More On Doors

I remember another time a doorway exchange caused some confusion.

We were living in South Africa and we had a dog who had given birth to five puppies but who had no interest in caring for them.  She escaped at every opportunity and the Hub was at his wits’ end (admittedly, he didn’t have far to go), trying to persuade her to feed her pups.  

One warm Saturday morning (so, any Saturday morning; this was South Africa), Scamp sneaked out again and the Hub, watering the garden, spotted her doing her snake impression across the kitchen threshold.

We had new neighbours.  Their first impression of the kind of people we are – misogynistic husband; downtrodden wife – came when next door’s wife heard my husband scream, ‘Get in the house and look after your babies, you stupid b****.’

Warning: This Blog Is About To Get All Soppy*

*Which is so out of character, I seriously considered starting yet another blog, for my weak days.

Today is St Valentine’s Day.  The Hub and I never celebrate it.  He’s thoughtful of and caring towards me.  He gives me love notes, flowers and little gifts all year round.   You’ve heard me boast about it.  He can also be a great big jerk sometimes, but that’s marriage for you.

The Hub doesn’t believe in St Valentine’s Day.  He thinks that people shouldn’t need a special day  to show their love; they should show it all the time.

That puts me in a bit of pickle: I’m not a romantic like the Hub and my way of showing my love is not spitting in his dinner when I’m mad at him.  He doesn’t think that’s particularly in my favour.

So, I did what I always do when I’m confronted with an emotional conundrum: I wrote a poem. Enjoy, and don’t think too badly of me.

*

What’s Love?

For Paul, the love of my life

 

What’s love?
It’s your hand holding the sick bowl, wiping my face.
It’s crying for someone who gave you a lifetime of grief;
because I loved her and you love me. It’s letting me hate you in
hormonal periods. It’s sitting, sweating in your undies
because I’m cold and won the fight over the central heating.
It’s playing taxi. It’s calming me on kitchen days. It’s buying
takeaways when the wallet can’t take it but soothing failed.
It’s tolerating my beliefs, so crazy to you. It’s your gift of two
beloved boys, knowing they displaced you, and not caring.
It’s golf balls at Christmas and Shakespeare at fifty.
It’s doing what I ask when you really don’t want to.
It’s putting me first.
It’s time, not money.
Sometimes, it’s money.
It’s the everyday ordinary and the occasionally sublime.
It’s blaming the world for my setbacks, when you know it’s
really me. It’s sending me to South Africa, France, Widnes.
It’s love notes in my laptop, my diary, the fridge.
It’s accepting my fat. It’s rejoicing when I’m slim.
It’s rocking a colicky baby all night then working all day.
It’s no sleep. It’s sore feet.
It’s working too hard, too long, too far away.
It’s coming home again. It’s trust. It’s not eating burgers
because there’s steak at home. It’s knowing what matters.
It’s hard times, unhappy times, tragic times.
It’s staying together.
It’s you and me, two kids and thirty years.
It’s you.
That’s love.

*

*

That’s got to pay off at least a year’s supply of hearts written on milk bottles, hasn’t it?

Happy Thanksgiving

From ahajokes

We don’t celebrate Thanksgiving in the UK but I have had lots of nice news lately so I saved it up for today.

Tory Boy was headhunted

He received a phone call out of the blue from the office of the MP he helped get elected in Lancaster in 2010, offering him a job.

Although he loves working in production, he’s fed up where he’s living because he works peculiar hours and hasn’t had a chance to make friends; and he’s still in lodgings at 23.  As he intends to have a political career at some point, it seems like a good move; particularly as he has lots of friends in Lancaster and knows the area well.  

Of course, the job is only guaranteed for eighteen months, because there’s an election coming up.  If ever there was an incentive to get someone re-elected, it’s having him as your boss.  He was smart to hire TB.

He will be home for a week before starting his new job in mid-December.  That’s the bit I really like.

Spud had his first offer

Of a place at University, from  Birmingham.  He is delighted, although Sheffield is his first choice.

Birmingham is a good university.  The only negative is that he’s afraid he might start speaking with the local accent.  The thought horrifies him.

I found a lump

Which turned out to be another lymph node.

It is ALWAYS better to get these things checked.  You will avoid unnecessary anguish and sleepless nights.

Today is my brother’s birthday

Happy birthday, Brother-who-never-reads-my-blog; and congratulations on surviving childhood with me for a sister.

