Six Correct Words Saturday

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Last night, I dreamed about grammar.

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I need to find a life.  Or at least a hobby.

Images from Grammarly’s Facebook page.

Boring

Moving poems from folder to folder

The Hub is in bed because he’s unwell.

Spud is in bed because he’s a teenager.

I thought I’d take advantage of the peace and update my poem folders.  I had a list of roughly 1500 poems which needed to be categorised.  I did that with the hard copies months ago but never got around to updating it on the computer. The title of this post will tell you why.

I moved all the As last week; then the Bs to Rs.  I still have the Ss to Zs to move and I can’t put it off any longer.

Once that’s complete, I’ll avoid matching the hard copy folders to the computer folders for as long as I can, but it will have to be done eventually.

Wake me up before you leave.

Go here for more Six Word Saturdays.  I recommend that you do – they’ve got to be more interesting than this post.

 

Six Word Saturday

Slowly beginning to catch up

So slowly, I only had time for five words today.

Apologies again for my absence.

Or to put it another way….Vote Macaulay The Dog

Please help Kate walk her dog.

See here for more Six Word Saturdays

 

Kate Shrewsday

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101/1001 (Week 112)

Did something I’ve never done before

I meant to write this post yesterday but the P Diddy/Downton thing was more fun.  By the way, if you can’t see the video, just Google/You Tube it.  It’s worth a watch.

It has been three months since my last update of 101 tasks in 1001 days.  I haven’t done much, apart from the aforementioned thing I’ve never done before, though I did complete three tasks:

Make thirty submissions to competitions or publishers (31/30)

I was a runner-up in the last competition I entered, and the poem will be coming out with others in an e-book.  I’ll be sure to let you know when that happens.

Find 26 unfamiliar words, one for each letter of the alphabet. (Words: 26/26)

Then use them in a post a day for 26 days.

I did skip a day by accident (I forgot) but I used all 26 words, each of which I have already forgotten.  We had fun with that one, didn’t we?

Learn the names of all twelve disciples.

That was more complicated than I expected – thirteen are named, though there are only twelve.  Thaddeus/Judas may or may not be the same person.  Can’t believe I’ve been reading the Bible for 36 years and never noticed that before.  

Then came the something I’ve never done before – it’s a biggy!

Saarbrucken funny toilet 0124 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Expose myself to twenty new experiences (14/20)

I have already told you about twelve in earlier 101/1001 posts.

I also told you about number 13: I asked a stranger for a favour.  That was the whole email-an-author-to-talk-to-us-for-free thing.  Feeling pleased about that one: Stockport Writers were still raving about her at our last meeting.

14. I changed a toilet seat by myself!

How impressive am I??

I decorated the bathroom the other weekend.  Everything looked clean and fresh apart from the grotty toilet seat (never knew a bum could cause such wear and tear).  We bought a new toilet seat and it sat there and sat there and sat there, waiting for the Hub to feel well enough to change it.  Use me, it cried; Pee on me, please…well, not on me, of course, between me…through me…?

The toilet seat was obviously having some sort of existentialist crisis so I asked the Hub, If I remove the old seat and clean the loo in the parts where I normally can’t reach, do you feel well enough to put on the new one?

Urggh, he grunted from his sick bed, which I took to mean ‘Yes’.

I’ll be honest: taking off the old toilet seat was the yuckiest, grossest, most revolting job I’ve ever done; and I say that as a woman who fed prunes to her babies.  It was disgusting with a capital disgusting.  However, some rubber gloves helped, as did turning my face away so I couldn’t see what I was doing (though I had to explain to the Hub why I had unscrewed the pedestal from the floor).

Turns out it was my imagination: what I thought was +++ (fill in the blank; this is a family blog so I’m not going to be poo graphic), turned out to be rust from the old screws.  I know this because I had to snap them off when first Vaseline and then WD40 didn’t work enough to allow me to turn them.

Ahem…that’s not quite true: I did manage to turn them, but the wrong way, so I tightened the old screws.  I wasn’t strong enough to loosen them but there was nothing a good kick in the old cistern couldn’t fix.

Prize money check drawn on the underside of a toilet seat (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Having removed the old seat and cleaned the rusty holes, I had to see how the new seat would look.  It looked really easy to attach, so I tried attaching it.  And succeeded!  

Okay, the Hub had to remove it again to adjust it so we wouldn’t trap flesh and dangly bits between the seat and base but, hey!  I replaced a toilet seat!  I’m fifty this year and I replaced a toilet seat for the first time in my life.  Am I cool or what?

It was worth doing this 101/1001 thing for that alone.  I replaced a toilet seat!

