Joke 914

Cowslip (Primula veris) On the grass verge on May Day. According to legend, St Peter dropped the keys to Heaven and where they landed Cowslips grew (the flowers were thought to resemble a set of keys). Its name derives from “cowpat”, (Old English “cuslyppe”) from where Cowslips would spring up when they were common in the wild. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A good, rich man was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel heard his plea and appeared to him. “Sorry, but you can’t take your wealth with you.” The man implored the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continued to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappeared and informed the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathered his largest suitcase and filled it with pure gold bars; he placed it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man died and showed up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter  saw the suitcase and said, “Hold on, you can’t bring that in here!”

The man explained to St. Peter that he had permission and asked him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checked and came back saying, “You’re right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I’m supposed to check its contents before letting it through.”

St. Peter opened the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind.  He took one look and exclaimed, “You brought pavement?!”

 

Joke 867

Cartoon from dumpaday.com

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said was, “Don’t eat the forbidden fruit.” 

“Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve…we have forbidden fruit!”

“No way!”

“Yes way!”

“Do NOT eat the fruit!” said God. 

“Why?”

“Because I am your Father and I said so!” God replied, wondering why He hadn’t stopped creation after making the elephants. Some time later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!  “Didn’t I tell you not to eat the fruit?” God asked.

“Uh huh,” Adam replied. 

 “Then why did you?” said the Father.

“I don’t know,” said Eve.

“She started it!” Adam said.

“Did not!”

“Did too!”

“DID NOT!”

Having had it with the two of them, God’s punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

But there is reassurance in this story: if you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven’t taken it, don’t be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

*

Thanks to my friend Michelle for this one.

 

Joke 834

Funny Church Signs (Photo credit: au_tiger01)

A church was surrounded by grounds full of trees. This brought a problem. The squirrels from these grounds were fearlessly scooting around inside the church.

One day, a meeting was called to decide what to do about the pesky squirrels. After much prayer and consideration it was determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn’t interfere with God’s divine will.

Months passed and the problems grew more severe. There was a real danger of stepping on one inadvertently and squashing it under the feet.

A meeting was called again. After much deliberation, it was decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creation. They humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

More months passed. There was an unfortunate incident and a meeting was convened urgently. Suggestions flowed easily including one calling for a pied-piper. Finally they settled on an idea which might just work: they baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church.

It worked. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

*

Another one from Kaleidoscope. Go read him for yourself!

Joke 731

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.  The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a

Loud Yelling Please (Photo credit: Enokson)

human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, ‘When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah’.

The teacher asked, ‘What if Jonah went to hell?’

The little girl replied, ‘Then you ask him’.

*

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work.  As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, ‘I’m drawing God.’

The teacher paused and said, ‘But no one knows what God looks like.’

The  girl replied, ‘They will in a minute.’

*

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.  After explaining the commandment to ‘honour thy Father and thy Mother’ she asked, ‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?’

One little boy answered, ‘Thou shall not kill.’

*

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast with her brunette hair.  She asked, ‘Why are some of
your hairs white, Mum?’

Her mother replied, ‘Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.’

The little girl thought about this for a while and then said, ‘How come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?’

*

Phila. Teachers on Capitol Steps, Wash., D.C., 5/13/11 (LOC) (Photo credit: The Library of Congress)

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.  ‘Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, he’s a doctor.’

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, ‘And there’s the teacher, she’s dead.’

*
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a parochial elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.  The aide made a note, and posted it on the apple tray:

Take only ONE…God is watching.

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.  A child had written a note:

Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

 

Thanks to Katharine Trauger at Home’s Cool! for these.

 

Joke 302

From Will & Guy’s joke site.

A nursery school teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work.

As she got to little Sarah who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. Sarah replied, “I’m drawing God.”

The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”

Sarah replied, “They will in a minute.”

Church: It’s Complicated

Sunday.  Go to church.  Nothing difficult there, you’d think; I’ve been doing it for years.  Think again.

