Tag Archives: Kristen Stewart

Fifty Shades Of Grim

11 Jul

A woman who runs a low-key virtual publishing house in Sydney has been acclaimed as the face of e-book publishing after discovering online

This is not a review because I haven’t read the book.  After Perfecting Motherhood‘s review, I don’t intend to:

This book is garbage, absolute garbage […] This book looks like it was written by a teenage girl who can’t write and has limited vocabulary. I have no idea how many times I read roll her eyes, smirked, muttered, mumbled, bit my lip, cocked his head, and so on, but I’m sure someone has kept a tally. The 22-year old female character is more naïve and gullible than a 12-year old. The 27-year old character is perfect: billionaire, the most beautiful man in the world, he speaks fluent French, and is working on solving world hunger. Pleeeeeaaaase. The sex scenes would have been the best part of the book if they hadn’t been so repetitive and laughable. Anastasia has orgasms by just hearing her name and have Christian look at her. Right. If you haven’t read this book but still want to, do it at your own risk. I bet any other book in that genre will be better than this one.

I have already been sucked into one badly written universe – Twilight, anyone? I love those books and movies, even though the books are badly written and Kristen Stewart has just one expression for all emotions:

Happy

Sad

Twilight: Eclipse

Afraid

Everybody is allowed to love one stupid book and Twilight is mine; I don’t want to obsess over another.

It came as no surprise to me to learn that Fifty Shades of Grey arose from Twilight fan fiction:  a case of from bad to perverse.

According to The Telegraph Online (no slouch in the badly written sentence department; see for yourselves),

Sales of the novel on the Kindle reaching [sic] one million earlier this week, and Fifty Shades of Grey has broken print sales records too.

The first book in the trilogy has sold one million print copies in 11 weeks, beating The Da Vinci Code‘s previous record of sales of one million in 36 weeks.

The book is currently the 32nd bestselling book since records began in 1998.

But wait, there’s more:

The incredible success of EL James’s erotic novel is having an effect on the classical music industry.

After selling over one million copies on the Kindle and becoming the fastest print novel to sell one million copies, 50 Shades of Grey has also caused an increase in the sales of a piece of classical music.

The piece ‘Spem in alium’, sung by the Tallis Scholars is this week at number 7 in the official UK Classical Singles Chart.

So it’s not all bad; in fact, there is even a fortunate bonus: finally, America has learned how to spell ‘grey’ correctly.

HP Sauce

HP Sauce (Photo credit: Tom BKK)

I leave the last word to Raymond Hodgson, 31, who was charged with common assault against his partner of five years (though both still live at home with their respective parents), Emma McCormick.  His solicitor told the court that Hodgson was enraged that his girlfriend was reading a book he felt was pornographic in nature, and they had an argument in person and by text, over two days:

“He went to her home at 7pm on June 26 and took with him a bottle of brown sauce.

She answered the door and the argument continued.

She went to close the door and he jammed his foot into the door, slapped her once in the face, and then squirted her with this bottle of sauce.” 

[…]

He said that he did what he did to Miss McCormick to show her what saucy really meant.

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Twilight: A Real Horror Movie

28 Dec

I don’t watch horror movies; I watch few suspense movies; thrillers?  Not at all.  I don’t like feeling frightened.  I don’t read scary books.  I had to forego my daily dose of the excellent Kate Shrewsday over Christmas, because she wrote a three-day ghost story.  The Muppet Christmas Carol is as ghostly as it gets for me.

So vampires…forget it!  The Hub, before he fully understood my need to live in a bubble of niceness, made me watch Scream and Interview With The Vampire.  Being clutched from behind in the middle of a deep sleep in the middle of the night by a terrified wife who woke up and hallucinated giant spiders and pretty vampires and knife-wielding masked men gave him so many near-heart attacks that he decided to stop my film-nasties education, and never resumed it.  Particularly after the night I jumped out of bed, screaming ‘Fire!  Fire!’, having watched The Towering Inferno at last, because ‘it is a classic’, and he realised he was living in a nightmare of his own making. 

Cover of "Twilight (Two-Disc Special Edit...

Cover of Twilight (Two-Disc Special Edition)

 

The Hub likes the Twilight movies.  I bought him the trilogy box set for Christmas, to the amusement of our sons, who laughed at him for being a teenage girl and offered to buy him a Robert Pattinson poster for his wall.

The Hub made me watch the first one.  He assured me I would love it; it wasn’t frightening.  He promised.  He swore.  He was right.  It wasn’t frightening.  I did love it.  It was a romance between a lonely teenage girl and one of the undead.  What could be more natural?

Robert Pattinson was sexy in Twilight; I’ll admit.  It’s not pervy of me to think that because he was seventeen in 1918 which makes him 110 by my reckoning; and that makes him the perv, if you think about it: chasing after a teenage girl.

He was brooding and dark and all of those things women like in a fictional man.  Not so much fun when you have to live with it, I imagine.  Edward (RP) wants Bella (Kristen Stewart); he enters her room while she’s asleep, and watches her.  Just stands there and watches her.  He doesn’t sleep, you see; so that’s okay then.  He follows her, but that’s all right because if he didn’t follow her, he couldn’t save her from the nasty gang of young men who have horrid thoughts about her.  Better the devil you know, I suppose.

Bella is much safer with Edward, because he will protect her from the really mean undead who want to dine on her.  Too bad he’s the one who exposed her to them in the first place.  And it’s fine that he tells her he can’t promise never to kill her, because she trusts him, you see; she loves him.

I loved this film; I did.  I’m eager to watch the sequels.  The Hub was right: it was a romance; it wasn’t frightening.  In the conventional sense.

But sending out the message to impressionable young women that it’s okay to love a man who stalks you and who tells you he might kill you one day?  That’s a real horror story.

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Postscript

Creating Reciprocity left such a great quote in the comments, I have added it here:

Harry Potter is about confronting fears, finding inner strength and doing what is right in the face of adversity. Twilight is about how important it is to have a boyfriend. 

Stephen King

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