A note of caution: if you intend to visit me in the next few weeks, be advised – upon arrival, all guests will immediately be taken on a tour of my new toilet seat, which I replaced, all by myself!

 

Time To Change The Beds

We have a guest arriving tomorrow:

Our Christmas nephew: large, jolly, fun.  

He’ll be here for a week.

I’ll still get some blogging done.  

I will clean the house today.

At least there is no sun:

I can’t clean on sunny days;

I enjoy them till they’re gone.

No cream teas (Photo credit: fisserman)

It’s That Time Of Year Again…

I know I do this every year, but I just can’t help myself:

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It’s Been A While

It’s been a while since I participated in Six Word Saturday and it’s been a while since I went

off to a table top sale

Car boot sale, Rosudgeon social club. Note St Piran’s flags for sale, under the table bottom left. A good sale for plants. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’m going to walk up to church with my dogs and spend money I don’t really have on stuff I don’t really need.  A pleasant way to spend  Saturday.

But first, I’m going to take a shower: it’s been a while.

 

I’m Dog Stupid

Stuff I say to my dogs

I caught myself saying the following yesterday:

• Will you please get off my bladder? [Molly wanted me to get up when I wasn’t quite ready]
• Stop nagging me!  [Toby wanted his walk]
• Come on, Moo!  [Molly didn’t want her walk]
• Are you coming to help me?  [Make the dinner.  Toby joins me in the kitchen every night and Spud tells me I say the same thing to him every night.  My hope is always wasted: Toby never does help]
• Don’t lick the books!  [‘Books’ can be substituted by carpet/couch/cushions/trousers/walls/floor…anything, really.  Molly, also known as Licky Moo, likes to lick things; especially my sleeping face when the bladder trick doesn’t work]

My dogs vilipend me at every opportunity; brought on, no doubt, by my habit of being mush in their adorable little paws.

What daft things do you say to your pets?

Note for those of you who Know Who You Are:  You needn’t bother telling me that that’s why you don’t have dogs; I know it!

The previous two words:

Tacent: rapt attention in an audience, more flattering than applause.  What my dogs show me when I’m eating.

Usageaster: a self-styled authority on language usage.  What I become when I see an apostrophe in the wrong place and a misspelled word in the public domain.

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For more Six Word Saturdays, go here.

Ten Six Word Saturdays

Or, to be honest, cheating again.

I’m sorry/rueful/penitent/mortified/grieved

that I haven’t replied to comments

since last Saturday; maybe even Friday.

I know I’ve been neglecting you.

Life gets in the way sometimes.

Particular apologies to new subscribers if

I haven’t thanked you for subscribing,

or visited your blogs.  I will.

Forgive me.  I will mundify myself.

For more Six Word Saturdays, go here.

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Yesterday’s word was lyard: to be streaked or spotted with gray or white.  Or grey, if you’re not American.

 

A Woman Without A Man Is Punctuation

February searches which found my blog

If that’s the case, why did you 100 people look at them, then?

• i hate snow cartoon images
  

Is there any other kind?

• hilarious cow jokes
• housewife limericks
• poetry fun facts
• scary receptionist
• wet housewife
• funny cartoons on gynaecology
• malteser poo
• hirsutism inspiration
• malteser birthday poem
• i am a housewife turkey
• annoyed switchboard operator

So many errors; so little time…

English: Hirsutism circa 1900 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

• how to declutter you threebed room hom in two days
• yout only as old as tbe the girl you feel?

Um, and why did you end up here?

• air freshener for farts
• a woman without a man is punctuation
• old lady washing dishes while drinking wine
• famous women with hirsutism
• my big foot
• don’t call me tilly, bud!

That’s just not funny

• choking accidents maltesers
• cartoon of farting on someones finger
  

Could you be a little more specific?

• cebu provincial detention and rehabilitation center (cpdrc) is a prison in cebu, in cebu province, philippines. it is a maximum security prison facility with a capacity for 1600 inmates.[1]the prison became well known for its rehabilitation program in 2005-2010 based on a program of choreographed exercise routines for the inmates. known as cpdrc dancing inmates, the recordings of the various routines of the prisoners online supervised by the head of the prison byron f. garcia rendered them an international online celebrity sensation and phenomenon

Metal Fatigue

I think I’ve infected the appliances

I went into the spare room at the first throat tickle and avoided all contact with the Hub and it seems to have worked: his compromised immune system didn’t cave at the first sneeze spray like it usually does.

Give me my pot pie!!! 298/365 (Photo credit: AndYaDontStop)

However, my rotten germs needed to go somewhere.  Suddenly, the TV is showing wavy lines; the fridge freezer has a blockage; the PC demanded a new power supply and the dishwasher gave up the ghost.