Our church is now made up of three congregations and, instead of just across the road from my house, it’s a 10-15 minute walk, uphill all the way.  That’s fine, so long as I time it right.

Our church is now made up of high church (old) and modern church (new).  That’s fine, it suits me when I have a writer’s group meeting to go to the earlier, more formal service.

Our church is trying not to be all things to all men (that’s God’s job), but to gently combine the two styles into something unique to our mixed congregation.

So far, so not too interesting.

Our church has a nine-thirty service and eleven-fifteen service (tea & coffee between so the congregations socialise).

Our church has all-age worship, children-go-out-halfway-through worship, sung eucharist, morning prayer, short said service, Holy Communion, all-age morning worship, all-age Holy Communion, four different types of Wednesday communions, and an exhausted vicar.

The first Sunday in the month, there’s one service, a whole-parish worship, which starts at ten-thirty.  When I got up on Sunday morning I knew I was going to the ten-thirty service, because it was the first Sunday in the month.  So no one was more surprised than me when ten o’clock came and it was time for me to get ready – I had fifteen minutes to dress, make up, brush teeth, go to the toilet three times, make a brew for the Hub, kiss him goodbye, and leave.

I had showered, fortunately, but I had it in my head that if I got ready at ten I would be in plenty of time for the ten-thirty service. I realised at ten-o-one that would only happen if I had access to an Enterprise transporter.  Or a bike.

Hmm…molecule separation and re-mashing hadn’t been invented by ten-o-one last Sunday morning; but bikes had.  And I had a bike.  Problem solved.

Hmmm…I had not practised riding uphill at this point, but how hard could it be?

The Hub insisted I take a bike chain with me (‘You know what church people are like: if it isn’t nailed down, they’ll sell it at the next coffee morning’).  He had sorted out a few bike chains but one was a combination lock to which we had lost the combination; one was the ideal length but had no lock; and one was a motorbike chain with a lock and key.  I thrust the motorbike chain into my bag and wobbled off as far as the pavement, where I had to grab hold of a passing neighbour to stop myself falling side-on into the road: motorbike chains weigh almost as much as the motorbikes they don’t let robbers steal.

I tried the bag on my right shoulder, my left shoulder, my right handle bar, my left handle bar and balancing it on the cross bar.  I almost went over the top with that one.  Eventually I sort of had it sort of draped over the middle of the bike and had ridden almost fifty yards.  I reached a short incline.  I had to get off and wheel it because I’d forgotten which handle had the gears on.

I got on again at the top of the incline and rode another fifty yards to the bottom of Northgate Road.  Northgate Road is well named, as it goes north.  And I mean north as in straight up, not north as in the opposite of south on a flat land.  I was game, however, and got as far as one rotation of the pedals before I realised there was something wrong with my bike.  Not moving despite short legs pounding the pedals furiously is a bit of a give away, as is a funny flat floo-ped sound.

I got off the bike and checked everything.  I might as well have given our car the once-over instead for all the good it did, but it was better than not checking everything.  I thought it might be worth running my hands over the tyres.  That’s when I discovered that tyres are dirty, greasy and often layered in dog poo; and that the inner tube had now become an outer tube.

I turned my sad little vehicle around and wheeled it home, floo-peding all the way.

Have I ever mentioned that I have the best husband in the world (despite Sarsm’s claim)?  It takes a couple of hours for his body to de-creak but he dragged himself out of bed, pushed me into the car, and left me outside the church door, waving an emotional goodbye at precisely 10:29.  There are days when I’m glad he didn’t do that back in 1985.

I’m not the only one who had a false start that day.  The joint service is a mix of old and new.  The new starts with a couple of songs to warm us all up and to give late-comers (tut) a chance to grab a seat at the back.  The old didn’t realise that, and started the procession down the aisle with the banners on poles when the first song started, as always.  Then the old discovered their mistake, turned around, and proceeded gravely back up the aisle.

Second warm-up song: same thing.  By the third song, which was the first hymn, the old was late, hanging around at the back of the church, waiting for their cue.

