Tag Archives: Heaven

Joke 914

23 Sep
English: Cowslip (Primula veris) On the grass ...

Cowslip (Primula veris) On the grass verge on May Day. According to legend, St Peter dropped the keys to Heaven and where they landed Cowslips grew (the flowers were thought to resemble a set of keys). Its name derives from “cowpat”, (Old English “cuslyppe”) from where Cowslips would spring up when they were common in the wild. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A good, rich man was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel heard his plea and appeared to him. “Sorry, but you can’t take your wealth with you.” The man implored the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continued to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappeared and informed the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathered his largest suitcase and filled it with pure gold bars; he placed it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man died and showed up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter  saw the suitcase and said, “Hold on, you can’t bring that in here!”

The man explained to St. Peter that he had permission and asked him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checked and came back saying, “You’re right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I’m supposed to check its contents before letting it through.”

St. Peter opened the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind.  He took one look and exclaimed, “You brought pavement?!”

 

Joke 902

11 Sep

Today’s subject matter was inspired by Laurie, who posted about New York on her blog.

Improv Everywhere No Pants Subway Ride 2012-Ne...

Improv Everywhere No Pants Subway Ride 2012-New York City-Times Square to the N Train (Photo credit: FreeVerse Photography)

A minister dies and, resplendent in his clerical collar and colorful robes, waits in line at the Pearly Gates. Just ahead of him is a guy dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. 

Saint Peter addresses this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?” 

The guy replies, “I’m Joe Green, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City.” 

Saint Peter consults his list, smiles and says to the taxi-driver, “Take this silken robe and golden staff, and enter into the Kingdom.” 

So the taxi-driver enters Heaven with his robe and staff, and the minister is next in line. Without being asked, he proclaims, “I am Michael O’Connor, head pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last forty-three years.” 

Saint Peter consults his list and says, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.” 

“Just a minute,” says the preacher, “that man was a taxi-driver, and you issued him a silken robe and golden staff. But I get wood and cotton. How can this be?” 

“Up here, we go by results,” says Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept — while he drove, people prayed.”

*

From ahajokes

Joke 779

11 May

A Dog Asks

  • Why do humans smell the flowers, but not each other?
  • When we get to heaven, can we sit on the couch? Or is it still the same old story?
  • Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the “Chrysler Eagle” the “Chrysler Beagle”?
  • If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
  • We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
  • More meatballs, less spaghetti.
  • Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
  • When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?

Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog.

  1. I will not eat the cats’ food before they can eat it.
  2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I like the way they smell.
  3. The litter box is not a cookie jar.
  4. The sofa is not a face towel.
  5.  The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
  6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad’s underwear when he’s on the toilet.
  7. Sticking my nose into someone’s crotch is an unacceptable way of saying “hello.”
  8. I don’t need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m under the coffee table.
  9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house — not after.
  10. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.
  11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.
  12. The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it’s usually not a good thing.

From dogbreedinfo.

Joke 746

8 Apr
Heaven

Heaven (Photo credit: adyyflickr)

A Sunday school teacher asked the children in her class, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?”

“No!” the children all answered.

“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven?”

Again the answer was “No!”

“Well,” she continued, “then how can I get into Heaven?”

A five-year-old boy shouted out, “You gotta be dead!”

From ajokeaday.com

 

Joke 617

30 Nov

From dogbreedinfo.  

English: One man and his dog

One man and his dog (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A man and his dog were walking along a road.  The man was enjoying the walk, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.  He remembered dying, and that the dog had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold.  He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, “Excuse me, where are we?”

“This is Heaven, sir”, the man answered.

“Wow! Would you happen to have some water?” the man asked.

“Of course, sir. Come right in, and I’ll have some ice water brought right up.” The man gestured, and the gate began to open.  “I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t accept pets.  You’ll have to leave the dog behind.”

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

“Excuse me!” he called to the reader. “Do you have any water?”

“Yeah, sure, there’s a pump over there.”  The man pointed to a place that couldn’t be seen from outside the gate. “Come on in.”

“How about my friend here?” The traveller gestured to the dog.

“There should be a bowl by the pump.”

Man and dog went through the gate and, sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveller filled the bowl for the dog and took a long drink himself.  When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree, waiting for them.

“What do you call this place?” the traveller asked.

“This is Heaven.”

“Well, that’s confusing,” the traveller said.  “The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.”

“Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That’s Hell.”

“Doesn’t it make you mad for them to use your name like that?”

“No. I can see how you might think so, but we’re just happy that they screen out the folks who’ll leave their best friends behind.”

 

Joke 594

7 Nov

This one comes from jokesaboutwriters.

Sweatshop

Sweatshop (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell.

She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.

“Oh my,” said the writer. “Let me see heaven now.”

A few moments later, as she ascended into heaven, she saw rows of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.

“Wait a minute,” said the writer. “This is just as bad as hell!”

“Oh no, it’s not,” replied an unseen voice. “Here, your work gets published.”

 

Joke 563

7 Oct
A senior police officer of the Hamburg police ...

A senior police officer of the Hamburg police on assignment at Hamburg city hall, Germany. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Thanks to Granny1947 for these words of wisdom.

  • I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
  • A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
  • I am a nobody.  Nobody is perfect.  Therefore I am perfect.
  • Money isn’t everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
  • Heaven is Where:
    The Police are British
    The Chefs are Italian
    The Mechanics are German
    The Lovers are French and
    It’s all organized by the Swiss
    Hell is Where:
    The Police are German
    The Chefs are British
    The Mechanics are French
    The Lovers are Swiss and
    It’s all organized by the Italians
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