Tag Archives: Groucho Marx

Joke 812

13 Jun

Time for some Groucho Marx.  You’ve probably heard them all but they are always worth sharing again.

  • No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
  • Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
  • Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
  • Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them…well, I have others.
  • A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.
  • One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.
  • Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
  • From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
  • My favourite poem is the one that starts ‘Thirty days hath September’ because it actually tells you something.
  • I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.
  • I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
  • Wives are people who feel they don’t dance enough.
  • I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.
  • Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
  • Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
  • She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.
  • I intend to live forever, or die trying.
  • I find television very educational. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

From brainyquote.

Joke 529

3 Sep

 

From sarasotaweddingjokes.

cropped version of Image:Grouchoicon.jpg - &qu...

cropped version of Image:Grouchoicon.jpg – “Self-made caricature of Groucho Marx” (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Doug: I think my marriage is in trouble.

Bill: Why do you say that?

Doug: Today I overheard my wife telling a friend she prefers fishing to sex.  “It’s not as boring,” she said.

*

“Get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted a whole day.”
Mickey Rooney.

*

“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.”
Groucho Marx.

*

 

%d bloggers like this: