Joke 914

Cowslip (Primula veris) On the grass verge on May Day. According to legend, St Peter dropped the keys to Heaven and where they landed Cowslips grew (the flowers were thought to resemble a set of keys). Its name derives from “cowpat”, (Old English “cuslyppe”) from where Cowslips would spring up when they were common in the wild. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A good, rich man was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel heard his plea and appeared to him. “Sorry, but you can’t take your wealth with you.” The man implored the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continued to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappeared and informed the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathered his largest suitcase and filled it with pure gold bars; he placed it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man died and showed up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter  saw the suitcase and said, “Hold on, you can’t bring that in here!”

The man explained to St. Peter that he had permission and asked him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checked and came back saying, “You’re right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I’m supposed to check its contents before letting it through.”

St. Peter opened the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind.  He took one look and exclaimed, “You brought pavement?!”

 

Joke 543

From ajokeaday.com

Heaven (Photo credit: irunandshoot)

A famous lawyer, who had been a public defender for years, died.  He found himself standing at the back of an enormous queue outside the gates of Heaven.  

The lawyer could barely see St Peter sitting up on a podium outside the gates with a large book.  Every now and then St Peter glanced down the queue to see how it was going. Suddenly, he spotted the lawyer.  He was most surprised.  He jumped down from the podium and ran along the line until, slightly out of breath, he arrived beside the lawyer.

St Peter embraced the lawyer and pulled him out of the queue, taking him up to the front.  One person asked what was happening and an angel replied.  The reply was passed up the queue and people started to nod and clap.

The lawyer, embarrassed, asked St Peter why he was getting the special attention.

St Peter stopped, looking concerned.  ‘You are a lawyer, aren’t you?’

‘Yes,’ the lawyer replied.  ‘Does this happen to all lawyers in heaven?’

‘Oh, no,’ said St Peter. ‘It’s just that you are the first one to ever get here.’

Joke 98

A woman who died found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St. Peter.

She asked him, “Oh, is this place what I really think it is? It’s so beautiful.  Did I really make it to heaven?”

To which St. Peter replied, “Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one more thing before you can enter: spell a word.”

“What word?” she asked.

“Any word,” answered St. Peter. “It’s your choice.”  The woman promptly replied, “Then the word I will spell is love. L-o-v-e.”

St. Peter congratulated her and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he went to the bathroom.

“I’d be honoured,” she said, “but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?”

St. Peter instructed the woman to simply have any newcomers to the Pearly Gates spell a word, as she had done.

As the woman watched the beautiful angels soaring around her, a man approached. She realized it was her loser husband.

“What happened?” she cried, “Why are you here?”

Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, “I was so drunk when I left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here?  Did I really make it to Heaven?”

To which the woman replied, “Not yet. You must spell a word first.”

“What word?” he asked.

“Czechoslovakia.”

Joke 36

A man asks to be admitted to heaven.

St Peter says, “Name one good deed that you’ve done.”

The man replies, “Well, a gang of bikers was threatening a woman.  I smacked them, kicked over their bikes and ripped out their nose rings.”

Impressed, St Peter asks, “When did this happen?”

The man replies, “About thirty seconds ago.”