Joke 991

Map of Bournemouth Beach and Poole Bay, Dorset (Photo credit: Alwyn Ladell)

-My wife went on a sailing course in Poole

-In Dorset?

-Yes, she’d recommend it to anyone.

*

From ybw.com

From the archive:

If Men Ruled the World…

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to “I love you.”

Hallmark would make “Sorry, what was your name again?” cards.

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she’d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the bum and a “Nice hustle, you’ll get ‘em next time” would pretty much do it.

Birth control would come in ale or lager.

Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the football team of your choice.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

“Sorry I’m late, but I got really drunk last night” would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

Tanks would be easier to rent.

Garbage would take itself out.

Instead of beer belly, you’d get “beer biceps.”

Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, “You’re #1!”

Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

“Cops” would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops.

The only show opposite “Monday Night Football” would be “Monday Night Football From A Different Camera Angle.”

Two men walk into a building.

You’d think at least one of them would have seen it.

There was an opening in the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are extremely difficult to fill, requiring an extensive background check, training, and testing before candidates are even considered for the position. After reviewing several applicants and completing all the checks and training, the field was narrowed to the three most promising candidates. The day came for the final test which would determine which of the equally qualified candidates, would get the job.

The final candidates were two men and one woman. The agents administering the test took the first candidate, a man, down a corridor to a closed door and handed him a gun saying, “We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.” The man, shocked, said, “You can’t be serious! I could never kill my wife.” The CIA agent said, “Well, then, you’re obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home.”

They brought the next candidate in, the other man, and repeated the instructions. This man took the gun, walked into the room and closed the door. However, after five minutes of silence, the door opened and the man handed the CIA agent the gun, saying, “I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t kill my wife. I tried to pull the trigger but I just couldn’t do it.” The CIA man said, “Well, then, you’re obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home.”

Then they brought the woman down the corridor to the closed door, handed her a gun, and said, “We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your husband, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill him.” The woman took the gun, walked into the room, and before the door closed all the way, the CIA agents heard the gun start firing. One shot after another, for thirteen shots, the noise continued. Then all hell broke loose. For the next several minutes, the men heard screaming, cursing, furniture crashing and banging on the walls; then suddenly, silence. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!”

Joke 852

Lost in Translation

No picture today.  I had an illustration for you – an amusing cartoon – but I couldn’t bring myself to post it because there was a spelling mistake…I think I need help.

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female……Any part under a car’s hood.
Male……..The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female……Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
Male……..Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female……The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
Male…Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment)
Female…….A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male………Not trying to pick up other women while out with one’s girlfriend.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v.
Female……A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male……..Anything that can be done while drinking, and ends with sex.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female……An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male……..A source of entertainment, self-statement and male bonding.
7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female……The greatest statement of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male……..Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female…….A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male………A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 5 minutes.

*

Thanks to Viveka for this one.

Joke 604

Thanks to Viveka for this one.

Men don’t understand us, so here’s a translation guide:

(Photo credit: deeplifequotes)

We say: You want
It means: You want

We say: We need
It means: I want

We say: It’s your decision
It means: The correct decision should be obvious

We say: What do you want?
It means: You’ll pay for this later

We say: We need to talk
It means: I’m not pleased

We say: Sure…go ahead
It means: If you dare

We say: I’m not upset
It means: Of course I’m upset you moron

We say: You’re…so manly
It means: You need a shave and you sweat a lot

We say: Be romantic, turn out the lights
It means: I have flabby thighs.

We say: This kitchen is so inconvenient
It means: I want a new house.

We say: I want new curtains
It means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper

We say: I need new shoes
It means: The other forty pairs don’t really fit

We say: Hang the picture there
It means: No, I mean hang it there!

We say: I heard a noise
It means: I noticed you were almost asleep

We say: Do you love me?
It means: I’m going to ask for something expensive.

We say: How much do you love me?
It means: I did something today you’re not going to like

We say: I’ll be ready in a minute.
It means: Take a nap.

We say: Am I fat?
It means: Tell me I’m beautiful

Joke 472

Several people sent this one to me.  All of them women.

English: I made this image myself in microsoft powerpoint (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

WICOE
(Women In Charge Of Everything)

Is proud to announce the opening of its
CLASSES FOR MEN!

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants

The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step-by-step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS – DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practising with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE:
DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK
OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts

REMOTE CONTROL
Losing the remote control – help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place
instead of turning the house upside down and screaming –
open forum

DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS:
FRIDGE OR BIN?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH:
BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY
AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS:
BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN
YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR WIFE
Role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES
& CALLING WHEN YOU’RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT:
LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available

 

 

Joke 445

 

Portrait of a man with a large moustache (Photo credit: Australian National Maritime Museum on The Commons)

I’ve seen variations of this in several places, so I pulled the best ones together.