Some people leave everything to the last minute. 

You Wait Months For A Guest Post And Then Two Come Along At Once

This post is not about pushing a personal agenda, but helping out an author.  All readers of a non-Christian disposition should look away now. 

About Surrendered Balance

Do you live a fast paced and hectic life? Is your relationship with God suffering because of it? Imagine living a life of balance, in the flow of God’s will even while you’re always on the go. It is possible to flourish and have fulfillment in both your spiritual life and natural life without feeling as if you are neglecting either one. It comes by way of surrendered balance.

 Hermina Krista Pettiford, in her first book connects with modern the Christian woman, giving fresh ideas and insight for balancing the responsibilities of modern-life while maintain an intimate relationship with God.  In her personable style she gives practical solutions and applicable tools for women to make a life of surrendered balance no longer just a dream but a reality!

A modern Christian woman is someone who balances all of her responsibilities – family, career, friendship, ministry to others, and caring for herself all while keeping the Lord at the center of her life. If you are a modern Christian woman this book was written for you.

Proverbs 31:16 (AMP) says, “She considers a [new] field before she buys or accepts it [expanding prudently and not courting neglect of her present duties by assuming other duties]; with her savings [of time and strength] she plants fruitful vines in her vineyard.”

As modern Christian women we balance so much: time with the Lord, family, friends, work, staying fit and healthy, making time for ourselves without feeling too guilty, church and ministry.

God has a plan for each one of us that will bring about a proper balance between our spiritual and natural life. It is through the path of surrender and making time for Him that we find this plan. As we allow God to order our lives, not taking on more than we can handle or are called by Him to do, but rather, like wise women considering all of our choices in the presence of God before we proceed, our lives are bound to come into a state of surrendered balance and make room for all the needed things.

However, because of modern-day busyness, living a surrendered life and creating a constant balance is not always easy, even for those who have lived the Christian life for many years. The disciplines and principles in this book may not be new to you, but I believe the strategies and ideas will give you a fresh way of looking at how to balance your daily living as a modern Christian woman.

 This book has two parts. The first part lists and discusses seven disciplines of a balanced life for the modern Christian woman. The second part is designed to help you implement these disciplines into your life without boxing you into just another system that will never work because it doesn’t fit your life. This book was written to help you keep track of your time, so that you will have time for all the needed things without getting overwhelmed.

The strategies and ideas I will share are those that God gave me when I was in a stressful time of life with more work and responsibilities than time and energy in a day. They still work for me and they will work for you if you apply them.

 

About Hermina Krista Pettiford

Hermina Krista Pettiford is the women’s ministry leader in her local church – New Covenant Tabernacle located San Diego, CA where she lives with her family. She has a B. A. in Biblical Studies from Southern California Seminary. Her belief is that the Spirit of God and the Word of God work together to create dynamic power for living the Christian life, thus, she ministers with a solid Biblical message and with the leading of the Holy Spirit.

Her desire is to see women and families strengthened through God’s Word and their relationship with God as Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. She has written out of her own life experiences, and her gift and love of writing to and for the Lord.

You can find Krista Pettiford at her website; www.surrenderedbalance.com

Purchase the book at Amazon;

http://www.amazon.com/Surrendered-Balance-Living-Modern-Christian/dp/098238050X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1306340441&sr=1-1

 

Visit Krista’s tour page at Pump Up Your Book!  http://www.pumpupyourbook.com/2011/04/25/surrendered-balance-daily-living-for-the-modern-christian-woman-virtual-book-tour/

 

 

Joke 17

A little girl, dressed in her “Sunday best” was late and running to her Sunday school class. As she ran, she prayed, “Dear God, please don’t let me be late. Dear God, please don’t let me be late.” Then she fell.

She got up, dusted her self off and saw that her dress was now dirty and had a little tear. She started running again, still praying, “Dear God, please don’t let me be late.” But this time she added, “But please don’t push me, either!”