Tag Archives: Math

Joke 985

3 Dec

My nine-year-old daughter walked in while I was getting ready for work. “What are you doing?” she asked.

“Putting on my wrinkle cream,” I answered.

“Oh,” she said, walking away. “I thought they were natural.”
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From Readers Digest

Two more from the archive:

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What do you call a cat that cuts your grass?

A lawn meower.

The Evolution Of Math

1950:
A lumberjack sells a truckload of lumber for $100.  His cost of production is 4/5 of this price. What is his profit?

1960 (traditional math):
A lumberjack sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of this price, or in other words $80. What is his profit?

1970 (new math):
A lumberjack exchanges a set L of lumber for a set M of money.  The cardinality of set M is 100, and each element is worth $1.  Make 100 dots representing the elements of set M.  The set C is a subset of set M, of cardinality 80. What is the cardinality of the set P of profits, if P is the difference set MC?

1980 (equal opportunity math):
A lumberjack sells a truckload of wood for $100. His or her cost of production is $80, and his or her profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

1990 (outcome based education):
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, a lumberperson makes $20. What do you think of his way of making a living?  In your group, discuss how the forest birds and squirrels feel, and write an essay about it.

1995 (entrepreneurial math):
By laying off 402 of its lumberjacks, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.

1998 (motivational math):
A logging company exports its wood-finishing jobs to its foreign subsidiary and lays off the corresponding half of its US workers (the higher-paid half). It clear-cuts 95% of the forest, leaving the rest for the spotted owl, and lays off all its remaining US workers. It tells the workers that the spotted owl is responsible for the absence of fellable trees and lobbies Congress for exemption from the Endangered Species Act. Congress instead exempts the company from all federal regulation. What is the return on investment of the lobbying?

A nurse is giving a new intern a tour of the hospital.

The intern approaches one bedridden patient and asks, “Why are you here?”

The patient replies, “Wee sleket cowerin’ timrous beastie/O, what a panic is in thy breastie.”

The intern moves on to the next bed and asks the same question.  

The patient answers, “O, my luve’s like a red, red, rose that’s newly sprung in June.”

At the third bed the intern asks again, “Why are you here?” 

The third patient replies, “The best laid plans of mice and men, may often gang awry.”

At this, the intern turns to the nurse and asks, “What ward is this anyway?”

The nurse answers, “It’s the Burns Unit.”

[Tilly Bud math]

 

Joke 883

23 Aug
funny math

funny math (Photo credit: Yuchao.L)

It’s time we got serious around here, so I have a few math/s jokes for you.  If you understand them, please tell me if they are funny (with the exception of the one about the statistician; I got that one).

  • Mathematics is made of 50 percent formulas, 50 percent proofs, and 50 percent imagination.
  • “A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems” (P. Erdos)  Addendum: American coffee is good for lemmas.
  • An engineer thinks that his equations are an approximation to reality. A physicist thinks reality is an approximation to his equations. A mathematician doesn’t care.
  • Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions.
  • Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them, they translate it into their own language, and forthwith it means something entirely different. — Goethe
  • Mathematics is the art of giving the same name to different things. — J. H. Poincare
  • What is a rigorous definition of rigor?
  • There is no logical foundation of mathematics, and Gödel has proved it!
  • I do not think — therefore I am not.

    funny math

    funny math (Photo credit: Yuchao.L)

Here is the illustration of this principle:
One evening Rene Descartes went to relax at a local tavern. The tender approached and said, “Ah, good evening Monsieur Descartes! Shall I serve you the usual drink?”  Descartes replied, “I think not,” and promptly vanished.

  • A topologist is a person who doesn’t know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.
  • A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn’t there. (Charles R Darwin)
  • A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
  • Classification of mathematical problems as linear and nonlinear is like classification of the Universe as bananas and non-bananas.
  • A law of conservation of difficulties: there is no easy way to prove a deep result.
  • A tragedy of mathematics is a beautiful conjecture ruined by an ugly fact.
  • Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.

    Bad maths!

    Bad maths! (Photo credit: linniekin)

  • Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules.   Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.
  • Math is like love; a simple idea, but it can get complicated.
  • Mathematics is like checkers in being suitable for the young, not too difficult, amusing, and without peril to the state. (Plato)
  • The difference between an introvert and extrovert mathematicians is: An introvert mathematician looks at his shoes while talking to you. An extrovert mathematician looks at your shoes.
  • Medicine makes people ill, mathematics make them sad and theology makes them sinful. (Martin Luther)
hard math

hard math (Photo credit: misterbisson)

From math.utah.edu

 

Joke 443

9 Jun
Math Fun

Math Fun (Photo credit: *Kitto)

Thanks to Elaine at I Used To Be Indecisive for these two.

 

 

Did you hear about the explosion in the pie factory?

3.141592 people were injured.

