Tag Archives: Hell

Joke 617

30 Nov

From dogbreedinfo.  

English: One man and his dog

One man and his dog (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A man and his dog were walking along a road.  The man was enjoying the walk, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.  He remembered dying, and that the dog had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold.  He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, “Excuse me, where are we?”

“This is Heaven, sir”, the man answered.

“Wow! Would you happen to have some water?” the man asked.

“Of course, sir. Come right in, and I’ll have some ice water brought right up.” The man gestured, and the gate began to open.  “I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t accept pets.  You’ll have to leave the dog behind.”

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

“Excuse me!” he called to the reader. “Do you have any water?”

“Yeah, sure, there’s a pump over there.”  The man pointed to a place that couldn’t be seen from outside the gate. “Come on in.”

“How about my friend here?” The traveller gestured to the dog.

“There should be a bowl by the pump.”

Man and dog went through the gate and, sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveller filled the bowl for the dog and took a long drink himself.  When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree, waiting for them.

“What do you call this place?” the traveller asked.

“This is Heaven.”

“Well, that’s confusing,” the traveller said.  “The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.”

“Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That’s Hell.”

“Doesn’t it make you mad for them to use your name like that?”

“No. I can see how you might think so, but we’re just happy that they screen out the folks who’ll leave their best friends behind.”

 

Joke 594

7 Nov

This one comes from jokesaboutwriters.

Sweatshop

Sweatshop (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell.

She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.

“Oh my,” said the writer. “Let me see heaven now.”

A few moments later, as she ascended into heaven, she saw rows of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.

“Wait a minute,” said the writer. “This is just as bad as hell!”

“Oh no, it’s not,” replied an unseen voice. “Here, your work gets published.”

 

Joke 563

7 Oct
A senior police officer of the Hamburg police ...

A senior police officer of the Hamburg police on assignment at Hamburg city hall, Germany. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Thanks to Granny1947 for these words of wisdom.

  • I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
  • A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
  • I am a nobody.  Nobody is perfect.  Therefore I am perfect.
  • Money isn’t everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
  • Heaven is Where:
    The Police are British
    The Chefs are Italian
    The Mechanics are German
    The Lovers are French and
    It’s all organized by the Swiss
    Hell is Where:
    The Police are German
    The Chefs are British
    The Mechanics are French
    The Lovers are Swiss and
    It’s all organized by the Italians
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