Joke 914

Cowslip (Primula veris) On the grass verge on May Day. According to legend, St Peter dropped the keys to Heaven and where they landed Cowslips grew (the flowers were thought to resemble a set of keys). Its name derives from “cowpat”, (Old English “cuslyppe”) from where Cowslips would spring up when they were common in the wild. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A good, rich man was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel heard his plea and appeared to him. “Sorry, but you can’t take your wealth with you.” The man implored the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continued to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappeared and informed the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathered his largest suitcase and filled it with pure gold bars; he placed it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man died and showed up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter  saw the suitcase and said, “Hold on, you can’t bring that in here!”

The man explained to St. Peter that he had permission and asked him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checked and came back saying, “You’re right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I’m supposed to check its contents before letting it through.”

St. Peter opened the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind.  He took one look and exclaimed, “You brought pavement?!”

 

Joke 902

Today’s subject matter was inspired by Laurie, who posted about New York on her blog.

Improv Everywhere No Pants Subway Ride 2012-New York City-Times Square to the N Train (Photo credit: FreeVerse Photography)

A minister dies and, resplendent in his clerical collar and colorful robes, waits in line at the Pearly Gates. Just ahead of him is a guy dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. 

Saint Peter addresses this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?” 

The guy replies, “I’m Joe Green, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City.” 

Saint Peter consults his list, smiles and says to the taxi-driver, “Take this silken robe and golden staff, and enter into the Kingdom.” 

So the taxi-driver enters Heaven with his robe and staff, and the minister is next in line. Without being asked, he proclaims, “I am Michael O’Connor, head pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last forty-three years.” 

Saint Peter consults his list and says, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.” 

“Just a minute,” says the preacher, “that man was a taxi-driver, and you issued him a silken robe and golden staff. But I get wood and cotton. How can this be?” 

“Up here, we go by results,” says Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept — while he drove, people prayed.”

*

From ahajokes

Joke 779

A Dog Asks

• Why do humans smell the flowers, but not each other?
• When we get to heaven, can we sit on the couch? Or is it still the same old story?
• Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the “Chrysler Eagle” the “Chrysler Beagle”?
• If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
• We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
• More meatballs, less spaghetti.
• Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
• When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?

Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog.

1. I will not eat the cats’ food before they can eat it.
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I like the way they smell.
3. The litter box is not a cookie jar.
4. The sofa is not a face towel.
5.  The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad’s underwear when he’s on the toilet.
7. Sticking my nose into someone’s crotch is an unacceptable way of saying “hello.”
8. I don’t need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m under the coffee table.
9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house — not after.
10. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.
11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.
12. The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it’s usually not a good thing.

From dogbreedinfo.

Joke 746

Heaven (Photo credit: adyyflickr)

A Sunday school teacher asked the children in her class, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?”

“No!” the children all answered.

“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven?”

Again the answer was “No!”

“Well,” she continued, “then how can I get into Heaven?”

A five-year-old boy shouted out, “You gotta be dead!”

From ajokeaday.com

 

Joke 617

From dogbreedinfo.  

One man and his dog (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A man and his dog were walking along a road.  The man was enjoying the walk, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.  He remembered dying, and that the dog had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold.  He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, “Excuse me, where are we?”

“This is Heaven, sir”, the man answered.

“Wow! Would you happen to have some water?” the man asked.

“Of course, sir. Come right in, and I’ll have some ice water brought right up.” The man gestured, and the gate began to open.  “I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t accept pets.  You’ll have to leave the dog behind.”

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

“Excuse me!” he called to the reader. “Do you have any water?”

“Yeah, sure, there’s a pump over there.”  The man pointed to a place that couldn’t be seen from outside the gate. “Come on in.”

“How about my friend here?” The traveller gestured to the dog.

“There should be a bowl by the pump.”

Man and dog went through the gate and, sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveller filled the bowl for the dog and took a long drink himself.  When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree, waiting for them.

“What do you call this place?” the traveller asked.

“This is Heaven.”

“Well, that’s confusing,” the traveller said.  “The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.”

“Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That’s Hell.”