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There are 10 kinds of mathematicians.

Those who can think binarily and those who can’t.

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I’m Being Stupid; Join Me

11 Oct
North Mock

Image via Wikipedia

Several comments on the last post have left the impression that you are not keen on maths blogs.  You are missing the point: I am not trying to educate you.  I am following the centuries-old Code of the Stupid and making fun of what I don’t understand.

Don’t feel intimidated: be a bully, like me.  Mock the intelligent and feel better about yourself.  After all, what use is maths to we wordsmiths, except as a useful dispute with our friends over the pond, who call it math?

Idiots of the blogosphere, unite!  We have nothing to lose but our credibility!

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Joke 188

28 Sep

This comes from Michelle in South Africa, who is almost single-handedly keeping me supplied in funnies.

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?  We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help  you answer these questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And

B-U-L-L-S-H-!-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

And look how far ass kissing will take you:

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it’s the Bullsh!t and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

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This one’s for Tory Boy.  He knows why.

Joke 115

17 Jul

The Evolution Of Math

1950:
A lumberjack sells a truckload of lumber for $100.  His cost of production is 4/5 of this price. What is his profit?

1960 (traditional math):
A lumberjack sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of this price, or in other words $80. What is his profit?

1970 (new math):
A lumberjack exchanges a set L of lumber for a set M of money.  The cardinality of set M is 100, and each element is worth $1.  Make 100 dots representing the elements of set M.  The set C is a subset of set M, of cardinality 80. What is the cardinality of the set P of profits, if P is the difference set MC?

1980 (equal opportunity math):
A lumberjack sells a truckload of wood for $100. His or her cost of production is $80, and his or her profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

1990 (outcome based education):
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, a lumberperson makes $20. What do you think of his way of making a living?  In your group, discuss how the forest birds and squirrels feel, and write an essay about it.

1995 (entrepreneurial math):
By laying off 402 of its lumberjacks, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.

1998 (motivational math):
A logging company exports its wood-finishing jobs to its foreign subsidiary and lays off the corresponding half of its US workers (the higher-paid half). It clear-cuts 95% of the forest, leaving the rest for the spotted owl, and lays off all its remaining US workers. It tells the workers that the spotted owl is responsible for the absence of fellable trees and lobbies Congress for exemption from the Endangered Species Act. Congress instead exempts the company from all federal regulation. What is the return on investment of the lobbying?

11.5.11

11 May

I’ve said all I can think of to say on the number eleven, so what about the number five?

File:Evolution5glyph.png

  • It is Spud’s favourite number (What?  You didn’t think this was going to be a serious exposition, did you?).  We – and he – didn’t know why it was his favourite number until a couple of months ago, when I dug out some of his baby teddies and there was a horse, stuffed and blinkered (See no evil?  A peg on the nose would have been better in a cot, don’t you think?  Smell no evil…).  With a massive number 5 on the toy horse blanket.  The brain is weird (but you knew that, regular visitor).
  • 5 is the third prime number.  I thought it would be the fifth prime number, if I thought about it at all, but the Hub said to just leave the maths to him in future and not worry my pretty little head about it.  How can a head be pretty?  Face, yes (blush – my earlier post on the meaning of my name refers); hair, maybe (Dani Minogue, step forward)…but head?  It’s just as well the Hub does my thinking for me, because that one hurts.
  • 5ive were a successful British boy band.  Now they’re all grown up and doing their own thing.  I saw them in a reality show before they were famous, living in the house next door to the family in the show.  I remember them because they were naughty boys, not a bit like
  • The Famous Five.  Ginger beer, anyone?  I’ve lashings!  Number 17, Five Get Into A Fix, was my favourite; mostly because I’d never heard of a three-tiered bunk bed before, and wanted to sleep in one.  Perhaps I should add that to my Things To Do Before I Die list.  See me at 103 – it’d take several hours to get up the ladder.  And what if I needed a wee in the night?  Pity the poor Hub sleeping below me…
  • There is a 1951 movie called FiveThe world is destroyed in a nuclear holocaust. Only five Americans survive…dum dum dum dahhhh!  According to IMDb, all of life is represented there: including a pregnant woman, a neo-Nazi, a black man and a bank clerk.  Yes, I know that’s only four, but there has to be some mystery.

That’s five disparate facts about five.  I think I’ll stop there.  Except to share this:

Under British law, when you reach
the age of five –

  • you become `of compulsory school
    age’,
  • you can see a U or PG category
    film at a cinema,
  • you have to pay child’s fare on
    trains,
  • you can drink alcohol in private,
    for example at home.

I’m off now: next door’s toddler and I plan to spend the afternoon getting drunk. 

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You know, maybe that last one isn’t as crazy as I think it is: my spellchecker just substituted ‘toddies’ for ‘teddies’…

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