No time to write so I’ll borrow instead. Read these somewhere on t’internet and thought I’d share.
A Joke
A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”
“No, go right ahead,” the woman replies.
The man stands, clears his throat, says, “Plethora,” and sits back down.
“Thanks,” the woman says, “that means a lot.”
From @AllieLia
A Happy Coincidence
From @invisibleman_17
Happy Friday!
A man walks into the doctor’s office. He has a banana stuck in one ear, celery in the other and a carrot up one nostril.
The man says, “Doc, this is terrible. What’s wrong with me?”
The doctor replies, “It’s obvious: you need to start eating sensibly.”
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Source: http://www.jokes4us.com/miscellaneousjokes/foodjokes/asparagusjokes.html
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That old, bad joke was really the introduction to the following funnies, which I lifted from Answer It’s blog:
You should think about visiting; her tagline is:
I’m a little behind in answering the daily prompts – about 93 prompts behind, if I’m honest. So here goes:
At noon today, take a pause in what you’re doing or thinking about. Make a note of it, and write a post about it later.
12:00 Mmm, lunch!
12:02: Mmm, lunch was delicious!
Hot dog eating a hot dog (Photo credit: interpunct)
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Head to your favorite online news source. Pick an article with a headline that grabs you. Now, write a short story based on the article.
From Sky News: Cannibalism Confirmed At Early US Settlements
Summary: Jamestown residents eat 14 year-old girl after difficult winter.
We’ve had a difficult winter, haven’t we Spud?
Mmm…lunch…
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What role does music play in your life?
It often accompanies lunch.
But what it really wants to do is direct.
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Read the story of Richard Parker and Tom Dudley. [Shipwrecked sailors dine on dying cabin boy] Is what Dudley did defensible? What would you have done?
I plead the Fifth. I will say, however, that if I had been there, which I quite possibly was because the report says Tilly succeeded in obtaining bail, that I’d have been cleared on the grounds that it would drive any Tilly insane to have to go for more than four hours without food.
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Invent a definition for the word “flangiprop,” then use the word in a post.
Flangiprop:
Hand banana in all his glory (Photo credit: Sappymoosetree)
Thanks to my friend Pam for forwarding this email doing the rounds.
funny_cats_a_023 (Photo credit: DrJohnBullas)
Some of you might be finding the Telly Tales rather jejune, so here’s a little something to brighten your day:
I found it on Kittybloger. If you like cats and, in particular, funny cats, it’s the blog for you.
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Yesterday’s word was ‘irrefragable’: not be disputed or contested.
I think it’s a good word; don’t you?
funny_cats_a_013 (Photo credit: DrJohnBullas)
Smile! (Photo credit: GREATONE!)
The searches which find my blog were rather dull in the run-up to Christmas, but they picked up again in January.
Here are some of my favourites.
You’ve Come To The Right Place
Makes Sense
Say What?
Donkey Butt (Photo credit: Gallery32/ Trina Baker)
I Heard What You Said But I Know What You Meant
Sounds Like A Good Idea
I’m Afraid To Ask
Weird And He Can’t Spell (You Just Know It’s A ‘He’)
Being a parent changes everything. But being a parent also changes with each baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child is different from having your first.
English: A sleeping male baby with his arm extended (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Your Clothes
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your pregnancy is confirmed.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
Preparing for the Birth
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don’t bother practising because you remember that last time, breathing didn’t do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
The Layette
1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn’s clothes, colour-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby’s little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can’t they?
Worries
1st baby: At the first sign of distress – a whimper, a frown – you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
Dummy/Pacifier
1st baby: If the dummy falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the dummy falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby’s bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
Nappies/Diapers
1st baby: You change your baby’s nappies every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their nappy every 2 to 3 hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their nappy before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
Activities
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, BabySwing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
Going Out
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
At Home
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn’t squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
To relieve it, I have gathered together some funny and/or interesting stuff. You can thank me by reciprocating in the comments with your own funny or interesting stuff.
This post first appeared three years ago. Fact.
Image via CrunchBase
From ajokeaday.com. I don’t know if it’s true, but it sure is amusing.
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At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles per gallon.
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General Motors released this statement:
Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?
Not only that, but…
Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought “Car95” or “CarNT”. But, then you would have to buy more seats.
Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
English: Logo of General Motors Corporation. Source: 2007_business_choice_bro_en.pdf (on GM website). (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single “general car default” warning light.
New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
The airbag system would say, “Are you sure?” before going off.
