Tag Archives: Signs

Joke 962

10 Nov
I actually think the screetching of newly aqui...

(Photo credit: Graela)

Three violin manufactures have all done business for years on the same block in the small town of Cremona, Italy.

After years of peaceful co-existence, the Amati family decide to put a sign in their shop window saying:

We make the best violins in Italy.

The Guarneri family soon follow suit and put a sign in their window proclaiming:

We make the best violins in the world.

Finally, the Stradivarius family put a sign out at their shop saying:

We make the best violins on the block.

*

From Kaleidoscope

 

Joke 933

12 Oct

On Notice

notice

notice (Photo credit: christophe mallet)

  • Cocktail lounge notice, Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
  • At a Budapest zoo: PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.
  • At restaurant-gas stations throughout the nation: Eat here and get gas.
  • At a Sante Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.
  • In a New Hampshire jewellery store: Ears pierced while you wait.
  • In an New York restaurant: Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.
  • In a Michigan restaurant: The early bird gets the worm. Special shoppers’ luncheon before 11am.

From Will & Guy

Joke 772

4 May
Amusing Sign at Town of 1880, South Dakota

Amusing Sign at Town of 1880, South Dakota (Photo credit: Arthur Chapman)

More Signs of the Times

  • Outside a muffler [exhaust] shop: No appointment necessary. We’ll hear you coming.
  • On a desk in a reception room: We shoot every third salesman. The second one just left.
  • In a veterinarian’s waiting room: Back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
  • On the side of a garbage truck: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.
  • In a restaurant window: Don’t stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.
  • Inside a bowling alley: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.
  • In a cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.
Stop! Hammertime!!

Stop! Hammertime!! (Photo credit: Vanessa (EY))

Joke 771

3 May
Amusing Sign

Amusing Sign (Photo credit: njhdiver)

Signs of the Times

  • In a nonsmoking area: If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
  • On a maternity room door: Push, Push, Push.
  • On a front door: Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.
  • At an optometrist’s office: If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.
  • On a taxidermist’s window: We really know our stuff.
  • On a butcher’s window: Let me meat your needs.
  • On a fence: Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.
  • At a car dealership: The best way to get back on your feet — miss a car payment.

Joke 756

18 Apr
  • Funny signs

    Funny signs (Photo credit: @Doug88888)

    Sign on motorway garage

PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS.
YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS

  • Spotted in a safari park

ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

  • Notice in a field

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

  • Message on a leaflet

IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

  • Sign on a repair shop door

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR – THE BELL DOESN’T WORK)

Funny Sign

Funny Sign (Photo credit: jamacdonald)

From Will & Guy

Joke 708

1 Mar
Funny Sign

Funny Sign (Photo credit: mrapplegate)

Quote…Unquote

  • Visitors to Longforth Road public toilets might be interested to know they are now being powered by wind.  (Wellington Weekly News)

    Funny Sign

    Funny Sign (Photo credit: TheYoYoMaN)

  • June 10-16: Open Bowels Tournament Teignmouth. (Events Leaflet for South Devon)
  • If Tesco, BHS, ASDA and others can supervise toilets effectively, it’s time our council got to the bottom of the matter. (Wrexham Leader)

This next one isn’t toilet related but it did prompt me to suggest to the Hub that, if he still wanted a daughter, we could always buy one, if he didn’t mind secondhand children:

  • Nearly New Baby Sale (Poster on an Altrincham roundabout)
Funny Sign

Funny Sign (Photo credit: jamacdonald)

And finally…

A priest ran out of petrol on his way home.   Fortunately, the village garage was only about half a mile away.  Amazingly, the garage did not have any petrol containers.  The priest pleaded that the garage owner must have a container that would hold half a gallon of petrol.  After much searching the proprietor came up with a chamber pot.  Although it was not strictly legal, they filled the chamber pot with petrol and the priest set off happily back to his car.

Just as the priest was decanting the petrol from the chamber pot into his tank a lorry driver stopped, wound down his window and said, ‘Father, I have heard of the miracle of changing water into wine, but I think you’re pushing your luck this time.’

Funny Signs or Pictures 09

Funny Signs or Pictures 09 (Photo credit: DrJohnBullas)

First quotes and joke from Will & Guy.

Funny Signs or Pictures 07

Funny Signs or Pictures 07 (Photo credit: DrJohnBullas)

My Top Ten Movies or, Why People Who Watch Films Can’t Count

22 Nov
Arnold Schwarzenegger as The Terminator

Image by xrrr via Flickr

Okay, I’d better start by admitting that there are actually fourteen on the list.  I did manage to rate them but I couldn’t leave out the last four; I can’t hurt their feelings, I’m afraid.  And yes, I know celluloid/digital things don’t have feelings…I suppose my anthropomorphism* of them comes from the same logic that led me to never say in my mind the code of the padlock to the outside bin cupboard in case identity thieves or secret government agencies read my mind** and accessed my shredded documents and potato peelings.  I only stopped doing it when it occurred to me that if the government has the power to read minds then they could probably get past a three-for-a-pound padlock without too much difficulty.  It was about that time I also decided to stop wearing the foil hat.