You readers all know me as a good girl; but when we were kids our parents owned a little grocery shop.  Bwnrmb and I slept in one attic and boxes of crisps slept in the other.  Having two years’ seniority, I used to send him to forage for our midnight feasts…and I never got caught…

I don’t mind saying ‘sorry’ now, because he won’t read my apology (he ranks somewhere in the region of the Hub in my list of people I can offend without a thought).

Sorry for all the spankings you took on my behalf.

Not.

Doctor Who

The fiftieth anniversary episode: The Day of the Doctor.

Need I say more?

Amazon

In Protest: 150 Poems for Human Rights

My complimentary copy arrived.  I read it.  Powerful, moving, evocative and provocative.

I feel honoured to be included.  

I learned two new words

I love them:

snollygoster   Noun: Slang. a clever, unscrupulous person

borborygmus  Noun: a rumbling or gurgling sound caused by the movement of gas in the intestines

Perfect descriptions of the uninvited guest on Thanksgiving, don’t you think?

Amazon

Writing Our Faith

Another book I’m in…and the editor used my piku on the back cover. Shriek!

The Hub

Because he’s a great husband.

But you know the drill…don’t tell him I said so.

eattt fanksgiving (Photo credit: jelene)

 

Happy Thanksgiving!

 

Joke 976

Marital Blitz (1959) … Top Tracks for Rod Stewart …item 1c.. Maggie May …item 2.. How to keep your marriage vibrant after many years. (December 16, 2012 / 3 Tevet 5773) … (Photo credit: marsmet546)

“Honey,” says a husband to his wife, “I invited a friend home for supper.”

“What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess. I haven’t been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal!”

“I know all that.”

“Then why did you invite a friend for supper?”

“Because the poor fool’s thinking about getting married.” 

*

From ajokeaday.com

Joke 935

Never, ever, think outside the box (Photo credit: Mrs eNil)

A man looks at his wife of 25 years and says, “Honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV; but I got to sleep with a hot 25 year-old blonde every night.  Now we have a $300,000.00 house, a $50,000.00 car, a nice big bed and plasma screen TV; but I am sleeping with a 50 year-old woman.  It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things.”

The wife, being a reasonable woman, said, “Go out and find a hot 25 year-old blonde…and I will make sure that you, once again, will be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.”

*

From Jokes Monday

Weekly Photo Challenge Catch-Up

Checking my Daily Prompt folder, I discovered I have 224 prompts to answer.  I thought I’d better make a start.

WPC: Curves

The Hub and I celebrated his 21st birthday in our second home.  We had been married four months and still had our figures:

WPC: Fleeting

My love for the Hub was fleeting.  It lasted as long as the time it took to develop this photograph:

WPC: The World Through My Eyes

I see the world through eyes that are still this young:

WPC: Companionable

We have always been companionable, so long as I tell him what to do and he does it:

In return, I have to wear a green headdress at all times.

WPC: Foreshadow

Here’s a foreshadowing of our relationship:

WPC: An Unusual Point Of View

Here’s an unusual point of view – the Hub is telling me what to do:

Don’t worry: it was only which section of the paper I could have.  Natural order was soon restored:

Joke 880

Difference between Men and Women (Photo credit: -LucaM- Photography WWW.LUCAMOGLIA.IT)

• When women are depressed they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It’s a whole different way of thinking.
• When a man gives his opinion, he’s a man. When a woman gives her opinion, she’s a bitch.
• Diamonds are a girl’s best friend. Dogs are a man’s best friend. Now you know which sex is smarter.
• The only way to understand a woman is to love her – and then it isn’t necessary to understand her.
• To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change and she does.
• Men marry because they are tired; women because they are curious. Both are disappointed.
• A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her; a man, of the woman who he didn’t.
• There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman – before marriage and after marriage.
• Only two things are necessary to keep a wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.
• Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
• Any married man should forget his mistakes – no use two people remembering the same thing.
• Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.
• A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
• If you women knew what we were thinking, you’d never stop slapping us.
• Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.

From hehe.at

 

Why The Globe Is The Best Theatre In The World

Shakespeare’s Globe, London (rebuilt 1997) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

We interrupt our scheduled post to bring you this breaking news:

The Globe rocks.

Before we went to London, the Hub phoned the Globe on the QT and asked them, as it was my fiftieth birthday treat, if they would arrange for the cast to sign my pre-paid-for Macbeth programme.

The Globe said it would see what it could do.

I used my voucher to collect my programme in the shop instead of the box office, not knowing about the Hub’s request.

The Hub asked me about my programme when I got home: cue sadness all round when the plot was discovered to have gone awry.