“Doesn’t it make you mad for them to use your name like that?”

“No. I can see how you might think so, but we’re just happy that they screen out the folks who’ll leave their best friends behind.”

 

Joke 594

This one comes from jokesaboutwriters.

Sweatshop (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell.

She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.

“Oh my,” said the writer. “Let me see heaven now.”

A few moments later, as she ascended into heaven, she saw rows of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.

“Wait a minute,” said the writer. “This is just as bad as hell!”

“Oh no, it’s not,” replied an unseen voice. “Here, your work gets published.”

 

Joke 563

A senior police officer of the Hamburg police on assignment at Hamburg city hall, Germany. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Thanks to Granny1947 for these words of wisdom.

• I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
• A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
• I am a nobody.  Nobody is perfect.  Therefore I am perfect.
• Money isn’t everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
• Heaven is Where:
  The Police are British
  The Chefs are Italian
  The Mechanics are German
  The Lovers are French and
  It’s all organized by the Swiss
  Hell is Where:
  The Police are German
  The Chefs are British
  The Mechanics are French
  The Lovers are Swiss and
  It’s all organized by the Italians

Joke 543

From ajokeaday.com

Heaven (Photo credit: irunandshoot)

A famous lawyer, who had been a public defender for years, died.  He found himself standing at the back of an enormous queue outside the gates of Heaven.  

The lawyer could barely see St Peter sitting up on a podium outside the gates with a large book.  Every now and then St Peter glanced down the queue to see how it was going. Suddenly, he spotted the lawyer.  He was most surprised.  He jumped down from the podium and ran along the line until, slightly out of breath, he arrived beside the lawyer.

St Peter embraced the lawyer and pulled him out of the queue, taking him up to the front.  One person asked what was happening and an angel replied.  The reply was passed up the queue and people started to nod and clap.

The lawyer, embarrassed, asked St Peter why he was getting the special attention.

St Peter stopped, looking concerned.  ‘You are a lawyer, aren’t you?’

‘Yes,’ the lawyer replied.  ‘Does this happen to all lawyers in heaven?’

‘Oh, no,’ said St Peter. ‘It’s just that you are the first one to ever get here.’

Joke 420

Earth and High Heaven (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Thanks to Gobetween Flames for this one.

Dave and Wendy were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years.  Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because Dave watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Wendy`s insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn’t help when they went on holiday and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside.  He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath.  A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when St. Peter said, ‘Welcome to Heaven.  This will be your home now.’

Dave asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.  ‘Why, nothing,’ Peter replied, ‘remember, this is your reward in Heaven.’ Dave looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.

‘What are the greens fees?’ grumbled Dave.

‘This is heaven,’ St. Peter replied.  ‘You can play for free, every day.’

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, and free-flowing beverages. ‘Don’t even ask,’ said St. Peter to Dave.  ‘This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.’

‘Where are the low-fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?’ asked Dave.

‘That’s the best part,’ St. Peter replied.  ‘You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.   This is Heaven!’

‘No gym to work out at?’

‘Not unless you want to,’ was the answer.

‘No testing my sugar or blood pressure or…’

‘Never again.  All you do here is enjoy yourself.’

Dave glared at Wendy and said, ‘You and your Bran Flakes!  We could have been here ten years ago!’

Joke 191

A four-year-old boy and his father went to the beach. There was a dead seagull lying on the sand. The boy asked his father, “Dad, what happened to the bird?”

His Dad told him, “Son, the bird died and went to heaven.”

Then the boy asked, “And God threw him back down?”

Joke 6

One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where he meets the Lord Himself.

The Lord says to the cat, “You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know.”

The cat thinks for a moment and says, “Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor.”

The Lord stops the cat and says, “Say no more,” and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to heaven.

Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.

The mice answer, “All our lives we have been chased.

We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms.

Running, running, running; we’re tired of running.

Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don’t have to run anymore?”

The Lord says, “Say no more” and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.

Weeks later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow.

The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, “How are things since you got here?”

The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, “It is wonderful here.

Better than I could have ever expected. And those ‘Meals On Wheels’ you’ve been sending by are the best!”