Men Are From Mars; Women Are From Who Cares?

Picture the scene: a new box of cereal, too tall for the cereal shelf.

Solution: reduce the size of the box.

Here is the Hub’s handiwork:

           Crunchy Neat

Here is mine:

            Rice Tearmies

Where do you stand on the Seriously?  It’s just cereal! debate?

Untidy Lounge, Untidy Mind.

My house is cluttered; you know this.  

You also know that from time to time the mess gets me down even though, for the most part, I can live with it.

Last Wednesday was such a day.

This was my train of thought: I‘m never going to get rid of this stuff.  Well, not until there’s just me, anyway, and I can decide without argument what stays and what goes.

Here’s what I said to the Hub: I can’t wait until you die and I can get rid of this stuff.

Worst wife ever.

Wonder if I’ll get a Christmas present this year?

30 Reasons To Stay Married

 

• The dogs wouldn’t like it if we split up.
• The kids wouldn’t like it if we split up.
• The record collection wouldn’t like it if we split up.  Apart from Meat Loaf (mine) and The Sex Pistols (his), they’ve been one big, happy family for too long for a separation to work.
• The Hub wouldn’t like it if we split up.  He thinks thirty years of fights, kids, pets, fights, moving, troubles, fights, problems, woes and fights should mean something.  What a nitpicker.
• He strokes my hair when I can’t sleep.
• I pull his hair when he annoys me.  Whose hair would I pull if I didn’t have the Hub?
• He still thinks I’m beautiful.
• Poor, misguided fools are my thing.
• He doesn’t mind that I spend all of our money on books.  Well, he does; but he doesn’t complain about it.
• He found it perfectly reasonably that I wanted our wedding song to be one written by a country singer about leaving her famous married lover which I discovered in a movie about a whorehouse.

• He buys the most thoughtful gifts: Presidential balls; trips to the Globe, the ballet, the theatre; long socks; Maltesers.
• He knows me inside out – watching a group on last week’s Britain’s Got Talent, he said he knew which one I found the most attractive.  He was right.  Then he said he knew which one I found next-most attractive.  He did.  And so on, through all five of them.  The man’s a freak.
• He can fix anything.  He can take an appliance apart, put it back together, throw the leftover screws (there are always leftover screws when he repairs something) in the recycling box and the machine works like new.  It’s scary.  And saves us a fortune (next point refers).
• He only sighs when my techneptitudinal brain breaks appliances by mere confused glances.
• He makes me laugh.
• He lets me make fun of him on my blog; which means he makes you lot laugh, too.
• He’s a know-it-all but, what’s worse, is that he’s not often wrong.  It’s annoying.  I include it as a reason to stay married, however, because I need the challenge of pointing out his errors.  It’s what gets me through the day since I gave up Sudoku.
• He’s as hard as nails on the outside but a big, soppy mare over animals.  Which is why we have, in the course of thirty years, owned seven gerbils, three cockatiels, three budgies, five cats, four dogs and several thousand fish.  Why do you think I read so much?  I can’t find him in the zoo and I need to pass the time somehow.
• He gave me two beautiful children.  And seven gerbils, three cockatiels, three budgies, five cats, four dogs and several thousand fish.
• He sews up a storm.  Our kids always had the best costumes at school events. 

• He accepts that I am not romantic and all of my love poems to him tend to poke fun at his own wild romanticism.
• He cooks like a Michelin-starred chef.  He gathers together interesting ingredients and voilà! a three course meal for brunch.  It does my head in that he’s not well enough to cook anymore.  How selfish of him to get ill like that.
• He can really drive.  I mean really.  His parallel parking is the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen.
• He’s the boss.  He says we have to stay married.  You know I’m an obedient wife who never disagrees with him, so staying married it is.
• He doesn’t like poetry and complains that I should be writing a runaway bestseller to support us.  He totally believes I’m capable of it.  To shut him up, I had a go at NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month – the aim of which is to write 50,000 words in a month).  I managed 12,000 words of a dull romance in which my hero was a traffic warden.  Need I say more?
• Back to the not liking poetry – he complains that it won’t make us any money and then ferries me around from one free/unpaid gig/workshop/event to another, leaving me with a kiss and collecting me later with another kiss.
• He has no patience and a short fuse.  This might not seem like a reason to stay married to him; and you’re right: it’s not.  But I have to remind myself as I’m writing this list that he’s not perfect by any means, despite his great husbandness; otherwise, I might start appreciating him.
• He’ll read this list and write thirty reasons why he should stay married to me, and I guarantee it’ll be all soppy and nice and make me all gooey inside.  He’s really annoying sometimes.
• To prove the scoffers wrong.  Lots of people predicted that we would break up within a year when we got married.  I don’t know why; it’s not like I broke off our engagement three times or anything…oh, wait…
• Love.

