Heeheehee :)

I wasn’t going to post today but I had to write this one quickly.

I don’t really have bad breath, honest.  That was just my little play on the word ‘gagging’ in yesterday’s post.  My dentist is not that rude.

But thank you all for being so quick to believe it was true.  I’m not offended.  Not offended at all…*

*Please get today’s joke and don’t make me write another explanation tomorrow, retracting this post.

 

The Love That Dare Not Speak Its Name

The Cross Section of a Malteser (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Kiwidutch has sensibly learned to love Maltesers, despite the heresy of first mistaking them for faux-Crunchies.

Crunchie Bar insides (Photo credit: avlxyz)

It led to me think that there’s not much you don’t know about my likes, dislikes and loves.

Then I opened a packet of cheese & onion crisps and it occurred to me  – hold your breath because I don’t think you’re going to believe this – if I had to give up either cheese & onion crisps or Maltesers, I would give up Maltesers.

I had a think about why I never mention my favourite snack on this blog and I realise it’s because Maltesers don’t give you bad breath, but cheese & onion crisps do.  I don’t want my readers going away with a bad smell under their noses.  Think about it – you can smell them now, can’t you?  And it’s horrible, isn’t it?   I want you to think of me as sweet-smelling.  There’s nothing worse than someone else eating cheese & onion crisps when you’re not.  Okay, war and famine and earthquakes are worse, but admit it – halitosis isn’t far behind. 

Cheese and Onion crisps (Photo credit: Watt_Dabney)

Here is my ideal snack break:

• A packet of cheese & onion crisps – slowly suck off the flavour, savouring the taste.  But do it in-mouth; licking is simply bad manners, even when eating alone.
• A packet of Maltesers – slowly suck off the flavour, savouring the taste. But do it in-mouth; licking is simply bad manners, even when eating alone.
• A mug of Earl Grey tea, black.  Drink at optimum temperature i.e. has been standing 21 minutes if large mug; 17 minutes for small mug. Should be just hot enough to meet the criteria for being a hot drink i.e. hot, but cool enough not to leave you needing a palate graft.  It is a fine art and many a perfect snack time has been destroyed by me jumping up and doing the burney tongue dance around the living room.  A too-cool cup can be re-heated in the microwave, but the effect is already ruined, so I generally don’t bother.  It’s like enjoying that first mug of tea so much you make another, which never tastes the same.
• Mint chewing gum to disguise the bad breath until a toothbrush can be accessed.

What’s your ideal snack break?

 

Joke 180

A young couple were due to marry. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never shared with anyone.

The groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice.

“Father,” he said, “I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage.”

His father replied, “Don’t you love this girl?”

“Oh yes, very much,” the young man said; “but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I’m afraid that my fiancée will be put off by them.”

“No problem,” said Father.  “All you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed.”  This seemed a workable solution.

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom.  “Mom,” she said, “when I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful.”

“Honey,” her mother consoled, “everyone has bad breath in the morning.”

“No, you don’t understand. My morning breath is so bad, I’m afraid that my fiancé will not want to sleep in the same room with me.”

Her mother said, “Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, head for the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is not to say a word until you’ve brushed your teeth.”

“I shouldn’t say good morning or anything?” the daughter asked.

“Not a word,” her mother affirmed.

“Well, it’s certainly worth a try,” the bride thought.

The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband awoke with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searched the bed. This, of course, woke his bride and without thinking, she asked, “What on earth are you doing?”

“Oh, my,” he replied, “you’ve swallowed my sock!”