Tag Archives: Shopping

Joke 824

25 Jun
Cry baby

Cry baby (Photo credit: tacit requiem (joanneQEscober ))

Cedric watched as a woman at his supermarket shopped with a three-year-old girl riding in the child’s seat. As they approached the sweet section the little girl asked for some liquorice sticks and her mother told her, “No.”

The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss. The mother said softly, “Now Cindy, our shopping is going well. Don’t be upset…we’ll soon be out of here.”

Presently, they came to the aisle where the ice cream was on offer and the little girl asked for an ice lolly. When told she couldn’t have one she began to cry. The mother said gently, “There, there, Cindy, don’t cry. Only two more aisles to go and then we’ll be at the check out.”

When they got to the conveyor belt the little girl immediately began to demand sweets next to the checkout.  Finally she threw a tantrum when her mother would not let her have any sweets.  The mother calmed her saying, “Cindy, we’ll be through this queue in two minutes and then we can go home and have a glass of squash and a nap.”

Cedric followed them out to the car park and stopped the woman to compliment her on her child management.

“I couldn’t help admiring how patient you were with little Cindy,” Cedric said.

The mother turned and replied, “Oh, no, I’m Cindy. My little girl’s name is Dorothy.”

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From Will & Guy

Joke 473

9 Jul

 

English: North American Opossum with winter co...

English: North American Opossum with winter coat. Français : Opossum de Virginie en livrée d’hiver. Deutsch: Ein Nordopossum (Didelphis virginiana) im Winterfell (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

From Pun of the Day.

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You know prices are rising when you buy a winter jacket and even down is up.

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Okay, Tesco: I Forgive You

4 Mar
This is an image of the Tesco store at Kingsto...

Image via Wikipedia

I have a habit of boycotting supermarkets that annoy me.  Morrisons irritated me once too often by not having goods in stock that were advertised as on offer – again.  We started shopping at Asda.  Asda gave us an undeserved parking fine: we didn’t shop there for three years, and never went back as regulars.  That was a dearly bought £20 on their part. 

I shopped online with Tesco for a while but, as I paid by credit card, I found I was spending the grocery cash on frivolous items like electricity bills (rising because I was shopping online; have you ever done a supermarket shop online? It takes three times as long as getting in the car, driving to the next town, shopping for a year, stopping for lunch, spending the night in a hotel because you had too much to drink at lunch, and driving home again next day.  Really not worth the effort), and so I went back to schlepping it in Hub’s taxi.

Tesco Online missed me after a while, even though I visited the local store, and they sent me a £10 off voucher to persuade me to shop with them again.  I thought it was worth the effort so I spent two hours finding £50’s worth of groceries, went to pay, only to be told, ‘This voucher is not valid because you are not a first-time user.’  I don’t swear often.  Tesco has been a dirty word in our house ever since.

However, I am a forgiving girl, and I accepted their recent apology: £10 off a £30 spend, times four weeks.  I may have principles but they can be bought for the price of a full freezer.  Our food budget is small but laying out £20 in actual cash is manageable.  The Hub went alone last week, and got just over £30 in food for a payment of just over £20.  He went alone because I am not allowed to go food shopping: I have a habit of filling the trolley, going over budget, and arguing with him over what is essential (Spud’s French Fancies) and what is frivolous (Hub’s Sensodyne toothpaste).

Yesterday he wasn’t having a good day so I was allowed along for the loading and unloading of groceries, with the occasional side order of whining (But we need olive oil and French Fancies).  The Hub stopped to rest in the fruit and veg section and noticed some stuff being marked down.  He put a few items in the trolley.  He stopped to rest again in the meat section and started chatting to staff member Martin (when he isn’t laying down the supermarket law, the Hub is a sociable guy).  How happy he was to have needed a rest: Martin told him that – and this is such a great tip, I’m going to highlight it in bold –  in Tesco, if you find an item on the shelf that has to be sold that day, you can ask a member of staff for a reduction.  It was like truffles to a pig: the Hub had his nose in every meat shelf and came away with a few items marked down by Martin…by 65%.

In fact, because we arrived around five-thirty on a Saturday, a lot of stuff was already marked down.  We saved – wait for it – including our £10 voucher, BOGOFs and mark downs; but excluding items reduced in price for promotion – I can hardly believe it – £152.80.  I may have wet myself in excitement.

We didn’t spend anywhere near that, though it was a little over £20.  We spent almost £50 on items [see photo] we wouldn’t normally buy, mostly because we can’t afford them.  There was a 3kg piece of silverside: we haven’t bought silverside in sixteen years, never mind three whole kilograms of it.  There was prepared fruit.  We love fruit but buy the cheapest range and prepare it ourselves.  There were luxury doughnuts.  Need I say more? 

I now have enough meat in my freezer to last for months so, even though we went over budget, we saved future grocery money.  I might use a little to buy the Hub some toothpaste.

Thanks Martin: you made a Tesco shopper out of me.  For now.

Joke 315

2 Feb

Thanks to Siggi of Maine for these. 

These are classified ads, said to have actually been placed in a British Newspaper; I’m not convinced, but I hope they are real.  It does happen: when we lived in South Africa, the Hub missed the chance to buy a Ferrari for one Rand.  It was a small ad and he thought it was a misprint (well you would, wouldn’t you?).  The story was in the paper a few days later: the husband had cheated and the wife, who had the money and knew she’d have to give half to him, sold the car and gave him fifty cents. 

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.  Hateful little bastard.  Bites!

FREE PUPPIES.
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour’s dog. 

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE …
Worn once by mistake.

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

 

Joke 303

21 Jan

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

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Joke 230

9 Nov

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady with a full cart, following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

“Pardon me,” she said, “I’m sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It’s just that you look like my son, who I haven’t seen for thirty years.”

“I’m very sorry,” replied the young man, “is there anything I can do for you?”

“Yes,” she said. “As I’m leaving, can you say ‘Goodbye, Mother’? It would make me feel so much better.”

“Of course,” answered the young man.

As the old woman was leaving, he called out, “Goodbye, Mother!” As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. “How can that be?” he asked; “I only purchased a few things!”

“Your mother said that you would pay for her,” said the clerk.

 

Joke 95

27 Jun

At a fabric store, a pretty girl spotted a nice material for a dress and asked the male clerk, “How much does it cost?

“Only one kiss per yard,” replied the male clerk with a smirk.

“That’s fine,” said the girl. “I’ll take ten yards.”

The clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, and then teasingly held it out.  The girl took the bag and pointed to the old woman standing beside her, and smiled, “Grandma will pay the bill.”

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