Happy 30th anniversary, darling.  Love you. x

 

 

 

Why I’ll Never Leave The Hub

I went out to visit a friend this afternoon; I found this hidden in my laptop when I got back:

It was a song I’d never heard before.  Read the lyrics when you listen:

What woman in her right mind would willingly give up such a romantic?  

Not me, that’s for sure.

Warning: This Blog Is About To Get All Soppy*

*Which is so out of character, I seriously considered starting yet another blog, for my weak days.

Today is St Valentine’s Day.  The Hub and I never celebrate it.  He’s thoughtful of and caring towards me.  He gives me love notes, flowers and little gifts all year round.   You’ve heard me boast about it.  He can also be a great big jerk sometimes, but that’s marriage for you.

The Hub doesn’t believe in St Valentine’s Day.  He thinks that people shouldn’t need a special day  to show their love; they should show it all the time.

That puts me in a bit of pickle: I’m not a romantic like the Hub and my way of showing my love is not spitting in his dinner when I’m mad at him.  He doesn’t think that’s particularly in my favour.

So, I did what I always do when I’m confronted with an emotional conundrum: I wrote a poem. Enjoy, and don’t think too badly of me.

*

What’s Love?

For Paul, the love of my life

 

What’s love?
It’s your hand holding the sick bowl, wiping my face.
It’s crying for someone who gave you a lifetime of grief;
because I loved her and you love me. It’s letting me hate you in
hormonal periods. It’s sitting, sweating in your undies
because I’m cold and won the fight over the central heating.
It’s playing taxi. It’s calming me on kitchen days. It’s buying
takeaways when the wallet can’t take it but soothing failed.
It’s tolerating my beliefs, so crazy to you. It’s your gift of two
beloved boys, knowing they displaced you, and not caring.
It’s golf balls at Christmas and Shakespeare at fifty.
It’s doing what I ask when you really don’t want to.
It’s putting me first.
It’s time, not money.
Sometimes, it’s money.
It’s the everyday ordinary and the occasionally sublime.
It’s blaming the world for my setbacks, when you know it’s
really me. It’s sending me to South Africa, France, Widnes.
It’s love notes in my laptop, my diary, the fridge.
It’s accepting my fat. It’s rejoicing when I’m slim.
It’s rocking a colicky baby all night then working all day.
It’s no sleep. It’s sore feet.
It’s working too hard, too long, too far away.
It’s coming home again. It’s trust. It’s not eating burgers
because there’s steak at home. It’s knowing what matters.
It’s hard times, unhappy times, tragic times.
It’s staying together.
It’s you and me, two kids and thirty years.
It’s you.
That’s love.

*

*

That’s got to pay off at least a year’s supply of hearts written on milk bottles, hasn’t it?

Joke 988

Edward Lear, the 19th Century landscape artist, once wrote of a favourite duchess who gave magnificent dinner parties, attended by the highest society.

One night whilst entertaining, she let out a huge fart and quickly focused her gaze on Hawkins the Butler, standing behind her.

“Hawkins!” she cried, “Stop that!”

“Certainly, Your Grace,” Hawkins replied with dignity, “Which way did it go?”

*

From Butlers2go

Jokes from the archive:

*

What sound do toddler owls make?

Why…why…why…

*

Somebody’s just thrown a massive lump of cheese at me!

I thought to myself, that’s not very mature.

*

At a wedding reception recently someone yelled, “All the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living.” 

The bartender was nearly crushed to death.

*

My mate’s wife left him last Thursday; she said she was going out for a pint of milk and never came back.

I asked him how he was coping and he said, “Not bad, I’ve been using that powdered stuff.”

*

 

Joke 982

Coffee flowchart at the office (Photo credit: supercooper)

A couple argue about who should make the coffee in the morning.

Wife: I think you should do it because you get up first.

Husband: The kitchen is your domain, and you do all the cooking so you know where everything is. I think you should make the coffee.

Wife: No way.  You should do it. The Bible even says so.

She grabs the family Bible, thumbs through, and points to the appropriate section: “Hebrews”

funny pictures (Photo credit: Philippe Lin)

From ajokeaday.com

Joke 980

Marriage Proposal Cartoon (Photo credit: Mr. Daniel Ted Feliciano)

A man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, “I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.”

