Joke 250

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house.  His three children were outside, still in their P.J.s, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers thrown all about the front yard.  The door to his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.

A lamp had been knocked over, and a throw rug was wadded against one wall.  In the front room the TV was blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.  In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand lay piled up by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and other piles of clothes, looking for his wife.  He was worried that she might be ill, or worse.

He found her lounging in the bedroom, still in her pajamas, reading a novel.

She smiled, looked up at him and asked how his day went.  He looked at her bewildered and asked, “What happened here today?”

She smiled and answered, “You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do all day?”

“Yes,” he replied reluctantly.

She answered, “Well, today I didn’t do it.”

5.5.11

Today’s pretty date, and how many things I’ll be doing per second, minute and hour in order to get the house straight for house guests arriving this afternoon.  I really shouldn’t leave things to the last minute.

I’ll be back tomorrow to reply to your comments and visit your blogs (I hope they’re clean).

<a href=”http://www.youtube.com/v/VyWX6Qar8SA?version=3“>390px; width: 640px”>

The Wackiest But Most Useful Advice I’ve Ever Received.

Image by Thai Jasmine (Keep Smiling.g..g.g :-)) via Flickr

What a shame!  I’ve already blogged on postaday2011’s prompt over on sapoems, just a few days ago.  If you didn’t read it, here’s the link.

What is the wackiest but most useful advice you’ve ever received, Laughing Housewife? I hear you ask.

My reply? How not to be eaten by a crocodile. 

You weren’t interested at first, but you’re itching to check it out now, aren’t you?

I imagine that even if you only need to use that advice once in your life, you’ll be glad to know it.  It’s why I’ve never forgotten it.

The other piece of advice I’ve never forgotten, which isn’t wacky but has saved me a lifetime of housework and is therefore worth passing on: don’t put it down; put it away.

If you can bludgeon your family into following it as well, you’ll be my fan for life.

How To Look Like A Hard-Working Housewife While Hardly Working At All

Image by Nationaal Archief via Flickr

 

Some not-actually-cleaning tips for you: 

• Throw a throw over the couch, chairs, toy box in the corner; you’ll look both clean and as if you have interior design aspirations
• Leave the vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room; if anyone asks/visits, you were just about to use it
• No shoes allowed in the house.  No shoes = no dirt = no need to leave the vacuum cleaner cluttering up the lounge
• If you are expecting guests and can’t be bothered to dust, spray some air freshener and visitors will think you just did
• If you must dust, laddered tights and socks make excellent cloths; to save time and laundry, dust while you’re wearing them and then throw straight into the bin
• Women: don’t get married.  According to many studies, once women marry they do twice the amount of housework as their spouses
• Men: get married (see previous point)
• Wear the same clothes every day; eventually they will walk off by themselves, giving you an excuse to buy something new
• Hang creased clothing in the bathroom/shower room; the steam will help remove the creases
• Wear only nylon – no ironing, plus the excitement/terror of knowing you could be shocked at any time of the day or night
• Lower your standards; answer all complaints with Studies have proved that exposing children to germs reduces the risk of asthma and similar conditions;  are you trying to turn me into a bad mother?
• If you can afford it, pay someone else to do it and stifle your left-leaning guilt: you have just created a job in a world-wide recession
• Only tidy the room you use.  Once all rooms in your home have been used, move

If you have any tips of your own I’d love to hear them. 

On the subject of cleaning, I took possession of a real eBay bargain yesterday:  £2.50 for a mop, bucket, brush, dustpan and brush, cloths & scrubbing brush.  I don’t know when I’ll ever use them, but it’s nice to have them in the house.  

 

 

 

  

 

  

  

  

   

    

  

  

  

     

  

  

    

  

    

 

  

  

  

Sidetrack Sindy

Image via Wikipedia

The Hub calls me Sidetrack Sindy; not because I’m a doll but because

Yesterday he told me just after eleven p.m. that it was 8/9/10 11:12.

Where was I?  Oh yes, being slandered by my husband, who claims that I’m easily sidetracked.  It’s raining outside.

I don’t know why he thinks I’m easily distracted.  Hang on, just going to make a cup of tea; back in a jiffy.  Or maybe go on King.com first.

I’ll share this morning’s routine and you can decide for yourself:

The two things I must do today are – no, wait; three things: put out the rubbish and recycling; prepare the Hub’s pills for the next fortnight; and um, <drinks tea> <looks around the house> my hallway looks so fresh now.

So I got Spud up for school; made his breakfast; called Toby to put out the rubbish with me (he likes doing that); put out the rubbish at the front; came in to put out the recycling at the back; left the bin in the middle of the street as I ran around the house to find the dog I had forgotten to bring back in with me; tidied the lounge; loaded the dishwasher; went back out to put the recycling bin in the correct spot; loaded the dishwasher; oh, I also got dressed somewhere in there because I only put out in the rubbish in my pyjamas in winter because it’s dark and I can put on my huge overcoat.

I am quite looking forward to winter; I love the changing seasons in this country.  In South Africa it’s dark at seven in summer and six in winter and there’s no autumn to speak of.

What was I talking about?  My routine: had my breakfast; read my emails; tidied the lounge; made the Hub’s coffee; got out his pill boxes to prepare them after taking up his coffee and bringing down the washing; tidied the lounge; took up the coffee; emptied all the washing baskets; went into bathroom to turn up the hot water; brushed my teeth; came downstairs without washing; took up the post; opened the bedroom windows; chatted to the Hub; came down and went straight onto computer to comment on other blogs; went back upstairs with a written note pasted to my wrist to make sure I came down with the washing; wondered why I bothered because I can’t run the washing machine and dishwasher at the same time; tidied the lounge; admired the ra

Short break there while I let in the Hub and the roses he bought me; did I mention the Hub went for a blood test and Spud went to school somewhere in all this lot?  Sat down to write my blog and the Hub came down to go out for his blood test and asked me sweetly if I had prepared his tablets and that’s when we had a heated discussion about whether I am easily

Here’s a poem for Carry On Tuesday; the prompt was the first line of Huckleberry Finn, which I have taken as the title.  It is mostly not autobiographical, though I do have a thing about fleas. 

You Don’t Know About Me

I want to star in a movie
Publish a poetry book
Live in the Bahamas
Completely change my look
Electrocute my nose hairs
Learn business Japanese
Just once say the right thing
Stop catching my dog’s fleas

I want a season ticket to the Globe
An extra hole in my ear lobe
Respond with wit to those who probe
Attend an affair that requires a robe

I’m sad that you don’t know
The places I want to go
The friends I want to make
The risks I want to take
The things I want to do
With and without you

Then, when I am almost dead
I’ll recall the life I’ve led
Relive it in my head
And laugh on my death-bed