Joke 640

Santa and moose (Photo credit: Jenny P.)

Ron at Scrambled, Not Fried has generously allowed me to lift this intact from his blog.  I would have re-blogged it but I don’t know how to schedule a re-blog and, much as I love Christmas, I’m not getting up at four in the morning to tell a joke.

13 Little-Known Holiday Factoids

1. Christmas, as we know it today, was invented in 1596. Prior to that year, it was celebrated much like we celebrate Arbor Day today, but without the reverence for trees.
2. The first three “Yule Logs” burned down the dwellings in which they were burned. The name has been shortened over the years from the saying, “Yule” die if you bring one of those things into the house.
3. Santa never eats the cookies kids leave out for him. He collects them and donates them as gifts to local soup kitchens. (Keep ‘em coming, kids!)
4. Most elves are Lithuanian.
5. Before marrying, Mrs. Claus was a dental hygienist but left that career to become a Vegas Showgirl. This is where she first met Santa.
6. Santa was (and remains) a “chubby chaser.” He showed no interest in his current wife until she quit her Vegas job and put on about 50 pounds.
7. Santa has five children: four boys and a beautiful daughter named Belinda.
8. Modern “Egg Nog” is primarily nog, with only a hint of synthetic egg flavoring.
9. Santa has NEVER brought anyone a semi-automatic weapon for Christmas. These are invariably purchased by friends or family members, and are only labeled “From Santa” in an effort to avoid potential liability.
10. A gift is a gift. Wrapping paper is a multi-million dollar racket.
11. The feces of flying reindeer can burn a hole in your roof. House fires reported around Christmas time are often blamed on faulty wiring, dry trees, etc., but are more usually caused by Blitzen, who suffers from chronic diarrhea.
12. There are really only 9 Days Of Christmas. Three days were tacked on as a mass-marketing ploy.
13. Santa has suffered repeated hernias. His favorite joke is to say that carrying that big bag of toys around is the ‘real’ Nutcracker.

 

Joke 639

Kris with huge christmas dinner (Photo credit: mrlerone)

What’s the most popular Christmas wine?

‘I don’t like Brussels sprouts!’

Husband (in all fairness, not mine):

A man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until 24 December to do his Christmas shopping.

What do you call a bunch of Grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

What do you call Santa’s helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.

What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh, Ho, Ho, Swoosh?

Santa caught in a revolving door.

What goes oh oh oh?

Santa walking backwards.

What’s it called when Father Christmas takes a rest?

Santa Pause

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?

Santa Jaws

Who sings ‘White Christmas’ then explodes?

Bang Crosby

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Be naughty – save Santa the trip.

From manwalksintoajoke.

Father Christmas, My Son

In an Ideal World, Tory Boy would be Santa Claus.

Oh, wait, he is:

Tory Boy works as an assistant producer for Ideal World shopping channel; an excellent training ground for his future career in politics, getting people to buy what they neither want or need, but it looks good and they talk a great game, so why not?

The presenters needed a Father Christmas; Tory Boy volunteered.  He had great fun ho-ho-hoing around the studio, playing with the toys.

He sent us a text to let us know he was going to be in front of the camera.   As he lives darn sarf and we haven’t seen him in months, we sat down, excited, to watch.

We cringed with embarrassment.  So did one of the presenters, who made a point of pointing them out: Tory Boy was wearing shoes he bought six years ago, when he was still at school.  We could smell them from several hundred miles away.

I hope he’s added new shoes to his list, so he can bring himself some.

We tried to replace those shoes last Christmas, over my loud and lengthy protests.  The Hub was convinced Tory Boy would love the new pair we bought him.  I was not.

To my joy – it almost never happens – the Hub was wrong; Tory Boy thought they were dreadful.  My joy was short-lived – Tory Boy thought they were dreadful; we ruined his Christmas.  What terrible parents we are.  We bought him lots of other stuff but he didn’t like one of his presents.  We ruined his Christmas. What terrible parents we are.

Maybe my son, Father Christmas, can bring himself a new father for Christmas.

Just a new father: it’s a lot harder to replace a mother.  Especially when she’s clinging to your trouser legs and begging you not to leave her to go off to work/university/school/any place she can’t be with you.

In an ideal world, husbands would always be wrong and my children would still need me.  I hope Father Christmas can sort that out this year.  Failing that, I’ll have to undercook the turkey – nothing says ‘I need you, Mummy,’ like food poisoning.  

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The legal stuff:  The first two images are of Ideal World and the transmission belongs to them.

The kid in the red suit and scruffy shoes is mine.  

 

Joke 633

From kraftmstr.com

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The story of how the angel got on top of the Christmas Tree

 

One Christmas things weren’t going too well for Santa up there at the North Pole.

