Tag Archives: Internet

Joke 974

22 Nov
Paradise-Wireless illustration

Paradise-Wireless illustration (Photo credit: HikingArtist.com)

Sad Cartoon versus Technology

Sad Cartoon versus Technology (Photo credit: Sean Loyless)

– How do trees get on the Internet?

They log in.

– What do computers like to eat?
Chips.

– What do you call a space magician?
A flying saucerer.

What is a computer’s first sign of old age?
Loss of memory.

– What is an astronaut’s favourite key on the computer keyboard?
The space bar.

– What happened when the computer fell on the floor?

It slipped a disk.

– Why was there a bug in the computer?
It was looking for a byte to eat.

– How did the mouse get out of the Cathedral?
He clicked on an icon and opened a window.

– What kind of doctor fixes broken websites?
A URLologist.

– Have you heard about the Disney virus?
It makes everything on your computer go Goofy.

– What happened when a dragon breathed on several Macintosh computers?
He wound up with baked Apples.

– Why did the chicken cross the Web?
To get to the other site.

*

From elon.edu

No Internet

29 Jul
adderall-withdrawal

adderall-withdrawal (Photo credit: Life Mental Health)

We had no internet for 24 hours.  I couldn’t blog, email, spend hours playing games or prepare today’s joke.

Here’s the weird part: I didn’t cry, scream, moan, complain, sweat, bitch, or play up in any way.  

I had no withdrawal symptoms at all.

I think I’m sick.

 

My Personal Sophie’s Choice

6 Feb

Could you live without the internet for a week? For a month?

The answer to that is so obvious that I won’t deign to reply.

Now, if they had asked me, If you had to choose between Maltesers and the internet…   

The Hub Is My Indispensable Technology

30 Jan

My first reaction to the latest WordPress prompt –What’s one piece of technology you can’t live without? – was, of course, The Internet; but then I thought about it.  Not deep thought, like, Where does it come from?  Why is it here?  Does it prove Intelligent Design?, but thought along the lines of, I can’t live without it; please don’t die on me again, Mr Internet (at the risk of sounding sexist, of course it’s male: hangs around the house annoying me and proving it knows everything – it’s the Hub in technological form).

My thought of the day led me to conclude that, actually, it’s the computer I can’t live without.  A world wide web isn’t much use if it doesn’t have a computer to be world wide on; and I need somewhere to store my Christmas shopping list.

But a computer is only as good as the moron who uses it, and I’m the moron for the job.  Remember the other day when I had a computer crisis and couldn’t do the thing?  You all sent me helpful tips that might as well have been in DOS for the trouble I had trying to follow your basic instructions.  Believe me when I say that I very much appreciated the proffered help, and to thank you I ate a box of Maltesers in the name of each of you; but I couldn’t fix the problem.  I knew I was going to have to ask the Hub for help, because that’s why I hang on to him; someone has to fix the computer. 

My need for it is such that I was prepared to brave his wrath the minute he got up (no point mentioning it before I had to and letting him have time to fester and think of good reasons why I shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near anything more technologically advanced than a pencil). 

And guess what?  That whole turn-it-off-and-turn-it-on-again joke isn’t a joke at all; it’s sound technological advice: I turned the pc on just before he came into the room in order to have the evidence to prove my sin, and it had fixed itself.  I wouldn’t have known this if I hadn’t had the Hub on hand to fix it because I would have left it switched off forever, so, technically, just by being there, the Hub fixed it for me.

Then there’s my backache.  It’s caused by the computer chair, which is really a post-modernist – i.e. streamlined i.e. works without electricity and therefore has no wires – recliner.  The Hub bought it off eBay, thinking it was a luxury computer chair.  When he got it home and realised his mistake, he added castors.  It has done us for ages but it is too low and I am short (though not as short as I ought to be, you may remember) and I have to sit on the edge and strain to reach the keyboard and I have dreadful posture so I’m a sort of Hunchback of Notre Stockport with an aching waist and a permanent bad mood (not the fault of the chair or even the Hub; just my default setting).