If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.
From ahajokes.
Duck Hunter (Photo credit: m3cfa)
An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog jumped into the water. He did not sink but instead, walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long: each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.
The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, “Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?”
“I sure did,” responded the pessimist. “He can’t swim.”
Miss Haxby is holding a newborn baby that is in an incubator at the Toronto Western Hospital in Toronto, Ont (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
From jokesabout.
Pregnancy Questions Part II
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour?
A: Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.
Q: What does it mean when the baby’s head is crowning?
A: It means you feel as thought not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Does labour cause hemorrhoids?
A: Labour causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q: Under what circumstances should a baby not be circumcised?
A: When it’s a girl, for starters.
Q: Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A: In your breasts.
Q: Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A: Yes, baby lips.
Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby’s mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
Q: How does one sanitize nipples?
A: Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.
Q: What are the terrible twos?
A: Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.
Q: Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A: Yes, but it’s much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby’s nappy very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
If you haven’t come across Tinman before, take a look at this post.
Among the words that the OED has added this year are Cryonaut, Five-second rule, Gastric Band, Sexting, Tinfoil Hat, and Yuck Factor….
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He was the essence of stressence as his eye ran down the list. Then he gave a long, loud humilolation, an onomatopoeic groan of humiliation and desolation.
None of the words he had submitted had made the new edition of the Dictionary.
Not Star-warrior, someone who willing to argue till death that Star Wars is better than Star Trek. Nor Spock-jock, such a person‘s deadliest foe.
Not whether-forecast, gambling on not bringing an umbrella to work. Nor screw-cut, refusing to cut your hair because you know it annoys your parents.
Not foot-soar, the feeling you get when you slip on something in a supermarket, nor bum-thrum, the annoying twinge that you feel for three days afterwards.
Not Hunger-Games-hunger, the hope that there will someday be another book…
View original post 181 more words
Linea nigra dark midline streak on a 22 weeks pregnant female. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
From jokesabout.
Pregnancy Questions Part I
Q: Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
A: Yes, but you’ll have a better chance if he doesn’t wear anything at all.
Q: Can a woman get pregnant from a toilet seat?
A: Yes, but the baby would be funny looking.
Q: What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A: Have sex once a year.
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true?
A: The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.
Q: Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A: Yes, your bladder.
Q: What is a chastity belt?
A: A labour-saving device.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My blood type is O-positive and my husband’s is A-negative. What if my baby is born, say, type AB-positive?
A: Then the jig is up.
Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: ‘Cause you’re fatter than they are.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
A: So what’s your question?
Q: Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labour?
A: When the sex is between your husband and another woman.
Q: What’s the difference between a nine-months pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold?
A: Nothing, if the pregnant woman’s husband knows what’s good for him.
Q: How long is the average woman in labour?
A: Whatever she says, divided by two.
Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you’re pregnant.
Teacher (Photo credit: tim ellis)
From jokesabout.
It was the end of the school year and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.
The florist’s son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, “I bet I know what it is. Some flowers.”
“That’s right,” the boy said, “but how did you know?”
“Oh, just a wild guess,” she said.
The next pupil was the candy shop owner’s daughter.
The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, “I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets.”
“That’s right, but how did you know?” asked the girl.
“Oh, just a wild guess,” said the teacher.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue.
“Is it wine?” she asked.
“No,” the boy replied, with some excitement.
The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue.
“Is it champagne?” she asked.
“No,” the boy replied, with more excitement.
The teacher took one more taste before declaring, “I give up, what is it?”
With great glee, the boy replied, “It’s a puppy!”
Wedding Reportage (Photo credit: flavio.leone)
Wedding Quotes from Will & Guy.
You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman
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Any husband who says, “My wife and I are completely equal partners,” is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge.
Bill Cosby
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I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewellery.
Rita Rudner
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My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
Henny Youngman
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My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield
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A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
Milton Berle
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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
George Burns
I am a little fat. I like food; what can I say? I have dull hair: mousey. I don’t wear much make-up and have no need of a dressing table. If I look like a bag lady, I chose my own clothes. If I look nice, the Hub picked them for me. Despite all this, I am a little vain. This photograph is from 2003. I had to go back that far to find one of me that I liked. But I don’t really care: my husband still thinks I’m beautiful and if he doesn’t, he loves me enough to lie about it. I’m lucky. I have two boys. They never lie to me. Still, you can't have everything.
The Laughing Housewife 
I have the funniest readers in the blogosphere (not necessarily ha ha…)