The List:

  • Terminator & Terminator 2 – T1 because it’s the greatest love story ever told (don’t scoff – Kyle came across time for Sarah: how many of you men out there can say you’ve done that for the missus?) and T2 because it’s the story of a mother’s love and redemption.  The fact that there’s loads of violence is simply a fortunate coincidence.  I never watched a violent movie until I saw T1: we were newlyweds living in a flat in Jo’burg and my brother and his girlfriend came to stay, bringing movies that had blood and guts but no romance, I thought, including Mad Max (if ever there was a prescient name for Mr Gibson, that’s it) and The Terminator.  I didn’t want to watch any of them but I was a new hostess and soppy in love with the Hub back then, and allowed myself to be persuaded.  I’m so glad I did.  I was glued to the screen (my brother’s a great practical joker) and I have loved T1 ever since.
  • Love Actually – what’s not to love, actually?  Great ensemble cast, interwoven characters, humour, pathos, the best wedding scene in the history of film, and Hugh Grant calling Margaret Thatcher ‘a saucy minx’. 
  • It’s A Wonderful Life – the best Christmas film ever made.  We made the boys watch it with us one Christmas Day.  Tory Boy protested loudly right up to the first five minutes in (particularly that it was in black & white), and then became engrossed in the film and outraged at George Bailey’s rotten luck and unfair shake at the world.  I’ve only ever seen him that indignant over a scratched dvd, so it was quite a conversion.
  • Forrest Gump & Field Of Dreams – I’ve read both of the books on which the films were based and much prefer the movies.  Forrest, Forrest Gump is an ‘idiot savant’*** and gets to hump a lot and Shoeless Joe Jackson is no Ray Liotta.  Mind you, neither is Ray Liotta these days: have you seen his face?  Euggh.  Why people have plastic surgery thinking it will fix growing old is beyond me.   
  • The Muppet Christmas Carol – the best Christmas film ever made: ‘Light the lamp, not the rat!  Light the lamp, not the rat!’  Brilliant!
  • Signs – M. Night Shyamalammmmm is a genius and I hope one day to be able to shake his hand and ask him, ‘How do you pronounce your surname?’  This film is the most scared I like to be, and it terrifies me every time I watch it even though I know the ending.  Which makes me about as bright as that dog who attacks his own leg:
  • The Last of the Mohicans – the one with Daniel Day Lewis.  It’s the only film in which I ever thought he was attractive; I guess I must like my men with long hair and wearing smelly moccasins.  We drove 100kms to watch this on our tenth wedding anniversary.  Mum babysat Tory Boy and we went for a meal and a movie.  I didn’t want to see it but the Hub was desperate, it was on its last week in cinemas, and I was still somewhat in love.  Of course, it was Terminator 1 all over again, but without the annoying sibling.  I once watched it on M-Net three times in one week.
  • You’ve Got Mail – the best three little words ever (I’ve been married a long time).
  • The Sound of Music – singing nuns and singing Nazis?  You’d have to be daft not to love it.
  • Moulin Rouge – any film that contains an Elephant Love Medley and an unconscious Argentinian gets my vote.
  • The Santa Clause – the best Christmas film ever made.  I love it.  Are you sensing a pattern?  All of these Christmas movies bang on about the spirit of Christmas and the true meaning of Christmas without once mentioning the story of Christmas.  But hey, that’s Christmas for you.
  • Joseph and the Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat – Donny Osmond.  Sigh.
  • The Untouchables – Kevin Costner in a mac and Sean Connery in the worst Irish accent ever, plus a fabulous soundtrack.  I love it.

And there you have it.****  Now, what does my list say about me?  It says that I have an obsession with Christmas, I love musicals and violence is fun.  It says I like Kevin Costner, Tom Hanks, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Rizzo the Rat i.e. I don’t have a type.  Therefore, my favourite all-time film would be a violent musical about Christmas, starring the thinking woman’s beefcake rodent.

*a word used deliberately to dispel the recent rumour that my readers are all better read than I am

**not as nutty as it sounds; there’s not much in there

***I use inverted commas because I’m quoting from the book.  I’m not sure in this pc world of ours if this term is still in use; though I have to say this is one time I’m in favour of political correctness because it’s a horrible way to describe someone.  If anyone knows another term, I’d appreciate you leaving a comment letting me know, and I’ll change it.

****Not quite: I desperately wanted to include Scrooged but a Top Ten stretched to sixteen and starring four Christmas films was a step too far, I’m afraid.  Carol Kane’s kicking fairy will have to go on another list: Mythical Film Creatures or, Why I Don’t Have Any Friends.

Now tell me about your favourite movies, please.  I’d love to know*****.

*****In case I missed a good ‘un.

Signs Of The Times

28 Oct
danger! drunken engineering students

I got these from my Auntie Freda:

On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels

In a Non-smoking Area:
If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action

On a Maternity Room door:
Push. Push. Push.

In a Vet’s waiting room:
Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
Caution – This Truck is full of Political Promises

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