Disgruntled

Yesterday was Mothering Sunday in Britain.  

It was also the day the clocks went forward.

The one day a year a mother gets an extra hour in bed and it’s stolen from her by British Summer Time?

The calendar is clearly compiled by a man.

Joke 360

Mother’s Dictionary of Meanings

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.
Full Name: What you call your child when you’re mad at him.
Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.
Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
Independent: How we want our children to be for as long as they do everything we say.
Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
Show Off: A child who is more talented than yours.
Sterilize: What you do to your first baby’s dummy by boiling it, and to your last baby’s dummy by blowing on it and wiping it with saliva.
Top Bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pyjamas.
Two-Minute Warning: When the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar-grunting noises.
Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.

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I’d like to be the ideal mother, but I’m too busy raising my kids.

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COLUMBUS’S MOTHER: I don’t care what you’ve discovered, Christopher.  You could have written.

MICHELANGELO’S MOTHER: Mike, can’t you paint on walls like other children?  Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?

ALBERT EINSTEIN’S MOTHER: But, Albert, it’s your senior picture. Can’t you do  something about your hair?  Styling gel, mousse, something…?

THOMAS EDISON’S MOTHER: Of course I’m proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and  get to bed!

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Working mothers are guinea pigs in a scientific experiment to show that sleep is not necessary to human life.

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John forgot his lines in a Sunday school play. Luckily his mother was in the front row.  She gestured and formed the words silently with her lips, but it did not  help. John’s memory was completely blank. Finally, she leaned forward and  whispered the cue, ‘I am the light of the world.’

John beamed and with great feeling and a loud clear voice announced, ‘My mother is the light of the world.’

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A mother’s role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after.  Peter De Vries

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God could not be everywhere and therefore he made mothers.  A Jewish Proverb

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When you hear the toilet flush and the words ‘uh oh’, it’s  already too late.

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There is only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it.  Chinese Proverb

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What My Mother Taught Me:

• My mother taught me RELIGION: “You’d better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
• My mother taught me TIME TRAVEL: “If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
• My mother taught me FORESIGHT: “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”
• My mother taught me IRONY: “Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”
• My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM: “Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
• My mother taught me about WEATHER: “This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”
• My mother taught me about ENVY: “There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”
• My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION: “Just wait until we get home.”
• My mother taught me about RECEIVING: “You are going to get it when you get home!”
• My mother taught me HUMOUR: “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
• My mother taught me WISDOM: “When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”
• My mother taught me about JUSTICE: “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.”

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A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest.  Irish Proverb

Happy Mothers’ Day!

Joke 45

At a Sunday school class the teacher asked a child, “Do you pray to God before your meals?”

The child replied, “No ma’am, my mom’s a good cook!”

Happy Mother’s Day, Yankee Mommas, German Mamas, Aussie Mums, and everyothermother, from a Pommie Mummy who’s already had hers. 

Happy Mother’s Day, Mums

It’s Mother’s Day here in the UK.  I have been fortunate to have two great Mums: my own, a warm and generous woman, who, in spite of our difficult relationship, never loved me with anything less than her whole heart, and always let me know it; and my Mum-in-law (Mam), a warm and generous woman, who treated me like a daughter and always showed me she loved me too.

If you’d like to read about my own experience of Mother’s Day today, in which I show my love by berating my boys, head on over to my other blog.

Two More Bits

Defenestration.  Sounds like something that might be a bit naughty, doesn’t it?  It is, in a way.  It is the act of throwing a person out of a window.  Isn’t it bizarre that there should be a word for it?  I can understand words like knifing, shooting, tickling, but defenestrating?  It’s not even as threatening as it ought to be: tell someone you’re going to to knife them or throw them out of a window and the old bladder will start tickling, but how terrified would you be if someone told you, ‘Give me your Barbie doll collection, Ken, or I’m going to defenestrate you’?  I’m thinking not much.*

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I remembered this morning that I haven’t shared the poem that Spud wrote for Mother’s Day, so here it is in all its wonderful glory and iffy spelling, excluding the ink blotches:

  

What more can I say, you brighten up my day.

When the school day starts, your cooking skills are sharp.

Crumpets, cereal or toast, I’ve got right to boast.

I know raising me is hard, which is why I got you an expensive card.

Of all the things you do, there’s no way I could re-pay you,

But wearing my SGS crest, I’ll just have to do my best.

When I’m feeling down, you’re there to kill my frown,

And when my mood is up, you’re there to back me up.

Then on Christmas day you get me a TV-A.

Forever making me the perfect ever Tea.

I love it when we talk, as we go for walks.

I love you oh so much and your special motherly touch.

You’ll be there when I’m shy, and if I need to cry.

I hope you’re always happy and never feeling crappy.

And when I’m old and grey and on my dieing day,

I’ll look back to when I was a kid and thankyou for all you did.

Child

 

Mummy

 You can see why I spent the morning of Mother’s Day blubbing into my Maltesers.

 

 

*Habit of a lifetime, I’m afraid.