The Globe, being the Best Theatre In The World, wasn’t having that and, without a word from us, popped the programme in the post.  It arrived this morning.

The Globe really does rock.  And so does the Hub.

Click on the photos to see close ups.

Blogging, The Happy Medium

London (Photo credit: @Doug88888)

Write up a mid-year “State of My Year” post.

Finally, a prompt I can take seriously!

My year has been great.  I’ve done lots of fun things, including several visits from people who I had never met before they arrived; but we all finished the visits as fast friends.  Though one finish couldn’t come fast enough, if you know what I mean…*

*I’m kidding.  Everyone was lovely; you know

London (Photo credit: @Doug88888)

I can’t resist the easy joke.

I’ve been to the theatre five times; eaten in restaurants at least four times – three of them in the space of a week.  I didn’t eat out three times in the previous three years but I made up for it in July.

I’ve had a fair few poems published this year. I finished editing my South African poem collection.  I gave a poetry recital and I’ve got two more planned for next month, as well as a workshop I’m going to run.  I’ve signed up for a local creative writing course in September.  I got my blogging addiction under control; so much so, I practically gave it up for a while, but now I’ve found a happy medium.

My boys are doing well.  Tory Boy enjoys his job; he’s coming home for ten days for my birthday (oh, and the Hub’s).  Spud was in three plays in six months and had the lead in two of them (I will never tire of boasting about that).  He had his first paid acting gig (a post will follow when he sends me some photos).

My husband really loves me.  So much, in fact, that he’s sending me away.   That’s where I am now, as you read this – in London with Spud.  Speaking of dead weight, I’ve lost over a stone.

My year so far is gooooooooooooooood.  Though I do miss Maltesers.

London Underground (Photo credit: @Doug88888)

Is the glass half-full, or half-empty?

The glass is brimming over and making a mess on the table.

London underground (Photo credit: @Doug88888)

Tell us about a time where everything you’d hoped would happen actually did.

My husband offered to send me away and then made sure he did.

Oh, sorry; I didn’t realise it was supposed to be about me.

A multi segment panoramic image of the London skyline from the Bermondsey banks of the Thames. Photo credit: Wikipedia)

When you gaze out your window — real or figurative — do you see the forest first, or the trees?

I see the tiny back gardens as I whizz past on the London Express.

So, not so much trees and forest as wet washing and cement.

Globe Theatre – London (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

We each have many types of love relationships — parents, children, spouses, friends. And they’re not always with people; you may love an animal, or a place. Is there a single idea or definition that runs through all the varieties of “love”?

Unselfishness.

Thank you, darling Hub, for this trip; for making sure I have a special treat for a milestone birthday; for making my dream come true.  I love you.

So much so, I might be nice to you when I get home; if I’m not too tired or menopausal, that is…oh…wait…I see why I’m being sent away….

Shakespeare’s Globe Theatre (Photo credit: n_willsey)

 

Joke 861

Boat-plank illustration (Photo credit: HikingArtist.com)

Apologies for the formatting; I’m not sure what’s going on and I can’t fix it.

Gordon died.  His wife Susan went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Susan what she would like to say about Gordon.

Susan replied, “You just put, ‘Gordon died.'”

The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, “That’s it? Just ‘Gordon died?’  Surely, there must be something more you’d like to say about Gordon. If it’s money you’re concerned about, the first five words are free. We really should say something more.”

Susan pondered for a few minutes and finally said, “O.K. then. You put ‘Gordon died. Yacht for sale.’ “

*

Another one from yachtpals

Globe Trotter

And so the 50th birthday celebrations continue!

First of all, an illustration:

You’ll find more illustrations like this at Mark’s blog.  Hit the pic to access it.

That’s my way of saying ‘thank you’ to everyone who offered me a place to stay if I could get there.

I can’t tell you how touched I was by your generous offers; or how desperately the Hub tried to make it happen (a little too desperate for my liking; but that’s an earbashing for another day).

Finances, however, want me to celebrate in modest style; and so I will have to decline your kind offers.  I’m so sad about that.  Thank you, thank you, thank you all!

The Hub, keen to get me out of the house, won’t let me be sad for long,  He has managed to make me deliriously happy on a budget and without Maltesers: I’m going to London to visit the Queen.

The Scottish Queen, that is; from centuries ago: Lady Macbeth.

Okay, that was a long-winded, round-the-houses, you-readers-have-a-life-you-know way of saying that I’m going to watch Macbeth at the Globe!  The Globe! The Globe!