The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”

The man replies, “That would be my wife.”

*

From paradigmsearch.hubpages.com

Joke 976

Marital Blitz (1959) … Top Tracks for Rod Stewart …item 1c.. Maggie May …item 2.. How to keep your marriage vibrant after many years. (December 16, 2012 / 3 Tevet 5773) … (Photo credit: marsmet546)

“Honey,” says a husband to his wife, “I invited a friend home for supper.”

“What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess. I haven’t been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal!”

“I know all that.”

“Then why did you invite a friend for supper?”

“Because the poor fool’s thinking about getting married.” 

*

From ajokeaday.com

Joke 947

Portrait of a Lady (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, ”Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby brooch, and gold Rolex.”

“But you’re not wearing any of those things,” replied the artist.

“I know,” she said. “It’s in case I should die before my husband. I’m sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewellery.”

*

From ajokeaday.com

Joke 935

Never, ever, think outside the box (Photo credit: Mrs eNil)

A man looks at his wife of 25 years and says, “Honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV; but I got to sleep with a hot 25 year-old blonde every night.  Now we have a $300,000.00 house, a $50,000.00 car, a nice big bed and plasma screen TV; but I am sleeping with a 50 year-old woman.  It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things.”

The wife, being a reasonable woman, said, “Go out and find a hot 25 year-old blonde…and I will make sure that you, once again, will be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.”

*

From Jokes Monday

Joke 911

Enemy Engaged 2 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A young man finds the woman of his dreams and asks her to marry him. He tells his mother he wants her to meet his fiancee, but he wants to make a bit of a game out of it. He says he’ll bring the girl over with two other women and see if his mother can guess which is the one he wants to marry. His mother agrees to the game.

That night, he shows up at his mother’s house with three beautiful young ladies. They all sit down on the couch, and everyone has a wonderful evening talking and getting to know each other.

At the end of the evening, the young man asks his mother, ‘OK, Mom, which one is the woman I want to marry?’

Without hesitation his mother replies, ‘The one in the middle.’

The young man is astounded. ‘How in the world did you figure it out?’

‘Easy,’ she says. ‘I don’t like her.’

*

From batchmates.com

 

Weekly Photo Challenge Catch-Up

Checking my Daily Prompt folder, I discovered I have 224 prompts to answer.  I thought I’d better make a start.

WPC: Curves

The Hub and I celebrated his 21st birthday in our second home.  We had been married four months and still had our figures:

WPC: Fleeting

My love for the Hub was fleeting.  It lasted as long as the time it took to develop this photograph:

WPC: The World Through My Eyes

I see the world through eyes that are still this young:

WPC: Companionable

We have always been companionable, so long as I tell him what to do and he does it:

In return, I have to wear a green headdress at all times.

WPC: Foreshadow

Here’s a foreshadowing of our relationship:

WPC: An Unusual Point Of View

Here’s an unusual point of view – the Hub is telling me what to do:

Don’t worry: it was only which section of the paper I could have.  Natural order was soon restored:

Joke 880

Difference between Men and Women (Photo credit: -LucaM- Photography WWW.LUCAMOGLIA.IT)

• When women are depressed they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It’s a whole different way of thinking.
• When a man gives his opinion, he’s a man. When a woman gives her opinion, she’s a bitch.
• Diamonds are a girl’s best friend. Dogs are a man’s best friend. Now you know which sex is smarter.
• The only way to understand a woman is to love her – and then it isn’t necessary to understand her.
• To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change and she does.
• Men marry because they are tired; women because they are curious. Both are disappointed.
• A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her; a man, of the woman who he didn’t.
• There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman – before marriage and after marriage.
• Only two things are necessary to keep a wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.
• Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
• Any married man should forget his mistakes – no use two people remembering the same thing.
• Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.
• A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
• If you women knew what we were thinking, you’d never stop slapping us.
• Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.

From hehe.at

 

Joke 872

3 9 09 Bearman Cartoon City Council Job copy (Photo credit: Bearman2007)

I left three notes scattered around the house for my girlfriend.  They say “Will”, “You” and “Me”.

That will keep her busy while I watch football on TV.

*

A couple enjoy a Saturday night drink.  Suddenly the wife says, ‘I love you.’

Her surprised husband asks, ‘Is that you or the wine talking?’

She replies, ‘This is me, talking to the wine.’

*

From funnyjokes&quotes.com