Mrs. Claus was sick, the elves were on strike and the reindeer all had diarrhoea.

Santa was totally frazzled.

In the midst of all this an angel came in with the tree and asked Santa,”Where would you like me to put this?”

Joke 631

Some Christmas quotes from searchquotes.  If no source is given the quote is anonymous.

• Santa reads your Facebook status…he’s getting you a dictionary for Christmas.  
• If a fat man puts you in a bag at night, don’t worry: I told Santa I wanted you for Christmas.  
• Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.   Johnny Carson
• On the 12th Day of Christmas my Facebook gave to me, 12 dudes I’m blocking, 11 friends just watching, 10 corny topics, 9 busted barbies, 8 friends complaining, 7 stalkers stalking, 6 party invites, Fiiiiiiiiiiiiive Drama Queeeensssss, 4 game requests, 3 photo tags, 2 friends-a-pokin & a creep who won’t stop inboxing meeee!   
• Look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer…Who’d have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment and spirituality would mix so harmoniously?  Bill Watterson
• What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.  

This next one is so sad, I had to put it in the middle so you didn’t leave here in tears.

Shirley Temple:

• I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.

Back to the funny:

• Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.   
• Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.  Victor Borge
• Let me see if I’ve got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn’t laundering illegal drug money?  Tom Armstrong
• Don’t ever worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.  Larry Wilde
• Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.  

Joke 630

From Yahoo! Answers.

English: A neatly decorated Christmas cake. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Q:  Who beats his chest and swings from Christmas cake to Christmas cake?

A:  Tarzipan

Q: How do you know Santa has to be a man?

A: No woman is going to wear the same outfit year after year.

 

Joke 629

Jonathan G. Meath as Santa Claus. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

What do reindeer say before they tell a joke?

This will sleigh you.

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Where does Santa go swimming?

The North Pool.

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Joke 626

Searching for Christmas jokes, I came across a site with jokes so bad, they aren’t even so-bad-they’re-good types of jokes.

English: Christmas-themed check mark (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’m going to share the worst.  I didn’t laugh once so you know, if a woman who’ll laugh at a baby face down in gravel didn’t laugh, they must be bad.

Tell me if any make you laugh.  Then leave the building, turn around three times and spit into the wind.  One of us, at least, should have something to giggle at.

From theholidayspot.com

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• What a chicken is called at the North Pole? Answer: Lost.
• What food should you offer to the Santa as he can lose weight a bit? Answer: Instead of milk and cookies, give him salad.
• How can you keep Santa busy in the Christmas party?  Answer: Ask him to take care of your plants. 
• How can you make Santa run during the Christmas party?  Answer: Get an angry bull that fears of red color.
• Apart from ornaments what you can use to decorate the Christmas tree? Answer: Waster eggs.
• Santa likes which game during the Christmas party?  Answer: Hide and seek.
• What could be the alternative outfit for the Santa at Christmas?  Answer: Jeans and a t-shirt.
• When everyone observes Santa during the party, then what mood is usually noticed?  Answer: Santamental.

Joke 625

A joke by comedian Catherine Tate.

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

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Who’s the bane of Santa’s life?

The elf and safety officer.

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Joke 624

Christmas crackers from Christmas crackers.

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective?

Santa Clues

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What’s the difference between a biscuit and a reindeer?

You can’t dunk a reindeer in your tea

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Joke 620

These are from Christmasjokes.co.uk.

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Reindeer by Bortusk Leer (Photo credit: Nick Saltmarsh)

Father Christmas has two reindeer. One named Edward; and another named Edward.  

Because two Eds are better than one.

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How do you make a slow reindeer fast ?

Don’t feed it.

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And an old one, to make you feel like you just shared a cheap Christmas cracker with me:

How do you get four reindeer in a car? 

Two in the front and two in the back.

And how do you get four polar bears in a car? 

Take out the reindeer first.

Joke 269

Why is Christmas like a day at the office?

You do all the hard work and the fat bloke in the suit gets all the credit.

Joke 267

Thanks to Miss Whiplash for this one.

A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees.

“I don’t want to know!” Little Johnny said, bursting into tears. Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.

“Oh Pop,” Johnny sobbed, “for me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you’re telling me now that grown ups don’t really have sex, I’ve got nothing left to believe in!”

 

Joke 259

You have three days left to submit your Christmas cartoon or joke.  If you win and it’s funny enough, I might even send you your Maltesers unopened.

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What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective?

Santa Clues.

Joke 254

An honest politician, a kind banker and Santa Claus were walking down the street and saw a £20 note.  Which one picked it up?

Santa.  The other two don’t exist.