Coincidence?  I think not.

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Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda…Can’t

WordPress is playing silly beggars again

I’m frustrated and I’m snotty and that’s not a good combination.  Prepare for a grumpy post.

Last week, I didn’t visit your blogs because I was unwell.

This week, I won’t visit your blogs because WordPress is unwell.  Every time I click your links, whether in my email inbox, blog roll, from your comments, or even my own previews, I get a 502 or 504 message: basically, we’re not letting you in in WordPress-speak.  It took many hours yesterday to comment on about twenty blogs.  

Woes of a Literal Marketer: Link Bait (Photo credit: HubSpot)

I’m getting 400-600 spam comments in my spam box every day and my stats have gone down quite dramatically (for those of you who remember the chart, that’s Brit-speak for ‘way more than I like and if it carries on I’m giving the whole thing up for good’, not Rest-of-the-world-speak for ‘dropped a little dramatically but not more than I can handle’).

I wonder if the spam thing is related to the stats thing, because they happened around the same time; or is it just coincidence?

If you’re not getting comments from me on many of your posts, it’s WordPress’s

Peter Steiner’s cartoon (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

fault.  I’m sorry, I can’t do anything about it.

One of last week’s prompts was: Tell us about something you know you should do . . . but don’t.  It was entitled, Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda.

I shoulda stopped blogging before I thumped my laptop and I woulda stopped blogging if I coulda, because my perfect blood pressure caused by my even temper is about to be a thing of the past, but I can’t because they sucked me in with their ridiculous prompts and their world-wide network of people who say nice things in the comments section.  They’ve sucked me in so deep I may never get out.

I’m going to kick the Hub now, because we don’t have a cat.

For less irritable Six Word Saturdays, go here.

 

A Doctor A Day Keeps Flesh-Eating Bugs Away

Thinking of going on a diet

I turn fifty this year; I need to take my health seriously.  I know this because I have received an invitation to attend a health check at my doctor’s surgery.  They would like to test for my risk of developing diabetes, heart disease, stroke and kidney failure.

Understanding Women (Photo credit: Graela)

I suppose the thinking is:

1. We’ll scare her into treating her body like a temple instead of a chocolate sanctuary
2. It will save the NHS money if we catch her before it’s too late and too expensive for this postcode
3. We don’t want her to die; she’s one of our most obedient patients, turning up on time for every appointment, whether voluntary or compulsory; and always taking the full course of antibiotics as instructed

I have never smoked, barely drink, don’t have the energy for late nights and walk every day…but I do like to eat.  ‘Being overweight’ is the top risk factor, according to the leaflet that accompanied the diktat to comply and book an appointment, stat!

Rather like over-filling the car at the petrol pump* and the gas station* exploding because someone belched last night’s spicy curry, I’m a walking time bomb.

*Also half-Brit, half-Yank, apparently: what would that make me? A Yit/Brank/Bank/Brink/Kit/Yurt?

Health (Photo credit: Tax Credits) Yeah, right!   http://taxcredits.net/  

The only reason I hesitate is this: the letter sending my orders to report to base is signed by (you’ll like this, Dianne) the Patient Demographics Officer.  My Doctor doesn’t care enough to send a personal (it doesn’t have to be embossed) invitation to an event that might save my life.  Huh.

Let’s do a pros and cons list to decide if I should embark on a regime that will take over my life but prolong it:

Pros:

• I’ll be healthy
• I’ll be alive
• I’ll make my Patient Demographics Officer happy
• How patient is she?  This could take a while
• The house will smell of fruit
• The house will smell of cooked cabbage
• The house will smell of fart
• The last two are pros because they keep guests away
• That’s a pro because have you seen the price of fruit and veg in this country?  If I eat healthily, I won’t have the money to serve biscuits with my guests’ tea.  How embarrassing
• I won’t get sick, have to go into hospital, contract MRSA and other flesh-eating germs and die
• I’ll live longer.  I’ll even outlive the Hub who won’t join me on a diet, will get sick, have to go into hospital with the flesh-eaters and, well, you know the rest…
• If I live longer and even outlive the Hub, I’ll finally be able to chuck out his junk.  It’s worth dieting for that reason alone
• I’ll finally get back in to my 1982 skinny jeans; I knew I was right to hang onto them
• The house will smell of fruit

Cons:

• I’ll have to give up Maltesers

The cons have it: no diet.

I Could Be Happy

I have had a happy week

Just small things, like getting my own writing space (am I boring you yet?) and the sun is out this morning (am I amazing you yet?).  

Small things count; and I count every one of them.

I wish you many small things

Have a lovely weekend!

Go here for more Six Word Saturdays.