Why it’s good to be a man:

* You don’t have to change your last name.
* The garage is all yours.
* Wedding plans take care of themselves.
* You can never be pregnant.
* Chocolate is just another snack.
* You can open all your own jars.
* You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
* Car mechanics tell you the truth.
* Your underwear is £10 for a three-pack.
* You never have strap problems in public.
* People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.
* New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
* You can do your nails with a pocket knife.
* Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
* You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
* Everything on your face stays its original colour.
* You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
* You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
* You can do Christmas shopping for thirty relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

Joke 238

Thanks to Viv for this one.

Five tips for a woman

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on, who doesn’t lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don’t know each other.

Foot Note:

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob: ‘If we don’t get some support soon, people will think we’re nuts.’

Auntie Freda’s Funny

Image via Wikipedia

Wanda’s dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a check. Oh, by the way don’t worry about my dog Spike. He won’t bother you.”

“But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!”

“I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!”

When the repairman arrived at Wanda’s apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he had ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching him go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled,
“Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!”

To which the parrot replied…

“Get him Spike!”

See – men just don’t listen!

It’s Raining In Stockport, And I’ve Got The Red Eye To Prove It

Image via Wikipedia

I met a friend at a little café in Stockport for breakfast this morning – £1.60 for tea, and two free slices of toast if you order before ten a.m.  It was worth going out for.  It’s always worth going out for free food.  I won’t mention the outrageous bus fare: £1.60 there, and another £1.60 back, but with no toast thrown in.  That was topped by a thirty-minute wait at a wet bus stop because the traffic was horrendous.

I had my umbrella, of course: what self-respecting Brit woman doesn’t?  Not self-respecting Brit men, though.  British men don’t do umbrellas except in movies with bowler hats.  They prefer to get wet.  They may die of pneumonia brought on by a thorough soaking, but at least they die like men.  Or, to give them their correct title, stupid men.

My umbrella is one of those see-through plastic ones the Queen made popular in the Seventies so that she and the Great Wet British Public could see each other on walkabouts.

(You know, I’ve always considered the Hub with his airline mania to be a real geek, but at least he doesn’t subscribe to ‘Umbrella World’)

My umbrella.  Eye, there’s the rub.  I used it yesterday and left it to dry in the downstairs toilet, propped in a corner under the bottle of liquid soap.  On the way to the bus stop this morning I was pleasantly surprised to see the pounding rain pound pretty soap bubbles off its surface, obviously a result of having a clean family who always wash their hands after a comfort break.  I was just admiring a huge one that sneaked under the brolly with me (bubble, not family; it’s only a small umbrella), when it popped, squirting soap shrapnel into my eye.  I was so startled (and in pain), I stepped back, slipped off the pavement, and into a large and dirty puddle.

How I wish I had a dirty family.  If no-one washed their hands after a comfort break, I would be eye-less-in-gauze, err, and not nursing foot rot.*

*I confess, none of that last line is true.  My real medical problem is hyperboleitis.**

**Defined in Tilly’s Dictionary of Made-Up Words as an inability to blog without exaggerating for comic effect. 

Can you forgive me?***

***You have to; I’m racked with guilt and heaving great wracking sobs as I type.****

****Okay, I’ve got a snotty nose from walking in the rain.*****

*****This could go on forever, you know.

The Post Woman Only Slaps Once

I am just about to go to bed; I am having visitors tomorrow so I thought I would get my post in now and then I won’t have to worry about it. Bed is supposed to be a place of rest and recuperation (well it is at my age) but it wasn’t like that for the Hub last night: I turned over in my sleep and slapped him in the face. They say we do the things in our dreams that we would like to do in life but don’t have the courage for…poor Hub.

Before you start feeling sorry for him, let me tell you that I am not the only violent sleeper in this marriage: more than once he has dreamed he’s in a fight and has punched the wall. Sometimes he wakes up with a bruised hand and wonders why; sometimes I wake him up by yelling at him that he nearly got me that time. Then he mutters, ‘Curses!  Foiled again.’  Maybe we should think about separate beds or arguing less. No: when I suggested it we argued more.

We are great squabblers over stupid things: the door’s not quite shut; whichever one of us closed the curtains left a gap; the pillows are the wrong way round on the bed; one of us ate all the cheese & onion crisps. It used to bother me but now I think it works like a whistling kettle (on a stove top, naturally): a little tension is released each day so we avoid drying up and exploding. I have known the break up of couples who never argue; by annoying each other each day we are actually saving our marriage. That’s what I’ll tell him next time he moans that I didn’t take my empty cup into the kitchen. Right before I throw it at him.

I wonder if it’s the squabbles that make me punish the Hub in the night, when we are both asleep? Apparently, I often yank his pillow out from under him so that his head crashes to the mattress. It wouldn’t hurt when awake but he tells me it’s a shocker when you’re dreaming that Demi Moore has at last seen the light and dumped Ashton for a real man, and you suddenly find yourself flat on your back with a humped-back woman hogging the bed. The humped-back woman is me cuddling his pillow and imitating a chevron.

Then there is the matter of the duvet: the poor love is under the impression that, because he sleeps in the same bed, he’s entitled to a share in it; he has delusions of equality. Men think the funniest things, don’t they? He’ll be wanting more than a quarter of the mattress next.