Tag Archives: Soccer

Joke 680

1 Feb

Football Quotes

Thierry Henry's debut as a Red Bull

Thierry Henry’s debut as a Red Bull (Photo credit: Joscarfas)

  • ‘I’ve never wanted to leave. I’m here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well.’ Alan Shearer
  • ‘You’ve got to believe that you’ re going to win, and I believe we’ll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we’re knocked out.’ Peter Shilton
  • ‘I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at Birmingham. My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there playing.’ Ade Akinbiyi
  • ‘Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match.’ Ian Wright
  • ‘I’m as happy as I can be – but I have been happier.’ Ugo Ehiogu
  • ‘Leeds is a great club and it’s been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesborough.’ Jonathan Woodgate
  • ‘The Brazilians were South American, the Ukrainians will be more European.’ Phil Neville
  • ‘All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed.’ Mitchell Thomas
  • ‘One accusation you can’t throw at me is that I’ve always done my best.’ Alan Shearer
  • ‘I’ d rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd.’ Johnny Giles
  • ‘Sometimes in football you have to score goals.’ Thierry Henry.
  • ‘I was surprised, but I always say nothing surprises me in football.’ Les Ferdinand.
  • ‘It was like the ref had a brand new yellow card and wanted to see if it worked.’ Richard Rufus.
  • ‘There’s no in between – you’ re either good or bad. We were in between.’ Gary Lineker.
  • ‘If you don’t concede any goals you’ll win more games than you lose.’ Wayne Bridge.

From Will & Guy

Joke 577

21 Oct

Great football commentary, courtesy of Will & Guy.

Football's Coming Gnome (earlier than some exp...

Football’s Coming Gnome (earlier than some expected) (Photo credit: dullhunk)

  • The last player to score a hat-trick in a cup final was Stan Mortenson.  He even had a final named after him, the Matthews final.  Lawrie McMenemy
  • It’s now 4-3 to Oldham, the goals are going in like dominoes.  Piccadilly Radio
  • I felt a lump in my mouth as the ball went in.  Terry Venables
  • It slid away from his left boot which was poised with the trigger cocked.  Barry Davies
  • We have been saying this, both pre-season and before the season started.  Len Ashurst
  • Well actually we got the winner up there with three minutes to go, but then they equalised.  Ian McNail
  • Ian Rush, deadly ten times out of ten, but that wasn’t one of them.  Peter Jones
  • It was a fair decision, the penalty, even though it was debatable whether it was inside or outside the box.  Bobby Charlton
  • Believe it or not, goals can change a game.  Mike Channon
  • Ian Rush unleashed his left foot and it hit the back of the net.  Mike England
  • Peter Shilton conceded five, you don’t get many of those to the dozen.  Des Lynam
  • Everything in our favour was against us.  Danny Blanchflower
  • I think everyone in the stadium went home happy, except all those people in Romania.  Ron Greenwood
  • John Lyall, very much a claret and blue man, from his stocking feet to his hair.  Peter Jones
  • We’ve got nothing to lose, and there’s no point losing this game.  Bobby Robson
  • Who ever wins today will win the championship no matter who wins.  Denis Law
  • Bryan Robson, well, he does what he does and his future is in the future.  Ron Greenwood
  • Wayne Clarke, one of the famous Clarke family, and he’s one of them, of course.  Brian Moore
  • So that’s 1-0, sounds like the score at Boundary Park where of course it’s 2-2.  Jack Wainwright
  • I am a firm believer that if you score one goal the other team have to score two to win.  Howard Wilkinson
  • We are really quite lucky this year because Christmas falls on Christmas Day.  Bobby Gould
  • Don’t tell those coming in now the result of that fantastic match. Now let’s have another look at Italy’s winning goal.  David Coleman
  • Wilkins sends an inch perfect pass to no one in particular.  Byron Butler
  • And Ritchie has now scored 11 goals, exactly double the number he scored last season.  Alan Parry
  • I don’t know if that result’s enough to lift Birmingham off the bottom of the table, although it’ll certainly take them above Sunderland.  Mike Ingham

And for those of you who protest that these aren’t  jokes, here’s a football joke (no, not a picture of the English national team) or three, from footballjokes.co.uk:

At the end of the day, football means not having to go to Sainsburys on Saturday.

*

A match between two non-League teams took place last winter in the North of England. It had been raining heavily all week and the ground resembled a swamp.

However, the referee ruled that play was possible and tossed the coin to determine ends.

The visiting captain won the toss and, after a moment’s thought, said, ‘OK – we’ll take the shallow end!’

*

The football club dance was in full swing when three strangers arrived and demanded admission. ‘May I see your tickets, please?’ said the club secretary at the door.

‘We haven’t got any tickets,’ said one of the men. ‘We’re friends of the referee.’

‘Get out of here!’ said the club secretary. ‘Whoever heard of a referee with three friends!’

Weekly Photo Challenge: Fleeting Moment

29 Jun

The instruction is to find a fleeting moment on the street.  This photo was taken during the 2006 World Cup but it could be from any football tournament (including the current European Cup): that fleeting moment every England fan thinks we really could win this time.

