Tag Archives: Santa Claus

Joke 640

23 Dec
Santa and moose

Santa and moose (Photo credit: Jenny P.)

Ron at Scrambled, Not Fried has generously allowed me to lift this intact from his blog.  I would have re-blogged it but I don’t know how to schedule a re-blog and, much as I love Christmas, I’m not getting up at four in the morning to tell a joke.

13 Little-Known Holiday Factoids

  1. Christmas, as we know it today, was invented in 1596. Prior to that year, it was celebrated much like we celebrate Arbor Day today, but without the reverence for trees.
  2. The first three “Yule Logs” burned down the dwellings in which they were burned. The name has been shortened over the years from the saying, “Yule” die if you bring one of those things into the house.
  3. Santa never eats the cookies kids leave out for him. He collects them and donates them as gifts to local soup kitchens. (Keep ‘em coming, kids!)
  4. Most elves are Lithuanian.
  5. Before marrying, Mrs. Claus was a dental hygienist but left that career to become a Vegas Showgirl. This is where she first met Santa.
  6. Santa was (and remains) a “chubby chaser.” He showed no interest in his current wife until she quit her Vegas job and put on about 50 pounds.
  7. Santa has five children: four boys and a beautiful daughter named Belinda.
  8. Modern “Egg Nog” is primarily nog, with only a hint of synthetic egg flavoring.
  9. Santa has NEVER brought anyone a semi-automatic weapon for Christmas. These are invariably purchased by friends or family members, and are only labeled “From Santa” in an effort to avoid potential liability.
  10. A gift is a gift. Wrapping paper is a multi-million dollar racket.
  11. The feces of flying reindeer can burn a hole in your roof. House fires reported around Christmas time are often blamed on faulty wiring, dry trees, etc., but are more usually caused by Blitzen, who suffers from chronic diarrhea.
  12. There are really only 9 Days Of Christmas. Three days were tacked on as a mass-marketing ploy.
  13. Santa has suffered repeated hernias. His favorite joke is to say that carrying that big bag of toys around is the ‘real’ Nutcracker.

 

Joke 639

22 Dec
Kris with huge christmas dinner

Kris with huge christmas dinner (Photo credit: mrlerone)

What’s the most popular Christmas wine?

‘I don’t like Brussels sprouts!’

Husband (in all fairness, not mine):

A man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until 24 December to do his Christmas shopping.

What do you call a bunch of Grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

What do you call Santa’s helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.

What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh, Ho, Ho, Swoosh?

Santa caught in a revolving door.

What goes oh oh oh?

Santa walking backwards.

What’s it called when Father Christmas takes a rest?

Santa Pause

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?

Santa Jaws

Who sings ‘White Christmas’ then explodes?

Bang Crosby

*

*

*

Be naughty – save Santa the trip.

From manwalksintoajoke.

Father Christmas, My Son

18 Dec

In an Ideal World, Tory Boy would be Santa Claus.

Oh, wait, he is:

IMGP2222

Tory Boy works as an assistant producer for Ideal World shopping channel; an excellent training ground for his future career in politics, getting people to buy what they neither want or need, but it looks good and they talk a great game, so why not?

The presenters needed a Father Christmas; Tory Boy volunteered.  He had great fun ho-ho-hoing around the studio, playing with the toys.

IMGP2217

He sent us a text to let us know he was going to be in front of the camera.   As he lives darn sarf and we haven’t seen him in months, we sat down, excited, to watch.

We cringed with embarrassment.  So did one of the presenters, who made a point of pointing them out: Tory Boy was wearing shoes he bought six years ago, when he was still at school.  We could smell them from several hundred miles away.

I hope he’s added new shoes to his list, so he can bring himself some.

We tried to replace those shoes last Christmas, over my loud and lengthy protests.  The Hub was convinced Tory Boy would love the new pair we bought him.  I was not.

To my joy – it almost never happens – the Hub was wrong; Tory Boy thought they were dreadful.  My joy was short-lived – Tory Boy thought they were dreadful; we ruined his Christmas.  What terrible parents we are.  We bought him lots of other stuff but he didn’t like one of his presents.  We ruined his Christmas. What terrible parents we are.

Photo by Best DSC!

Maybe my son, Father Christmas, can bring himself a new father for Christmas.

Just a new father: it’s a lot harder to replace a mother.  Especially when she’s clinging to your trouser legs and begging you not to leave her to go off to work/university/school/any place she can’t be with you.

In an ideal world, husbands would always be wrong and my children would still need me.  I hope Father Christmas can sort that out this year.  Failing that, I’ll have to undercook the turkey – nothing says ‘I need you, Mummy,’ like food poisoning.  

*

The legal stuff:  The first two images are of Ideal World and the transmission belongs to them.

The kid in the red suit and scruffy shoes is mine.  

 

Joke 633

16 Dec

From kraftmstr.com

*

The story of how the angel got on top of the Christmas Tree

 

One Christmas things weren’t going too well for Santa up there at the North Pole.

Mrs. Claus was sick, the elves were on strike and the reindeer all had diarrhoea.

Santa was totally frazzled.

In the midst of all this an angel came in with the tree and asked Santa,”Where would you like me to put this?”

Joke 631

14 Dec

Some Christmas quotes from searchquotes.  If no source is given the quote is anonymous.

  • Santa reads your Facebook status…he’s getting you a dictionary for Christmas.  
  • If a fat man puts you in a bag at night, don’t worry: I told Santa I wanted you for Christmas.  
  • Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.   Johnny Carson
  • On the 12th Day of Christmas my Facebook gave to me, 12 dudes I’m blocking, 11 friends just watching, 10 corny topics, 9 busted barbies, 8 friends complaining, 7 stalkers stalking, 6 party invites, Fiiiiiiiiiiiiive Drama Queeeensssss, 4 game requests, 3 photo tags, 2 friends-a-pokin & a creep who won’t stop inboxing meeee!   
  • Look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer…Who’d have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment and spirituality would mix so harmoniously?  Bill Watterson
  • What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.  

This next one is so sad, I had to put it in the middle so you didn’t leave here in tears.

Shirley Temple:

  • I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.

Back to the funny:

  • Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.   
  • Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.  Victor Borge
  • Let me see if I’ve got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn’t laundering illegal drug money?  Tom Armstrong
  • Don’t ever worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.  Larry Wilde
  • Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.  

Joke 630

13 Dec

From Yahoo! Answers.

English: A neatly decorated Christmas cake.

English: A neatly decorated Christmas cake. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Q:  Who beats his chest and swings from Christmas cake to Christmas cake?

A:  Tarzipan

Q: How do you know Santa has to be a man?

A: No woman is going to wear the same outfit year after year.

 

Joke 629

12 Dec
English: Photo of Jonathan G. Meath portraying...

Jonathan G. Meath as Santa Claus. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

What do reindeer say before they tell a joke?

This will sleigh you.

*

*

Where does Santa go swimming?

The North Pool.

*

*

 

Nicola Hulme Author

Exploring creative writing and learning every day

Worldly Winds

It's not easy being me!

Vivinfrance's Blog

mainly poetry, also quilts, pictures, life-writing and the occasional short story.

Unpicked:Restitched

Where is the heart of Stockport?

Grains of Sand

notices and reflections in ministry

The Cvillean

The adventures of little read writing Hood

%d bloggers like this: