

Tsardines

From photosbykev

Joke 648

31 Dec
The worse fish (fake!)

The worse fish (fake!) (Photo credit: The PIX-JOCKEY’s FAKE SHOW by Roberto Rizzato)

What kind of money do fishermen make?

Net profits

*
What do you get if you cross a salmon, a bird’s leg and a hand?

Birdsthigh fish fingers

*

What TV game show do fish like best?

Name That Tuna

*
Where do fish wash?

In a river basin

*

What do you call a literary fish?

Salmon Rushdie

*

What part of a fish weighs the most?

Its scales

*
What fish do road-menders use?

Pneumatic krill

*

Who sleeps at the bottom of the sea?

Jack the Kipper

 

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