There’s Always A Silver Lining

14 Sep
Vuvuzela Day

Image via Wikipedia

Remember last year’s World Cup and the demon vuvuzelas?  Like a million bored bees hammering on your window?  My Mum used to make the same noise as a child – well, not so much child, as nineteen year old mother.  When she wanted something and Nan had said ‘no’ (she was a nineteen year old mother living at home and children respected their parents in ye olden dayes), she would shuffle along behind Nan, not quite touching her, and say, Nnnnnnn-nnnnnn-nnnnn-nnnnnnn-nnnnn-nnnnnn-nnnnnn-nnnnn until Nan got fed up and gave in.

But that’s beside the point.  My point is, every time we sat down to watch  a game, we all wanted to beat vuvuzela blowers about the head and other places with the sharp end of their instruments.  Because they are the most annoying things on the planet; and I say that as the mother of two sons.

But I read a happy story today, sort of: vuvuzela noise saved three lives in Soweto.  From the Johannesburg Star:

A Soweto family believe the sound of vuvuzelas blown by their neighbours saved them from death when their house caught alight. […] Johanna Matswi, 59, said she was asleep with her daughter Thelma, 21, and her three-month-old baby at about 5am yesterday when they were awoken by the sound of blaring vuvuzelas, loud screams and the crackling sound of fire.

It wasn’t all good news: the neighbours blew the vuvuzelas because the emergency services didn’t respond.  Hooray for football fans.

For another good news story, visit Mangetout today.

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Think I’m Gonna Find Me A Black Cat

7 Nov
Manchester City crest

Image via Wikipedia

West Brom 0 – 2 Manchester City

…although it killed the Hub not to listen, he reckons it was worth taking one for the team.  So now you know – the fate of the richest football club in the world rests in the hands of the Sick Man of Stockport.  Sheikh Mansour could have saved himself a fortune.

In Defence Of Football (Sort Of)

14 Jun

I fear I may have defamed the good name of the beautiful game in my last post, judging by your comments. I made the assumption that the rowdy boys last night had been watching the match – they were English, drunk and wearing replica shirts, so it wasn’t an unreasonable assumption. However, I wasn’t blaming the game for their behaviour. Granted, the English have lost religion and found football and they have the shirts to prove it; they despise anyone with a Liverpool/London/foreign accent who supports United; they plan their holidays around matches; they hock their children to buy season tickets: but that wasn’t the problem last night.

The problem was too much alcohol and too little consideration for others. If I take out one phrase from the guilty sentence, it still makes sense but changes the perspective: just take six teenagers, some booze, throw in as many eff words as you can find, add one large family and assorted friends and neighbours, and you’ll get the idea. The Hub, Spud and I all watched the game without running amok in the street afterwards – though I was tempted to hurl a brick through ITV HD’s window when they cut to an advert moments before the Gerrard goal.

There has been so much talk of feral youths and the disintegration of respect for authority that there’s no point in my discussing it here. What I will say, however, is that we see a lack of respect every day on the pitch: players square up to the ref and surround and intimidate him. What could be more natural than that the kids who idolise these men should follow their example? And the language that so many parents use in front of and to their children is awful, but if they use it every day then it’s no wonder their children use it back to them.  Develop the habit  of treating people nicely and maybe they’ll return the favour.

I don’t believe last night’s behaviour is confined to Britain: scratch the surface of any civilisation and you’ll find similar incidents all over the world. Fortunately, there are still areas where such events are rare. I hope to find one some day.

You don’t need to drink to get in a fight: some people just like it. And some people can end up with a black eye by not getting into a fight. When the Hub and I were courting back in South Africa, we were at a party and the mood started to get nasty. The Boyfriend told me to stay out of the way because he thought something might blow up, and while telling me this he threw a large pack of peanuts to me so that his hands were free, just in case. Trouble was, he only said ‘Hold these’ after he threw them; at least I think that’s what he said: I couldn’t hear him over the bag of nuts that smacked me in the face.

What really puzzles me after all this time, though, is what teenager takes a big bag of peanuts to a party? The Hub is a feak; I’ve always said it, and I’ll fight anyone who disagrees with me. Hic.



Two Senryu For You

11 Jun

I didn’t write any poetry all last week and most of this week, but I managed to squeeze these two senryu out last night.  The first is a response to the prompt at Writer’s Island to write about something that happened that you find unforgettable; it refers to the 1994 South African election.  It might not make sense out of context but I have a whole book dedicated to my SA experience and it will slot in nicely:

An Unforgettable Day

Queue twelve hours.  One
stubby pencil.  One cross.  One
exchange of power.

*

The second comes from watching too many fillums (sorry; still in South Africa in my head):

Love In The Movies

The moment a strong
woman surrenders to a
powerful man: mmm.

*

You won’t be hearing much about the Hub from tonight, for the following month; I’ll just write this next sentence and you can copy + paste it to your memory and say it to yourself each day: the Hub is watching the World Cup. 

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