A reconstruction of the Globe Theatre in London, originally built in 1599 and used by Shakespeare (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I have been once before and it is on my bucket list to do again.  In fact, it will always be on my bucket list; I will never get enough of the Globe.

The Hub is not going with me, but fear not – I won’t get lost in London because Spud will be there to hold my hand.  We will take the train (a two-hour express) down next week Thursday; see some sights; and then book into our hotel-come-hostel-come-student digs thing (told you we were on a budget).  We could have saved more money by taking our own bedding but I don’t want to carry it for two days.

I will get no sleep because I’ll be too excited but I’ll manage the breakfast they promise; and then we will head to the theatre for our tour and exhibition (pre-paid), before standing as groundlings.  Groundlings pay a fiver to stand (often in the rain) to watch the show.  It’s the only way to experience the Globe – I had a seat last time but gave it up to be a groundling, squeezing in to lean on the stage during the second half of the performance.

I have so much to look forward to: flea pit hotel; theatre pit in the rain; smelly armpits if it’s sunny (menopause symptoms stink).  

I have the best husband!

 

Joke 847

All teeth (Photo credit: Garrette)

An alien boy and his father were visiting earth and found themselves in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his father, “What is this, Father?” The father, never having  seen an elevator, responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful young woman stepped out. The father said to his son, “Go get your mother.”

*

From ajokeaday.com

Joke 843

A Man’s Guide To Womanspeak

People Today – Dec. 3, 1952 … Translations for husbands (Sunday, March 11, 2012) …item 2.. Steve Chapman – Afghanistan (03/11/2012) …item 3.. Professor Walter Williams (03/11/2012) … (Photo credit: marsmet451)

FINE 

This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use “fine” to describe how a woman looks – this will cause you to have one of those arguments. 

FIVE MINUTES 

This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it’s an even trade. 

NOTHING 

This means “something,” and you should be on your toes. “Nothing” is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. “Nothing” usually signifies an argument that will last “Five Minutes” and end with “Fine”. 

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows) 

This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over “Nothing” and will end with the word “Fine”. 

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows) 

This means “I give up” or “do what you want because I don’t care”. You will get a “Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead” in just a few minutes, followed by “Nothing” and “Fine” and she will talk to you in about “Five Minutes” when she cools off. 

LOUD SIGH 

This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over “Nothing”. 

SOFT SIGH 

Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. “Soft Sighs” mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content. 

THAT’S OKAY 

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. “That’s Okay” means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. “That’s Okay” is often used with the word “Fine” and in conjunction with a “Raised Eyebrow”. 

GO AHEAD! 

At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble. 

PLEASE DO 

This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn’t get a “That’s Okay”.

THANKS 

A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say “You’re welcome.” 

THANKS A LOT 

This is much different from “Thanks.” A woman will say “Thanks A Lot” when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the “Loud Sigh.” Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the “Loud Sigh,” as she will only tell you “Nothing”. 

*

From ajokeaday.com

Joke 818

4 – 1878 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

INSTALLING HUSBAND 1.0

 

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance — particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.  In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0. And Golf Clubs 4.1.  Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.5 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

 

 

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: “http: I Thought You Loved Me.htm” and try to download Tears 6.2 and don’t forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.  If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.  

But remember, over use of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5 Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background, that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

Also, do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7

Good Luck, 

Tech Support

*

Thanks to Charlie at readbetweentheminds for this one.

   

Wednesday

The post’s title is short because that’s all I can think of today.  I promised you stories of my mucus, old buildings and new visitors; but all you’ve had are jokes.

Super Yorkie (Photo credit: Jenn and Tony Bot)

I’m tired.

I’ve had two months of constant on-the-go-ness and now I have to listen to my husband using my own nagging against me: Listen to your body!  It’s okay to do nothing for a little while. Watch telly and leave your laptop alone.  Your readers will manage to survive without you.

Okay, I don’t say that last bit to him, but I would if he was a blogger.

I’m lying in bed at lunchtime typing this, and I don’t feel guilty.  I don’t feel anything except jellyness – that feeling that you will collapse into a sticky puddle on the floor, licked up by dogs with sweet tooths and remembered only as that blogger who made us laugh for a bit till she overdid it and then disappeared into a Yorkie’s gut.

Yes, self-pity is alive and well in Tillybudland, but it’s nothing a week off and the first thirty episodes of ER won’t cure.

See you on the other side, if I don’t turn into a pudding.