As soon as I make the Hub aware of my problem he will fix it: he will source a real computer chair; or requisition Spud’s which is our old one; or add blocks to the top of the castors to raise the chair; or do something ingenious and – more importantly – inexpensive to save my back and keep me blogging and thus accessing the internet.

You see: all technological roads lead to home.  I can’t do without the Hub if I want to use the internet.  He is my technological necessity.  Ouch.  That hurts.  The biter bit.  He is my date; oh, base.  I’d like to keep him peripheral but it’s a hard drive.  It bugs me so much I’ve become a cursor.  I need to access my memory and find a ram.  Marriage – what a gig.

My Dog Is Sick; My Son Never Returns My Calls; My Tooth Fell Out; But Worse Than That: The Internet Is Down.

21 Jan
Using Internet Explorer, I made a close up of ...

Image via Wikipedia

I’m writing this in Word because the internet keeps going down.  You’ll be reading it live online, of course; lucky you.  What’s so great about you that you get t’internet and I don’t?  Life just ain’t fair sometimes.

You’ll see by my first paragraph that I get a little grumpy if I don’t get online the minute I want to.  It’s like a drug.  Is it possible to mainline online?  Somebody better fix something sometime soon or someone’s gonna be bashing computers against someone’s head in a frenzy of withdrawal symptoms.

*

Toby seems to be on the mend!  Hooray!  My posts will stop sounding like eulogies.

He ate a little chicken last night; some more this morning; some more after that; some more…you get the idea.  He’s taking his tablets, drinking tea, and looking a mite perkier.  My bad mood has lifted like someone took their foot off the internet wire and fixed the blockage (it must be lumpy ether; what else can it be?).

*

Tory Boy: the incredible vanishing son.  Says he needs your help then leaves you hanging, worried sick that something has happened to him because why else would he say ‘Look at this for me’ and then not send the thing to be lookited, not answer emails, nor his phone?  It was only once I sent a text threatening to visit him that he let me know he wasn’t lying in a hospital bed, beaten to within an inch of his life with no id because it had been stolen by the beaters and there was therefore no way for the hospital staff to contact his frantic mother.  I only worried because he said ‘Look at this for me’ and then nothing.  If he had said ‘…,’ I’d have known not to worry because I never do when he ignores me for weeks at a time, never calls, texts or emails.  It’s a mother’s lot to be irrelevant; I get that.  But don’t let me think I’m relevant and then ignore me – you might as well put a gun to my head and tell me to choose between Maltesers or the internet: the resulting spin would make a tornado look like a gentle blow on a puppy’s ear.

*

So my tooth fell out again.  Not my tooth, actually my front left veneer.  It’s now the third or fourth time.  The dentist, who keeps a spare appointment just for my teeth emergencies, tried another tack.  She sand-blasted the back of the veneer, roughed up the front of the tooth, and cemented them together.  I wasn’t sure if I was at a dentist’s or a builders’ convention.

After two hours of starvation I tested it on a packet of Chewits and it’s still there.  I may have manky teeth but I’ve got good NHS. 

*

Coming Soon To A Blog Near You: The Greatest Quilt Ever Made!

(Once the Hub uploads the photos)

Carry On Tuesday For September 28th

27 Sep
Inside Regina Spektor's home

Image by John E. Lester via Flickr

 

The prompt from Carry On Tuesday was to use the first two lines from Regina Spektor’s song The Call: 

 
It started out as a feeling
which then grew into a hope
 

  

  

   

Heeding The Call 

It started out as a feeling
which then grew into a hope:
the guy at the end of the email
threw me a virtual rope.
I took my car to meet him;
we walked the slippery slope
of internet suicide websites.
Living was out of our scope.
 

   

This was inspired by the story of ‘Heaven’s Little Girl’, who met a stranger on the net and committed suicide with him. 

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