Rules Are Made To Be Broken

Taking an inadvertent blogging break due to all of the studying I’m doing, I came across a post I wrote (hey, poets need downtime, too, you know), about a deliberate blogging break I took in 2013:

When I have time on my hands like this, I start thinking about myself. Always a mistake.  Last time I had nothing to do, I set a few rules and general guidelines to make Tilly Bud Tilly Blooming Lovely, Inside And Out.  Tilly Blooming Lovely IAO is, I am sure, well-groomed, relaxed, affable, clean, and at peace with herself.  Everyone will love her. Tilly Bud: The Menopause Years, not so much.

Forgive the use of an old photo; I wanted to look my best for you.

The Rules:

Presentation:

• Tilly Bud shall forthwith cease and desist speaking of herself in the third person.
• I’ll stop the pompous balderdash as well.
• I will address the next lot of rules to ‘you’ because the use of first person negates the funny.  Take it as read that ‘you’ is ‘me’.

Diet:

• When you eat the last Malteser, don’t open another box for at least an hour.
• Stop eating: you cannot starve to death in a morning.
• Exercise is not the enemy.  Dance, be a flibbertigibbet, chase the Hub around the house.
• Galaxy Bubbles are not an acceptable substitute for Maltesers.  Nor are Galaxy Bars, Galaxy Ripples or Galaxy Minstrels.
• They can, however, be enjoyed as a side dish.

Home:

• Never miss an opportunity to clean.
• The synchronicity of a dust bunny behind the couch and a vacuum cleaner in your hand should never be overlooked.

Computer:

• Nothing bad will happen if you stay offline for ten minutes.
• If your hand resembles a claw, put down the mouse and step away from the laptop.

Family:

• It’s okay to be nice to the Hub.
• Really.
• Just because your child didn’t call doesn’t mean A) you are a bad mother or B) he doesn’t love you.  It means he’s a bad son who doesn’t appreciate your stretch marks.
• Dogs are not substitute children.

Blog:

• It’s okay to be nice about the Hub.
• Really.
• Serendipity gave him to you; keep him sweet by throwing out the occasional compliment.

General:

• Stupid is as stupid does: pick a side.
• Life is like a box of chocolates: you can be a soft centre and a nut.
• Really.
• Forrest Gump is not the Oracle.  And that’s all I have to say about that.
• Never miss an opportunity to laugh (the first point under ‘Home’ refers)

This post first appeared five years ago.  Tilly Bud has since learned that the rules only work if you adhere to them.

Joke 710

Men are from Google, Women are from Yahoo! (Photo credit: inju)

Rules That Men Wished Women Knew

• Don’t cut your hair. Ever. It causes arguments when we comment on it.
• Birthdays, Valentines, and anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present…again!
• If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you  don’t want to hear.
• Sometimes, we’re not thinking about you. Live with it.
• Get rid of your cat. And no, it’s not different, it’s just like every other cat.
• Dogs are better than ANY cats.
• Sunday = Football/Rugby/Any other sport. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
• Shopping is not a sport.
• Anything you wear is fine. Really.
• You have enough clothes.
• You have too many shoes.
• Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don’t work.
• No, we don’t know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on  a calendar.
• Most blokes own two to three pairs of shoes.  What makes you think we’d  be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
• Yes, No and Mmm are perfectly acceptable answers.
• Check your oil. It is an essential part of the car.
• Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All  comments become null and void after 7 days.
• If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
• Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
• Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say  during commercials.
• When we are in bed and look tired this means that we are tired and does not mean that we want to discuss the relationship.
• If you want some dessert after a meal – order some. You don’t have to finish it. You can just taste it if you like but don’t say “No, I couldn’t/shouldn’t/don’t want any” and then eat half of mine.
• If you’re on a diet it doesn’t mean my meals should be rabbit-food nouvelle-cuisine style. A man’s four essential food groups are: white meat, red meat, cold beer and more cold beer. Please ensure all meals contain a good balance of the above in good quantities – everything else falls under the category ‘garnish’.
• Do not question our sense of direction.

 

From hitched.co.uk

Maybe A Break Is A Mistake

I’m halfway through my blogging break.  When I have time on my hands like this, I start thinking about myself.  Always a mistake.  Last time I had nothing to do, I set a few rules and general guidelines to make Tilly Bud Tilly Blooming Lovely, Inside And Out.  Tilly Blooming Lovely IAO is, I am sure, well-groomed, relaxed, affable, clean, and at peace with herself.  Everyone will love her.

The Rules:

Presentation:

• Tilly Bud shall forthwith cease and desist speaking of herself in the third person.
• I’ll stop the pompous balderdash as well.
• I will address the next lot of rules to ‘you’ because the use of first person negates the funny.  Take it as read that ‘you’ is ‘me’.

Diet:

• When you eat the last Malteser, don’t open another box for at least an hour.
• Stop eating: you cannot starve to death in a morning.
• Exercise is not the enemy.  Dance, be a flibbertigibbet, chase the Hub around the house.
• Galaxy Bubbles are not an acceptable substitute for Maltesers.  Nor are Galaxy bars, Galaxy Ripples or Galaxy Minstrels.
• They can, however, be enjoyed as a side dish.

Home:

• Never miss an opportunity to clean.
• The synchronicity of a dust bunny behind the couch and a vacuum cleaner in your hand should never be overlooked.

Computer:

• Nothing bad will happen if you stay offline for ten minutes.
• If your hand resembles a claw, put down the mouse and step away from the pc.

Family:

• It’s okay to be nice to the Hub.
• Really.
• Just because your child didn’t call doesn’t mean you are A) a bad mother or B) he doesn’t love you.  It means he’s a bad son who doesn’t appreciate your stretch marks.
• Dogs are not substitute children.

Blog:

• It’s okay to be nice about the Hub.
• Really.
• Serendipity gave him to you; keep him sweet by throwing out the occasional compliment.

General:

• Stupid is as stupid does: pick a side.
• Life is like a box of chocolates: you can be a soft centre and a nut.
• Really.
• Forrest Gump is not the Oracle.  And that’s all I have to say about that.
• Never miss an opportunity to laugh (the first point under ‘Home’ refers)

*

What would your rules be for a new you?

*

This post first appeared two years ago.  Tilly Bud has since learned that the rules only work if you adhere to them.

Joke 546

The jokes & quotes are from squarewheels.com.

• “There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.” Anonymous
• “Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.” Anonymous
• “Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” Jeff Valdez
• “In a cat’s eye, all things belong to cats.” English proverb
• “As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat.” Ellen Perry Berkeley
• “One cat just leads to another.”  Ernest Hemingway
• “Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you.” Mary Bly
• “Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.” Joseph Wood Krutch
• “There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.” Anonymous
• “Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well.” Missy Dizick
• “Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.” Joseph Wood Krutch
• “Cats aren’t clean, they’re just covered with cat spit.” John S. Nichols
• “Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will p**s on your computer.” Bruce Graham